Power Struggle for Father's Day

Your Dad's GF is not 'pulling apart a father/child relationship'. You are.

His needing female companionship does not discount your mother's place in his life, and yours.

He deserves to be loved by a woman. He deserves to bring her into his family if he so wishes.

I'm sorry, I know it is very difficult for you to get past the feeling that your mother is being replaced, but that is just not the case.

I hope you and your sibling(s) will eventually adapt the attitude any friend of Dad's is a friend of yours. It does not make you (or him) unfaithful to your mother.

Im sorry for this huge loss, I hope you will keep your other parent close to you, especially now. He needs support, same as you.

:)

I think everyone else's post is right on the money, so I'm going to take a different approach...

You say you can't imagine your mom doing this to anyone. Reflect on that statement. If your mom invited someone over and they called and said, "May I bring a special friend?" do you honestly think your mom would've said no, despite her personal feelings about this relationship? My guess is that she would've plastered a smile on her face and showed her hospitality to be the finest around.

Perhaps you're confused because you've said one thing ("I'm glad he has companionship; it's important") but your actions say something different ("I would prefer our relationship to be just about us"). If this is confusing to you, imagine how confusing--and hurtful--it is to your dad and his girlfriend! I think I'd say "just shut up," too. It's hard to talk when such illogical positions are at the core of the conversation.

The future of your relationship with your dad lies with you. Dad has a girlfriend and she's not likely to be going away anytime soon. You can either apologize and practice being the loving person your mother was or you can cling to your confusion. The only person pulling the two of you apart is you.

And--just as an aside--all my step-moms have been the most wonderful people, for both me and my dad. Maybe, just maybe, dad's girlfriend is a woman worth knowing.

wow, seriously? Father's Day is all about DAD, not about you!

His day, his choice!

As for the dynamics flowing in your family: please embrace your father as an adult, as a man trying to stand on his own...making his own life choices. He & his GF have been together for some time now, & of course he wants her with him. This is his choice for happiness.....& I would hope that you had the heart enough to allow him to find love again.

For you to force a split of his affections, a division of his life, only creates stress & disharmony. Why would you want this for your Father? Peace.

I know this must be a very painful situation to you; I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I've heard that people who remarry (become inseparable with someone) quickly after the loss of a spouse, do so because they had a great relationship with their spouse and they want to have that again.

I think the best thing you can do for your dad is to accept that this is who he wants to spend his time with, and that he loves this woman. The more you make it into a choice between "her or us," the more he's going to pull away from you and be with her. You have your own family, he's alone. He wants to have that closeness too. Try to be understanding of that, though I know it's extremely difficult.

Hugs!!!

I think you hurt your dads feelings. He asked if he could bring his friend and you refused. Don't make your dad feel miserable or guilty for dating. I'm sure you havent left a very good impression on his girlfriend. I think you should rethink this and let your dad be happy, he's much older than you are and is lucky he has found love a second time.

I'm with Theresa N on this one... it was Father's Day and you should have asked him what he wanted to do and honored that request. He gave you the courtesy of asking if she could join you and response was "no"?

My guess is that he was really hurt by your rejection of his friend and that HE didn't want to hang-out with you that day, so she made arrangements to do something that he WOULD enjoy. Honestly, I wouldn't have wanted to be with you either if you couldn't be welcoming and gracious (like your mother).

He's your father, but he's also an independent person. He has found someone to spend time with and he enjoys her. You need to either accept his relationship and start spending time together as a family or don't, but be prepared to have minimal interaction with your father if that's your choice.

I agree with some of the others....Father's Day is for your dad not you. He wanted to include his girlfriend in his day and you should have honored that. You owe him and her an apology.

There's another way to look at this. Why would a daughter put her father in the position to have to *choose* between his daughter and another woman?
Would it have really killed you to have her over WITH your dad?
I know you miss your mom. Most likely, this woman doesn't want to try to fill the place of your mom. Time for an adult woman-woman relationship with the woman your dad has in his life. Put on your big girl panties and call & apologize to her. He shouldn't have to choose. And you don't have to choose either. He's also a man, not just your dad. I think your dad made a pretty bold statement by "going along with" her plans for the day, don't you? You're a parent--can you imagine how hurt you'd have to be to NOT see your child(ren) on Mother's Day? That couldn't have been easy for him. Your family has experienced great loss--time to pull together and support each other!

