Not Sure What to Do???

If he feels that strongly about it, let him have the room. It's got to be very difficult for him not to be able to see her and, however that has to do with you, he may even resent you somewhat. It might be best to just let it be and be an active participant in helping decorate etc (unless he needs to do it himself as some sort of catharsis). Then, when you have guests, you can ask him if it would be okay for them to use her room. Maybe get a cute trundle bed that pops into a full/queen size so it would be comfortable for guests, but still girly. Good luck!!! You may want to pick another battle...probably not worth it on this one.

I would be concerned if he din't want to have a room for his child. If you can afford the extra room, it shouldn't be a problem, nor should the guests take priority over her. If you can't afford the room, I think both of the girls should share a room. They are close in age anyway!
If an empty room most of the time is a resentment for you, think hard before "I do" and the "fact that we are together" is why he isn't able to see her is a red flag.

Well, all kids have to give up their rooms sometimes if there are guests in the home. You should respect his desire to have a room for his daughter, and when you have guests, you should open up both kids' rooms for them... present it as "they could sleep in her room" instead of "it will be a guest room/kids' room". good luck.

This my be tacky and I do not know either one of you but it sounds like a childish relationship. HE gave up seeing a daughter for another woman!!! YOU expect him to deal with it your way but he obviously still has some emotions and sounds to be somewhat protective. I would suggest make it her room and if/when you have guests discuss it then. If this is a make or break deal then this sounds like a power struggle that will only get worse. I personally would not want to be the woman that made him chose and what a loser for not choosing his own flesh and blood daughter. Walking on thin glass and probably not a great example for your own daughter. Oh and mother to a wonderful 6 yr old...I guess the other doesn't count...hope her mother doesn't read this.

You seem concerned about all the wrong issues. When we are fortunate enough to be blessed with children, they become our number one priority. Their well-being is our sacred responsibility. What is attractive about a man that would choose a woman over his own child? What kind of woman would ask him to? What kind of woman exposes her own 7 year old daughter to a live-in man who doesn't respect her mother enought to marry her before moving in? Is this the type of behavior you will be proud of her engaging in when she grows up? (And by the way, did you know that children are 70, yes SEVENTY, times more likely to be molested by a live-in man who is not their natural father?)

You don't say exactly why his daughter isn't allowed to see him. I highly doubt you are a sex offender, but I do have two guesses. It seems most likely that you are the reason his marriage to her mother broke up, and his ex-wife (and probably the girl herself, if she's aware) would do anything to keep her away from a woman who would do that to a family. I know I would. Who would want that kind of influence on their child? It would be very destructive and painful to send a young girl into that kind of situation.

My next best guess is that his ex-wife has a big problem with allowing her daughter to be exposed to this "lets play family" idea where people live together without any real commitment, and kudos to her if this is true. I will never allow my children to think this type of selfish and immature bahavior is normal or acceptable. I don't care how many Hollywood or Main St. types engage in it. It is extremely destructive to chldren. They are not pets. They do not deal well with a succssion of pretend mommies and daddies. It is a very difficult thing to blend families and must only be taken with the utmost of care, putting children's needs first. They did nothing to deserve all this chaos in their little lives. We create it when we make poor choices.

If you aren't clear as to why he doesn't see his child, I suggest you bite the bullet and speak to his ex, he could be lying to you. He could be a molester trying to gain access to your daughter. You had better make sure, and do a background check to boot. There is a special place in hell for mothers who don't protect their own children, and unfortunately it happens every day. I have more than one friend whose mothers were AWARE that their new husband molested their daughters, but chose to stay with him.

You seem not at all concerned with this little girl and what she must be going through in losing her father, much less the pain and guilt your fiance is experiencing (and rightfully so if he's chosen you over her). The fact that you resent her need to even have a patch of real estate to call her own when she's thrown into such a scary and painful situation and being made to feel like a visitor with her own father, if she sees him at all, tells me that you are far too immature and selfish to be married at all, much less parenting a wonderful six year old. I hope you will step back and see the big picture here. These poor girls need ADULTS to put their needs first. You lost your right to be the center of your universe and pursue only your own happiness when you had a child. Please reconsider your actions and attitudes.

I completely agree with your finance, sorry. I personally cannot believe that he would choose ANYONE over his child! At the very least that you could do is give the poor child her own room.

I am not sure if it is the mom that is not allowing the child to come over, but look at it from her standpoint. Your fiance does not even have enough respect for you to marry you before buying a house, so why should her child respect his "shack up honey".

I am sure I am going to get a lot of criticism for this post, and I do not mean to be harsh but you should really be thinking about the child not yourself!

Check out this book- 10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess up Their lives by by Laura C. Schlessinger

Dumb the guy. Sounds like he's a bit unreasonable.

Concentrate on your child till she is graduated from high school. At that time, seek a partner. Believe me, you will save yourself a lot of stress...

Enough has been said about your relationship aspect, so I'll just throw this out there:
Why not make a guest bedroom and put bunk beds in your daughter's room? Just a thought.

S., you have had many responses and I'll try to make this short. Without full information, it sounds as if your husband is grieving about not being able to see his daughter. Of course he isn't being logical, but when we are hurt and grieving, or perhaps very angry (which can be grief experienced outward), we very often do not act or think logically. Since this is SUCH an emotional issue, it is POINTLESS to try to deal with it using logic. You may need to quietly take the leadership here and encourage him to talk about his feelings around this issue. Don't offer solutions, arguments, anything, at first. Let him express out how he feels. Later on, talk about it again and ask for his suggestions on how to handle the "division" of space in your new home. Of course, if you can afford a 4BR home, that would be ideal. If not, assign a room to his daughter if that will help him feel he is keeping her in his current family and is not abandoning her. Like the others said, there are many creative ways to deal with the fact that sometimes when she visits, you may have company. Deal with that then. The greater issue is how the two of you can "stretch" out of your own perspective in order to see the world as your partner sees it. That doesn't mean that you agree on everything, it simply acknowledges that you each have a "valid" perspective coming from where each of you are and bringing with you into the marriage your own set of beliefs, feelings, and past experiences that shape who you are, how you see the world, and how you typically feel about various issues. It would seem to me to be horrible if his little girl ends up feeling likea "guest" in her father's home. Would you want your little girl to visit her father (if indeed your fiance isn't her father) and be made to feel like a guest and feel "left out" as a member of the family. How rich it would be for each of the girls to feel as if they each had two welcoming homes, rather than having one home and one place they visit sometimes. I am a stepmother and my children have stepparents and believe me, it is extremely hard on children to have no choice when the people they love more than anyone in the world choose to live apart. We, as their parents, need to do everything in our power to make their life as normal and loving as we can. They don't get to choose; we do.
If you find that you and your fiance cannot talk about these highly charged emotional issues without escalatng into anger, power struggles, perhaps yelling, etc., I encourage you to visit the website www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com and familiarize yourself with a way of communicating called "The Couples Dialogue". This is a highly effective way of getting through very emotionally laden issues. Most of us who have been married before bring with us unfinished business we are not even aware of. During the early "glow" of a new relationship, we often feel we have found our soul mate. Everything is perfect. Then the closer we get to permanent commitment in a relationship, unfinished business begins to surface in varied ways, and is almost always very hard for most of us to get through without damaging each other in some way. The book, "Gettin the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. is wonderful for helping ferret out those issues and suggests ways to work through them. There are many therapists trained in the Imago Relationship Therapy developed by Harville and it is highly successful. I have a feeling there will be other "hot button" issues for you and your fiance. Look at the website so that you can have some direction when these issues do surface.

