Relationship Advice - Westborough,MA

I buy myself something that I really want, then tell my husband "This is what you are getting me for my birthday." Or I tell my husband what to get me and where to get it. That way I always get exactly what I want.

Guys don't always know what to get us. My husband isn't that great at gift giving either. I actually make him a list and e mail it to him of what I want, so he can pick and choose from that. I think a good book for both of you to read is the five love languages. It's really a great book. My husband even came up with one on his own that's not even in the book. His love language is having someone he can lean on no matter what. Wether it's backing him up, standing up for him, or picking him up when he locks his keys in the car. He just wants me to be his wonder woman, lol! Mine is time together. I LOVE spending time with him. We don't always get along, but when we do I love it.
So, definatly get that book and read it together.

S., I totally get what you're saying. Sending you comforting hugs and emotional strength. Hang in there, and know that you are not alone!

Really? Have you gone back and re-read this post and read it as though another mom posted it....

You are mad because you don't get gifts from your husband and you are now considering passive aggressive behaviors to "teach him a lesson"

Does this sound mature to you? I am not trying to be rude... I am just stunned that this is such a priority.

I think there are some major underlying issues here within the marriage. I can't fatham why someone would consider his/her relationship to be sour because of not getting gifts.

I've been married 25 LONG years. We are not into gift giving on special days, etc. If my hubby sees something and wants me to have it he gets it... it does not matter if it is not a birthday, Christmas, etc. The meaning of our holidays are not for the purpose of gift giving. We do not have those expectations.

I look at so many things to be thankful for in my marriage.... I would find it selfish of myself or hubby to have expectations of gifts for every occasion.

Does you hubby know how critical this is to you? Maybe he does not understand why this is so important to you. If you can't communicate with him then go talk to a counselor and figure out why receiving gifts is such a priority to you. Are the gifts a "prize" for working together as a team? Marriage takes sacrifice on both parties.

IF I felt like you........ I would COMMUNICATE with my husband and not play with fire by being passive aggressive and potentially ruining my marriage. The passive aggressiveness will do nothing but establish resentments and create strife between you.

I am sorry but it does sound shallow and materialistic. Can you not feel loved by your husband if he is not showering you with gifts? He does provide for your family, right?

I do wish you the best.

Many men have to be taught, and taught very explicitly like you would a preschooler, or a dog. That means that a few days before the event, you remind him that your birthday/anniversary/whatever is coming up, and you give him ideas of what to buy you. Then you give a reminder the next day, and the next. Facilitate the gift-buying as much as possible, even if it means you send him out one evening, so that you make sure that the gift gets purchased.

Then, when you receive the gift, give him a big reward for it, whatever he finds rewarding. Praise, sex, love, etc. Kind of like rewarding a dog for good behavior.

His behavior is self-centered and uncaring, but IMO this is what most males are innately like unless someone has trained them.

Another anti-male rant from me.

Train your boys, moms!

S. - There are two gift giving days out of the year. Christmas and your birthday.
How does he do the other 363 days?

Well he was obviously not a gift giver when you fell in love with him, and married him, and had kids with him, so I'm not sure why you are expecting him to change at this point?
If this is his only fault, count your blessings, grow up and realize that no one gets everything they want, but if we are very lucky, we get everything we need.

OK - expectations and reality are not the same in any relationship. Your husband sucks at gift giving. I'm guessing he has always been crappy at it. He is not saying what you think he is saying with your actions. He has NO IDEA where to start. He doesn't have time, because when he things about it, it would take him HOURS to figure out the right thing. Have you seen how men shop? :) LOL. Seriously, we can wander forever trying to find "just the right" whatever. They go in - see the first pair of shoes that fit, buy it, and leave. He might just go flat out into brain freeze and give up.

Do you enjoy shopping? Do you enjoy spending time with him? Does he enjoy spending time with you? Does he tolerate shopping (LOL)? If yes, make a special day out of shopping together for you for these events. Shopping, a meal, whatever. Make it an event, a date. Don't get caught up in the "he should know x and buy me x because that's the way it's done" trap. Be creative and help him. Turn it into something that is loving and fun for both of you instead of stressful.

