Preggo with Baby #2 and Having Mixed Feelings

H.,
I have 4 children 2 marriages first two girls 21,18, second marriage 9yr boy and 7yr girl. The best thing about it is they have a play mate and you are no longer the entertainment commity. Let her help a whole bunch and try not to lose temper when she does something wrong around the baby. Hard, I know, but let them think they are the best helpers ever and you couldn't do it without her. You will love them both like crazy and it will fall into place easier than you can imagine. Tell her she will have to teach this baby everything she knows and you really need her help. She will love it. Good luck!
J.

Hi H.,

I only have one daughter, so I can't tell you from personal experience, but I think every mother goes through this with her 2nd child. At least, all my friends have. But, you know, there are LOTS of people in the world who were the only child for a while, and then suddenly they have a little brother or sister to love (and pick on). It will work out. Just hang in there!

D.

I always thought that I could only love one child as much as i love my 8 yo. He was perfect! smooth 2 hr first time delivery, walked by 10 months, potty trained b4 2. I didnt have a need for another. Than he came anyways 17 mos ago and not so smooth, but he too is perfect and i really do have enough love for 2.(no more :). It was with the help of the first one who change my mind. as soon as i told him he was in love with the idea of being the big brother. We got him a book that he could fill out about him and his new baby. We at first thought the baby was alittle girl so he learned how to french braid my hair so he could do hers. that was dissapointing to us at firstb ut now they are so fun together even with the many years apart. He grew up fast in the last year and half, behavoir ways and now acts close to his age. I guess i am saying include her in what you do so. Make her have some jobs.

Just relax- You are not the only one who felt that way. My oldest two are only 21 months apart and I was so scared. I was afarid I wouldn't love my 2nd child as much as the first. My Son(#1) is a very strong willed child and also very demanding. When My daughter was born- We almost ignored her because she was such a good baby- we were so worried about my son adapting that we spent all the time we could with him. Now things are fine. Include your daughter in anything you can- ask her to get you a diaper or wipes. Let her help feed the baby if you can- just any small thing like that will make her feel a part of the process. Let her listen to the babys heartbeat. We even took my son to one doctors appointment so her could hear the heartbeat. Just let her be a little helper and prasie her every time she is. This will help her as much as you. You can even let her pick out a special toy for the baby-even if she picks a pair of socks, let it be HER present. Good luck- you will do great as long as you are letting her be involved!!

These feelings of fear are very common in early preganancy. I had them with all three of my kids. I even had terrible nighmares of all the bad things that I thought might happen. The good news is, it usually gives way to excitement and happy anticipation later on.
Things will work out fine when that baby gets here. You will learn to just take one day at a time. Before you know it, you will wonder why you ever worried.

You can begin to help your daughter's reaction to the newcomer even now. Start getting her involved. Let her help pick out things for the new baby's room, or corner of her room, if that is where Baby will sleep. Let her help as you wash and fold the clothes you are preparing for the baby, and talk about the new baby as you do so. Even tell her that eventually the baby will be big enough to play with her, and how fun will that be !! Buy children's books to read to her that have to do with getting a new brother or sister. Some that quickly come to mind are the Bearenstein Bears, or Little Critter books. Get her a baby doll (just her size) that will be played with gently, as if it is a real baby. Help her to give it a bottle, burp it, change it's diaper, cuddle it ..... all the things you will be doing with her new sibling.
These things help her to form the opinion that a new sibling is a wonderful, happy thing, and not an enemy that has come to steal her Mommy from her.

Also, these next few months are a good time to help her gain success in areas like potty training, giving up pacifiers/bottles, or anything else you can think of that will give her a sense of accomplishment. She is probably going to regress in these areas a bit after the new one gets here, but with gentle patience and plenty of attention, she will gain back all lost ground quickly.

When Baby gets here, allow your daughter to fetch diapers for you. Help her to hold her new sibling on her lap as she sits on the sofa, talk to her about what good friends you expect the two of them will be, let her help pick out Baby's outfit for the day, etc. You will have as much fun including her in baby care as she will !

I wish you all the best !

Congratulations! The best gift you can give your daughter is a sibling! First of all, it helps with life lessons; waiting your turn, tolorance, sharing, and most important - friendship. I prepared my first son for his coming brother. When we painted the baby room, we left a 12" square unpainted and took pictures of him "painting the baby room"! He really enjoyed that. Get her involved in the preparation. We also shopped for a gift for the baby from him. When they first met in the hospital and when he gave the baby his gift, The Baby Gave Him One Too! And that's when it all started. They are now 7 and 9 and are best friends! They even write stories in school about how their brother is their best friend. When they win a prize at school, they will pick two candies so they can take one home for their brother. I also encouraged their relationship because they will need each other in their teenage years.