My mom passed away in January. My dad met the woman he is in a relationship with three weeks later. This has been really hard on my brother and I yet we spent father's day with the both of them. Father's day is not about being a brat and throwing in your father's face your feelings, ya know?

What you did was rude, you put your dad in a choose between us decision. I am sure at some level you had to know that. I would never put someone in that position and if I am put in that position I will always! choose the person who didn't make me choose.

I am sure you don't want to hear this but I agree with your father's decision.

You say your mom wouldn't do this to anyone? What do you think she would have done if you told your dad you don't want her to be a part of father's day?

Your dad should have been able to do what he wanted. It was Father's Day. Life is for the living. Apparently she makes him happy. Men hate to be alone. If you're glad he has her and you think she's nice, include her. It would have been the nice thing to do for him on Father's Day. How would that have hurt to include her? She obviously doesn't have a father alive anymore and your dad didn't want her to be alone probably. He sounds like a nice man. You owe him an apology.

I'm with theresa, your mom is not being replaced and i'm sure the girlfriend will tell you that also. They have been together for a while now and spend most of their tome together. By not allowing her to participate in a family get together you are telling him that you don't value a significant part of his life! Take a momemt and try to think about it in his shoes. He is moving on, I'm sure your mom would want him to be happy. Try to move on too.

Please do not ruin your relationship with your father over this. About 10 years ago my uncle passed away VERY suddenly--mid conversation with his wife. My aunt remarried a lifelong friend about 2 years later, and my cousin has never been able to accept him into her life. It is so sad, as my cousin had been very close with her mother unti that point. They now rarely see one another and when they do, at large family gatherings, my cousin makes cutting remarks about the guy (a really nice guy who is battling cancer.)

Don't you think your mother would have wanted your dad to be happy and for you to all remain close, regardless of the status of his romantic life? I don't see the harm in including her at this point--you will have to at some point, and if you keep waiting, you might lose your chance.

HI J,

It sounds to me like you are still grieving your mother's death, not trying to create a fracas.

Would you be open to seeking counseling or a grief support group to help you move on? Your father *needs* companionship; it's just come too soon for you, but I have the feeling this new lady in his life won't be going away anytime soon.

You are right, she's not your mom. That said, I think there's more here than either one of you digging your heels in. You've got a heart-wound with your mother's passing, and I think you need to address this first. The rest will come in time. Just understand that your father is a little further down that path of 'moving on' because he has to be. If you can see that you are not in the same place-- and that it's really okay-- and can talk to him from a more vulnerable (less 'making my boundaries') place, he'll likely be more open to respecting your feelings too.

Send hiim a card and let him know that this isn't about him, or his new girlfriend-- this is about you, still hurting and grieving. I don't think there's much he can do to make you feel good, but putting an olive branch out there can't hurt. He'll realize that you aren't just making a stink, but are still a little too raw and heartsick. You will have to come to a place where the three of you can have a short lunch or some other small, contained outing, because he needs this from you. He lost his wife-- he doesn't want to lose his daughter. So please, get some support for working through your loss. When I read your post, that was what it sounded like to me.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss and for the challenges this new season is bringing your family. It has always baffled me that even after having been married a long time, they could re-marry (or date) right away. It just seems to fly in the face of our womanly logic: how could you just move right on if your wife meant so much to you??

My dad, who is a counselor, explained that for men it simply isn't that....well...simple. As men are MUCH more able to compartmentalize their feelings, they can separate the love they had for their wife with the appreciation for a new companion. He also said that, typically, the longer men were married before, the faster they marry after their partners pass because they are so accustomed to having someone to care for them - they don't do well alone.

I know that wasn't your question, but I wanted you to see that your father isn't particularly insensitive - this is typical.

As for her, I would think that someone who truly cared for him would never attempt to put his family members at odds with each other. She should understand that this is difficult and be willing to take things slowly and carefully - out of respect for his family. I do think she was insensitive to not defer to your plans for your father and give you all some space on Father's Day. You can't change her, though and what's done is done.