Oh, and DEFINITELY read The 5 Love Languages - when you say "love him the way I'd like to be loved", that WON'T work. He is not you so it's like speaking German to someone who speaks Swahili and wondering why they don't understand. If his way of showing love isn't your way - you won't see it as he intends, and vice versa.

Give him a list. Seriously. MANY people are not good at getting gifts, and just give up and make excuses. Give him a list of ideas. This doe not have to be an EXACT list. Rather, suggestions. Like, bracelet. That is specific enough, yet vague enough for him to pick something out for you, that you don't expect. On the list, write down your favorite colors, stones, styles, etc. If he has help the first couple of times and he is successful, this will change how he views giving you gifts. As it stands, giving you a gift is a nightmare. You EXPECT it exceedingly, and he doesn't live up to your expectations. He will naturally shut down, when the task is miserable. You have different love languages, and you express them and receive them differently.

You really have to change your expectations. It sounds like you are expecting him to do something, he is simply not good at. He shuts down. Say you aren't good at putting together furniture. There is a bookshelf in the living room he keeps telling you he wants you to put together. You can't, so you don't. Yet, he keeps telling you and telling you and telling you...that he wants that bookshelf put together. You sort of try, but it was totally wrong. So, you give up, because it's never going to happen. He resents you for the bookshelf still sitting there, and you resent him for his unrealistic expectations.

See what I'm saying? You want him to do something that is unrealistic. Sometimes, you have to lead the horse to water.

Getting a gift is important to you. And for whatever reason, that's too much pressure for your DH.

Can you work with him to make holidays a happy time for both of you, rather than events to dread? You need a gift to feel loved, he just plain needs help.

Maybe you can start by going shopping with him. Pick something out, let him wrap it, get amnesia and be surprised when you unwrap it on the day. Next holiday, send him to one of your favorite shops with a list of things you would love. Let him choose. After that, let him loose at the mall. It would be sort of like desensitization therapy.

Please don't withdraw or pretend it doesn't matter. This is the way you're wired and your husband needs to learn how to meet your needs. Since you know he loves you, deal with this one problem so it doesn't affect other areas of your relationship.

This is the husband that you have. You may want to try making the gift-giving occasions easier for him to remember and budget time/money for. Keep the occasions visible on a calendar. Write down on the calendar the shopping days that could work for him with gift ideas of things that you'd like to receive, or at least gift categories with the price ranges. If he has a cell phone, set the reminders directly in the phone calendar to go off as alarms.

Here's the thing: you're equating gift-giving with love. You show your love to your husband by giving him gifts and you're showing him through your gift-giving that that's how you hope he'll show his love. EXCEPT that that's not how he shows you his love.

Think about all of the ways he DOES show you his love. Surely gift-giving isn't the only way that's acceptable for him to let you know that he loves and appreciates you.

I highly recommend that you both read The Five Love Languages. You both seem to be speaking different languages and you're not understanding each other.

EDIT: So you've made the effort in communicating to him how important it is, and you've both already read the Five Love Languages. Then frankly, I would be disappointed and upset that he's not making any effort on his own. Especially since you've made it clear that receiving the occasional token is not only appreciated, but necessary. I don't think it's selfish to enjoy occasional tokens of love and appreciation.

I do think it's possible that there's something else going on, but I don't know if it's some huge disrespect issue. I have a similar model of husband and laying things out straight seems to work for him. We really work on our communication and I'm straightforward about my expectations. But when we're in financial difficulty, I also don't push it.

My husband isnt great at gifts either. I think its part man thing and part, they have had anyone to teach them how to do it.
For Christmas, we dont exchange gifts. The gifts for everyone else is pricey and stressful enough.
The only time I do get gifts is my bday and Mother's Day. Since he is horrible with choosing, I pick out my own stuff, or tell him exactly where to get it.
I do not expect him, or even care if he doesnt put a ton of thought into getting me a gift on his own.
My advice to you, not trying to be mean, but get over it. Marriage is a sacred thing and I find it a tad immature for your marriage to be on the rocks over gift giving.
There is a bigger picture here. Change your priorities, and buy yourself what you want.

EDIT:
So I asked my friends because I was a bit curious on what others (mostly men) thought. I think it goes along the lines as what others have said but clarified.