I'm so excited for you! Your high maintenance child will have a friend to play with and therefore not hang on you all the time. It will be a little hard at first when you are trying to feed the newborn (I nursed) and all of a sudden the older one needs a refill on their cup, but I made them wait until I was finished feeding the baby, no matter what the drama was. But they all need to learn to wait.

As far as resentment, I think "it's all in the delivery". It's all in how you present the new sibling to her. Talk about much fun they will have together. If you find out what you are having, you can say the baby's name and talk about how your daughter can help you with the baby. Be excited every time you talk about the baby to her and the excitement will be contagious.

My third child was suppose to be my last especially after having two boys, I finally got my daughter!!! But after I had her, I HAD to give her a playmate too! So I had a forth, another boy. They are in the high maintenance stage right now (1 yr & 3 yr) but in about a year, they will be such buddies. It's great having them close together to play together but it's a little hard at first, like when they are both crying at the same time, but it only lasts for a year or two then it's really easy! Easier then having one child because they occupy each other. My boys are now in bunk beds and I will have them share a room as long as I can because sharing teaches a lot. Most American kids these days don't know how to share because everyone has just two kids so each child gets their own room. Even when we were down to just two kids, they still shared a room and the other room was a playroom.

Sorry to go on and on but this is the best thing for your daughter! Congratulations and Good Luck!
C.

I second what Karen said. My first two are 17 1/2 months apart. I also thought it would take longer to get pregnant and it didn't.

My first 6 months were rough, but now my oldest two girls are close (10 and 8 1/2) although they fight, too. A friend told me (when I was upset at the feeling that my 2nd wasn't getting quite the same perks as the first) that each child is born into a different family. Still just as loving, but a different family because the dynamics are different. That made it easier for me to accept that sometimes the baby had to wait and sometimes the older child had to wait.

You'll be so lucky that in no time they'll be interested in the same things (even if your second is a boy) and they'll be close. You can handle it, you just do whatever works. I have four kids now and I sometimes have to take it day by day. Don't expect the laundry and dishes to get done, and don't expect the house to be orderly. Just love those babies, you are lucky.

H.,
Do not fret so much. I had the exact same feelings when I was recently pregnant. I was scared about everything. I mean I have a 10 year old at home I thought I was done. She is in therepy I kept thinking thisis great here is another life for me to screw up. But then I stopped and thought about how I could prepare to make things easier. I started stocking diapers. I went on craigs list and bought things cheap and bought them 1 thing at time. With each paycheck I gave myself a 50 dollar limit to purchase baby stuff. I signed up on all the websites Similac Enfamil babies r us and target baby and baby depot. Once u sign up they start sending coupons. And then I realized that even though my family has issues we all love each other and things will work out. My daughter may scream I hate you and your mean, I know she does not mean it and will come and sit in my lap and give me loving kisses later. Some advice for your 2 year old. We use a counting system. 3 strikes and it is a time out. eventually she gets tired of time outs. But you also have to remember she is 2 and they say terrible 2's for a reason. These children at 2 are testing your boundries and just learning about emotions. Be patient, Be consistant, Be Loving. And don't be afraid to ask for help from family members!! Also if you are having your baby in St. John's they have an older Sibs class my 10 year old took and it really helped her out alot. When it was time for baby shower gifts some people made sure she recieved a little something as well. Include her in every way. tell her how great being a big sister will be, ask her to be your "Little Helper". I could go on and on. If you would like to talk email me. ____@____.com

I remember feeling like there is no way I could love another child as much as the first. It just felt like being a parent took everything out of me. Everything was so new and so important and I always had so many questions. But I too had a strong willed and somewhat unhappy child for my first. She was really pretty healthy. I know that now. But I made such a fuss over all her illnesses. She also was a breath holder and passed out when she became upset! It was scary. She had a couple of scary infections too. So I had a misconception that all children were like her.

My next 3 babies were a snap. My oldest daughter settled down after the birth of her sister. It was a major blessing in her life to not be the only one. First of all she really loved her sister. She wasn't afraid to sleep in her room anymore. She watched over here and helped with her. She had someone to play with and they were 2 years and 4 months apart. So the timing will be about the same for you. Today they are 21 and 23 years old and very close sisters even though 1800 miles separates them.

You'll do so much better than you could ever know.

Suzi

It's natural to have concerns and be scared. My two boys were only 17 months apart. But everything worked out fine. The first few months were really exhausting having a newborn and a 1 1/2 year old but you get through it. And it is great now having the two so close in age. My oldest was great with the new baby...we didn't have any resentment or anything. Although now at ages 3 and 4 we are having issues with rivalry.

