Kids Giving Mom Gifts...

Not to sound harsh but after 8 years maybe YOU are the one who needs to "process" and get it.
If he cared about this kind of thing he would make it happen.
It's just not that important to him.
Gifts are about the "thought" right, if he really doesn't care then what's the point?
Try to accept that and move on. Unless he's a bad husband and father in other ways then this is really kind of silly to hold onto. I mean you're an adult, why does it matter so much? Doesn't he love and appreciate you in other ways, or is that the real problem?

I never expected that the kids would spend their own money on gifts for me,their allowances were always small and meant to be their spending money. My husband really didn't take the kids to pick gifts for me. In more recent times, my daughter would try to tell him what to get me and he wouldn't listen. When my kids were elementary aged,they made gifts in school. My kids are teens now. My daughter has made me a couple of beautiful gifts in her ceramics classes and sometimes she and my son will chip in for a gift but I really view the gifting as my husband's responsibility til the kids are adults. I think the kids should be making you card, though.

To stick to the quasi-question: yes. He does. And I have never had to suggest it. He even does it in "secret" ... i.e.,he just takes them and goes. Yesterday, while I was at the movies with them (he'd already taken them shopping earlier that morning, while they were letting me sleep in) he went back into town, to buy a book he knew I'd like to read.

He sees these things as important. Not the gifts themselves, but the thought, the effort, the recognition that I am special in their lives.

OMG - I just had this on my mind and planned to post the exact same question for the exact same reasons that you stated!!!
I am continually disappointed in this way. I would like a little surprise every now and then. He doesn't have to take them to buy anything expensive, even if they picked out my favorite candy bar or a special treat would be enough to teach them about thoughtfulness and thinking of others on their special day.

This is why I hate these holidays. There is so much expectation and so much let down. HE is not YOU. He probably doesn't think about it. I don't care that my husband doesn't take my son out shopping. It's not a big deal to me. So...I wouldn't think to do that for my husband. If I knew it was really important to him (it's not) I would do it. I get that you take the kids and get random gifts. You do that, because you see the importance. Because, it's important to YOU, so you make it important for him. If it's not important to him to get these gifts from you, then he's really not going to just think of it.

Have you TOLD him, that this is important to you? You said "I'm just asking him to." But, did you actually ask him to? Like, point blank told him this is important and you think the kids and him should be doing this? If you haven't flat out said it, then he won't know. It's not fair to be disappointed in him if that's the case, that's really unfair.

ETA: I read your SWH. I think it's ridiculous you expect them to use their money to buy YOU a gift!! That's probably why he doesn't do it!! They don't have jobs, so they should have to budget gifts for you out if their piggy bank. If you want a gift, give them money!!!

Most men don't care about gifts the way women do.
I accepted this early on in our marriage, even before we had kids.
Once your kids are old enough they will make you presents and cards and it will mean a whole lot more to you than just shopping for presents EVER will, I promise!
Give your husband gifts if you truly find pleasure in it, but don't necessarily expect him to do the same thing. Men have different priorities, and that kind of thinking will just lead to resentment.
Thank God MY husband's priority is saving money because otherwise I'd be in serious trouble LOL!!!

I still have the home made cards my son made in his years. I always told him that they were much better than store bought. He is a good artist and it made him sit and think it through. He is an adult now and his gifts to me are still cost concious. This year, I told him to accompany me to the cematary after church to visit my parents--when I was last with him in April. I told him that would be my Mothers Day gift.

Personally, we're big on giving handmade gifts. A lot of the people in my family are artists or crafters but work in very different areas. I love getting handmade gifts - they're so much more meaningful to me. So my kids make presents for their parents. They're not spending money and it means something to them - not just something given for the sake of giving. In fact, our school hosts a "christmas" shop before the holidays, filled with trinkets that nobody needs, just so the kids can take their parents' money and buy them gifts. The idea is lovely - giving - but it's misguided. The children should be giving from the heart, not just buying for the sake of buying...