Gifts given on specific dates and that are expected are not as important as the "I saw this Cadbury egg and it's not Easter but I know you love them" sort of gifts. These sort of thoughtfullness shows more that the person loves you and always has you in his thoughts. If he does do this, I'd have to rescind my comments and say to let it go. My husband unfortunately was not even like that so that's why I am more bitter about not getting anything at all... because I literally, never got anything at all, not even a love note on the fridge.

So just think about who he really is and whether he really does show love to you in those small ways outside of holidays and if he does, I think you are good to go.

*****************************************************************************
The one thing I think about most now that I'm getting a divorce is all the years I let him "not have time" or "I prefer to give gifts for gift sake and not because of a holiday" excuse which only translated in real life to be that I NEVER got birthday, Mother's day, Christmas or any other day gift. Everything was handed down to me from things he bought for himself and when it came to buying cars, I got the used car and he bought himself a new car. You tell yourself all those years that you understand and it's okay but in the end... it's not. It's just not. I never expected anything special, I never pushed to have nice things but it only led to me never getting anything nice. I don't own real jewelry. Not that I'm that materialistic but I think about all the times he just didn't think I deserved any thing nice. If there was one thing I wish I did over in our relationship it was to be the wife that got mad when he forgot my birthday. I allowed that behavior and so it became our norm and it leads to more than just lack of gifts, it leads to lack of appreciation. My children don't give me expensive gifts but they sure do show they appreciate me.

In the end, if it matters to you, then tell him and stick to it. I would say gifts are not important except it leads to other things that show appreciation for who you are so even if he's not "into" giving gifts, where is the harm in him trying to do something for you? I don't advocate being selfish but sometimes you have to come first.

By the way, I too felt the shame of wanting gifts. It's a cultural pressures that we shouldn't want material things and to want things to be shallow but you should not feel that way. It's that mentality that keeps you from asserting your desire. In the end gift giving is a part of appreciation, you want to feel appreciate and if some other form of appreciation worked for you then it wouldn't be an issue but you, like I, are probably a trinkets person. We like gifts, we like gifts that others make or have put lots of thought into it. My most cherished gift to this day is a leather key chain I got in 7th grade. My friend branded my name wrong but I love it because she made it for me.

EDIT:
I think I'm going to ask my guy friends about this. It would be interesting to know just what they are thinking.

ETA: another idea would be to give him a two-week 'heads up' and email him a list with items you like which you found online and include the links. All he has to do is pick one and have it sent to your home or his office. I'd try this first... (It does work well in our house-- my husband and I do this every so often to say "hey, I like this!")

original post~

S.,

I don't have any hard and fast answers. On the outside, it would seem odd to me that he 'doesn't have time to buy a gift' but he does have time to get all upset about it.

It sounds like there's something deeper going on for him. Maybe a mental block around buying gifts?

You sounds like you are unsure how to go forward, especially emotionally. You are angry, hurt, and feeling neglected and that he doesn't understand that your job is as equally challenging as his is, just in different ways. You don't understand how it is that you have learned to manage your time (with two little ones) in order to ensure he has a gift, and he has not made that effort.

I'd strongly suggest talking to a marriage counselor and opening up that discussion. Get a sitter and go work on your marriage. If he won't go, refuses to go-- get a sitter and go to a counselor yourself. You don't have to make any big decisions immediately, but go get some support and a real-life sounding board. I truly hope your husband sees the need to go with you and hopefully, he can identify what his block in purchasing presents is.
That said, the feelings you are living with-- and your subsequently perceived options (being angry or withdrawing) are not good ones. What's worse, they are the kinds of attitudes that do tend to drive spouses further apart (but I think you know that already).

Don't do this:"I could keep hoping he will come to his senses if I just continue to be myself and love him the way I'd like to be loved". Guys are not good on catching things by osmosis. They're more "if you've got a problem, say so". A counselor might help you 'say so' and then reframe your statement to help your husband understand that he has to get past making it a pity party for himself, which I think he's doing to a certain extent. Good marriage counselors are good at helping couples hold themselves accountable and they give the expectation that progress should be made between sessions.

A good counselor will also help you both reconnect and rediscover what it was that drew you two together in the first place. Bridging that gap is important.

I hope that this helps-- it's meant to be constructive criticism and suggestions. Everyone brings their own dynamic to the relationship--having a neutral third party help to sort things out can be very, very helpful moving forward.