H. -

I know exactly how you are feeling!! We had to use fertility treatments to get pregnant. My daughter was not quite 18 months old when we tried for the last time to get pregnant again (running out of money for fertility meds) - the first pregnancy test I took was negative and I cried! Not only for me, but because I didn't want my daughter to be an only child. I have 3 sibs & wanted her to grow up with a brother or sister that would be a forever friend. Two days later I took another test and it was POSITIVE! I cried AGAIN - now my daughter was going to have to "share" mommy & daddy with someone else. It took a while for it to set in, but it did. My children are now 6 & 4 (it was a brother!) I could not be more happy. Don't get me wrong - they fight, but they also love each other. I already see a wonderful friendship growing between them. As for the "sharing" part - we had our moments, and still do, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world!! Don't feel guilty - I think what you are experiencing is totally normal!!
A.

be nice to your self. I was in your shoes 6 weeks ago and it was exhausting but i made it throught it. I had a 13 month old,14month old,4year old, 5 year old and 7 year old. I was very tired by the end of the day from my 6 month on my doctor told me to nap when the kids are napping and let me tell you this was a big help. don't worry so much it will make you have that baby before you want to. I just had my third biological child and my 13 month old and 14 1/2 month old I thought would not like my new baby but in all reality they both loved her and cherish her. i made sure that all my kids were very involved in my pregnancy and got to ask questions. i took them to sibling classes to learn how to help out with the baby and they absolutly loved this. we also started really preparing them for the new babies arrival with having them help decorate nursery, pick out things for it, and clothes for the baby. I will say I was very scared about bring another baby into the mix because of the two littlest toddlers but they both love it and have been ok with it since day one. if you need more tips or suggestion fill free to email me I have lots of resources and suggestions. mother of three biological children and three foster to adopt.

Hey H.~
No, you're not over-reacting. A lot of women go through feelings like this. You have support at home, your husband. Yes things might be tougher when the new kiddo arrives, but reassure her that she is still your little girl and that you will always love her. When my little brother was born I was about 3 turning 4. My mom bought me a little baby doll so I wouldn't feel left out. The baby doll came along a little diaper bag, baby diapers, bottles, all the baby stuff. My mom told me that I can take care of my little baby, just like she takes care of my baby brother. Appartently one day, my mom looked over at me and I had the baby up my shirt. My mom asked what I was doing and I smiled and said, "I'm feeding her, just like you're doing". It might help her to not be as demanding. Tell her to take care of it like you do her. It'll be fun. I'll be praying for you.

Chris M hit it on the nose! Worrying is normal, but don't over do it! Your daughter will be fine. I'd suggest looking at some books, talk to the pediatrician, etc. about her behavior. Instead of worrying, spend some time trying to correct some behavior now so when the new baby comes she is in more control of things. You can't "fix" it all, but you can focus on changes. God help us if all our first born resented us for the second child. It will probably help her in the long run. Good luck, and enjoy your pregnancy! Get your daughter involved in it too.

Dear H.,

I know exactly how you feel right now. I have a 2 1/2 year old and a 7 month old. When I found out I was pregnant with my second, I cried. It was a surprise. I felt guilty also and had no idea how to love another child. However, as soon as the baby was born, my love doubled somehow and I love both of them as much.

The book, I'm A Big Sister by Joanna Cole, is great. We read it (the boys version) to our 2 year old often. I think it really help them.

Our toddler is going through this terrible two stage right now so things are even tougher for us. But it'll get easier. They'll turn out to be best friends, at least that's what everyone is saying! Stay happy. It's good for you and the babies.

Good luck!

W.

I read this and it made me cry. I am in the exact same position. I have a 17 month old and will have baby number 2 when my daughter is barely 2. I'm so scared and anxious about it and about feeling like I am taking something away from my daughter. But, when I was rational minded, I wanted to have another child at some point because I wanted to give a sibling to my daughter. I have to remind myself of this. The others comments (and yours) have been helpful to know that I am not alone!

I think most women feel the same way. I am now a "seasoned vet" with 4 girls ages 12, 7, 4 and 2 months. With each one you wonder how can you love another child as much as you love the baby you have....but you do. You feel the same joy with each one. I think the second baby will be good for your daughter, she will be able to help, even if its getting mommy a diaper or being a smiling face to help entertain a toddler later on. There are lots of ways to include your daughter when you have the new baby.

Yes, your having mixed feelings Mom....your pregnant! Your hormomes are all out of wack BUT don't worry you'll develope the strength from no where to love & care for BOTH of the children. Include your daughter in on the pregnancy, so she'll know she's going to be a "Big Sister". Let her rub your tummy, talk to the baby, feel the kicking & so on. She won't resent you if you continue to show love toward her & when the baby arrives let her help in the feedings, bath time, get the diapers & wipes....TRUST me it'll ALL kick in, in due time. Good luck & God Bless!