Your children may resent you for spending their money. Just have them draw a picture.

My children always make things for me. I've never expected my husband to take the girls out to pick something out. I certainly would NEVER expect the girls to spend their own money on me even if he did take them out to choose something. I would expect HIM to pay for it.

I had to explain to my husband in very clear terms: You have more than one important mother in your life. You're expected to honor your own mother and the mother of your children. It helps to teach your children to honor their mother by example.

But what I see with you and your husband is a control issue, and he's sort of being deliberately obtuse.

Him: What do you want for X?
You: Something from this list. I've written it down to make it easy for you. You could get something and have the children choose something "from them."
Him: But the children don't have money for anything.
You: That's fine, you have the money for it and then you tell them it's "from them."

First of all Mothers Day is NOT a "Hallmark Holiday". It began in the early 1900's by a church up North to honor and thank the women for all that they contribute to the family. Once this event was reported others around the country followed this wonderful tradition.

I love and honor my mom everyday, especially since becoming a mom. I loved her before, but once I held our child, I understood her love completely.

My stepmom, lost her only child, a daughter in a horrible tragic accident. I also adore her and her strength she is full of grace and will always be a mom.. It is an honor to be able to honor her.

And yes, my father always took us shopping. He used to have us give suggestions.. and of course he would "guide us". Once I was a teen and had access to my own transportation, I would take my sister and we would shop on our own.

Of course as children at school and at Sunday School we had projects and crafts to make things for our mom.. we also always made her a picture of some sort.

My husband has always loved giving me gifts and our daughter has always been quite talented and clever. Now that she is an adult.. she totally is aware of the perfect gift for me, for any occasion..

I actually forgot this year, I would be getting a "gift".. I was just so happy to have our daughter here with us, since she has not been here for the last 4 years, since she was away at college on mothers day. I was actually just looking forward to the funny card and wonderful breakfast. When they brought in the gifts.. I really was surprised.

I have been married over 30 years, here is what I have learned about men. They do not take hints. You have to state very clearly what your expectations are. Once your children are old enough also tell them what you want and expect.

Do not be shy. They will be relieved to know what will make you happy.

My husband usually has the boys make me something because he knows I will love that more then some store bought trinket. Maybe that would be a way to go if he does not feel he has time to shop? Ask him to sit with the kids and help them do a hand made card or picture.

ETA: Mothers day was started by Anna Jarvis - from West Virginia back in the early 1900's. In 1914 - Congress passed a Joint Resolution that Woodrow Wilson signed establishing Mother's Day. By the end of her life - Ms. Jarvis was deeply concerned over the commercialization of what she started...and yes...Mother's Day was celebrated by the Greeks (honoring Rhea)....however, here in the U.S....it's been commercialized and made into a "gift giving frenzy" instead of actually honoring mother's....
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C.:

Nope. Mother's Day is a "Hallmark Holiday"...do my boys do stuff for me? yes! They make me breakfast, lunch and dinner....or my husband makes reservations!!! :)

They make me their own cards...they don't go out and buy them.

My birthday? Darned tooting he better take them out and go shopping!!! Same for Christmas. But mother's day? Nope. I just want a day "off"...I don't want to "HAVE" to do anything....clean, cook, etc. I just want to BE!!!

If you are disappointed? You need to communicate with him what you expect. If it takes 3 years...it takes 3 years....it took my husband almost 10 years to figure out how I wanted to be treated on my birthday...each year he would try....but he just didn't get it. He's not dumb by any stretch of the means...birthday's were NOT a huge deal in his house...they were (and are) in my house...

Communicate with him!!! Tell him what you expect!!!