I suggest that he needs to find out why he's doing this. Is he thoughtful and appreciative in other ways? Perhaps the problem is bigger than just not giving you gifts. I suggest that the two of you get involved with couple's counseling.

If he won't go, I urge you to go to see if you can find a way to manage this. I suggest that there may be ways around the gifts and your feelings. Also there may be a reason within your relationship that is causing him to ignore something that is important to you. Explore the issue with a therapist.

Later: Here's another idea. I suggest that you can choose to focus on some other way of feeling loved. The five love languages are not written in stone. We are in charge of the way we feel. We can make choices.

Ask your husband what he can do to show his love. Talk with him, using I statements, with an open mind. Listen to what he says and together work on solving this disconnect. A good web sight to read might help you with learning ways to talk together. http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication

ETA: how in the heck are you responding to your own post????

to your own I would advise you to get over it.
Sometimes my husband (or I) hits it out of the park, sometimes it's a so-so gift and guess what's? Sometimes we skip gifts completely.
I understand that you feel him getting you a gift=romance.
If getting a perfect, on time gift is that important to you, get yourself something from him. Then it will be on time, as expected!
"Emasculating"? Pfffft!
You'd obviously be doing him a favor!
Honestly, though, I would never want my husband to "take me shopping"! Ugh! Lol
Gift giving ain't his "thang", hon.
Focus on his fabulous qualities. Stop setting him (and you!) up for failure.

If it's about the gifts you lost me but if it's about not feeling appreciated in general then you have the same problem as millions of people.

I think you need to dig really deep within yourself and figure exactly why this bothers you so much. What if he bought you a sweater for Christmas and this year on your birthday he got you a necklace. Problem solved? Would you be totally happy and feel you had a great marriage? Do you see how shallow that sounds. A couple of trips to the department store and you are fulfilled?

There is something else going on here. Look deeper, figure this out from your end first because it really can't just be about receiving gifts. If it is just about the presents then good luck!

Just go out and buy yourself a gift. I do it every year for my birthday. Treat yourself to a mani/pedi or buy something you normally wouldnt waste money on. Or tell husband, be ready because Saturday, you are taking me out to eat at my fav place and to a movie that I want to see. Or make him a very specific list of things you want. He could at least just get on amazon and order you something. That works best for my dh, as he is always clueless about what to get me.

well, i can tell you what i did. i don't think i place quite the emphasis on the gift as you seem to - that's not a judgment, i just don't see myself letting it get to the point you have, because before it got to that point (you guys REALLY seem to be butting heads over this) - i simply bought my own. i never got to the point where it was SUCH a huge deal that i was constantly getting crushed over it. i took the hint - he doesn't do gifts. no biggie. on christmas, i do tell him what to get, hand him the money, and shoo him out the door on his day off. yes, i do. i do kind of want him to have SOMETHING to do with it at least for christmas. but on mothers day and my birthday - i tell him what i'm buying for myself. it has solved a LOT of headaches. maybe if you can give a little, he can give a little. it works really well for us.

if everything else is right in your relationship, don't let this be a deal breaker. i know it's hard, but be willing to compromise. everyone will be happier!

It sounds like there is more to it than just the gift giving. You sound resentful that you had to move and make sacrifices for his job and feel he doesn't appreciate your contributions. Is he a great husband and father other than the gift giving? If the answer is yes, then let it go. Maybe you can just arrange for a sitter on those nights and have him take you out for a romantic dinner. If you feel that he is inconsiderate in other areas of your marriage, then address those things rather than focusing on the gifts. Be conscious of how you phrase things. If you sound accusatory the other person becomes defensive and shuts down. I find it helps to ask my husband how I can improve as well, so that it's a two way street and you are both not perfect. Good Luck :)

There are quite a few possibilities going on here. The good news is that means a lot of things to try for a solution.

I had a pretty deprived childhood. If you H did also, it could be that he was never given a lot of gifts AND never had the opportunity to learn how to give them. The majority of gifts I give are practical, not showy. If I am conscience of any money problems, it just that much more difficult for me.

Another thing is a difference in love languages. He may be doing something else that to him, says, I love you. You don't feel that because your love language is gifts (evident in your extravagant gift giving to him).
Get the book, The Five Love Languages. Both of you need to read it and discuss your languages.