Wow! I got tired of reading all the responses. Some of them are so assumptive, downright hateful and childish. The question that keeps ringing in my head is how often do you really have guests spend the night? Is this really a big issue to fight about? Give the man what he wants and be the hero in this situation. He loves his daughter and just wants to feel okay with everything that is definitely not okay. Give up YOUR bed when you have guests and the two of you sleep on the couch, the recliner, or on the floor. Problem solved. And he will be very happy with you for seeing and hearing something that was important to him. This will eventually blow over and become a non-issue, but he will remember that you loved him enough to let him have his way. Be easy to get along with and you will have a much happier life with him. You have a long road ahead of you. I can relate. I just married a man with 3 children we get every other weekend. His ex hates me and would do anything to hurt me and him. She uses the kids any way possible to stir up a fight with him. We don't let her bully us and often remind her of the divorce decree and joint custody rights. I try to be pleasant, fair, and strong when necessary. I support my husband 100% and it works. Love your boyfriend with all your might. He is hurting right now. Good luck!

Decorate the room pretty put Daddy and his 7 yr olds pic in it call it her room
when its sitting there empty and you have company he will let them use it and say it his daughters room
he will be able to tell her she has a room during his Daddy phone chats
I noticed your signature says Mom of WONDERFUL 6 yr old
I'm sure his would be Dad of WONDERFUL seven yr old (that he is giving up being with full time in favor of being with you)
When you get someone's Daddy you get the child too!
The 7yr old who has lost her Daddy probably thinks your WONDERFUL 6 yr old is taking her place in his heart:( and home

You have gotten some good advice. I have been divorced for 10 years. My daughters have never had a bedroom in their dads house. He lives alone and has 2 bedrooms. The room they sleep in has his computer and other stuff in it. They have never felt like they had their own place. They take a bag of clothes etc. when they visit him - almost as if they were having a sleepover. When he moved out his promise to them was that they would have two homes, mine and his. But in reality they are guests when they spend weekends with him. That is not right. They are his children and they should feel at home over there. So - I think you should give her a room of her own, let her decorate it to her taste and not as a guest room with adult decoration. He should allow both kids rooms to be used for guests. When you do have guests, they will be fine staying in her room or your daughters room or wherever you have room for them. If they are not comfortable with a childs room for a night or two then they should stay in a hotel at their expense. When I was growing up we always gave up our rooms for guests. And when we went to visit family out of town our cousins gave up their rooms for our parents. My kids have double beds so that if my sisters come to visit with their husbands they are comfortable and in the same room.

One other thing: children of divorce rarely get over it. My oldest is an adult now and she is still not over it. She needed her dad way more than she had him and she still hurts. It is heartbreaking. So take that into consideration when dealing with him and his daughter. They need a relationship now more than ever and the decisions he makes over the next 11 years will shape who she becomes as an adult and the type of man she chooses. Have compassion for both of them and treat her exactly as you would want another woman to treat your child.

I got tired of reading all of the responses so I'm sure what I am about to say has already been said, but here goes....

I'm 26 and my husband and I have been together for 5 years. (very young) and our relationship, although it is better, can be very immature at times and it seems that is what is going on with you and your fiancee.

We have petty fights like this as well. One thing I have learned is, it becomes a matter of principle and a struggle of power which makes the fight seem so ridiculous! If I were in your situation, and I have been (different topic), just let it be. Decorate the room the way he wants it. It may be an avenue for his daughter to come and decorate it herself. Nonetheless it is HER room. When or IF the time comes that you have a guest, let them sleep on the couch or maybe at that time he will see the logic in letting them sleep in the little girl's room. Nevertheless, she will have a room and whomever is spending the night will know that it is HER room! Why don't you suggest that when a guest comes over they can have YOUR daughter's room and she can sleep in the bed with the two of you!

You can have a room waiting for a "mystery guest" that may or may NOT come over or you can have a room waiting for your step-daughter who also may or may NOT come over. What is the difference?

My sister's step daughter has a room decorated for her. She is 16 now so does not come over often due to schedules etc. When my sister has company, her company stays in that extra room and sometimes her OWN kids' rooms. (we have a big family)....it's ALL good! But when her step-daughter comes home (unless a lot of family is staying) she has her own space because it's her house too.

Let him "win" a little...in the end you'll end up being the victorious one. It doesn't always have to be your way. And your way isn't always necessarily right. When you learn to live your relationship like that, you won't have ridiculous "deal" breakers! Life is too short to live life that way!

Do you have guests over often enough that it would matter? That is his daughter. I see nothing wrong with giving her a room. Since she doesn't get to come over, why couldn't the guests stay in her room when they come? You are making him choose between you and his daughter. The other question that came to mind is why can't he see her? What does you being together have to do with it? If something like a bedroom can break up your relationship, you might want to re-evaluate things before you get a house together.

I think that by not giving her a room, you are saying to your fiance that you don't believe she will ever come to visit. He doesn't want to give up the possibility of a future relationship with his daughter and you shouldn't either.

Don't make it a shrine that's never used, but respect it as "her" space. When guests come, ask him if they can sleep in her room, or alternate who gives up their room (maybe your daughter can sleep in the other girl's bed when guests are in your daughter's room).

