Old Fashioned Momma?

I made it clear to my daughter that, no matter where she was, behavior that wasn't acceptable at home wasn't acceptable for her to engage in, period, no matter who else was doing it.
Their house, their kids, their rules, but my rules for my kid, no matter whose house we're at.
It's hard to enforce sometimes, but after my daughter was grown, she actually thanked me for raising her the way I did.

Yes, to everything you said, I am the same way, people are just wanting to be kids friends these days, and I hear all the time the excuses people make for their kids.. It's too funny. Those are babies, they don't know, they forget, and so on and so on.. And another thing I hate is people are so scared to discipline their kids cause they say, what if CPS gets involved..huh??? Do you plan on blacking their eyes, or what?

I totally agree with you.

Parents nowadays are either too lazy, just plain don't care, or are too worried about damaging their kids psyche to discipline them. Kids rule the roost because parents would rather be a friend, than say "no". It's awful.

I won't change how I do things though. I may be "mean" according to modern day non-parents, but I could care less. It's no coincidence that more kids are having issues at school, getting in trouble, and that, society, in general, is on a decline in how they treat each other & behave.

Well, here's what I say (and it seems to help): I don't care if "Rhoda" is climbing on the dining room table, I'm not her mother. I'm YOUR mother and I say no.That is not an ok thing to do".

This conversation takes place often at the IL's. And from all I can tell it is just plain laziness-at least in our situation.

I think there are so many parents out there that are so liberal in thinking that their children must be carefree and be themselves that they tend not to correct them or discipline them the way our parents did us. I am exactly the way you are and when my children see how other children act, I tell them that I am THEIR parent and that I am raising my children to be responsible and polite and have manners. I tell them that if they would like to live with those parents, let me know b/c I can almost guarantee them that their mommy will love them more and take care of them. I ask if they think those children behave? They usually say 'no'. Just keep doing what you are doing, it WILL pay off.

It's not old fashioned, but people DO have different rules.

I teach my son to follow the rules of the home he's in, and to ask first.

BUT

- We bounce on the bed
- Jump off the stairs
- Do gymnastics and ride skateboards in the house

Those are just the top three that come to mind. I don't ignore those actions, and I don't hope they'll go away...I encourage them. It was pretty easy to teach "different houses/people have different rules" when he was little. Even easier to teach him to ask "Is it okay to jump off the stairs?" and accept "No" as an answer.

My son has structure, and rules, and is exceedingly well behaved most of the time. Both in my own estimation (as in showing respect to me, doing what he is supposed to, listening, etc.) and in reports from other people. Not that he doesn't have his moments! (or years, we had a whole year of the terrible 3's... but that's also really developmentally normal. Kids push boundaries, and you stay consistent. A pain, but simple.)

But just because my son has structure and rules does NOT mean they will be the same as your structure and rules.

I only know one family who is as you describe (and they are NOT young parents, 40's & professionals). The entire family is absolutely disrespectful, and completely unconcerned about the well being of anyone except themselves.

The REST... they just have different rules. I won't let my son jump on YOUR couch, but I'm also not going to disallow children from jumping on mine.

What I DO "change" on is the 'lowest common denominator'. Meaning I ask other parents before movies, food, & outings... and get their permission first. If one child is not allowed to do something, then no child is. We bump those rules down so EVERYONE can have fun. But those are 'individual rules' and not house rules.

Me too. I think some parents are lazy, some are in denial, some just don't know what they're doing, some may have had over the top punishing parents and are going the opposite direction. I'm sure I'll run into this with my son - we're not super permissive, but I've seen other parents allow their kid to walk on the tables at the kid area in McDonalds and I don't get why they can't say "tables are for food, not feet", etc. And a nice woman at the park didn't stop her pre-schooler from climbing ON MY CAR - she said "don't" but didn't follow up on it. I had to say something, but am I going to grab someone elses kid (yes, if his life were in danger)? Sigh.

You're a not alone! I'm appalled at the way some children act! We've had children at our house that just go around playing with whatever they want. I was raised never to touch anything in someone else's house unless you ask first. I can't believe that their parents don't tell them to "put down that vase." I have to do it. And they are not invited back.