Hi H.,

I remember those days. I have three children that are all close in age, 8, 6, and 5. I thought that my oldest would feel left out, but he actually loves having a younger sister and brother. I ask him to help out a little more, but he also gets to do extra things (like stay up a little later).

It may help the adjustment to have special dates with your daughter doing something that she loves. The times that my children act up are very closely related to them needing "mommy time." Even just an afternoon of playing games or going to the zoo, just us, helps. This is something that my husband and I continue even now.

Hope this helps. And remember....you are not alone and this will get better AND you are not crazy. :)

T.

Good Morning H. and Congratulations on your new little one. It's your emotions kicking in right now H., your not crazy by any stretch of the imagination. To get your little girl used to the arrival of the new baby you could do what our daughter in law did. Every morning before she left for work she would give our gr son hugs and kisses then our grand son would hug and kiss her tummy and tell the baby bye bye. When we knew it was another boy and had a name he would say bye bye Zane love you. He went to most of the OBY app.'s when they listened to heartbeats he would smile big and say that's my baby brother Zane. He is a very good big brother, brings diapers, throws them away, talks to him, sings and plays with him gently. Start calling her a big sister and how much fun it will be to have a baby in the house to play with.
Corbin used to measure Zane daily to see if he was big enough yet to play with him. ;)

Please don't feel guilty by having another baby, you will be surprised how close they can become. Listen to soothing music and relax when you get the chance. You do not want to stress yourself out over your little girls feelings. She will take notice and really give you a run for your money. "Oh Mommy feels bad wonder what I can get her to do for me now".
They are a lot more tuned in to us then we usually realize.
If you tell her you were so happy when she was born you wanted to have another baby to give everyone more happiness. Then show her how important she is and how happy you are she will have a little brother or sister.

Ok I am done ramblin.....lol Good luck to you H., I know all will be ok, just relax and enjoy it.
In His Amazing Grace,
K. aka Nana of 5

I can tell you, hon, it is not your emotions! It is scary, and I can't tell you how much your concerns are incredibly normal. I have 2 children and they ended up being 10 1/2 mos. apart! Talk about stress! Just rest in this: There are billions of multiple child families out there, and the oldest child usually turns out really well adjusted and the "normal" one! Actually, with a little less focused attention, you may find your 2 year old mellow out a bit. Just relax, keep her involved in the process so there are no unknowns (a 2 year old can take info, just keep her posted and see!) and have a great pregnancy! Congratulations!

I know you have already gotten a lot of responses but when I was going through this, every little bit of reassurance helped. I could have written almost word for word what you did when I was expecting my second. I stressed about it for the full 9 months. Not only was my oldest strong willed, she was also very much a mamma's girl and loved her snuggle time. I was very concerned about how she was going to share Mommy. I should never have worried about it. My oldest LOVES her little sister. Even though she was so young at the time, she knew pretty much as soon as we did that she was going to have a baby sister and we never told her anything. She was very pretective of me an especially my belly before I had even thought to tell her about the baby. She wouldn't even let my husband touch my belly for a little while. As I got bigger, she just got more understanding. Then when our precious little bundle arrived, we didn't have ANY problems with the transition. I will never forget the look our her face when we brought her baby sister home from the hospital! She was so excited that we got to keep the baby. I worked hard at spending quality time with the older one especially at first. Sometimes that meant two babies on my lap at once but it has been SOOO worth it! That play so well together and I know that they will be close for the rest of their lives. Now, I wouldn't have it any other way. I have been so blessed.

I remember when my friend Jill had the same thoughts. I didn't have kids yet and thought she was silly. Then.... I got pregnant for the second time and had two year old twins. During the pregnancy I just kept reassuring myself that a sibling is the greatest gift you can give a first born. Who else will make fun of you when they are older :) There is no one else who gets the inside jokes or can carry the grief with you when something tragic happens. When the kids are in their teen years they won't appreciate your gift. But, once they hit their twenties, thirties and fourties they will cherish their sibling and that bond.

My twins were obviously time consuming and they did get a little more demanding when I was pregnant and even now they demand their one on one time with Mom. But, they ADORE their sister. She was a suprise baby following years of infertility. She has beautiful blond curls and blue eyes (no one else in the family does) and everywhere we go people are drawn to her.