To me it sounds like your husband is not actually 'hearing' you. Like he hears words out of your mouth but he has not actually processed th importance of this to you. It isn't important to him obviously, so he has not received this info from you appropriately. It sounds to me like gift giving/receiving is one of your top two love languages, especially since you love on him by getting the kids out to get him things and get him thoughtful things throughout the year. So, I think maybe a better way to address this might be to read that book, 'The Five Love Languages', if he is open to that. My hubby and I actually just took he test in the back and read eachother's languages! It was faster! For you, if you can realize that he just doesn't ge that need in you and is not trying to hurt you, can help you in the now, bu it would be awesome for you to both realize your individual languages and start showing eachother love in those ways. My hubby and I just did this one day marriage workshop and it was awesome! We thought it would be so corny to do some of the listening exercises, but wow, it has been so great. The one we went to was offered through family services in our city and hosted at our church. So if you get the chance to do something like that I highly recommend it! Good luck and happy Mother's Day!

seems as if there are few different resentments getting tangled up here. i don't think either one of us made a particular point to take the boys with us and pick out the gifts for the other parent. we did it sometimes, sometimes we just picked something up on their behalf, told them about it and stuck their names on it. but there were usually little homemade things or cards or weedy flowers plucked with love and offered too. while i agree with you that taking them shopping is a lovely thing to do, and a nice tradition, i don't see it as a hill to die on.
but the 'rigamaroll' conversation has passive-aggressive and control issues written all over it.
he asks what you want. tell him.
he's being stupid by saying the kids don't have the money. what's up with that? both of you work out how much you think it's appropriate to have the kids 'spend', and when either of you take them shopping for the other, they can help the kids find something in that budget. i can't imagine making kids take money out of their piggy banks.
if you've had this conversation for 8 years and it hasn't worked yet, i don't know why you think it suddenly will this year.
do something different.
khairete
S.

I repeatedly said that I wanted nothing more than a nag free, good behavior day. They went shopping with dad and bought everything I said I didnt want-fake flowers, picture for the wall, candles, etc. They also washed my car and did some housework.
They were so excited to secretly pick out stuff with dad, and wash the car. They also made up some songs and poems and recited them to me throughout the day.
If I could have chosen a gift it would have been a new window treatment or wiper blades for the car.
I agree that dad taking the kids shopping is fun, and a memory making experience. It's not about the money.

I think if you have already had the conversation with him and things aren't changing, you need to change your view because it's not worth getting upset over it.

However, if your SWH is how the conversations go, you aren't being direct with him at all. Tell him what it means to you for him to do this. But if he doesn't want to or won't do it, don't let it be a source of frustration in your marriage.

When we were kids we never bought my mom gifts with dad from us. I suppose he bought her gifts but I really don't recall. My parents bought gifts for their parents and when we became adults we bought our parents gifts. My kids never bought me gifts until they were old enough to buy gifts themselves.

I guess in our family we see it for what it is, just an excuse to buy another gift. I mean why go out and buy another gift that is not being given by the child but by the parent. Do you need stuff that badly?

Now when we were kids we made stuff for our parents. See stuff we made was from us, not our dad buying stuff and putting our names on it, that is just silly.

Something I've learned in almost 20 yrs of marriage, they don't know what we don't tell them. We can't expect them to guess what we want/expect them to do. If you mentioned to him that you set aside some time for him & your children to go to the mall & he completely ignored it, then yes I'd be a little ticked. But if you expected him to do what you did, just because you do it all of the time, you are going to be sadly disappointed each and every time. I hate to be so blunt w/my answer, but I wish someone had given it to me straight up early on in my marriage, it would've saved me a lot of heartache.

Yes, my husband takes the kids out shopping. We only do small gifts, but they are meaningful. I think it's important to teach the children how to make others feel special. I would mention it to your husband. They don't have to spend a lot to make you feel special and loved. This year my husband didn't buy gifts, but cleaned the house for me. I think I like that even more!

If you want him to do this, talk to him about it. Be specific. "I want you to take them shopping and provide them money so that they can select gifts for me for my birthday. It would mean a lot to know they personally put thought in my gift."

Now, I let DD pick out the card, but at 4, I do have to guide her choices. I have already purchased Father's Day gifts for DH, but will also let her weigh in. If he likes to do online shopping, then gather the kids around the computer. My SD was 11 the year she sat down with a catalog and mail ordered Christmas gifts on her own dime. So if your kids are younger than that, they need guidance. And money. Heck, even now I'll tell the sks that if they are strapped they can go in on a gift I'm already buying or pay me back. The point is that their dad gets something.

