Older Brother Rejects Mommy Since He Had a New Brother

I recommend you go to your pediatrician first. I have a 4 year old and a 4 month old. We have been trying to get into a play therapy or counseling session at Lena Pope home and are on a 2 month waiting list...which I hear is about right. The pediatrician said my son was already strong willed but more so now that the baby is here. She said he was resenting me. My son even told me he missed the days we used to play together. I tried sending him to a PDO for 2 months (to give him his own learning experience and me a break) but that didn't work out.
If you would like to email me, I would love to share my experience. I have tried everything from behavior charts to rewards of time (black balls in jar with rewards of slumber party with dad, etc which we just started and he loves.) I include my son in everything I do (one of his chores is filling the diaper bin) for the baby and he loves helping. I think it is all about making the adjustment. My husband is only here on wkds (busiest time of the year) and dotes on him the entire time. My son used to prefer his daddy (good cop-bad cop) to me but it seems the more structured I am during the week, the happier he is with the situation. He loves his brother but in the past used to bite him to get my attention. Sometimes he gets angry with me when I send him to time out or ask him to do something he doesn't want to do. Even while I was pregnant, he would try to hit me or bite me when I sent him to time out. I had to become very firm and stopped this immediately. He is very strong and I could just see him at 14. More to tell...good luck. My son is a sweet boy and I know we will get through this.

Hi G., this may not have anything at all to do with the new brother. Some kid this age just really get attached to one parent. Don't worry about it at all, this stage will pass. I think you should feel extremely lucky that your husband is so hands on and takes such a wonderful role in his kids lives. One other suggestion, instead of each taking a kid and being divided all the time, try spending an hour or so each day ALL together. Maybe it can be cooking dinner together or playing with your older sons toys or going for a walk. Let everyone participate (baby can sit in a seat so both parents have hands free). Maybe this will help your son realize that he can be active with both parents and doesn't always have to choose one or the other.

This certainly does happen, but for him to still be acting this way after almost 4 months .. seems a little extreme as generally when they are close in age your 19 month old hasn't *really* gotten used to being an only child say like a 5 year old would. So, while I think his behavior is a bit extreme, I don't think it's completely uncommon.

I will say at 19 months .. ABSOLUTELY do not let him kick and hit you .. nip that in the bud immediately while he's still little and don't let that 'get' to you .. you are the parent, be strong!!! I like the suggestion of the previous poster - QTIP. You can not let this affect you and have your feelings hurt. You'd be a mess by the time he's a teenager - LOL ;-) Some kids like to get reactions (of all sorts) from their parents .... clearly he sees he can get a BIG reaction from you by being mean to you. Don't let it!

Let him be a daddy's boy for a bit - it's OKAY and happens. He'll come back around, he's still a baby/toddler himself. Continue to try and set up time for just you and him to do some fun activities .. perhaps go to the playground, wherever he likes to go or things he like to do .. he is much to young to be 'ruling the roost', know what I mean! :-) You are the parent and you can choose how things are handled in your home. Give him some time and I bet he'll come around.

Good luck!!! :-D (((HUG)))

This is NOT a normal thing. Wow! It sounds just like my sister (2nd child) when I was born (3rd child). We were 17 months apart. She never wanted to have anything to do with my mom and she resented me until adulthood.

I know this is not at all reassuring, but it sounds as if your son has some other things going on. You might think about having him looked at by a behavioral specialist (I know the name sounds bad). They understand this type of thing better. Ask your pediatrician for a referral.

Hope it helps.

Blessings,

P. <><

I went through the same thing last summer after the birth of my second son. My oldest had just turned three and he wanted nothing to do with his brother or me. His behavior was just terrible when I was around. However, I didn't allow bad behavior. I treated it as I normally would have. I had just been through giving birth and a sick newborn who was in the NICU for a week and it broke my heart that my oldest was rejecting me. As time went on things got better, but it didn't happen over night. It was weeks before my son was himself around me and he still doesn't totally accept his brother and that was a year ago. They may never be close and I'll have to accept that, but hopefully someday they will. Just as your life changes after you have your first, your lives change again with the birth of another and that's hard for a child to accept. You'll all get through this, just give it time.

I had girls close like that in age, and sad to say I think the baby got neglected, as the older one needed so much attention, as she was still the age 14 mo. to put things in her mouth etc. but if you could get a doll or teddy bear, and have your older son take (care of it) while you are doing someting for the baby, and say something like how well he is taking care of Teddy, and also see if he will go get a diaper for you, and tell him what a good helper he is. And try and say when he was a baby like this you had to do stuff like this for him, (feed-diaper) and won't it be nice when he is a big boy like you, and we don't have to do this anymore, and you will have a play mate , won't this be fun? Also I think it will tak a little adjustment and time, but maybe some of the above suggestions will help, and keep telling him how much you care for him while you are doing things for the baby, and try to have a story time or play time each day, if nothing elses when you give him a bath. He will just have to learn to share some time.

