D.B.
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Charlotte
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Hi. I posted a previous question about this, but must have typed my password wrong because I could not log in. I sure appreciate any helpful advice on how to handle this. I would love for her to ignore me and I ignore her. I will not allow her to supervise me unchallenged especially when I am doing what the teacher told me to do. She really seems to have an issue with me. I would love to hear any ideas how to deal with her in a manner that does not cause drama, but lets her know she is not going to bully me. I am a little embarrassed that the teacher had to intervene today, though I am glad she did.
There is a mom at my daughter's school who I first met at the playground two years ago when she called her son over to find out who that girl he was playing with was and how he knew her. He said my daughter was in his class at school and he did not know her parents. He wanted to go play. She asked more about my daughter and he said she is quiet and shy and that is all he knows. His mom let him go play and I then introduced myself as her mother and gave my name. The mom did not want to talk and left about five minutes later. No biggie.
I then ended up sitting beside her during a field trip. When she realized the only available seat was by me, she asked the worker if there were any other seats and he showed her to my table so she sat down. Again, I was friendly and reintroduced myself. She ended up deciding not to eat and stood up, against the wall. The manager came over and asked her if there was a problem with her meal. She said no it was fine. He offered to make her something else. She finally sat down by me where her meal was waiting.
To be honest, I don't think I have ever met her anywhere else and there is no reason for her to treat me rudely that I know of. Somehow I have the confidence to shake it off and still smile. I said hello in passing and she simply looked away even though she had been staring at me. She also came over to talk to the other moms I was talking to several times and made it a point to ignore me.
Fast forward to two years later when our kids are in the same class again. The teacher noticed when we both helped that she and I did not speak. The woman talked to every adult helper but me. I ignored her and planned on just doing what I was there to do.
Today we did a field trip. Another mom decided to introduce me to her and another mom who never speak to me. She was trying to help.
The lady goes "My name is Suzanne and I know who you are." Then she walked off to talk to a dad she had ignored for an hour, even when he said hello to her by name. The other moms and I talked a bit. She stayed away until I went to my station to help, then she came back talking.
I kept focused on what I was doing. She could not see me or my station. She told some kids I had told her wrong and she came off her station to tell me that I was doing my station wrong. I explained to her what I was doing and she got loud saying "That's not what I heard them say to do." The teacher heard her talking loudly and came to see what the trouble was. She did not see her and kept arguing. I said "Fine, let's ask the teacher." The teacher explained to her I was doing my station right and how it worked. The lady then said she was not saying that(though we both heard her). The teacher walked her back to her station.
I feel angry and fed up. I have the boldness to tell her off, though I know she will tell everyone and make me look nuts. She acts nice to everyone else.
She is one of those Queen Bee Wannabees. I was fine with not being friendly with her or not speaking because she seems mean and rude. I do know another woman she talks to only if no one else was around, but never at the PTO or in front of other moms. That mom complained to me about it this year because the woman came over to talk to some new women we were greeting. She talked only to those two and ignored us and the other mom was mad. I have never asked her if I offended her because frankly I can't imagine how I could have and nothing excuses her rude behavior, but I just might try it when no one else is around. If she attacks me, I am going to feel badly because whatever lies she says I will then know she is telling others. It will make me feel very shy and selfconscience, but maybe that is what I need to do. I am proud that I am managing to keep my attitude up. I really am surprised at me because I have had some personal rejection and sometimes my confidence is low*until I get mad.LOL)
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I am direct.
"Excuse me Suzanne? Is there an issue that you are having with me? I noticed that every time you and I have to work together that you are overly critical and ignore me. While I certainly don't want to be BFF's I would like to know what the issue is. And, if there is no issue than I expect more respect from you then I am getting." Then, let her anwer.
I did this once at work. I don't know what the guys problem was but he was always glaring at me and BLATENTLY rude, ignored me, would walk away when we spoke...bleh...I hated working with him. (I worked for a soup production company, he was USDA, so I had to put up with him). I finally wen tup to him and said almost the exact same thing I typed. He looked at me funny, and said there wasn't an issue, and after that he was SO MUCH NICER. I know that women function quite differently than men, but I got along GREAT with this guy after that. Sometimes I think women are snarky b!tches and like to see if they still have the "power" to make someone feel lower than they are. Maybe she is one of those women, and maybe you need to let her know that her attitude with you is not okay. (I know, we are not in 4th grade anymore, but some grown women still act like it!).
Call her on it, see if that helps!
L.
All this time, and you have never just asked her "Hey did I do something to offend you or have we had a misunderstanding--because I don't feel like you have ever warmed to me and I notice you avoid me at times?" You can say that nicely and no need to "tell her off" Maybe there has been a misunderstanding, maybe you are misreading her, maybe she just never matured past highschool--who knows! You'll never know until you ask--you have alot of patience, I would have asked her a long time ago if there was a problem, lol Just ask and then whatever the response--move on. Maybe you'll fix things and end up friends, maybe not, but at least you'll know the score.
