We've all seen kids who seem willful, devious, out of control, and parents who make plenty of warnings and threats, but demonstrate little follow through. The lack of follow-through and consistency is the primary problem, no matter what parenting style is employed (here's one fairly simplified description of styles: http://psychology.about.com/od/developmentalpsychology/a/...)
I was raised by a strongly Authoritarian mother, and every memory I have of my childhood is miserable. So I raised my completely delightful daughter as an Authoritative parent, incorporating many techniques that would now be called compassionate or positive parenting. And in my religious community, I've watched 2 generations of happy, well-behaved children raised this way, without negativity or spanking. They exhibit as much self-control and ability to deal with frustration as any "strictly" raised child.
So I am convinced that negative punishments are probably seldom needed. But what is needed, if you weren't raised this way yourself, is a good book or two for general guidance and supportive resource material.
The two books I'd suggest for a child of 2.5 are The Happiest Toddler on the Block, by Dr. Harvey Karp, and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. I started using the techniques in this second book when my grandson was 2.5, and have had consistently brilliant results. He's now 5.5, and we are the most amazing team. And the ideas in Happiest Toddler are so sensible and kind, and keep a child's emotional needs in focus, allowing for a low-stress transition through toddlerhood for both child and parents.
You can also watch a few quick videos about Dr. Karp's approach: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&a.... . He demonstrates exactly how he "speaks" the toddler's language so they know he's heard the need they are expressing. This calms them and makes it easier for them to cooperate.
In case and of these are new to you, here is a list of my favorite tips for happily coexisting with a toddler:
1. Hold in mind that your son is not "trying" to be naughty; he's trying to meet some need, and he has a very poor repertoire of strategies with which to try. Children truly don't want to cause problems or get in trouble if they have any other way at all to meet their own growing need for autonomy, independence, and control of their circumstances. For a couple more years, he just won't see very much from your point of view. He can't help it. Dawdling, digging in heels, bolting, and even tantrums are often a natural outcome of being more scheduled, pressured, disappointed or frustrated than he can endure. And some children have a MUCH harder time of it than others.
2. There are lots of positive ways to approach discipline (which actually means teaching, and not punishment), rather than just saying no. Kids who hear NO! often become so frustrated. So look for ways of finding a mutual "yes," and save "no" for those occasions when children are trying something dangerous. Instead of "Put that remote down!" for example, try "Hey, look at this (dead) cell phone!" There will also be times when you must have cooperation, like diapering or trips to the store, so keep a special toy or distraction that he gets to play with only at those times. You may be able to avoid a whole lot of "No; Hands Off; Stop that; Put that down."
3. Keep it playful, and keep it respectful. Children learn primarily through play and imitation. You may need help with this if your parents didn't model a lighthearted and kind approach when you were little. The book Playful Parenting is a great resource. Your son's sense of humor is developing, crude though it may be. (Also be aware that some "behaviors" like throwing are a natural experimental activity for kids, a form of play that is programmed into them for the purpose of developing brain/body connections. Find plenty of "acceptable" outlets for those repeating behaviors.)
4. Here's a big one: GIVE ADVANCE NOTICE when you'll want him to be doing anything differently, especially when he's grooving on some activity/play. Children absolutely hate unexpected transitions. With my grandson, we let him know at least a couple of times that a change is coming ("We're going to go to the store / have lunch / take a nap pretty soon." … and then a second alert a minute before making the change.)
5. Whatever the next activity is, make it sound as desirable as possible. Give some detail about the ride in the car, or a favorite food at lunch, or sweet snuggles before nap. Be positive and enthusiastic. And be calm. Desperation will show, and even though he's too young to deliberately engage in a planned power struggle, he will quite naturally sense any cracks in your resolve. And this is where future power struggles truly can begin.
6. Learn his limits. Try to keep demands low when he's tired, over-managed, hungry, or sick. He won't have any emotional reserves left with which to cooperate.
7. Get to know his most likely trouble-spots, and plan ahead. For many kids, it's when they they've SEEN something tempting. So keep those things out of sight when possible. Be prepared with a distraction – for example, another toy he likes when you have to take some fascinating object away, or a healthy treat when he wants a sweet snack. Laughter, introducing a new game, a few twirls and bounces, hugs or tickles, a goofy song, can help break into his determination to get something he wants (that short attention span is both a curse and a blessing). And those interactions will give him some of the positive strokes he might be missing now that a new baby is distracting you more.
8. Avoid bribes, but let him work toward occasional rewards. Don't try to buy cooperation with "IF you'll do X, we'll let you have Y." Instead, phrase it as if he gets to assist in advancing something good for himself: "Hey, as soon as you help me get X done, then we get to do Y." It sounds like a small distinction, but it's important. It gives the child a chance to cooperate in what feels to him like choice, even when there's no "if" about it.
9. Encourage lots and lots of physical activity during the day. Time outdoors in nature is calming for most children. If he has pent-up energy, it will have to come out some way, and unless channeled in a positive direction, it will likely to add to both your stress and his.
10. Limit TV time – the passive receptivity to all that fast editing seriously interferes with children's normal brainwave patterns, making focus, cooperative behavior, and engagement in the "real" world more difficult.
11. Whatever you are trying to teach will need to be repeated hundreds of times over the next few years. That's completely normal. Attention spans and impulse control are extremely limited in toddlers, and the areas of the brain where those connections are being made develop only gradually during the toddler years.
12. Spanking and time-outs don't work for every kid, and for some will actually backfire over time. Children may be annoyed, intimidated, shocked, or shamed into compliance, but behaving for the sake of avoiding discomfort is NOT the same thing as developing an internalized sense of "good." Consistent, calm guidance and modeling what you DO want from him will work better in the long run than punishing for what you DON'T want him to do. See more on this by googling The Science of Parenting or Emotion Coaching.
13. Pay attention to what you love and appreciate about your son, and make sure he knows. Treat him with calm and respectful authority. Children crave attention, appreciation, and approval, and if he knows you're noticing his good moments, he'll try to create more of them.
14. Be open to learning new things about your little boy daily, even hourly. Often, what we think or assume gets in the way of noticing what is actually happening.
I wish you well. Enjoy your little boy – this is a challenging AND rewarding age!