Or he could be one clueless guy. You already told him you needed a present for your birthday and he chose to ignore that request. You're going to have to find a way of bringing that message loud and clear.
A way of saying, I mean it. A consequence. I don't know your life well enough to know what that is for you and him. For me, it's FOOD. My H loves me to cook. I have been known to go on strike.

Guess what? He can get you a present for your birthday anytime. How about next Friday? Tell him you are having a do over on next Friday. He has the oportunity to make up for it. It better be good.

Let us know!

Well one time my husband "did not have time because he was so important". I went out and made a HUGE purchase without him. I bought a car for my birthday! He never forgot it again.

You both just have opposite and different personalities and needs.
So, you will both have to learn to meet each other half way, or not.
And that's it.
It is not a competition or a putting down of the other person... but ALSO, no one can every do EVERYTHING that another person wants or wishes.
And no one, can fulfill the "expectations" of another person, completely.
It is also... the expectations that a person clings to, that can also cause the problem in the first place. And "expectations"... can be wrong, too. Ya know. Just because you expect something from him... maybe it is just not appropriate or realistic.

Expectations, can really mar a relationship. If the expectations are simply too much, or the other person does not have the ability to do it.
Expectations can either be a way to improve, or it can be a real burden.
And realize that:
NO one, is just like the other person.
He is NOT you.
You are NOT him.
Until that is realized... then, there will always be disappointment.
And when a woman is disappointed in her man, even if he is sincere in what he is able to do... then he will get, downtrodden.
It does not lift... him up.
To hear and know, that the Wife is always disappointed in him... a Husband may just stop... even trying. Because the Wife is never, satisfied and nothing he does is ever good enough and nothing he ever does or says or tries to do... is never never never.... good enough.
And after awhile, he will just get distant.

He is NOT you.
You are not him.
And comparing yourselves to each other... is just pecking away at anything good. Constantly comparing is a real bad habit.
You seem to compare him... to yourself, a lot.

I have been married for 15.5 years.
To a man I love but he is not perfect.
Neither am I.
It has taken this long, for BOTH of us, to mature and to see each other... as being NOT the same as, each other.
I do NOT ever, expect him.... to be perfect.
If I am longing for something... you NEED to discern... if that is something that YOU have issues with within yourself... or if it is because of... the other person.
NO ONE, can fill an empty cave in ourselves, only we can do that.
My Husband, is not a gift giver. I do not take it personally. Why should I? He comes from a different upbringing and culture. I do NOT expect him, to be like me. I am a person that likes to gift people. So what. That is me. He is NOT me. I am, me.
Even if my Husband is not a gift giver.... he ALSO does MUCH more to show his caring. And THAT, is what counts.
If I always...denounced... HIS way of being caring to me, I would be just cutting out his heart. I do not, discourage him.... I encourage him. Even if, he is not giving me a "gift." Because, he does a lot of other things.... which counts, more.
And even if he is not a gift giver....he appreciates what gifts I do get him. But what is more meaningful to him, and he told me this, is that, he told me "No matter how much I piss you off, you NEVER put me down or insult me.... I really admire that...." He... as a Husband, notices that, and it means a lot to him. I don't even point it out to him. He just, knows.
That is what counts.

And the other thing is:
A Spouse, NEEDS to be able to SEE.... what the other person IS... doing. Not what they are always, not doing.

A person can fill their own cup. Or not. Or just expect the other spouse to do it. Or come to realize, that spouses are not, the same as you.

What ways does your Husband show he cares?
He must have his own way of it?
So, notice it.
Don't just notice what he "fails" to do.
...if you just keep telling a Husband/man what is he failing to do and you always act unhappy, then a man will... just stop even, trying.

Then, I have a sibling, that has SOOOOOOOOOOOO many EXPECTATIONS of people/friends/family... that SHE is just the problem. Not the others. NO one, can fulfill her. NO one.
And quite frankly, most people really dread... when it is her birthday or anything, because, nothing and no gift, seems good enough, to her... and nothing is sentimental enough to "her" liking. So then people/family just give her money for her gifts. Because then she can buy her own gift.
It is a one way street. And she will remind people of what she does for them. But she NEVER feels, that she gets the "same" things in return. But she does. But she does not see it. So, after awhile, NO ONE EVEN WANTS TO... try to please her or give her gifts. It is just too much. It is HER problem, within, herself.
And she ain't even married. But she does this, to the family and her friends. And it really is a drag, to everyone.