Some of these posts are very blunt and some harsh. I do not presume to judge your lifestyle decisions. I am concerned that you need to address deeper root issues rather than argue over the resulting symptoms, like a bedroom.

It sounds to me like, he is grieving his daughter and rightfully so. I would ask him about his feelings about not seeing his little girl. I would be hesitant to jump into marriage if the only reason he cannot see his little girl is because you two are together because that is leaving the door WIDE open for some serious resentment, bitterness and anger from him (and his daughter) towards you. Never a good start to a marriage.
I would definitely allow one of the bedrooms to be hers. It may be difficult for you to completely understand his need to do this but sometimes in a marriage, you have to do things don't make sense at all to help the other person deal with something. He is giving up something HUGE to be with you; it would make sense that you "give up" that 1 room for him. Giving up a child vs. giving up a room....it doesn't seem like too big of a price to pay when you are the one "giving up" the room.
I hope that you both can find some good middle ground so that you can have a great start to a new life. Best wishes!

Thank you for seeking some advice. When my husband and I married we had real issues that almost broke us up many times over his daughter. But now we have been married (30 years) and have I a stepdaughter so I feel like I can offer something to you. First, if your fiancee is not allowed to see his daughter it is a BIG red flag. You need to know WHY and not just what he tells you. That is not normal. Second, he feels guilty about not having his daughter and providing for her so he wants to do this. I would suggest making the room hers as far as decorating it, but when the room is needed for guests or storage etc, it should be used. If he does not agree to this-seek counseling from a reliable source. Actually, counseling in any pre-marriage is recommened but I would say even moreso in a remarriage with children involved. He may have issues he needs to deal with before he can be with you.

Either look for a four bedroom house OR look for a new boyfriend. I don't think he is going to see things your way. Good luck with your decision.

S.,
I would highly recommend you seek counseling BEFORE you get married. Whatever you do, don't close your eyes to what is in front of you, or what a reliable counselor may advise you. Your fiance is not ready to commit to you while in this emotional state. A room is a room...but a room set up like a shrine is not healthy. Good luck!
Linda

I think you've gotten a lot of crazy responses so far! lol I definitely understand what you're meaning. I don't think you're being "mean step-mommy" like some of the other mama's are kind-of implying. (Seriously, mama's you don't know the circumstances as to why his daughter's not visiting right now, why go straight to he cheated on the ex or that he's not paying child support when she's asking for help to make her fiance and future stepdaughter both happy?!) Not that you don't WANT her to have her own room, but when guests do come, which I'm guessing isn't when she's there, they can stay in the room as well. I would say your fiance should call and ask his ex if his daughter could come out with him or you both and pick out a few decorations to put in there when she gets to come (sheets, a cute lamp, maybe a little chair, you know, just little things to make it hers) and y'all could keep the things she chooses in the closet or something, so when she comes you can bring all of that out. When she's not, bring back out the adult stuff. Make it hers when she's there, and have a little bit more of an adult decor when she's not. If that make any sense?

If he still doesn't like that idea, I would say, get a pull-out couch for the guests. *shrugs* Not really worth fighting over, its his daughter.

Did you have an affair with this man??? That would be a reason I could see a mom not wanting her child to be around you. If that is the case I don't blame her!! You are being very selfish by not letting his daughter have her own room at his house. In time he will hopefully be able to have her back in his life. It sounds like you guys have way too many problems to be getting married. I'm sure this is not what you wanted to hear but you asked for the advice!

Sounds to me like you have a sad situation going on there. I think that he is obviously depressed over the fact that he does not see his child. I would let him have the room for her. You don't want him to become resentful over the fact that that he is living with your child and not his. Let him pay hommage to her(his child). It probably makes him feel better just knowing that he is trying to do the right thing. Hopefully things will get better for you guys.

I would say if you truly want your relationship work with your Fiance and it bothers him this much, then you all should get another room for his daughter even though she does not come to visit. I think it's just the the fact of knowing for him that his daughter has a room that is all hers whether she comes to visit or not. It's like he wants it to be "her space". He doesn't want her to feel "left out" because it is difficult having a parent share a life with someone else and their child(ren). It will also let the little girl know that her daddy is thinking of her and that he has a space for her in his home with his extended family. You may consider getting a sleeper sofa for your guest.

I hope this response comes off as well as it sounds in my head.

It is ONLY fair for his daughter and your daughter to be treated the same. If your daughter gets a room that no one will have access to sleep in but her, then his daughter should have the same.

Please don't sound like you are more concerned with where guests are to sleep in the future than your husbands and stepdaughters feelings.

This is just ONE of the many things that will be difficult about blending two families together so get ready. BUT IT CAN BE DONE. Just make sure you are putting his feelings first (before house guests).

And you might even be surprised, if he sees you being selfless in your feelings and reverenceing him, he may see your side of things a little more clearly too. BUT IF NOT, this is still the right thing to do.

I hope this was helpful. I know I probably didn't say what you wanted to hear but I believe in what I just told you!

Good Luck and I hope things go well for yall!

Run like hell girl............you will never see eye to eye about his daughter and that will be the death of your relationship. Sorry to be so harsh, but, RUN LIKE HELL!
It's so much easier to part before you get married.

I like the bunk bed idea. The girls are close in age and would like the same things. If and when she comes to stay take her and let her pick out her own bedding- or something else to make it feel like hers. I have stepsons that are over every other weekend during school (more thru the summer) they share a room and thats also where guests stay if they are not here. Its not set up as a guest room but we make due. Good Luck to you!

I have been married two years and with my husband 3 years. He was my highs school sweetie but during our time apart he had a baby 8 years ago and married and divorced of course.
So I have a stepdaughter and we also have a daughter together.
We have a three bedroom home. Each girl has her own room but when a guest comes they sleep in the rooms and our girls are polite and give their room up and sleep on our floor or etc. My daughter is only a baby but we accomodate so our guests have privacy and my stepdaugher lets them have her bed too plus she has a little bed under her bed that rolls out.
She just gets cozy on the couch or on our floor.
Maybe he could still have it decorated for his daughter but it can still be used by guests too.
Specially since she is not there much. Our girls are with us full time b/c my husband has full custody of his daughter.
He may want to do this for him b/c he misses he other daughter too since he barely sees her and this might make him feel closer to her having a room decorated for her with her touches in it.
I don't know if this is what you wanted to hear or if this helps at all but it is just a thought. I don't think something like this is worth ruinning a marriage though. Better or for worse right? This is definately not the worst b/c my husband and I suffered the worst, we lost a daughter last year at the age of 14 months tragically and we are still together and we made another child together plus like i said i am a stepmom to an 8 year old of his. Just humor your husband this is hard and the ligtest of all your problems. Life is priceless , this is just a room.