My daughter spent the night at a friends' house and they decided to cook at 2 in the morning. They used the stove without supervision and made a mess. I was livid, not only at the mess but the fact that they didn't ask first and they were using a stove without an adult aware of it. My daughter is 10 and she knows some stuff about cooking but I never let her do it alone. The mom who was in charge laughed it off. My daughter is not allowed to spend the night anymore.

It amazes me how many people just let their kids do whatever they want. I'm sure they'll be the ones moaning and complaining in a few years that their kids are in trouble of one kind or another!

Maybe you r an old fashioned mom but other parents can get over it. When I was young my best friends mom had a talk with my mom before I ever stayed the night. She told my Mom she expected me to follow her house rules and she would discipline me like her own. My mom agreed and that was that.. My friends mom never spanked me but if we got in trouble and punishment needed to be delt out she would. Cleaning up after ourselves was expected. She turned out to be my 2nd mom. I named my youngest after her. You maybe theese kids saving grace. I know my longtime friends mom was mine.Sit down with their parents while they play and explain what you expect and see what they expect if they dont like it. Nicely show them the door. It might be hard for your daughter now but the long term is better for you both. I meet my friend in 1985. She is still like my sister and always will be.

Nope, I have the same issue. Mostly with kids not having bounderies.

In my experience, all the people around me are bad parents (with very few exceptions...and I'm just talking about my neighborhood, by the way.)

It's so frustrating to me...we don't let our children play with MOST of the children around us, because they are a bad influence. I feel bad for keeping her away from the neighborhood crowd, I guess...at six, they just want to play...but I'm not having a bunch of unruly children corrupting my very well behaved ones.

I'm hard pressed to find parents I see eye to eye with in my community and that have children I approve of. It sucks. Too bad you and I aren't neighbors, eh? :)

I feel the same way!! I think alot are lazy or want to be their friend instead of thier parents.

you know, it's not the kids' fault....it's the parents! Having an in-home daycare, I am appalled at how frequently children are "indulged"...simply to shut them up.

I've used this example on here before...again & again, I will hear kids screaming, crying, witching on my front porch - all because Mom opened my door & forgot to let the child do it. & the worst part is when Mom goes back outside, closes the door, & lets the child reopen the door! How insane! & I see it again & again.

As for your examples of being an old-fashioned mom.....nope, I don't agree with you. There is nothing wrong with jumping on a bed! Taking it a step further, we also have marshmallow fights in the house. We have wrestling matches on the floor, on the couch, on the beds. & in my house, "we" means my 57yo DH, my 24yo son (who's on his way back to college after a hip replacemt), my 15yo son, & our 2 80lb dogs.....& whomever else is in the house! Well, except for my Mom...she hates the noise now that she's older.

One day recently, the 2 1/2 men in my house + the 4 kids in my daycare had a ball pit free-for-all.....when one of the moms walked in. She stopped in her tracks & said, "seriously, you let them throw in the house?". My answer was "absolutely! Those are squishy balls & they can't hurt anyone nor break my treasures". She watched the action for a few minutes & just shook her head & asked how I could stand the commotion. I told her that it was a.o.k......it was clean, innocent fun & no one was getting hurt. But, on the other hand, this is the mom who does not let the older kids (age 8-15) play with her 2yo son....no one is allowed to touch his toys/stuff. How sad!

For all of the craziness in our home, my sons do know & understand my rules & regulations. They know how to respect my houseful of antiques, they know how to offer hospitality, & they know how to follow my rules. Most of the time, life is dealt with a wicked sense of humor & that makes the rules easier to bear.

I am amazed at how many of my sons' friends are from homes without rules. The parents claim to be "all about" their kids, but really are just disengaged or prefer to be their friends....as opposed to parenting. I have always told my sons that I was not put on earth to be their friend....I am their Mother & if they learn to abide by that....then we will be friends. For me, part of parenting is being the rule maker, the foundation-builder...& the marshmallow thrower! Fun & respect can go together.