Your children will love and adore each other. You just have to make it through the next twenty years :) :) :)

I will respond without having read all the others, probably repeating others... but... when I found out I was pregnant with baby #2, my first was almost two. I cried for weeks. Not because I didn't want baby #2, but I wasn't sure my oldest was ready and I think I had to mourn the loss of the family and the relationship I had then. I knew how much it would change. And it has. Anyway, you're not crazy. It does get better and you'll always second guess yourself, but just don't let it get in the way of experiencing what you have going on now.

As for your daughter, watch her. you know her better than anyone else. All kids react differently. Read about it for yourself and read to her and talk to her. My daughter took it very well, but lately it's been harder and she wants to be the baby again (my younger one is 17 mo now). She'll do fine because she has you and your husband.

Congratulation.

K.

Try to set aside some time of one on one with the older child. Make sure to have time with both parents. It can be as easy as reading a book or coloring with the child. It will be busy but the good thing about having the children close together is they could be really good friends and hopefully they will go off to college close to the same time. Make sure to schedule some me time so you do not get burnt out.

OMG...first of all...chill out and take a deep breath. It's probably the hormones that is making you anxious. I was a little that way when our 3rd pregnancy happened a bit sooner than planned. Anyway.........Your older child is not going to be the age she is now, when the baby is born. Try and prepare her for the baby and how much a big sister gets to help with a new baby. Find a way to help her chill out as well. Maybe do activities together that will tire her out more to make her not as high strung....all kids are very demanding and take a lot out of us...it's all in how we deal with it is how the outcome occurs. You will be fine when the baby is here. So enjoy this time, it doesn't last long.

As a mother of 5, I always knew I wanted alot of children. I have 3 boys and 2 girls. My daughters are 18 months and 3 months and I have found that girls are more "work" than boys. I was scared at first but now we have our schedules. The baby will sleep most of the time in the beginning which I think is Gods way of preparing everyone for the change. I still spend quality time with each one because of their sleep schedules. You can do it and when the kids are older they will have sooo much fun together. Congrats and Good Luck!

Dear H.,
This is exactly how my husband and I felt upon realizing that I was pregnant again. Your feelings of being possibly overwhelmed (by the round the clock duties for 2) and sadness (for your daughter's having to eventually share you) are completely normal. In fact, planned or unplanned, if one doesn't experience these emotions I would wonder. But you take one day at a time, you prepare your daughter mentally for what's about to hit her (read plenty of "Big Sister" books from the library), and you learn your role as mother of two a little more each day that passes. My midwife once told me during my second pregnancy that it was fortunate that my first was still so young, because pretty soon, she wouldn't even remember life before her little sister. Perhaps, having a second child will even lull your daughter a little bit. That's what has happened in our case, they absolutely adore each other and are finally at the ages (2 and three quarters and almost 12 months) where they can entertain one another and make each other laugh. These are the memories that you'll bring with you eventually of this time. Don't feel consumed by the emotional heaviness you're feeling and the anxiety of how you'll handle it... we are nurturing creatures by nature. Good luck with everything, and recognize that it's normal to feel that way.
K.

The same thing happened with my husband and I. My daughter was 10 mo old and my husband and I dicussed trying for #2 in when my daughter turned 18mo. We decided that it was a good time to get off the pill and if we got pregnant a bit early that would be OK. The very next month we got pregnant. We were a bit surprised but happy. We were also nervous since our daughter is very high energy and very strong willed. The big surprise cam the next month at my first doctors visit when we found out we were pregnant with TWINS. After the initial shock set in and then wore off we were excited but really nervous about the finacial strains twins were going to put on us.
I had my twins 8 months ago, when my was 19mo old. It was very tiring at first but it always gets better. Looking back we couldn't imagine anything different. Things have a way of working out. Since we have 3 babies we don't go out to eat as often, just because it is quite to ordeal to pack everyone up for a quick dinner. Since we don't go out we save $$. It also helped with exposure to germs. Now that hte weather is nice and the kids are bigger we get out, we just make it worth while.
As for your feelings of your daughter being left out, I would worry about it. I get my daughter involved with helping. She will give them toys and binkys and make sure I know if one of them is crying. If they have a dirty diaper, my daughter will get me a clean diaper and tell me it is time to change the boys.
Best of luck with everything. I think after the new baby has arrived and you get through the initial sleepless nights you will look back and realize that it is not so bad.
M.

Yes, this is mostly pregnancy hormones. Remember that before you were 'under the influence' of those hormones, you and your husband decided to have a baby and you were happy you got pregnant. That's how you really feel. The rest is standard mom-to-be worrying. And, yes, your daughter may have some feelings of resentment and feel left out from time to time. But, she will get over it and it will only be temporary. She is at a great age to have a new baby brother or sister and will learn to love him/her just as much as you and your husband do. She will love being the 'little momma' and helping you with the baby. Best of all, she will grow up in a loving family. A sibling is a wonderful thing for your child. And, though they will have their moments growing up, other than parents, no one loves you like a brother or sister. Congratulations to you and your family!

