My sister is 20 weeks along with twin boys. I saw 2 other mother's postings here about dealing with their loss of a twin, however, they were talking post birth. My sister's babies have been perfect since day one and out of the blue within a week, there was some sort of blood clot, some bleeding and then instantly - super low amniotic fluid on Baby B. The baby, within about 10 days, has gone from 95th to 25th size percentile....
There is still a heartbeat. They are, of course, monitoring and sort of just waiting for the baby's heart to stop so they can insure she doesn't go into labor for the sake of Baby A. I can't imagine the pain she's going through considering how much pain I am feeling myself for her.
Can anyone share a resource or links of stories or advice or perspectives from other moms who have gone through this and what advice to give her while she's still moving through this pregnancy?
What do I do or what can I do to help her?
And most importantly, she already asked me to cancel the baby shower and keeps saying "what am I going to say to people" - while she's in incredible emotional mourning - I want her to put it aside so she can focus on the joy of a healthy Baby A still coming into the world. I am so concern the amount of her terror, stress and lack of sleep and food is just adding undue stress to Baby A and want to help her complete a full birth to term with this little guy.
Thank you!!!
My SIL was pregnant with twin girls 9 years ago... at 22 weeks they found one baby was big and the other stopped growing.... twin to twin transfusion :(
I would cancel the baby shower for now.. I'm hoping for a miracle for her babies..
I'm sorry. What she says is, "Unfortunately one of our twins died before he/she was born, so please understand that the birth of this baby is bittersweet for us." Or about the shower just that it is being post-ponned and details will follow. Anyone really close will understand.
If she doesn't want a big baby shower under the circumstances, ask her if she wants to later have a "baby welcoming party" - after the baby is born, and things are a little more settled emotionally. Some cultures do not have a baby shower before the baby is born, and two of my young relatives arrived before their baby showers so we had more of a party celebrating their arrival. (Babies were not there...they were still in NICU.)
What you might also do is think about their needs, be it mowing the lawn or baking a casserole and enlist people in showering them with love and support during this time, if that would help your sister cope. Friend lost one of her twins at birth and people pitching in to help her DH (who was also coping with the loss, while caring for their other child) really helped.
I agree that all her feelings are valid and that the best way to help Baby A is to help her, and validate her and let her cry and rage and whatever else she needs to do to cope with the prospect of a dying child and carrying that child with her living child for many more weeks. If you don't know what to say, just give her a hug.
I think the best way to help her is to just listen. You might consider a lot of reflective listening:
http://www.ehow.com/how_###-###-####_use-reflective-liste...
(this is in case this is an unfamiliar concept)
I have had multiple miscarriages and what Doc said below holds true: encouragements to be happy, to be grateful for whatever (someone once told me "at least you know you can get pregnant"... I was floored)-- all of these well-wishes were meant kindly, but sort of negated the fact that I was dealing with a traumatic loss.
My sister, who lost her husband a few years ago, said the hardest thing about his passing was that she felt she had to make others feel better about things,that she had to take care of them. She said that she wished that people had just let her feel how she needed to feel at that time instead of finding 'reasons' or presenting 'God's plan' to her. (She is a Christian, by the way. Just poor timing on their part.)
All of this to say, while you are meaning well, you may be inadvertently putting more stress or pressure on your sister. She really has very little control over the circumstances of her pregnancies and how the babies are developing. Let her be, honor her request for no baby shower--- honestly, during my last two miscarriages and the subsequent days, I didn't want to be around anyone. Not even my husband, as much as I loved him. I just needed to grieve without being told how to feel or what to focus on or how I need to get on with life. Believe me, we have SO MUCH guilt in the fact that our babies didn't make it... please don't add more stress or guilt by suggesting that she isn't enjoying or celebrating the other baby enough. You might not be intending that at all-- I understand that, but she shouldn't be expected to have a whole lot of objectivity right now.
You are a good sister for wanting to do what's good for her-- just know that this is a time to let things happen as they happen. There will be a time when she is able to be happy again, but that may be a while.
I am so sorry for your sister. This is so hard.
Do not make her have a baby shower. Don't even think about it right now. Give her time to get through what is coming in her way. You can't tell someone else how to grieve.
She's only 20 weeks along. If, around 30 weeks (which is more than 2 months from now so there is plenty of time) she thinks she would like to have the shower, plan it then. Or, do as many many people do, and don't have a baby shower at all. Plan a welcome party for the baby about a month after delivery. Newborns need very little in the first few weeks, and everyone can still buy strollers, high chairs, clothes, toys, bedding, etc, AFTER the baby is born.
I had a baby born still in 2000. Placental abruption. It was extremely difficult. I didn't have another child until 2005 and that pregnancy was extremely stressful because I was considered high risk. I didn't have many resources then, but now am aware of Share-an infant loss support group. I actually have many friends who participate in their annual walks. http://www.nationalshare.org/ I would start there. DONT tell her she needs to focus on baby A, or that this is what god meant to happen, etc. Etc. Etc.
All of those cliches really hurt and isolated me when I was grieving.
Honestly, what helped the most were people acknowledging that I was a
mother even though the baby passed. So, if she does lose baby b-she will
still always be the mother of twins.