It is easy to become a parent, it takes a lot of effort to learn how to be a parent.

Some people have no idea what they are doing, some are over whelmed and some think their kids do no wrong.

I am fortunate that 99% of the children our daughter was friends with were from good parents. Sometimes the children made bad choices or got too excited, but we all agreed that if a child was in our care, the parent was allowed to correct or expect good behaviors from all children in our care.

Children need boundaries. They thrive on rules. They like knowing we are aware of their behaviors and care enough about them to remind them.

Yes, what you're doing is old fashioned and I've done the same thing with my sons, now 17 and 13.

I have (had) absolutely NO problem curtailing involvement with children whose parents allow things in their home that I disagree with. For example, my youngest son's best friend has parents/grandparents who let him play hours and hours of extremely violent video games (e.g. Halo). My son can play over maybe two hours a year. This child is more than welcome to come to my house and play but his mom disallows time with my family because we allow our son to play a computer game that has a pentagon in it (Wizard 101). <chuckle> The door swings both ways!

What I never did, though, was hide from my sons why they couldn't play over at certain kids' homes. In age appropriate ways (and it got much easier as they got older), I would explain what I was uncomfortable with and why. It never failed to amaze me that my sons would understand my position and accept it...maybe not agree with it, but accept my decision. It was very rarely a hassle. When these children came to my home, I politely explained the rules and enforced them. There were times when play dates were cut short because rules weren't followed. The most common comment after the child was dropped off was, "Thanks, mom. So-and-so was awful to be with."

My sons aren't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm proud of who they are, how well behaved they are and where they're headed in life. You will be, too, so don't be afraid to stick to your guns against the naysayers.

Hang tough, sister. You're doing great!

My children know the rules and they apply wherever we go. I have 2 boys and they are both well behaved at school, church, etc. I have talked with them since birth pretty much about acting appropriately even if others choose not to. I'm big on talking with children and explaining things so they fully understand what's expected and why. I have no idea what's wrong with some children. Sometimes I see a child and their behvior is so unacceptable that I can't imagine what they are or are not being taught at home. I really think their parents are either overly permissive or overly strict. I think both will cause a child to act out.

Let your kids know that you are their parent, you care for them and feel that teaching them strong values will make them better people. You expect them to follow the rules even when they either think or know you aren't looking. You expect them to behave at others houses even if there is pressure not to behave as expected at home. Most kids don't like coming to our home as I am fairly strict and believe kids should have fun but follow the rules while doing so. I also expect to be called an let in if my child is misbehaving but I also expect if I allow my child at your house you will do the immediate verbal and possibly timeout type of discipline and call me to continue with the teaching process at home. I remember as a child doing something wrong 4 houses down, getting a scolding and deciding to run home. My Mom was waiting for me at the door for the rest of the punishment, she already had been informed. It takes a village, kids these days show no respect for adults and believe their parents will defend the child rather than do what is right.

I don't care if families all jump on the bed and throw marshmallows at each other all day (as one mom noted) as long as the kids are taught not to go to other peoples' homes and do the same thing. Pushing and hair pulling as you describe, however, must indeed be halted and disciplined for, no matter where they happen.

Those things can be corrected for, but I worry much more about kids who are developing a total lack of respect for their parents in much more serious ways, like our niece, who is never corrected for much graver issues (to me) than any crimes against property: She talks back to both her parents all the time, stomps and pouts to get what she wants, and when she is not interested in at least acting attentive to her elders (or her peers), she just turns her back and walks away, done. No one has ever taught her that you listen politely to other people even if you are not really interested. (Especially when they are your aging and ill grandparents!)

She is only very rarely corrected for these behaviors and when she is corrected it's with the softest "Lovey, we don't do that," and zero consequences. As a result she's constantly rude to her grandparents, us (her aunt and uncle), her cousin, and especially her parents who just...take it.