My daughters are 18 months apart and best friends. I remember feeling pretty sad that my first one had to grow up so quickly. She's so good and nurturing (still) with her little sister. Even at 18 months old she would help me by bringing over the diaper and wipes. I think its been really good for her to have a little sister. Its way better than another doll! Your feelings are totally normal, but don't dwell on them. Everyone has to grow up, and first children are generally leaders and goal getters, probably because they are needed to help out and act older than they actually are. Its good in the long run. I'm an oldest child too, so I'm all for it. Now I'm worried about youngest child syndrome setting in with our youngest...kind of makes me want another!

Hey H.!
You will be fine! I have three children...two girls ages 10 & 8 and a little boy who is 9 months. Being closer in age is not that big of a deal. It's actually very nice. I am no "super mom" by any means & if I can do it, anyone can! Your daughter might not be so demanding once the new baby gets here. She'll be your "big helper". Plus, once they are a little older, they will be playmates!
Good luck dear, but just know that God never gives us more than we can handle :o)

Dear H.,
I think your feelings are perfectly natural. Anyone who thinks they have it all together is just fooling themselves! We all struggle with these issues when we add children to the family. It's hard to imagine what life will be like.
You sound like you're a caring Mother who wants the best for her children. I'm sure you will be handle this. Just remember, no one is perfect. As much as we'd like to make things the same for our older children, it can't happen. Your daughter will have to adjust. But, that can be a good thing.
My first child was very strong willed. I used to wonder if I was a good mother or not. I could never tell with him. Then, baby number two came along. He was as opposite from baby one as could be. He was so easy! It really boosted my confidence as a Mother. I knew then that it was just their personalities, not my mothering style. My second child really helped me with my first child because I stopped trying to be perfect.
I have four children. Each child was an adjustment. Each child has a different personality. Sometimes it was hard, but I can't imagine life without any one of them. Each new child adds texture and richness to your family.
You're going to love this baby and love whatever he or she brings to your family. You will be fine! Don't be so hard on yourself.
R.
____@____.com

I felt the same way - so I think it is pretty normal! We devote ourselves to our first baby and the thought of spreading out our time and love on two seemed impossible! I worried that I wouldn't be able to juggle the demands of two. I worried that I wouldn't love my second child enough because I loved the first so much. How could another compare?

The good news is that when the new baby comes it all works out. I was terrified, but we made it work. I struggled with a bit of post partum depression and was on an antidepressent for the first couple of months, but was back to my self very shortly. Our oldest was 3 when the second came. We had some moments of forgetting our toilet training, doing naughty things when I sat down to nurse - she figured out that chances were I was not going to unlatch that baby to scold her. There is a balance - and you WILL find it! Everyone is fine and our oldest can't even remember life without her sissy.

God won't give us more than we can handle, and you CAN handle this. You will just have to hang in there and expect some bumps in your road. Moms are exceptionally resiliant creatures, and we just do the do!

Best wishes! Let me know if you ever just need someone to relate to. I have been there and would love to share any tips I have with you! :)

M.
____@____.com

Hi H.,

It was so long ago and a little different circumstances but I can understand the fear. My kids are 4 years and 1 month between them. So when I was about 6 months pregnant with our daughter I remember thinking I was starting all over and what in the sam heck was I thinking!! But it does get better.

Just keep breathing.

Lori K

I would make sure that she is involved with the pregnancy as much as possible so that she is not feeling insecure. I dont know if you have told her yet but kids can sense things. I babysit for an almost 2 year old whos mother is due in about 2 months and have noticed a definate change in her behavior. If you do the nursery let her help with things like putting away diapers, socks, wipes, putting toys in the crib etc. Even give her a paint brush and some water to pretend she is painting. Also dont give in to her bad behavior just to make life easier because it will only get worse when the babydoes come. Hope that helps. E.

H., I am the proud mom of two young children. They are 15 1/2 months apart. My son will be 3 on 7/1 and my daughter will be 2 on 10/15. Oh how we have so much in common...when is your due date. I work full time and can totally relate to the questions and anxiety you are feeling. I WAS SCARED TO DEATH when I found out I was pregnant with the 2nd one. My husband and I were going to be done after my son was born. I cried for the first six weeks after I found out I was pregnant and towards the end of my pregnancy, my doctor put me on anxiety medicine. I even cried the day I left the hospital with her. So, I think everything you are feeling is "normal". However, looking back I can't believe I let myself get all worked up. I would not change things for the world and I can see that my children are going to be the best of friends and I don't know what I would do without my daughter. Believe me, it is challenging so don't be afraid to ask friends and family members for help. I truly believe after my experience that God does not give you more than you can handle and there is a reason you were blessed so quickly with this baby. Enjoy your pregnancy and don't worry about neglecting your 2 year old. I at sometimes felt that I was actually giving more attention to my 2 year old than my newborn. You will know who needs attention and when. I am sure you will make it thru this and in 2 years, you will be giving this same advice to another mom that is scared too death. Good luck and feel free to contact me privately if you have any other questions!!

