hello. sorry ahead of time, this might be a bit long. My younger (adult) sister has moved in with us (me, my husband, and two young girls) She was living over seas with her husband (he's in the army in germany). the transition over here has become a bit diffucult for her it seems. she came back with little to no belongings (she is still waiting for her belongings to be shipped over) , and she had no car. the first week back was fine, she went out with us to do things, went shopping with us, watched my girls. the second week back it seemed like she was getting things sorted out, got a car, and a job. but then it seemed to go downhill. she said she quit her job because it was too far, and she stays in her room all day. she only comes out to use the restroom. She stays up at all hours, i assume to talk with her husband in germany. i believe she might be becoming or is deprressed. she doesn't talk, just snaps at us. Today, my husband told her it was time for dinner, she yelled that she ate yesterday and slammed the door in his face.
Currently, we aren't charging any rent (since she doesn't have a job). we were going to start charging when we thought she got a job. when she moved in we told her that we wanted her to cook dinner one day a week, and babysit when she is available to. both of which she has refused to do . we don't know what to do. we feel like we are being taken advantage of. any help is appreciated. thank you .
thanks for all the responses.
first, she is back at home because she was having some marital problems. she has only been married a year and half. He is also supposedly being deployed soon.
second, we haven't started charging rent. we thought if we did then she would have some responsibility for something.
third, i do empathize with her , i know things are hard and i'm trying to help. before she left (for germany)she was staying with my parents, and they say she acted the same way. allways staying in her room, not respecting others. I also don't plan to leave my girls with her alone untill she gets help/better. thank you again.
Must be a very hard time for her :(
What happens when YOU try to talk to her? Are you close, or were you close before?
Try to get her out of the house, for coffee or a lunch or a cocktail, just the two of you. Tell her you love her and you are sad to see her feeling so bad. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help.
Beyond that, I don't know...
I think her perspective is being lost.
She's 1/2 a world away from her husband - can't talk to him regularly, so she can only get snippets of a conversation at all hours of the day. She has to live with other people and depend on them for shelter. She doesn't have a job, and likely doesn't feel worthy. And she's missing all her sH$%.
I suggest being the bigger person and letting things slide for a few months.
Be supportive. Be understanding. Be the sister you'd depend on if you were stuck out of your home, away from your husband and totally knocked sideways.
Your sister has come home from being oversees with her hubby and you don't say why she is home and not there anymore.
My friend went to Germany with her hubby, he was a civilian teacher on base at the elementary school. For Christmas he got her and the kids plane tickets home and kicked them out. It took her months to be able to face the world. She had a home here in town that was rented out and as soon as the renters found a new place she was able to move back in her home and start trying to create a new life for herself. They slept on blow up mattresses and bought thrift store clothes, got food stamps, etc...she had no money, no family, nothing. She was barely able to put one foot in front of the other for some time.
It took her nearly a year to get her furniture and personal belongings shipped from Germany, all she brought with her was what she could pack in a suitcase. Your sister has been here 2 weeks and you have already made plans to charge her rent, have her cook, and have her babysit?
I think she should talk to the local military people and find out about housing. She would most likely be happier on her own and able to go about her business as she pleases. If that is not an option then something is going on that you don't know about. You might try and talk to the hubby if you know how. I would have no idea.
She most likely IS depressed. It's hard when your husband is overseas and you dont get to talk to them everyday. When my husband was in Afghanistan I didn't get to talk to him for weeks. It was extremely hard.
Give her a break, and try and talk to her. She probably just needs some extra support. See if she just needs a good talk and cry. And in awhile maybe talk to her about seeing a doctor.
But for now, just be kind and understanding. Let her know you are there for her. Put yourself in her shoes.
Hopefully she gets to feeling better soon and she can try and get things to normal again.
And I hope that they are reunited again soon too.
Don't deal with this on your own. She needs professional help you and your husband can't provide. She is isolating herself; not eating; dropped a job; doesn't sleep -- all classic signs of depression, and hers sounds like it is getting serious. This also will affect your own family; your children will pick up on this and wonder why Aunt is snapping at them, why she never leaves her room, etc. She could even be using drugs during all this isolated time, to ease the pain of her being away from her husband. (Sudden personality shifts are also classic signs of possible drug use.)
She needs to see a psychiatrist NOW, and one that specializes in treating military spouses would be a bonus. Find out how to get her help -- military spouse mamas out there, is there a mental health hotline that A. can call to find out where to start and how to get her sister help under military health insurance? If there isn't then call your local mental health center and explain what you need -- a referral to a psychiatrist.
Meanwhile, try to lure her out with outings that might appeal to her but be aware -- if she does agree to go, she may be unpleasant to be with and not social. Push through it and ignore snapping or comments she makes. It's not her talking; it's her depression and possibly her self-medication talking. But do not rely on your own self to give her real help; the outings are to distract her a bit but you must help her get to a doctor.