She has issues, and you have no way to find out what they are unless you ask. Even then she may not tell you. It's okay, as hard as that is to believe. You can't control how other people think.
It's great that you are self-confident enough to hold firm in what you know is right. I'll bet you're an important role-model for the kids who are most likely noticing the strange tensions between you. Show 'em how to keep on smiling and being courteous, without necessarily expecting the same in return. Sometimes, that's just how life is.
If you're willing to do a little further exploration in how to communicate with difficult people, here's a great resource: Non-Violent Communication. It's a process that teaches a few specific steps that can be extremely helpful in establishing sane dialog, and can actually result in a complete change in attitude. Google this term for more information. My husband and I have both learned the process, and find it amazingly transformative.
Good luck – you sound like you're doing the right things. I hope you'll keep it up.
I have to agree with Allison H. I would straight ask her what her problem is. If she doesn't want to respond, or her reasons are lame (which they probably will be) I would tell her in a firm tone (either away from the kids or in a low voice), look her right in the eye (thats important)....."If you feel the need to ignore me, fine, but you need to do it 100% of the time. You WILL NOT approach me again, nor will you EVER tell me what to do.... end of story."
I'd ignore her, unless she confronts you again. Then, if she does, calmly ask if you did something to offend her, because she seems to have some kind of problem with you. Whatever you say to how she responds (if she does) make sure you stay calm and civil - be the bigger woman and DO NOT stoop to her childish level.
Ignore her, but if she continues, then calmly reply, "I don't understand why you have so much anger towards me all the time. You need to back off and leave me alone if you can't be nice." and then turn around and continue ignoring her and do your job. You should probably tell the teacher this woman's history. There are some crazy toxic people out there, messing with them can be dangerous.
I would straigh out say WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? and say get over it.. or stay away from me.. Tell her if she doesn't like you fine.. but don't be so rude and childish... so immature.. Tell her we can work together because of our kids.. but don't dare tell me if I am doing something wrong.. it's none of your business.. Tell her just stay away.. ... and all will be better.. tell her you have lots of friends.. and it's her loss not yours... good luck..
Hmmmm...perhaps she is intimidated by a capable, interested mom?
Karma IS a bit*h and it will come back to get her.
I think I'd just have to say "something" to her---you know kind of make her realize how sophomoric she's being? Like "I'll do my "job", you do yours, OK?" or "Oh--are you in charge here? I didn't realize there was someone "in charge", I thought we were here to help the kids."
And she doesn't sound like she acts nice to everyone else....
She sounds bizarre and it's a tough one. I would ignore her and see if there's anything direct from her again. I think it's tough to confront someone one why they're not friendly to you. It's easy for them to make you sound foolish or needy etc. Moms don't all have to be friends or friendly. But if she starts criticizing you or something more direct, I would say something like Laura U suggested. She put it well. And I'd try to be very calm and nice and perplexed rather than showing any anger. Do your best to make her feel as small and stupid as she is.
Good for you for taking the high road. Maybe one day you can pull her aside and say " I can't help but notice that you do not care to be around or speak to me and that is fine; however, it is apparent that we are going to keep bumping into each other so it would be nice if we could at least be civil to one another. If I did something to offend you, I am sorry but I have no idea what it is. Would you mind telling me?"
You may want to talk to the teacher and see if you can volunteer at different events or in different areas so you don't interact too much.
My first thoughts when reading your post is that maybe your daughter reminds her of someone (could she have given a child up for adoption or lost one to tragedy and sees that child in your daughter?). Maybe your daughter resembles an ex and she thinks she is his daughter and therefore you are the person who took her place (even if your husband didn't date her)? Did you go to school w/ her and she can't get past a high school rivalry?
It won't do you any good to confront her & it might come back to bite you anyway. My suggestion would be to say to her "I have no idea why you dislike me but it would be easier & more professional if we simply stayed away & completely ignored each other."
I think if you confronted her about what her problem is with you she will lie or blow it out of proportion & try to get anyone and everyone on 'her' side.
The teacher noticed what was going on so let her handle Queen B.
I would not confront her alone. Next time she's around, have at least one witness, but ask her 'What is your problem???'
Its possible that she's mistaking you for someone else, or she knows an ex of your's or your with her ex.... it could be anything. Just be prepared for her answer.
I deal with these type of women all the time. I am not sure to handle it. Its their problem..but I am still racking my brain trying to figure out if I offended them in some way.
Oh well.
If you feel this way about her chances are that others do as well. But even if they don't, telling her off is a risk that you have to take. Nex ttime you see her say forcefully- "can I talk to you for a minute? No matter her answer then say you seem to have a problem with me. I have tried but cannot come up with what I might have done to offend you so would you mind telling me? And defend yourself vigorously against whatever she may say. She needs to know that you will not take that kind of treatment. Do not let her scare you or make you back down-that is what she wants.
:0-) Take the high road.