Hello I'am a wife and sahm of 2 kiddo's i'm 28 yrs. old. When my son was over 2 yrs. old I wanted to have another baby a Girl so I kept that feeling inside for a while,mentioned off and on then Bam after my annual checkup with my Gyno who started me on prenantal vitamin's I was in his office again 6 weeks later with baby #2 on board I remember this clearly he say's wow when you wanted baby #2 you did it and so quickly.I went home thinking yes maybe a girl this time,a month or so passed then I was feeling quilty my son is so young he'll only be 3 when baby #2 comes along how will I deal with this do I really want to continue even told my husband. I was thinking maybe this isn't for me.This lasted a lil while and which I was told it was normal thinking.It went away then totally bliss I was showing getting bigger shopping for baby item's and my son was with me just me and him he helped,Then the sonogram couldn't tell for sure it was a girl.My pregnancy was miserable I hurt so bad I could hardly walk around 5 months,then in a car accident had to go to the hospital had to monitor baby all those Bad thought's that I had in the begining is this coming true I prayed I took back all I thought and wanted my baby to be ok was in the hospital all day into evening to monitor baby since I was having slight contractions and in pain.Then I found out through another sono it's my Girl she is going to be ok everything is in tack.Now she is 16 months old and son 41/2 they keep me busy each and everyday some day's are harder than other's but that is ok with out them i'd be lost.Now just to find out if baby #3 is on board.If you find yourself getting out of control with your thought's and emotions Zoloft is a decent antidepressant and anxiety medication,however I do belive if you speak up you'll feel better.Take Care

I have boys 2 1/2 years apart. My first is a strong-willed child and still is 9 years later. One thing I found in having two is that my second child is calm, cool, and collected (yee-haw)...I don't blame all of my first child's strong-willedness on me (LOL).

I named my second child as soon as we found out it was a boy and then talked about him "Justin" like he was here. Justin is hungry..be careful of Justin...say good night to Justin..etc...I don't know if it helped, but once Justin came into the World, it wasn't like we sprang it on my first.

Once Justin was in the world and he was sleeping or swinging...I would tell Justin to wait, I have to help Tyler (the oldest one). I know Justin didn't have a clue, but Tyler thought his brother had to wait as he did when I was taking care of the baby. Sometimes we expect the older one to be patient when they are too little to understand.

As for your mixed feelings now, it's normal and natural. If you didn't have these feelings you may not plan as well as you are. No one is ready to be a parent...it's what you do in life...live it and enjoy it.

A.

H.,
What you are feeling is very normal. I had the same kinds of feelings when I became pregnant with my 2nd child. My first child was my world, he was also 2 around that time. I learned that 2 year olds can be difficult (they are learning to assert their independence!) and being pregnant sometimes makes it feel like they are even more difficult. Anyway, my son is now 3 1/2 and my daughter is 14 mths. My son adores his sister, we have always told him that she is his baby and he has always been very gentle and very good to her. He is the one that she calls for when she wakes up first thing in the morning. He has always gone and gotten in her crib with her and talked to her for about 5 minutes before I go in her room. I have always tried to include my son in whatever I am doing with my daughter. I found that my heart expanded when I had my 2nd child and there is more love to go around. The same will happen to you and your husband.

I think your feelings are probably normal, but there is hope!

I think there are two ways to handle this, first that you need to get things under control with your daughter, and second that there are things you can do to help her prepare and handle the birth of a new sibling.

Before your new baby is born, you probably need to set some ground rules and limits for your daughter. It may be that you have already done this. The most important part about this is that you have to be consistent and stick to your word. Your 'yes' means 'yes' and your 'no' means 'no.' The rules and limitations are the same all the time. She should never get her way by throwing a tantrum or whining. That only reinforces the behavior and tells her that her bad behavior is working. You can model for her how to use her big girl voice and how to talk politely. Let her learn that this is way more effective than throwing a fit.