Gamma G., Hazel and Leigh all seem to have some very good input. The biggest questioned, not answered, is why is she here while her husband is still there? Is she in denial that her marriage is over? Is she here just until he comes back? If she had to move back here, with her sister and her sisters family and she sees no end in sight or no hope of going it alone, that could be very bad. I agree that she needs help. You need to try and find out if things are ok with her and her hubby. If they are not, try to get her to see where the positives may be on the road ahead. I wouldn't push the helping out with money and babysitting until you find out what is making her so sad/mad. Don't leave the kids alone with her until you figure it (whats really wrong) out and get her some help. Good luck and prayers to all of you.
is there any way for you to talk to her husband? is everything alright between them? i would try to talk to him and see if he sees/hears any thing different from her!!
First, do not leave your children with this woman....she is out of touch with reality.
Second, it is time for her to go....to another relative, hotel, or to the hospital to have a physc. evaluation...the expense of the medical eval will be covered by the military.
Don't put your family in danger.
You are right, she probably is depressed and you may not know the entire story. At any rate it is your home, you made a different choice which was to have your family, your children, your home. She may be depressed but that could partly be because of her choice and party something else. If you get a chance you might want to sit and ask her (I know it sounds like she isn't too receptive) but keep trying to prod something out of her. It is YOUR home. You did not create her situation. And she obviously has blinders on while she is depressed, but you need some stability again. In all fairness that needs to be communicated and she needs to communicate back.
My son was in the military for six years and it definitely affects the family. I am sure the wife in particular ( he was not married at the time but I do believe it still affects everyone in their own ways-he is married now but that is a different story). There is some reason why she moved back and it doesn't sound good, like perhaps he isn't following or something happened there. You need to know this. You can be sympathetic but if she is stepping all over you guys and your pleasant family well then sadly she needs to leave. Your family is important. So first try to find out what exactly happened. And then you can take it from there. Remember she herself is not in the military but she can be a 'casualty' anyway. It's tough. And believe me, I am not trying to take away from your pain, but she can be seriously suffering much like those who experience stress and anxiety that she could have picked up from him. We learned at the time my son was in the service that there are a lot of channels to seek help. If she won't do it, perhaps you can seek it out for her.
sounds like she's bummed out, misses her husband, her home, her stuff, but is acting childish about it.
OR, she is clinically depressed.
You need to give her some options and ultimatums.. enabling her to be lazy and not pull her share around your house is only going to build a wall and your relationship will suffer. She either snaps out of her funk or moves out. She'll thank you later for making her pull herself up by the bootstraps.
I really like what Grandma T said: empathize first, then make clear boundaries. Clinical depression is terrible, and perhaps she could find a place which offers a sliding scale fee for counseling.
That said, I think it's also important to revisit her previous agreement with you. She needs to understand that while she is experiencing some very real, sad feelings, she is also having an affect on your household. Let her know that you know she's not usually like this, that you are concerned for her, and that you'd like to help her-- and that you need to keep your own household running smoothly.
She's going to have to figure out on her own that she doesn't want to be depressed and that she needs to get her feet under her. (I don't say this heartlessly--I've actually been there. No one can do it for you.) Only she can choose when she'll turn things around. What a hard situation-- I truly hope things work out. Giving her some time of love and understanding is important, and helping her move forward, if she's willing, would be great. A professional would be really helpful for you, so if she's going to a counselor, it might be good (if she's willing) to attend a session so that you can find out how you can best help her too.
That's rude to slam the door in your husband's face. It is also inappropriate for you to dictate that she watch your kid and cook once a week. She is there and the only agreement you should have is that she tells you when she plans to get back on her feet. Stick to that agreement and find ways to help her reach her goal if that's what needs to happen.
She might be depressed, so find some time to talk with her and see what else is going on. She seem to have a lot going on. Don't add to it but at the same time, hold your ground in regards to respect for your house. You did take her in, and she should appreciate that.
Call a psychiatrist (sp?), see if someone could go to your hour and professionally talk to her. Don't charge her rent, that would add more stress. And just try to be there for support, she is your little sister after all. Watch "Hope and Faith", maybe that could give you some ideas. And think of things that you remember that she liked to do to do with her, make her very favourite foods, and try to spend more time with her just the two of you, Be Sisters, be silly, do fun stuff that you two used to do together when you were younger...
hope this helps
I think i sounds as if she as always depressed if she was like this at your parents and I'm not sure from the info given if she is in a healthy relationship. Maybe talk to her and ask if shes feeling depressed. Offer help but don't J. let her coast by and be a shut in.
I'd talk to her and reuqest she join therapy or get a job in x amt of time and then also reqest she pays rent after x amt of time. Shes not a kid or your kid. Maybe tell her you miss your relationship. Can you have some one on one girl / sister time to bond and then maybe talk? Treat her like your sister and friend and then talk about her feelings.