I hope everything works out and things will be okay!

Best wishes
L. C

p.s
I had to edit my response to throw in that I don't want you to think this is an attack email on you b/c it is not.
I feel for you guys both b/c it is so hard becoming step parent to a child that is not biologically yours. They deserve equality but it is hard to give them the same exact love as your own. But you give them love anyway.
Don't feel bad and don't let others make you feel bad for your feelings it is normal.

We really don't know enough as to why his dd doesn't come to visit. Are they still married? If your dd was living with her dad full-time, would you want her to have a place to be able to call her own at your house (regardless of who "borrowed" her room while they visited)? Several people have already shared my thoughts, but I also think you should try and look at it from her perspective (or your dd's perspective) so that you can understand better what he is talking about. He probably does need help and counseling regarding not having time with his dd.

Why not think about it as "her room" and then let guests stay in it. Avoid "child" scale furniture so that adult guests would be comfortable (besides it will work for her longer too). Your adult guests are likely to be mature enough to realize the situation and the young girl decor. This could be your way to show your soon to be step-daugher that you really want her to be part of your family.

I get the whole use of space issue, but it seems to me that you could gain so much in your relationships with your fiance and his daughter. It could pay dividends for years to come.

Good Luck.

Ok, I understand what you're saying and I think you're husband is being unreasonable. WHY would noone be able to use the room? When I was young and we had guests, I actually had to sleep with my parents or on the couch. But to leave a room completely unused as it if it a shrine of some sort? That is ridiculous. Maybe he'll feel a bit ridiculous if you suggest that your daughter sleep in his daughter's room when guests come so that they can be comfortable. If you're daughter was out of town and his daughter was visiting, you would allow guests to stay in your daughter's room,correct? So basically, you are just putting guests in a vacant room regardless of who's room it is. Tell him so. And tell him you will decorate it to be her room, but that you are not going to have guests sleep on the couch if it is vacant when they are visiting. The issue is not "who's room it is" as you will very well make it hers. But you are not going to waste the space if it is unused when you have visitors. End of story. Tell him to grow up or else dish up the cash for a 4 bedroom!

I have two thoughts. 1) If this is a deal breaker then the relationship may need a little more building before you buy a house and get married. This seems like a small issue to end a relationship over.

2) I understand your logic and there is not necessarily anything wrong with it... but this is not a logic driven situation. My guess is that he wants to protect his daughter's place in the house and wants to make sure that she has no doubt about how much he wants her. He probably already feels like he was forced to choose between you and his daughter and now he is being asked to glorify that choice. He probably feels guilty for excluding her (which frankly he should feel guilty). At the end of the day his obligation is to his daughter and this is probably how he is trying to live up to that obligation.

Dear S. M,

I suggest yall go to see a counselor NOW. If you can't settle this, the last thing you need to do is get married. BOTH of you need to think of your children's welfare (what is best for them--for both of them), BUT the two of YOU need to make decisions as a couple. If yall can't compromise now, what will happen after you get married?

For a list of Christian counselors, check out the Fellowship Church website, www.fellowshipchurch.com. Click on "Get Connected", then "Member Care", then "Counseling". The counselors are independent. You do not have to be a member of Fellowship in order to use their services.

I have already said a prayer for all four of you. Good luck and God Bless.

Deb D

Back in the day, kids were kicked out of their rooms for guests and the KIDS slept on the floor, couch, etc....I guess I'm just showing my age, now! His daughter means as much to him as your does to you, and marriage is full of all kinds of compromises, big and small. I recommend you both seek pre-marital counseling and make this topic the lead-off on your first session. And if you still can't work it out, better to know now than after you've said "I do." Move on down the road b/c it's just not going to work out.

Is his daughter not allowed to come visit because you aren't married yet? Otherwise legaly, why can't she come???????? You can make the room (hers) but suggest that if you have a lot of company, your daughter, and his could sleep in sleeping bags on couch etc. and let guests have "their" rooms. It is unreasonable to think no one could use it if she is not there, but it sounds like more of an issue than the (room) sounds like he is very unsecure that his daughter won't get same or fair treatment, and if she isn't allowed to come visit , I don't know how he could of came up with this conclusion, but you may ask him to communicate his fears etc. and if you can't communicate and talk things like this over, doesn't sound like a marriage would owrk anyway if he can't communicate problems and such.

What you need to keep in mind is this isnt about you or him its about a seven year old little girl. Thats her Daddy and regardless if he doesnt see her untill she is eieghteen he wants her to know that she will always have her own room at your home were she too can feel secure and loved by the two of you when she does get to visit. As far as guest goes goto Pennys and buy a rollaway bed get it out and set it up with nice linens. I'm sure family and friends know that their are not just three of you but four.Always remember the love you have for him should be just as strong for her. Remember you two are a team your not against each other your for each other. Love is a very powerful thing!

God Bless

If this is a deal breaker, than break the deal. There's something more going on here - perhaps TONS of guilt - that he's dealing with and this is where it's showing up. He's not being logical at all.

I would say it should be a guest room as long as she's not there, but decorate it in such a way that, if the situation changed, she could move in and feel comfortable right away. The room may be a bit girly, frilly for a guest room, but perhaps that will help him feel more that it will be HERS when the time comes.

His daughter WILL have the same - once she lives there.

My two cents. If this is going to be a deal breaker, than maybe you all shouldn't be getting married in the first place or buying a house together either. Once you get married there are a LOT bigger fish to fry than making accomodations for imaginary guests and stepkids.

With that said, what is wrong with decorating the room kid-like, yet making it comfy for an adult, or said guests. My house is a three bedroom, and only two rooms are occupied. When guests come, they sleep in my daughter's room as it has the furniture (where the third room doesn't). It's not a big deal.

On the surface is sounds like there is some underlying stuff going on, and I hope for the sake of the children, you all can work it out. The kids didn't ask for this setup, so please remember that and be accomodating to them.

