Not Talking to In-laws

.

there are "difficult" people, and there are "toxic" people. it's a crappy choice to have to make but you and your husband have to decide if these people are toxic to your family. basically, are they causing more harm than good and is it detrimental to your family to have them in your lives. if the answer is yes, it may be that you have to cut them out completely. lots of us have had to do it, sadly.

i would not let them talk to me that way either. and i'd hope my husband wouldn't roll over and take my son to see them, ignoring the fact that they treated me that way. i disagree with him taking your son there. and i disagree with your saying "he is now having to take our son to visit them." bull. either you are united on this as a family or he's doing his own thing. it sounds like he's doing his own thing. he doesn't "have" to take your son to see them.

by insulting and slandering YOU, they also insulted your husband and your son. if your husband isn't going to put his foot down then you're in a really bad situation. he is choosing them (to "keep the peace") over you.

My friend, "had" In-Laws like that.
Except, worse. Their ENTIRE neighborhood in fact, couldn't stand them.. mostly the MIL. Because, she chronically made trouble/lied/did all kinds of manipulations and was basically just highly Toxic.
My friend, left her Husband for a time, because of it.
It was damaging her mentally. And although she is a tough cookie, she could not take it any longer. She told her Husband. They have 2 children.
Her Husband, knows his Mom and Dad is that way. He and his siblings all left home at a very young age, because the Mom was so damaging and Toxic. And their Dad, was just a follower of his Wife.

Anyway, after about 3 months, my friend returned home with her kids. She and her Husband.... of course discussed it. They ultimately, DISOWNED the MIL. They are much happier now and they have a normal life. Their own life. Not it being damaged constantly by the In-Laws. Mind you, this had been going on for YEARS. AND now, their kids are not going to be damaged... by MIL either.
This MIL was also... contaminating their children. Talking bad about their parents, making up lies, emotionally manipulating them, and treating them like pawns.
Basically, my friend's In-laws.... were also trying to break up their marriage. Why? Because they are just that way. And they were always creating problems and dramas.

Bear in mind, that even if they are family.... you need to think about the damage and ramifications... that this will have upon your children. Then upon your marriage.

Frankly, if my MIL was that way... I would heartily, not want my kids... to be around her.

Ultimately as well, your Husband... has to be on board with you (you are his Wife after all)... and you both need to be on the same page about this. Because, it will affect you, your marriage, your Husband and your children... in very negative ways.

I am curious why there is not solidarity between you and your husband? If they said such awful things about you than HE needs to stand up to them and say enough is enough and they are not to treat you that way or else... As long as he is still going over than nothing will change and it will cause a strain between your nuclear family.

You will need to talk to your husband about this one. He needs to confront them for what they did, and then join you in the distancing if they refuse to apologize and mend their ways by respecting boundaries. He definitely should not bring your son there until this is resolved. He is only creating an irrepairable wedge in your relationship doing so. If you both go your separate ways (you staying home sulking-him continuing business as usual), you are right, this will destroy your marriage.

Hubby needs to understand that he is accountable to you and his child now...not his parents. He's an adult and they should have no say in his life anymore. They should not be meddling in your lives nor bad mouthing you this way.

If he doesn't understand how it is his role to establish healthy boundaries with his parents, you both need to get into couples counseling as soon as possible.

We went through something similar, and after counseling and realizing the injustice of what the out-laws were doing, as a couple made the decision to distance (realized it was the "only" way to save our marriage). Here are some books you can read together that might help you as you sit down to figure things out and what is best for the two of you.

http://www.christianbook.com/boundaries-in-marriage-henry...

http://www.christianbook.com/silently-seduced-parents-the...

You may have to be the adult in this situation...I am not telling you to forgive and forget...I am saying you need to try and make the situation as bearable as possible.
You are putting your husband in a really difficult position...basically you are asking him to choose between you and his parents.
I have no idea what was said...I don't know what the situation is with your inlaws. But as one of the other Mama's has said...they were responsible for raising your husband to be the man that you fell in love with.
I think this is your opportunity to be the bigger person...just put your hurt and anger aside ( it is only hurting you..believe me your MIL does NOT care that you are angry...it just gives her more fuel for HER anger!!!)...put a big smile on your face and go along with your husband for the next weekend visit.
Have a discussion with your husband before you go about what you and he are going to do/say if his parents bring up the previous situation. Go in as a united team...and let him take the lead in any responses.
Good luck...I have dealt with a difficult MIL for 43 years and I can tell you that being angry doesn't change a thing...it just gives you frown lines and WHO needs those?????? :-)

What is your long term plan with this situation? This kind of thing can divide a marriage. Try and sort out if they are toxic or just hard to deal with. I would not cut off family unless they are toxic. Being on the receiving end of hurtful things is not fun but not necessarily toxic. I would have ongoing conversations with hubby to see how it is for him. He is in a really tough spot. Try and empathize with his situation. Even if you feel you need to keep your distance keep checking in with him and work hard to let go of the anger.

I had this ah-ha moment right before I turned 40. It hit me how short life is and that we should not waste it being unhappy. I decided to get rid of everyone and every thing that didn't make me happy. Those family members that I could not absolutely disown, I LIMITED my time with them. I did not feel obligated anymore to do anything with them just because they are my family. So that was how I resolved it and its been awesome ever since! I don't think you have to see them if you don't want to. Your husband can drop off your son or take him over there for a short visit. He is young and will grow up not knowing any different. No big deal. I hope you find something that works for you. Good luck!