ETA: there are other cool things you could offer like that bear where you can have the baby's heartbeat recorded and put into the bear. Not sure of the name of the org that makes those. Google it. Also, you could offer to have professional photos done while she still has both babies-may help her later.
I also have a cousin who is a twin. Her brother passed as an infant of SIDS. She is in her 40s now and is still a twin with her other half in heaven.
I can't imagine the simultaneous joy and grief of losing O. twin and welcoming another.
So sad. I'm so sorry.
Frankly, I'm shocked at the lack of sensitivity shown in some of these responses. Anyone who has lost a baby (especially) should understand this at a much deeper level. (I've miscarried, although much earlier.)
Please respect her wishes about the shower. Postponing it or changing it to a meet the baby party sounds like a great suggestion to me.
It's not "literally" what she will say, it's more like "how can I celebrate O. while losing O.."
And the "twin/matching" gifts? That would be devastating!
Not having the typical shower blow out would not mean the surviving baby is not being celebrated or welcomed. At all!
It's going to require love, support, sensitivity, tact and grace to pull this off and help her through it.
Listen, support, help and love her.
Good luck to you!
Give her the support that you would offer any friend/relative going through a difficult pregnancy. That could take the form of child care for sibs (if needed) meals for the family, heck...cleaning her home!
I delivered preemie twins at 29 weeks and 3 days. One twin had 'congenital heart defects'...and they recommended aborting her to save the 'good twin'. hmmm.
Anyway, it was a LONG struggle, but my twins turn 18 on October 13th.
I joined a cardiac group when I first got the diagnosis...and educated myself. I am not aware of any particular group for this situation, but I had also joined a 'moms of multiples' group in the area when I found out it was twins...and they were very helpful along the way. You might have her try that...or YOU contact a group and see if there is anyone THEY can put you in touch with.
My heart goes out to your sister. I send healing thoughts and prayers.
I am happy to e mail her, but my story is different.
Best!
i'm a little surprised that anyone would insist that the baby shower be held despite the mom's wishes. babies are welcome and loved whether or not showers are held- showers are for the mothers, not the babies.
i can totally imagine how hard it is for you, and how much you want to help her refocus on the healthy baby. but you really can't 'help' or expect her to put aside her terrible grief. be available, follow her lead, and let her move through her own emotions at her own pace.
damn.
khairete
S.
I am a mom of twins and am blessed that mine were born full term. However towards the end one of them stopped gainig weight all together. She stayed at 3.5 pounds from week 30 to 36 and the other one gained all the weight. I was very stressed and though the doctors said she was fine, as a mom, I was worried. it was only in the last week that she gained a pound and was born at 4.5 pounds.
As a mom, I was worried, and would become upset if anyone said atleast one is gaining weight. I can understand your sister's anguish. I think it would be important to her that you are with her.
I will keep your family in my prayers and hope all goes well.
Welcome to mamapedia!
I'm glad you were able to use the search engine on this site to get some information!
What will your sister will say to people? That there was a problem with one of the babies and unfortunately, he died. I'm VERY blessed to still have the other baby.
I would NOT cancel the baby shower. The other baby still deserves to be welcomed into the world.
What can you do to help her? Other than being there for her - nothing. Losing a baby in-utero is very hard, especially at 20 weeks because you feel the baby moving and it's a great feeling! (I've lost 3 babies - one at 22 weeks, one at 12 weeks and one at 16 weeks, so I understand her pain). To be honest, there was NOTHING anyone could do. Just listen. Have a box of tissues nearby and be there when she calls.
Do NOT ask "how are you?" - that one just bugged me to no end. How do you expect me to be? I just lost a baby I desperately wanted. Instead ask - is there anything I can do for you?
BE THERE....for her..
I'm sorry. This is a tough time.
My sister in law was Baby A, once upon a time. She had a twin that died before birth. I'm not sure of the particulars, but I do know that my SIL was born perfectly healthy and had no issues. (I can't imagine there being two of her in this world - she's a force to be reckoned with!)
I'm sorry for the problems your sister is going through right now. Her grief is understandable; I can't imagine.
I'm so sorry. Our situation was a little different, so I only have advice about the shower. My second was diagnosed with a complex heart defect before he was born. If he survived birth, he would need open heart surgery within the first few days of life. Because of this, I did not want a baby shower. I had a lot of hope, but I was also realistic. My friends/family respected my wishes. He is now 6 and has had 3 open heart surgeries. He's thriving. However, I would not have changed my mind about a shower. Praying for the little guy!
Cancel the baby shower and offer to communicate with people about what has happened for her. Reassure her that the same people who love her and were excited for the baby shower will be sympathetic to her loss and want to help in any way they can.
If she does experience the loss of one twin, I would try to find a way to pay tribute to the second twin and don't sweep the memory away. Something like matching baby blankets or stuffed animals for both twins and gift both to the baby as a reminder of his lost sibling. It means a lot to most mothers when people don't avoid the subject of their late-term loss but instead treat it like you would the loss of any person.
I am so sorry for you and your sister. I hope the remainder of her pregnancy goes well and that Baby A is born healthy. I will, of course, hope for a miracle with Baby B as well.
The website www.facesofloss.com can be very helpful to people who experience loss during pregnancy and infancy. I hope your sister can find some comfort and stay strong for Baby A.