I say he needs help coping with not seeing his daughter. Is it because the mom is jealous that he has found someone new, or because of something he thinks, or that you have demanded.
If it is because the mom is jealous, and he has a custody agreement, then I would involve and attorney adn force her to honor his visitation. She cannot legally stop his visitation. And it is not whether he pays child support or not, although I wouldn't be with a man who didn't take care of his child. I would definately get this figured out before buying a new house. If plans are in the works to deal with the custody issue, then by all means provide her with her own room, even if she is only there for the weekend. It will make her feel like her family also, not just a place to crash while she is there. And she shouldn't be made to feel that she is a visitor in her dad's home.
Personally I don't see why she can't have that room and just let folks use that when they visit. A bed is a bed. Whether a guest room or a kids room what does it matter. I would think that your new hubby's feelings and attachment to his daughter, and her feelings of being accepted were more important than preparing for some imaginary guests that may or may not visit.
Now as for the custody of the daughter, I would seriously consider helping him get the ball rolling to enforce his visitation.
He also needs help in understanding that not everything will not be the same just becuase you both have girls. Primary custody is a different thing, but I think that the room thing could be avoided.
Overall, I think you guys have some issues to work out with his custody, his coping and whether you two are really matched. If she does come to visit regularly, how will he treat your daughter who lives there all the time as compared to her. I think that the room thing is only the beginning....and needs to be resolved before you buy a house or get married. Which brings me to my next point. Are you going to be listed as an equal owner? If not and you break up you will be homeless. IF you want to be a part owner then I would wait until after you are married. Because, you will live there, but it will be his house, and I can guarantee, that he will say it is his house and if you don't like it find somewhere else to live. It will never quite be yours....if you are not married. And if he buys it before you guys get married, then it may not be divided by the judge if you guys don't stay married, like community property would be.

I am still having a hard time with the "she isn't allowed to come and visit" part. I think that needs to be fixed or it is going to cloud your relationship. He may also begin to rationalize that you don't want her around or may blame you for "keeping" his daughter away. Even though it really isn't your fault.
If he really is this emotional or unreasonable and unwilling to compromise, then I would suspect that there is some guilt he has about not being allowed to see her because he has you and he is trying to build a new life and be happy, but can't without losing his daughter. Again, I would get lawyers and the police involved. To force the mom to give him his deserved visitation.
I think that I would not argue about the room. It doesn't have to be a win/lose situation. You need to rise to the occassion. Paint it in neutrals, make it look lovely and tell him when she visits that then you guys can decorate it the way SHE would want. That you wouldn't want to take away her right to decorate her own room and take away her individuality. Put a full size bed in there. Get a semi-girly comforter in what he thinks is her favorite colors. Put in a few stuffed animals that can be moved when company comes, that all 3 of you guys have picked out for her to welcome her into her new space at her dads house. Have him buy her a pretty jewelry box to put on the dresser. IF she does visit or move in then you won't have a guest room anyway, you will have two rooms that have kids stuff in them. So what is the harm in helping him cope with her abscence and for the new wife to make room in her home and her heart for his daughter. I think that he wants to know that you accept his daughter as a possibility and wants to know that you support him. I think there is a way for you to work this out, even if he doesn't know all the specifics, for him to feel secure, you to look like a saint and for a room to be ready for her in a limited way. If it were me I would want to decorate my own room. Play off of that. BUt make sure you are willing to let her have that room if it comes down to that. After all it is only a room, and in 5 years will it matter....no, but it might make your marriage stronger for him to believe it is/was her room and that you never made it feel like his daughter wasn't welcomed.....and that you pushed for him to get his visitation back, so that he would be feel bettter.......not fight over a room. Because we all know it is more than just a room to him. I think it symbolizes his daughter. And if you won't let her have a room, then will you be happy if she visits, or maybe you can't have her be a part of his new life. Don't forget he is mourning the loss of his daughter and not being able to see her, over his choice to be with YOU. That encompasses alot. So in essence, he gave up seeing his daughter for you and you can't even let her have her own room???????
Trust me he will look back at this time and will think in his heart how great you were, how understanding you were, how much you loved him to want to see him happy, how you knew how much his heart was hurting. You also have to remember, my being with you, and you have a daughter about the same age, that it looks like he found a replacement daughter. I am not saying that is true, but can be percieved that way. That in itself would make him feel guilty. Even though, that is not the case.
I would really consider all the possibilities about the relationshop breaker before you did anything.
One could also say that he is being unreasonable about the room and may be like this with all areas of his daughter in the future, and you will be fighting this "daughter" thing for years to come. Only you can be the judge of that. If he is not willing to listen to any reasoning, then I would suspect that he may act the same or is using his "daughter" as an excuse to not make good choices or be responsible for the choices he makes. It is unrealistic to be able to make all things equal and fair to a daughter that isn't there.
If it were me, I would have a sit down with him. Let the room be for his daughter and say how insensitive you were. That you now realize how important it is for him and you didn't know it was so important. That his daughter is welcome at anytime. And that you accept her and love her just because she is his. And that means you would even love her more when she gets to visit. That you will decorate the room in neutrals and her favorite color and lightly decorate. Then when she visits, you guys can get together and pick some things out together so she will feel included and accepted in her fathers house. But that he needs to realize that not all things will be equal or fair because he doesn't have primary custody. That he will need to work on this and fair discipline when she visits, so she doesn't think that there is none, just because she doesn't get to visit often. That his daughter may feel jealous about your daughter and these issues will need to be worked out. And that you expect him to understand this now. That there will be a whole new set of problems more than this room in the future, unless he can see reason and compromise. So to keep that in mind for the future. That you expect his daughter to be disciplined and directed by both of you in the future, just like your daughter will be now. That if she is to feel a part of this family, then she doesn't get preferential treatment above your daughter on her rare visits. ie. getting to act like a brat, not being disciplined so he can look like a good guy, playing favorites ie your daughter gets in trouble but his doesn't. I would also remind him that this is an emotionally charged issue for him, that he will need to work on or it will adversely affect your future relationship. That he needs to recognize this. But you also need to be impartial in this area, so he will learn when he is being irrational and working off of emotions, then he will respect your opinion more and see that it is not a mine/yours, she wins/I lose situation. Than you can say---didn't I push for you to get more visitation? didn't I get her room ready even when she couldn't visit? etc. He will see that you did so will be more likely to listen with rationale in the future. But overall, only you can know if he will calm down over future issues with his daughter, if he doesn't do you want to live your future with this constant upheaval with an unreasonable man, whatever the circumstances????? Does he just need time and support to handle the situation or is how he is acting going to be a permanent state of being????? Only you can judge that. I would err on the side of giving her the room and him some support and seeing where that takes us. Then when he is more calm talking to him about the situation and seeing how he responds. If it is the same in all areas related to the daughter, uncompromising.....then you have your answer. I would also tell him when he is calmer and not so emotional, that you expect him to look at these situations with rational calm, not as you as the enemy. That you are a team and will be so for his daughter also. And expect him to improve in these areas. That you were more than willing to meet him half-way and that you expect him to honor your requests and insights also, because you honored his and meet you half-way. After all, the wedding ceremony says that he will honor you above ALL others and not put anyone before you....and that includes his daughter and that includes your daughter for you. It means that when you have a strong marriage, going in the right direction, and you each put the others needs before your own, these problems would be worked out.
I would not want to be remembered like this in his mind--- "You never wanted her here in the first place!! you never even wanted her to have her own room!!! SO why should I think that you want to have her around? Why should I think you will support me when you couldn't even welcome my daughter and know how important she was to me?"
Or do you want him to look back and say "my wife loves me. she accepted my daughter into our family, she had a room that my wife decorated even when she couldn't visit. she knew how important my daughter was to me and even though my daughter was prevented from visiting, my wife knew how upset I was at the situation. She supported me even I wasn't rational about the situation. I can trust her opinion."
you are the only one that knows whether he is a reasonable man made irrational by the emotional situation. And whether you can calm both of you down to create a plan so you both can deal with the situation about his daughter on rational terms.
I think that you need to stop being selfish and give the man you love some peace about his daughter, even if it means she has an empty room at his house. Even if she doesn't use it for a while. He would think more of you and love you more. You can do it, especially when you think how loving it would be to give your future hubby this small concession. And not fight over it. After a year, you can re-visit the issue. He just wants to know that his daughter is welcome. Isn't she????
PS. I just now saw the edit to the post. I would think that the guests should get first dibs on both daughters beds because that is what good hosts do. Regardless about the unused room. I would compromise with him to give her a room, that when guests arrive the un-used room would be used by them, and if need be then your daughter would get bumped to the couch as any good host would do. I think he is being unreasonable about the off-limits use of a kids room by anyone when they aren't here. I am for giving her a room to feel included, but NOT allowed to use if for other things just because it is her room. That is unreasonable for everyone involved including guests. But I would also expect your daughter to get bumped for guests also if the situation warranted.
I think that you may have a deal breaker here unless he can be reasonable and meet you halfway. I think that is a wasted use of space. That kids never take precedence over guests. How absurd!!! He would want his mother to vist and make her sleep on the couch when there was a vacant bed down the hall???? Just because his daughter had a special room but never used it??? I personally think that is being unreasonable.
I wouldn't let the situation be a deal breaker about his daughter, but that he couldn't compromise for the good of everyone, and was already giving preferential treatment to his daughter, and she wasn't even here. I have a feeling this will continue into the future.
This is long and rambles quite a bit doesn't it?
Good luck,
L.