My problem was with my SIL - not my MIL/FIL. I don't talk with her. It doesn't affect my life - she lives 8 hours away and she doesn't call her brother (my husband) unless she needs something.

Keep in mind - if you don't like them - these are the people that raised your husband - without them you wouldn't have your husband or your son - will he act like them at one point? THIS IS PURELY HYPOTHETICAL but one can wonder....

This doesn't excuse their behavior - I'm glad your husband went with you and supported you - that's great.

You need to let your anger and hatred go. It will only eat at you - not them. You are only damaging yourself - not them. If you don't think you can let it go on your own? Then please seek counseling to allow you to process and get through the feelings you have without taking it out on your husband who is caught in the middle....

Take a deep breath.
be the adult.

S. M. I am sending you my original answer in a private message. You have gotten some fab advice from some of the ladies posting here, I am in great agreement with Jaimee K, J.L and Adansmama.

Remember, you are something to be treasured by your husband. He's in the middle of the situation no matter what. That happened when he CHOSE you. :) It's only natural!

Its a clue they want to be right all the time, but in time it should boil over and as much as you would want them to vanish off the face of the earth, they are your family and your husband's parents, and so let it alone for now and then go back later and see if you can try again to be civil.

You don't have to agree on everything but you can be the bigger person and realize older people are usually set in their ways

i think we have the same mil! we are litterally moving 2 states away to get away from her ways of twisting things around so she is always the victim.

Where is your husband in this?
Of course he will always be their son and your wife but where is HIS priority?
I'm truly sorry for you. My bff has awful in laws and a typical "mamma's boy" husband but he HAS stood up and said "mom, you need to treat my wife with some respect or else we just won't come around so much."
Sadly it took several years of marriage for this to happen (the kids are now 9 and 5) but they seem to be working it out.
Good luck!

IN my situation, my MIL told my then boyfriend, now husband, that if he continued to date me she would disown Him....

So, I said good bye to him, as I was not going to go knowingly into a relationship that kind of start and seriously undermining MIL...

So, my husband, now, vowed never to speak with them unless they apologized, only asked that I leave a 'crack' in the door so to speak. I am naturally a forgiving person, so I said yes, I'll leave the door wide open, and let's see how it goes.

It took about 9 months for them to 'come around' to believe that we truly loved each other. My husband is Korean, and I am divorced mother of gorgeous little girl, in other words, I'm trash to them especially for their first born son.

We have not had an easy relationship. I always remain civil and polite around them. We spent many years taking care of them, taking them to all their Asian shopping, herbal docs, medical appts, etc...She warmed up to me in front of my husband, but never in front of her daughters - who by the way are married to white males. I digress....totally different culture and problems you face.

We will always be exposed to immature, lying, toxic people in our lives and the result will always be a mess of confused emotions with us the normal ones picking up the pieces and trying to decide a healthier path.

My recommendation is that you limit exposure significantly and reduce it to only meaning family holiday's. I would see people like this about 3x year: Thanksgiving OR Christmas, not both, one significant birthday and whatever holiday you are comfortable ruining.

And your husband needs to be on board with this decision.

GL!

a few years back. after having kids, i decided i couldn't continue living with the way i felt towards my mil. it was not healthy for me. so i gave it a chance to see if she at least would make attempt to get close to our kids. she didn't. i decided it was time to stop contact. i did. so kids and i have no contact with my mil. at all. my husband does over the phone when he calls his dad once a week. my husband agreed with my decision, he wished i didn't make it, but also realized his mom would never change. so it has not affected our life at all. he knows how i feel towards her, and he thinks it's her loss. although i still would have stopped contact even if my husband disagreed with me. it wasn't about him. it was about me and the kids. she was fine towards him but not me and the kids. she always made up stories about me to other people, including my two sisters-in-law, and that eventually affected out relationship too. she is old and one day she won't be around. i know my sisters-in-law will try to make it right with me once she is gone but even for them the train has left. i don't think i will ever look back at any of them and try to have relationships.

Saying anything about anybody whether behind their back or in front of them is not good and causes problems. You should sit down with your husband and his family and tell them what has happened, why you are upset, how you both feel and then he should tell them it's not true and if they continue to do this sort of thing you can't either one be around them or your son around them either. I know it's painful either way and I do think grandchildren should be able to see the grandparents but you can't have someone splitting up the family or causes issues. You should ask if they would appologize and start over again. Forgive them and don't try to shut them out if they agree to start over. I think the idea of shutting people out leaves no room for forgiveness and fixing things, that's my opinion. It doesn't let us move forward as families. The behavior needs to change but by working on it together. Your husband should stand up for you though and be firm to them if need be.

As hard as it will be....you all need to sit down and talk with a mediator. This will definitely end up putting a strain on you and your husbands relationship. It is not fair that your child had to grow up without those grandparents active in his life. I hope that you find the strength to be the mature one in this situation. Life is too short! God bless!
A.

My worry is for your son. One of these times he is over there, she is going to say something so inappropriate to say to and around a child that it will hurt his feelings. A mean Lie about mama does harm. *about anyone your son loves really*.
My Grandmother said mean comments about me to my own Dad in front of my *then only son*. It affected him in school. The teacher asked me if anything was wrong. I had already tried to console my son, that what she said was not true, and did all I could and say to be there for him. I told my father and my grandmother and was ignored for the most part. So, I stopped taking my son over there. I told my Dad why, he told me that she is set in her ways. I said, that is no excuse. It was not right to do that when I was that age, it is the same for the next generation.