All this is to say -- there are much bigger issues than jumping on the bed. Oh yes, and this child isn't five or six or seven. She is nearly TWELVE. So I don't anticipate this behavior ever improving much, since she has had all these years of ruliing the roost. She can be a terrific and fun kid -- as long as she's doing what she wants at that moment. They live in another country so we only see her once a year but the behavior is the same on every visit (and no it's not a function of her behaving badly to get attention while the guests are there). Sad that she will grow up so self-centered and inconsiderate.

We have standards for our kids (and right now a lot with our daughter) that a lot of the other parents here don't seem to share. She is not allowed to have a facebook, a cell phone, walk the neighborhood, be gone for long without checking in. She has to call when she gets somewhere and call when she leaves, I don't care if it's three doors down. She isn't allowed to treat other girls meanly, gossip, etc. We are absolutely not down with the whole "girls will be girls" mentality. She isn't allowed to dress in clothes that have body parts hanging out. She isn't allowed to have a boyfriend. She is soon to be 11 we are not raising her like she's 15

She gets frustrated because other parents allow a lot more of their young girls. My answer EVERY TIME is, "I am not their mom, I am your mom. I would rather you be mad at me now for caring too much, than hate me later for not caring enough."

I think parents have gotten more lax in rules. They consider basics like manners and accountability old school along with some of the basic parenting techniques like saying, "no." Why not tell your child "no"? Are we sending them into a world that never says, "No"? Life isn't ice cream and lollipops set out for us on a platter full of "yes".

I hear you. I am amazed at the low expectations for behavior lots of parents seem to accept. The foundation you're laying now will make your job easier in the future. I have first hand experience that the out of control kids who have not been disciplined turn into out of control tweens, teens and I would expect eventually out of control adults. You are giving a gift to your children in providing structure and high expectations. They will be better prepared for the world and better adjusted then kids whose parents spoiled them or wanted to be their best friend.
The secret is that children WANT those kinds of boundaries. They want to know whose in charge and that it isn't them. When kids get to make the rules they feel overwhelmed and scared and keep pushing the envelope in order to get someone to tell them "NO". I see it all the time and believe me that drive for attention and structure doesn't end, the behavior gets more and more out of control as the kids grows up.
Here's another little secret I've learned. Even with structure and rules our family (and the other families I know who have parents that are clearly in charge) seem to have more fun. When kids are contantly calling the shots no one is happy and it infects the whole family. One pouting child takes down the positive vibe for everyone.
Keep up your standards and don't worry about it rubbing off on your kids, as long as you don't cave they'll get the picture. I will say that if it's that bad it will probably get worse as the kids grow and you may find at some point you can't stand to be around those children anymore!

Sadly, I am glad that my younger kids are close in age... mainly because now they have built in friends that I know won't be bad influences. We are know as the "strict" and "over protective" parents, but I just expect my kids to be good (which doesn't mean not to have fun) & respect others. My kids want to know why the neighbor kids can walk to school alone at 5 & 7 and why they can't (mine are 4, 6 & 7) - sorry but I don't think they are old enough yet, I watch out for my kids & don't use my pregancy (which mind you I'm a month farther along w/ complications) as an excuse not to take care of my kids already born. My kids also want to know why they have to go to bed at 8 on a school night, when all the other kids are still in the streets at 10, why the other kids can play in streets and they have to play in the backyard (which has a 6 foot wood fence around it) - sorry but the kids in the streets are pitching bricks through windows/doors of vacant houses, pulling plants out of flower beds, skipping school (if they are even signed up for school), peeing in trash cans, and looking in car windows... which yes I called the cops, but they did nothing since it wasn't my house being damaged and they didn't actually brake into my car (yet). My kids also don't understand why they can't play with the 7 yr old boy that told my 7 yr old girl that he can only play house with her if he can stick his peepee in her peepee. Go figure - anyone else know why?? BTW - his mom just laughed and though I was over reacting!

If I am "old fashioned", "strict" or "over protective" oh well... my job is to protect my kids any way that I can and to try to raise them with morals, understanding and a drive to be the best that they can be. If that means that they don't always understand - guess it is what it is, if they "hate me" or I "ruine their lives" as my 17 yr old tells me often - guess it is what it is... but someday they will understand my reasoning & hopefully why I was "old fashioned", "strict" and/or "over protective". If not I guess I messed up somewhere cause I didn't end up raising kids with morals, understanding and that are the best that they can be.