I understand that he wants her to have a place of her own too. Since you want that room to be used for guests i suggest a compromise. Neither the daughter or the guests will be there all of the time so everyone need to take turns. Each kid will have to alternate giving up their romm for guests. Treat each the same. My 3 daughters all have queen size beds and since we have a 4 bedroom house and not a 5, every time we have guests one has to give up their room. They can share with their sisters or camp out downstairs in the lady bug tent. We just take turns. The queen size beds make it nice for adults to sleep in and give us that extra comfort without sacrificing an entire room to guests that only visit several times a year. I say give the room to the daughter and let them both share like sisters do.

I agree with you S., it's pointless to have a room sitting with no use if his daughter is never there.
Even if she comes, you can still make her know that's it's her room and not a guest room. Just keep that between the two of you. I think trying to decide over what to do with a room is a rediculous way to have to end a relationship.
It's all about compromise, try and make the room as comfortable as you can for both his daughter and as a guest room.
Make it more of a "mature" guest room rather than a childish girlie room so that guests feel comfortable and so does his daughter if she ever gets to come.
Hang in there and don't let the small stuff make or break your relationship, you'll have much bigger dilemmas to over come in your lifetime....this really should be one of the easier ones for ya'll to get through!

Good Luck!

I have gone back and re-read responses a couple of times today and almost responded. My opinion is similar to some but maybe more honestly blunt without trying to be rude or insulting.

I read your post and I do not see 2 people ready for marriage (or living together) right now. I do not see 2 people ready to take on a mortgage together married or not. I have nothing against living together, I did that with hubby very early on and we have been legal now for almost 20 yrs.

I see your fiance's point of wanting his daughter to feel some ownership, although she is never there for some unknown, unspecified reason. That is a RED FLAG. Your daughter is about the same age and she will have her room because she is there 24/7? Or does your daughter see her dad?

It looks to me like this is not something that would be positive to involve your daughter in at such an impressionable time in her life. I believe your daughter should be number ONE with you. If you are divorced, single mom, whatever....your daughter deserves your undivided attention because she is your responsibility.

As ugly as it sounds, you will still be able to have a social life and have your daughter as priority as she should be. There is too much drama going on right now with power plays between you and fiance.

Again, I am not trying to fire anybody up, insult or try to be rude. I just know that if it were me and my daughter.....My daughter and her stability/security would have my #1 priority over a boyfriend/fiance.

Best wishes to you.

You can't ask the child if it's okay for guest to sleep in her room when she's not there because dad has spoken against it. You should never come between a dad and his child as you would not want no one to do you that way. Maybe there reason he doesn't see his daughter is because you are not married so the 'ex' is against sending her daughter to someone that isn't a step-mom or it could be jealousy or resentment that he has someone else in his life whatever the reason may be. If it's a legal matter then you should seek legal advice. I think you're being a bit selfish when you want your daughter to have her own private quarters but not his. Did you suggest to your husband the two girls share a room and use the other as a guest room. If you love him and see how important this is to him there should be no confusion. Look at it this way. Let your daughter have her room as long as there are no guests then use her room as a guest room. How does that feel; it feels the same way with him. Let his daughter be proud to tell her mom that she has a room at you guys house and that you lhelped her decorate it or if you agree do the same with bunk beds in your daughter's room then it's both daughter's room (yours and his). It still will not be your daughter's room because she's there with you "all the time"

if he pays child support he should get visitation with her no matter who he is dating/married to. Maybe you should change your approach to the issue and be super empathetic to his feelings. I'm sure he is very upset about the whole situation and by giving up a room for her may feel he is losing her all over again. Just a thought. Good luck!