Although, sometimes kids don't understand why they can't have something even when they ask nicely. In these cases, you can focus on what she can have instead, rather than what she can't. For example, "I can't let you have candy at the store, but we can have a snack in the car. Would you like a granola bar or fruit?" Giving her more choices (like 2 at a time) can help her feel like she has a little more control over her world, but it's not an overwhelming amount to her. When there are no limits being enforced, kids feel overwhelmed by their environment, so limits help them feel safe. Having a couple of choices to choose from many times throughout the day can help her gain self confidence and feel some self control (Would you like to wear these pants, or these? Would you like milk or water with lunch? Would you like to help me wash the fruit or the vegetables? Would you like to clean up by yourself or do you want me to help you?) This can help a lot with strong willed children.

Ok, now for the new sibling thing, there are lots of things you guys can do to prepare: visit the hospital and look at the new babies, spend some time with a friend who has a new little one, play with her baby dolls, talk about the new baby a lot and explain things to her in ways she can understand. When the baby arrives, expect that she will be a little out of sorts for some time. She may start to act more like a baby herself, do things she wouldn't normally do, etc. Just remember that this is new for her and she may not know how to handle such a change. If you can, spend some one-on-one time with her each day, maybe while the baby sleeps. Let her know that she is still so important to you and how much you will always love her (this does not mean that you should be permissive and let her do things that are normally off limits, as this would add to all the 'changes' and could confuse her. Be sure to keep your boundaries the same and consistent). Let her help with the new baby and be involved if she wants to be. It's also important to keep her routine and schedule very consistent and close to how it was before the new baby, or as close as possible. Included in this would be that if she went to child care, still have her go a couple of times a week so she's not totally thrown off. The more consistency, the better.

I guarantee she will not resent you or stay mad at you. It is a change for all of you and you will all eventually adjust. I've never heard of a child who permanently resented their parents for having another child, so stay positive and things will settle in time.

Ok, sorry this is so long, but I hope it helps a little. best wishes!

Well, if you're crazy you're in fine company. I am also pregnant with my second child, due in October. My daughter will be two in December. I have been feeling the same way. How am I going to make this work with losing my sanity in the process?

I don't think you're crazy because my husband and I just had our second daughter (she's 7 weeks old) and I had mixed emotions throughout my pregnancy. We had talked about having another baby and (like you) one month later I was pregnant. It all happened so fast and I wasn't sure our daughter was ready to share us with another baby.

Our daughter was 2 1/2 at the time and turned 3 one month before our baby was born. We prepared our older daughter by including her in everything and talking about the baby and what she could do when the baby arrived. She talked about how she'd teach the baby to talk, walk, eat, etc. She was very excited about it. We had books about being a big sister (I think Target sells a couple - Sisters and Big Sister) and she even made up a song about becoming a big sister. She has a cousin that is getting ready for a new baby brother and our daughter wants to teach her cousin the song.

It has been challenging at times because I know our older daughter feels like she's not getting our full attention some times, but my husband has been great about taking care of our older daughter more while I nurse and care for the baby. Also, on Sunday mornings, my husband watches the baby sometimes and I take our daughter to get a haircut, breakfast or her toe nails painted (splurge) and it makes her feel very special.

I think you just need to prepare your daughter and help to her to understand the process and let her know what to expect when the baby comes and I'm sure she'll be fine.

Good luck!

Don't freak out. It will be ok. I had my 4th child just 17 months after my 3rd and wasn't ready to let my 3rd give up her position as "the baby." So they were raised almost like twins and they are very close. When I brought my 3rd child home and the other two were 4 and 2, I remember setting the new baby down and saying "I can't do this." It was so scary. But, your mom instincts kick in and you do what y ou have to do do. It's not easy, especially at first, but it's wonderful and well worth it. The important thing for your older child is to make sure she feels like it's her baby too. Get her excited about the baby and talk about how she can be a helper. Also, none of my kids were ever jealous of the new baby partly because they got excited about it too, and partly because the new baby always came home from the hospital with a special gift for the big brother/sisters. My kids always remembered the gift the baby brought home.

As far as the battle of the wills, this is the time to stop having battles and start putting your foot down. Don't let the two year old run the house. You are in charge and she needs you to be in charge. The more you allow her to play you the more difficult she will be. Watch Nanny 911 and see how they get willful 2-year-olds in line!

My babies are 20 months apart. When I was pregnant with the second baby, I read lots of books to my daughter about a baby. I showed her the ultrasound pics and etc. she loved her brother from the get go. Now, they play together very nicely. He is 18 months old and she is 3. It is nice for her to have a buddy to play with, because she is also needy for attention and strong willed. Now, her brother fills her need for attention when I cannot and she gets to be his boss. Really, he does most of what she tells him to :) Just remember that everything works out the way it does for a reason and that this baby is every bit the miracle as its sister. Good luck to you.