Moving forward, I would suggest to just be as open and honest with your dad as possible, but in a non-accusing, non-confrontational way. If he is like most men, you won't get far that way. Acknowledge HIS feelings in this as well as your own: that you understand how hard it must be for him and you are happy if he is happy, but you're still struggling and - honestly - it wouldn't matter who the new person was. Your feelings are not necessarily about her personally, just the fact that she is a replacement and that's hard. It takes time, so just ask him to be patient with you while you try to work through this - and for his sake, you MUST follow through and try if you want to preserve your relationship.

good luck to you...

ugg, My dad has basically chosen his new wife ( ha they have been married almost 10 yrs) over me. It sucks, but you were upfront with him and told him you were ok with their relationship but needed time with him without her, and he still allowed her to manipulate the situation.

I would let it blow over and then try casually calling him a few times, that way you can talk directly to him and not have to deal with her. Think about what situations you can handle this chickie in. Like i can do dinner with my dad and his tart, but not at their house, It's easier at a resturant where we can leave at the end of dinner.

You know i might even have given the woman a small point if it had been christmas or easter But Father's Day is Father's Day, that shoulnd have been for your family and NOT her.

Like many other posters, I've seen fathers of close friends remarry rather quickly after their mom's passing. It is very difficult, but keep in mind this woman may become your family. At 20 months out from her mother's passing, one friend's dad was not only remarried, but already realizing he'd married the wrong person and soon divorced her and remarried again!

Wife #3 turned out to be a better match and her dad really embraced the new wife's kids and grand kids and she did his. Five years into this very happy marriage (which sometimes was REALLY hard for my friend to deal with, but she always included everyone as family at all events, no matter how difficult) her dad died suddenly. The only remaining grandparent for her kids is Wife #3.

We just attended the High School graduation of my friend's youngest child. Wife #3 was there to graciously and lovingly fill the grandma role in the celebration. She's a really lovely person and the fact that my friend stayed open and respectful of her dad's choices, her kids still have a grandmother.

It could be worse. My FIL changed his Facebook status to single the day after my MIL's memorial service and signed up for a dating service at 89, after 64 years of marriage!

Sorry sweetie, I think you were wrong on this one. My experience is this. My mother in law lost her mom about three years ago. About a year and a half afterwards her dad started playing golf with another woman. Well MIL sister found out about it and wigged. MIL sister was SUPER close to their mom. When the sister found out my MIL was ok with it she stopped talking to her. Her words were, " I (emphasis on I) am not ready for this" and that was that. Well sorry, your dad shouldn't put his life on hold until YOU are ready for it. That's not fair to him. He is more that your dad, he is a person with his own feelings and needs. You said yourself she was a nice person, so you should consider yourself lucky. How do you know that it wasn't HIS idea to do something else? Or really that it was HIM that it didn't fly with? My point is the more you villify this woman the worse you are making the situation. I know I am sounding harsh, but my husbands aunt caused all sorts of problems when she took the stance you are now. I really don't want to see anyone else go through that.

I am so sorry :-(

He is your father, not his GF's father. Your mother hasn't even been gone for 2 years. I can understand not wanting to share such an important day with someone you don't really know. Now, his birthday or Christmas, and I think that would be a different story. IMO, the fact that neither of them could understand something so basic is unfortunate.

Honestly, it sounds like he's putting all his energy into his woman, so he can avoid dealing with his feelings about your mother's death. She is clearly his priority now, and I agree that there is no power struggle, because it appears that she has 100% power over him.

I am not sure what type of person you are - if you are easy to forgive or if you pull back when you've been hurt. I think you are completely justified in being hurt & if it were me, I'd put some space between us and let him come to me when he wants to act like a normal, loving father.

Again, I am so sorry you are being treated this way.

I feel for you. The reality is, thier is no power struggle. She won. She has all the power. Your dad must desperately need her in order to deal with losing your mom. She makes it bearable. She is his drug of choice to cope with this loss. He is completley addicted. He behaved as though you were trying to deprive him of his "fix" Knowing that this is your current reality, you have choices to make. Do you - write him off? Do you - invite her in? If you want to have a relationship with your dad, it's pretty clear you will have to make nice with this gutter snipe of a woman. It's despicable that she didn't make an excuse to be too busy on Fathers Day and insist he spend it with you. But, even so, she holds all the cards. Your best best for a relationship with him, is to call her and have a woman to woman conversation. Get used to running all plans past her. Including her in your intinerary. It sucks. But if dad needs this broad and you need dad, I dont see another choice.