You do not need to marry this man nor should you be buying a house together. Take care of your daughter and let him go take care of his. All the drama you all are putting this girls through.
If you insist on staying together, then let him go through the courts and get the mandatory visitation before anything else. Then if you buy a house, the girls should share the room.
Your thinking is not correct.

I think its entirely normal for kids to "give up" their bed room for guests and the kids sleep on the floor or bunk up on an air matress instead of guests... (Christmas Vacation...). so I thinks its unreasonable for him to not offer the room to guests when she is not even there. Its not like its a sacred space... When we had guests, we all would share beds or give the guests the beds and sleep in our sleeping bags and stuff... so letting the guest use a room that is vacant even though its hers should be fine.

HTH
A. J

Ohhh this is tricky b/c you are both right.. It is not fair to his little girl that she has to sleep in the guest room (that I am sure has a grown up decor) when she visits but it does not make sense for it to not be used as a guest room for visitors either. Since the girls are so close in age could they not share a room when his daughter visits? Maybe put bunk beds or a trundel bed in there..I have a 9 yr old son and a 7 year old step son and they share a room when he comes to visit and it works out great!

I don't agree with alot of these answers. I am a step mother to a 7 yr old lil boy and I love him very much but at the moment his mother doesn't let him come over because of issues with my husband. We recently moved into a 3 bedroom and the third room is a play room/his sons room and when our baby is big enough his room too. We only got him every other weekend (when he did come) and my husband doesn't argue that he needs "HIS OWN ROOM". This is his home when he is here but his primary residence is his mothers. My husband sees it as this his home and as long as he has a bed to sleep on and food to eat and has a great time with the "FAMILY" thats what matters. Our son has never been left out or expressed any hard feelings. He has his own room at his mothers but he lives there. I think you and him should talk and come to the understanding it's not material things that matter it's love and if he doesn't express his wanting her "OWN ROOM" she wont even give it a thought. I agree with trading who gives up there space when there is company if both girls are there but if his daughter is not there then that can be a space open for guests. Good luck and know that you have to accept his daughter as your own or the relationship will never work, I hope I helped in some way. Don't think as yourself as being selfish it's only logical and if at the moment he isn't seeing her it shouldn't be an issue. When and if she does strat visiting take her shopping and let HER pick out her decorations and make it her space. If you have any other questions feel free to email.

S.,
This is a big deal for sure. I strongly believe that you are not hearing each other on this and as a couple it is so important for you to be able to hear each other's hearts about issues that arise.
This time it is his daughter's room, next time it will be something else. I strongly recommend that you look into Pathways Core Training for individuals and Relationship Rich for couples. THey are both experience based seminars that help you get clarity on what you want and how you keep yourself from getting everything you want and deserve.
My husband and I are walking testimonials for both of these programs.
www.createagreatlife.org and www.relationshiprich.org
or you can call me.

You deserve to be happy and so does he. In the grand scheme of things how big of a deal is a room, really?

Blessings to you!
B. P

How many guest do you have coming to stay with you??? I'm not sure there is a right or wrong here but why not do what he is asking. It is sweet that he cares and wants his daughter to feel at home when she comes! Decorate it girly with a full size bed so it can be used by guest but it is her room!
I think you need to give on this one!

I can't believe someone would even consider marrying someone who chooses a girlfriend over his daughter! On the other hand, I can't imagine he would marry someone who thinks so little of his daughter that a ROOM would cause such an issue. Sorry, but I can't believe how little respect people now days have for family, children, and marriage. Unbelievable.

I totally agree with you! I read someone else's response regarding respectin a 'shack up honey". By giving the child a room is not going to change your status so will it change her repect for you? I don't know the reason she doesn't come to visit or if that will change when you both marry but if he doesn't live in the home I don't think she needs a room of her own. The more practivcal thing is a guest room. When and if she is allowed to visit then she can call it her room when she's there. I'm married to a man with 3 kids and they do not come to our home consistantly so our spare bedroom is a guest bedroom. When they come over which is rare, usually only the younger two will come they stay there but it's not decorated like a child's room, it's very neutral and they seem to be fine with it. They still have their clothes and toys in there but I refuse to call it their room because they will not and od not clean up after themselves. They say at their home they live with mom they never have to clean up ans you can't see the floor. Mom just closes the door. I don't lie like that and won't tolerate it so therefore, when they leave they have to clean up. I guess that's in theory becuase they don't fully clean their messes, dad goes in behind them and throws everything in the closet. Good luck!

I have to agree with your fiancee. She needs her own room. It is a gesture that lets her know you consider her a part of the family and there is always a place for her at your home. There is no reason that company can't sleep in her room if she is not there.

My father remarried when I was 15 and they had a child when I was almost 18 (my senior year). Although there was much talk about how we were all going to be one big happy family when they moved into a new home there was no room for me, only a guest room. I was busy and not there very often but it left me feeling like I did not have a place in there new life, that I was just a visitor. It has taken many years for us to get our relationship back on track.

It costs you nothing to make space for his daughter. So what if your "guest room" looks like a kids room. You can always convert it to a guest room later on. I think it's more important to make everyone feel included in the new family.

Wow, there are already so much that you are saying in your question that I don't think you even realize...

1. There is a daughter he does not get to see due to the factor that you two are together
2. Your daughter is already apart of this equation.
3. My 6 year old who will have her own room

Sounds like you have a man who is harboring a lot of resentment and feels that because of you, his child is not in his life like she should be. As it is going to be a house he is buying, he has the right to want to create a place for his child. This way your child is no more or less important than his child who visits from time to time. How do you do that with only a 3 bedroom? You can't..Since the house is not bought yet, can you guys not find a 4 bedroom in his price range?

If not this is going to be a constant thorn as he will always have a reason to resent parts of your relationship. As a stepmom and I have a stepmom, I know the importance of balance in the home. I was never made to feel like a guest in my stepmoms eyes nor did my children feel like guest when they came to visit. My stepchildren did not visit a lot due to their mom being vindictive but their visits were fun because they had a place to come to that was home.

Let go of self and understand that blending families is not easy..