Even if your Husband, DID give you tons of gifts that were "sentimental"... WOULD THAT even, make you happier?

So he feels loved by acts of service and quality time, do you give him these things rather then gifts? If not, then you are both guilty of wanting the other to use your love language rather then their own. Does he give you "acts of service" such as maintaining your car or helping with things that you usually do? Does he give up time with friends to spend special time with you? In doing these things he feels he is doing for you the same thing you feel you are doing for him with a special gift. Try to see his acts of service as a special gift. While we can not change other people, we can often change our view of a situation and that allows us to see the other person in a softer, more fair, light.

Ah, this is a tough one. You need something that comes from the one you love. The one you love is not able to give you that. I don't know why, but I know that this is very common. I wish you the very best, either in figuring out a solution or accepting this quirk in your relationship. Please know that you are lovable and loved.

It's not OK. I am actually a weird exception where I didn't mind not getting gifts from my soon-to-be ex, but I see now that people are right and it's a nice thing to do. Our first Christmas together, I searched high and low for something he wanted badly and would never get for himself, AND I had something custom made for him that literally brought him to tears. Those items were under the tree for weeks as he got nothing. At the last second, he ran to the cheap drug store and got an awful cheap bath set. I don't even take baths. So I feel your pain. The next few occasions were equally weak, so eventually I quit getting him gifts and we did no exchanges-which I was actually fine with since money was always tight and one less thing to do.....then it came down to, "OK, I'm ordering myself a new pair of shoes for myself from you on Zappos for my birthday!" and we would both laugh. In all honesty the random gifts he did get me I never liked.

BUT. If it had been important to me or to him we would have done it. I never told him how I felt about the lame gifts, I just let it go. He didn't mind when I quit giving gifts, so it just fizzled out painlessly. You've made your positon clear, so this is downright MEAN of him.

No, you shouldn't really equate your total value as a mom and artist against his gift giving customs on certain holidays, BUT I see your point. You need him to figure this out or you will continue to be unhappy.

At the VERY LEAST stop getting his gifts and tell him why in advance. If you DON'T want to let this go and you will not rest until he becomes a good gift giver, spell it out again with some consequences when he fails like, "Don't expect me to make your dinner or do your laundry for a month the next time you can't figure out a way to order something nice online and take ten minutes to wrap it for my birthday" type thing. Make a clear list too so he doesn't fail. Demand one of the things on the list.

Yes, it would seem more heartfelt and romantic and touching if he thought of a perfect surprise for you-but he's not good in this department. He probably won't change. You have to take action.

***and btw, I'm the bad birthday person. I do NOT remember birthdays aside from my kids. Even my best friend fo 20 years knows I will NEVER know when her birthday comes so she always tells me what our plans are for her day in advance. I've had a couple of "If you don't remember my birthday without being reminded, you're not a real friend" types drop like flies out of my life, but you know what, they weren't that nice anyway. For this reason I NEVER expect people to remember mine, and I'm really forgiving on the gift thing. See if you can think of a weakness in yourself that will make you a little less angry at him for this. If he's more of jerk than just for gifts, more work may need to be done.

***Just read your other post: Love Languages Shmove languages. If you have done all this and he still REFUSES to get you a gift, he's being impossible on purpose. If you refuse to acknowledge love in any other way than receiving these gifts he's refusing to get-you may be in the right-but you're also being impossible. I think you guys have deeper issues. Sometimes you REALLY have to let stuff go no matter how important you've made it to yourself (you're failing), and sometimes you really HAVE to do things for people or they're hurt (your husband is failing). Sounds like you guys both need therapy for the issue honestly.

I really feel like there's no excuse for him not to bother with this. No time to get a gift? Really? He can't go to Amazon.com and order something? I think it's time for you to stop getting him gifts, and use that money to buy something for yourself at your birthday and Christmas. Choose something, wrap it up and let him watch you open your gift. There's really no excuse to not have time to buy a present - he can hop online and order tickets to a show, he can give you and IOU for dinner at a fancy expensive restaurant, he can order a gorgeous bouquet of flowers to be delivered to you, how hard is this? Clearly, it's not important enough to him to do this for you and doesn't care that he is hurting your feelings.