I definitely raised my kids the "old fashioned way". Meaning, I didn't put up with naughtiness.
I raised two kids by myself and I always got compliments on how polite and well behaved they were.

I, personally, think that these days some parents are afraid of hurting their kids feelings or upsetting them by disciplining them. Then they wonder why their kids won't listen to them or do anything they are told.

I always took the opinion that I just needed to worry about my own kids and raise them according to my values and what other people do is their business. I've had more than one occasion where I quit letting my children around other kids who were free to be maniacs.
It happens.

As my kids got older, they made the choice themselves to not be involved with kids who acted up all the time.

Just keep doing what you're doing.

Just my opinion.

I have noticed that all of us moms, not just on this site but everywhere, see how naughty other peoples children are and how good our children are and how we don't want them to teach our children bad behavior. I use to think my children's friends use to lead them into going against what they were taught and then I found out my kids did their own leading at times. I came realize you can't raise everyones children, just your own and how they behave around you isn't always how they behave when they aren't around you... both good and bad. If it were my house I would sit down the rules for everyones kids which included no jumping on the beds. If they were else where and my child did something I didn't agree with I would say "I know they can do that but we don't and that is the way it is" To some jumping on the bed is all part of being a child and I am more likely to let my grandkids do it then I did my own children. With my children I bought a little exersize trampoline and they would get their jumping out on that. One thing I also found out is that even though you think those kids are going to grow up and be hellions when they don't have rules when they are young, most do grow up and lead good productive lives.

It's a tough thing for kids to understand, but we just repeat this mantra a lot: different families have different rules. In our family, we do things this way. The real trick then is getting them to apply YOUR family rules when they are with other families. It's best to address specific situations as they come up, rather than generalize: "In our family, we don't jump on the bed." "In our family, we say 'please' and 'thank you.' " Or whatever. Also, when you "catch" your kids following your family rules, say something: "I really appreciated how polite you were to Jane's mom." Or "Thank you for bringing your juice cup to the sink, even though the other kids didn't." You don't have to spend any energy criticizing the other kids' behavior, spend it all on helping your kid to be the kind of person you hope they will become. Good luck!

I'm the old fashioned disciplinarian type too. And my kids are good. We are always courteous at other people's homes and public places, always help them pick up their toys before we leave etc. And yeah, I do feel like I'm the only one at times. We had friends over the other week, who TRASHED the house and the toy room. Like TRASHED it. And thought nothing of leaving it that way. And no, I don't think you should have to ask guests to help if they don't offer. But I know why they didn't tell their kids to help: Because the kids don't do what they say, and they didn't want a confrontation.

This would have been unheard of when I was a kid in my circle of friends and relatives. My parents were strict in the 70's and my friend's parents, aunts and uncles were even stricter!

Now I feel like while all the other moms are "picking their battles" and letting their kids be "age appropriate", we are left out sticks in the mud and nerds, but I want my kids to learn manners and impulse control to benefit them in life. So we just deal with it. I'm often the only one at the party reminding the kids to thank the host and tidy up etc. But oh well.

I think you have been unlucky. Most of my friends (and my children's friends' parents) have well-behaved children who are very pleasant to be around. What I tend to see a little more often is parents who hover and helicopter, rather than the other extreme. I know a mom who wouldn't allow her fifth grader to walk less than a block to our house by himself. I thought that was kind of ridiculous.

There is definitely a balance. I used to allow bed jumping at our old house, when the kids were young, because we had a bed that could take it. At our new house, the beds might break, so they don't do it. We set limits, and have high expectations, but we also let our children have independence. My kids are a bit older, but they are allowed to be alone at home, or to be at home with a friend without much supervision from me (depending on the friend -- there was one a few years ago who was wild, and I checked in on him and my son every 15 minutes).

Yesterday my sixth grader had a buddy over. They cleaned up the basement family room without being reminded, because that is the expectation at both boys' houses.

Do what you are doing. And know that you are not alone!