Hopefully you have time to read one more response. I seem confused about why he does not see his child. Unless there is a court order that terminated his rights, he has the right to see her EVEN IF HE HAS NOT PAID CHILD SUPPORT!! Child support does not have anything to do with visitation. He needs to consult w/an Attorney ASAP!!! I know of a GREAT Family Law Attorney in Fort Worth, if you are in this Area. Her name is Leslie Combs ###-###-####. Other than that I think you've gotten really good advice here! Good Luck!!

Along with other people, I also don't understand why your fiance's daughter is not allowed to visit him as long as he is with you. Just like someone else said, if you are not a sex offender, why can't his daughter visit him when you are around? This is the million dollar question...

Haven't read all the responses... I can see why he doesn't want his daughter to feel like she has to use a "guest room" but how 'bout this: Let each girl have their own room, then if a guest comes, your daughter can stay in HIS daughter's room, and your daughter can give her room to the guest. You can tell your daughter she's sleeping in her sister's room. I dunno I don't have any experience with divorce. I hope this suggestion wasn't totally off the wall.

It sounds like your husband is really grieving the loss of relationship with his child. I can only imagine how crazy I would be if I couldn't see one of my children. I think he needs the time to deal with this issue. If it is a bedroom that he wants, then I would give it to him. It may not seem reasonable, but who is reasonable when they can't see their child? I would be more concerned about a man that didn't care if he saw his child or not. Good luck!

S. M, well if its not 100% sure that his daughter will be there visiting it wouldnt make sense to give her an entire room. that doesnt mean to disown her and make her feel like she doesnt matter or belong its just that until you and your fiance know for sure how often she will there the best choice is to make the room a guest room and when she comes to visit she can have the advantage of 1, being in the bigger bed 2, the space and 3, whatever else you have in the room. if your daughter lives with you two then she should have her own room. if he cant accept that then he isnt right

You have had alot of responses, but I'd like to offer a helping hand also...he just wants you to be as excited about his daughter as you are about your own. He only wishes he could share the same type of relationship. But that's a legal issue for HIM to take the leadership role in. But if YOU want your home to operate smoothly, just simply decorate your daughter a room, and decorate his daughter a room. When guests come over let the "girls" take turns on who gives up there room. If you don't make a big deal out of it, your daughter will go along with it, and eventually he may decide that it is unneccesary to "take turns" but as long as you don't agree with him, he is going to hold on to his view.
Good Luck

This sounds like it is less about a room and more about wanting to have his daughter as much a part of the life you are making together as your daughter is.
I know from experience that if you marry him, be ready to take on his child as your very own. (Even if you think it will never happen, it can, my husband had a daughter adopted by her stepfather but when things got tough at home she came to live with us.) Otherwise it is unfair to everyone and when the day comes that she joins your life you will have a lot of adjusting to do.
Embrace his daughter NOW and determine to treat her like your own or don't marry him.

Why dont you give the room to her let her be excited about the new house let her decorate it and then ask her by chance you have a guest over if she minds if they sleep in her room if she is not there herself? This allows her to feel like she is apart of the family and loved.

If she is ok with the room being shared as a guest room I am sure he will be too. I know my son or daughter gets excited about sharing their rooms with guests young and old. It sounds like he just wants her to know she is wanted and important to him even if he cant have her all the time. Custody can change and maybe that is what he is hoping for.

Hi S.,

To be honest, I think you are unfair. They are your kids together no matter she is with you all the time or she just visits once in a while. She should have her own room. Guest can sleep in there if she is not there. but she deserve her own room. I think you should treat them the same, otherwise your relationship won't work.

Why is it that his child can't have the same amount of room that your child has? I am on the other side of that situation. When my daughter would visit her dad she did not have a room of her own and only her own. She slept on a fold out bed in her dad's office, even though they had more bedrooms than people in that house. try to look at how you would feel if you were the parent.

additionally, figure out how to make visits happen. What is keeping his daughter from being able to visit?

Buy a four bedroom house, bedroom for .our daughter, bedroom for his daughter and an guest room and one for the both of you.
His daughter should have her own room decorated the way that she likes so that she feels that she is accepted and wanted
He needs. Her father needs to go and get visitation from the courts.
Please support him with his daughter.

sorry, i agree with your fiancee. how would you feel if the tables were turned? she SHOULD have HER room in her father's home, and guests can sleep in HER room when she is not there if you don't have another room, but it should be decorated for a 7 yr old girl, not company. if/when she comes to stay, she should have her own place, it's only right.

I can see why he wants a special place for his daughter. I think there is a very easy compromise. The room is her's, decorated the way she wants or in a way that compliments a child her age, however, when guests come, they may need that space. My reasoning is this, I have 3 children, we have a 5 bedroom house, with one room being a guest room, but if we have more than 1 guest and need 2 rooms, guess what! My daughter gets the boot (she has a bigger bed)! My daughter and son sleep in my son's room and the guest gets her room. That's what normal people do. It sounds like he's emotional about this issue, so maybe try not to push is but just say lets think about this in a logical way. If both girls lived with us and we had a guest come, what would we do? We would ask the girls to share a room while the guest was there and whomever had the bigger bed would be the one to loose her room for the night. So, let's just go with that thought. Good luck! It really does seem like he's not thinking logically, but just emotionally b/c he's hurt that he doesn't see his daughter. Try to look at the positive side of this. He must want to be a really good dad and is really hurt that he can't see his daughter.

It is something he needs to insure his daughters involvement is his life. He wants her to be apart of it. Have you two talked about the legal options the 2 of you have for him to be able to have is daughter with him. He does have rights.
Its easy to see the wasted space, but its also easy to see the desires of his heart. I bet to him not having a room is a sign of giving up, which he does not want to do.
Good luck.

It is a little unclear as to why the daughter is not allowed to visit you - if the dad has visitation she needs to come. You need to put yourself in your fiance's shoes - this is his child - she needs a room of her own at your house - your child will have one. Your role is to make her feel a part of the new family you and her dad are creating together - not like a second class citizen who doesn't belong there.

Sounds like you guys need a little help deciding what's fair and acceptable. Have you thought about going to a communications/marriage counselor?

My friend isn't married yet and she and her fiance' go work out their difficulties all the time and LOVE it. Dr. Pettic (sp?) near or in Farmer's Branch is the one they go to, but I"m sure there are many other qualified people.

To me this sounds like a serious issue! One worth investing in resolving!

A.

Let him have the extra bedroom. His daughter is as important to him as your child is to you. Guests will understand - and if they don't -- oh well! Keep the peace and know that he misses his daughter.
Good luck and hugs!
E.