How is he in other aspects of your relationship? Is he emotionally there for you on a daily basis? Is he a good father to the kids? I have a feeling there is way more to this than gift giving.

Reading your SWH, I would imagine that the fact that your husband doesn't give you gifts is an act of passive aggression on his part. His refusal to give you gifts after your repeated (practically) begging is quite appalling. You just want to feel acknowledged and appreciated, right? And for you, it all boils down to one gift on your birthday or Christmas.

I don't think you are being unreasonable about wanting him to acknowledge your birthday or Christmas with a gift. But you might have to let it go anyway. Maybe if you drop the subject altogether, you won't be constantly disappointed by your husband's lack of generosity on special occasions.

It sounds like your relationship is trouble, and you two could benefit from some marriage counseling. That's great that you have read about the love languages, but you might want to be able to talk things through with the help of a disinterested third party. Your marriage sounds very one-sided. I hope you can find a better way to balance out the relationship. Best of luck to you.

That's a no brainer. I wouldn't get give him a damn thing for his b-day or Christmas. Especially if he knew how much it would mean if I got something, and he STILL didn't do anything for me? Done deal - he would get nothing. I would follow his lead. My husband didn't get my anything for Mother's Day one year. That Father's Day, I didn't get him a darn thing. He was hurt, and I looked at him and said - Oh, and you gave me what for Mother's Day?

My husband is like yours, would rather have a root canal than shop for a gift for me. I blew it years ago by returning a pair of earrings he got me that I wasn't crazy about. He told me to return them if I wanted to so I did and I got a pair that I love and still have. The problem is that now he feels like he can't pick out something that I would like. The solution... I buy my own gifts and he wraps them up.

This scenario has been working for years until my youngest daughter got wind that I'm buying my own gifts and she made me promise I wouldn't buy my own gifts anymore. That was last Christmas. So on the top of my list was a new purse. A very specific purse in a specific color that was only available through QVC. Mind you, I am not a purse person and only get a new purse every 10 years so I really wanted THIS purse. I promptly sent hubs an email with the link and specifically told him that this was the only place he could get this color and that this color would sell out soon so buy it now. Did he? No. I was SOOOO PISSED! When I asked him a week or two later if he got it (because I had not seen any charges on out account from QVC) he said no. I immediately jumped on line and ordered the purse in my next favorite color. That was the point where I said "I give". I will never again wait for him to buy a gift for me. I'm back to buying my own gifts and I'm super ok with that. He is very sweet and loving and shows me his love in other ways. I'm picking my battles and gift buying is not one of them.

I completely understand how you feel. I would love it if my husband thought of wonderful gifts for me and got them for me without prompting, but he doesn't. He is incredibly wonderful in every other way so I consider myself lucky that this is the only problem I have.

I hear what you are saying. It could be because your husband may be expressing his love in ways other than material gifts. I for one don't like material gifts, I prefer experiences that can be consumed and remembered, it also avoids clutter in the closet! SInce you started with "I love my husband and he loves me", I don't think there is an issue of lack of love, but a difference of expression of love. Would you agree?

I believe love is non-transactional, I give, you give is fine to an extent but we will be better if we move beyond that to a place where we express our love for each other on a daily basis, it's those few minutes I spent with my wife at the dinner table or making her a cup of coffee when she is tired and bogged down by work pressures that really counts.

Love can expressed in so many myriad ways day in and day out that there is no need for a special day to make it up for the whole year!

Maybe see if he would like to make an agreement for ya'll to not buy each other any gifts on any holiday? I don't know why he would act like that personally! I would feel just like you! Maybe if he stopped getting gifts, he might realize how mich he appreciates it and start getting you some! Take care!

Thank you so much for the varied responses. Just to clarify- We have read the love languages and discussed it. I feel loved by gifts and quality time, he feels loved by acts of service and quality time. He knows what I like. I have given him a wish list, I have even pointed out specific things to him. I have asked him to take me out shopping. I have done everything short of doing it for him, because I feel that this would be emasculating. I realize that for someone who doesn't have gifts as an important expression of love, my issue can seem rather shallow. But anyone who knows me knows that I am not a materialist person- I am a person who wants to know that my partner thinks of me when we are apart, as well as when we are together.