Hey G.-
Dont worry- a lot of people go thru it- my dis aere 3 years apart and fortunately the transisiton went well- For instance- I let him go get his baby sister from the nursery instead of bringing the baby home from no where- luckyily it worked out- but I have had friends with the same problem- 2 questions- are your nursing? SOmetimes if you are in play mode with the older boy - do you have to stop to nurse??? that can complicate issues- can up pump so that maybe he can even help to feed the baby and become part of it all?- Dad too
2nd- When you have time with the older son- sounds to me like you are still "home"- I would suggest getting out and doing something fun- out of the environment that you have to be the babies mommy for that time.
It will all work out- just don't give his "negative" behavior too much attention and stand your ground.
Hope these suggestions help-
D. S.

I'd say,don't take it personally. I had a similar thing happen to me with my daughter when her baby brother was born. Don't give in to his poor behavior and make sure you and your husband put him in time out for mean behavior. He may also take out his frustration on you because you are a safer target than his baby brother. I would actually increase the time he has with his dad. I read that children who did this was because they weren't getting enough attention from that parent. My daughter only wanted her dad and I was chop liver...I knew that this was common and it was a phase, but it still bothered me. Whenever her dad was home, she would hound him incessantly, so I encouraged my husband to take her to the park every day after work before dinner. She was like a puppy waiting and whining for him...At times, it bugged him that she wouldn't leave him alone. I added him giving her a bath at night so they could at least be together, and I could do the dishes in peace. When the weather got good, I would have a picnic with my daughter outside, something only we did together. I also took her out for mommy time without her baby brother (e.g., to the Willowbend mall play area). She really enjoyed that. When I went back to school full time, her preference changed to me, and she whined and waited for me. She seemed to want the one she saw less of. I have to say she still prefers her Dad over me. I tell her that I love her but not always her behavior when she is mean to me. I hope that some of this was useful. Good luck.

First off, think QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally.

My boys are a little further apart than yours, but not much.. yes, the older one got mad, and started preferring his daddy - mainly because daddy could usually get it right now. Let it go, be grateful for the help.

Do NOT let your child hit you. That is not ok, and it doesn't magically stop... once it starts, it is an arduous process to make it not ok.

Finally - especially if you're not nursing - see the doctor about a short term antidepressant.

S.

It sounds more like a discipline issue rather than a jelousy issue. I will tell you my daughter showed some of the same behavior and I decided I was her mother first and rather she liked me or not it was my responsibility to raise a well behaved child. It was extremely hard we went for a very long time ( close to 2 years) where our relationship wasnt what I had dreamed of and would cry myself to sleep thinking she would grow up disliking me. I stayed consistent and at about 4 years old something changed and she turned into the most sweet little girl. She is now 6 and I both cherish and love our beautiful relationship and she is trully a delight. I now know if I hadnt put that work in during those two years it would have not turned out like this. I would still be dealing with the power struggle and manipulations. I know it is difficult but your have to be stronger than he is. You are the boss and he is not always going to like you or what you request of him but he needs to learn to respect you and as long as you let him set the tempo you will be miserable and it will get worse. Good parenting is not always popular and far from easy. Sit with your husband and decide on a plan on how you choose to discipline his hitting you and dont let him manipulate you with your own guilt of having another child to care for. My son went through phases of being a daddys boy and i loved it even though it didnt include me it took some of the pressure of having to be everyones #1 all the time. We just dont allow them to be rude or disrespectful to the other for allowing them to help and if they were than the child did not get what they asked for period. I would say " that is my husband you are being rude to and that is not acceptable behavior" or he would say "that is my wife etc,etc." I hope some of this helps.

My youngest two are 17 months apart and I don't remember any problems w/ #3 afte #4 came. #3 wasn't my only son but he was considered "the baby". What I did do was have him "help mommy with the new baby brother". Maybe that kept him from feeling left out. I also purchased "special books" that he and I only read and they were my special gift to him. He still thinks of them as such and we still read them together.

I have had friends and family members who had the same problem as you are having so I guess it's fairly normal for an only child.

Try those ideas and don't lose hope. He still loves you, he's just too young to really know what he's feeling or express it.

Be encouraged.