The other thing to think about is what is his way of showing love? Is it acts of service rather than gift giving? Is he showing the kids that you can do something nice for someone and show you love them? That can be important, too.

Does he get you a present? My husband sometimes takes our kids and sometimes doesn't but always gets me something from him and the kids have homemade gifts for me. That's always been fine with me. My kids are 7 and almost 9. I don't expect or want them to,spend their own money on me but maybe your kids are a lot older. I think what's impt is whether the occassion is recognized by the family via something from a store from my husband and anything from my kids - homemade card or picture etc.

I think that sometime outside of one of these holidays/occasions you need to tell him very clearly that this is a big deal to you and what you expect from him: "When it's my birthday, Mother's Day or Christmas, it's really important to me that you take some time to take the kids shopping for a small gift for me. I know that you will be the one paying for it, but that's not the point. I want them to learn that it's important to think of planning for and getting gifts for other people, just like I help them plan for and get gifts for you. This is something that I remember enjoying doing with my dad for my mom when I was a child and it's an experience I want the kids to have with you. When you repeatedly don't do this, it disappoints me. Please understand that this is really important to me and just do it, OK?" And then a week before, remind him. See if having this conversation outside of an event and reminding him will help him to do what you want.

If it helps, the battle I'm gearing up for with my husband is that he doesn't actually say "Happy Birthday" or "Happy Mother's Day" to me and it really bothers me. My birthday is on or near Mother's Day each year so my parents or sister take care of bringing a cake. I don't expect multiple celebrations, or even gifts, but this year my birthday was a couple of days before MD and the kids all said Happy Birthday but that was it - not even a homemade card or anything from them. He didn't acknowledge the day at all and I know he didn't forget. We had talked earlier in the week about going out to dinner that night but he dragged his feet on getting ready so I just said forget it, let's get some takeout and watch the game and we can do dinner some other night when we're not as busy. When I went to pick up the pizza, he left and went to a bar to watch the hockey game, sticking me at home with 4 kids for the night. But doesn't see anything wrong with that, because we were celebrating my birthday on MD. Yes on MD I did get a birthday card from the kids as well as MD cards and some candy, but really, how ignorant to not take 5 seconds to actually wish your wife Happy Birthday on her birthday and at least pick up dinner. FWIW I of course make a big deal about his birthday on the actual day and when we celebrate with his family, which is usually on Labor Day. I don't get why they have to be so clueless and rude. You're not alone!

Yes, my husband always takes my son shopping for me on Mother's Day, Birthday etc. I don't really care if he did or not but I do appreciate it. My son doesn't use his own money for my gifts/cards though. I just wouldn't feel right about that. My husband usually lets him pick out what he wants to get me and then gives him the money to buy it. I do the same for my husband as well. Maybe you should have another talk with your husband and let him know just how much this means to you, and how much is hurts you when he doesn't.

My hubby does the same thing. Each holiday, he asks as he is walking out the door, at 3p the day before the holiday.

This year I got chocolate and a gift card to an ice cream shop. :)

I think part of the problem is that hubby is not creative. Give him a list. Be specific. Think medium - BIG!

This is something that takes time, and a lot of encouragement if it is what you want to make a part of your family routine. If it means that much to you, then you need to sit down with the hubby, at another time, NOT right before the occasion, and explain why you feel it is so important for the kids. Aside from the obvious, (the kids learn the joy of giving and not just recieving), it also can help with them learning to deal with money, learning the value of money, thinking about other people and really trying to pick things that would mean something to that person rather than an item that costs a lot, etc. Then, about a week or 2 before the next occasion when you would like him to take the kids out, ask him to pick and plan the outing. You will have the kids dressed and ready to go. All he needs to do is take them and help them with their shopping. Eventually, if he does this enough, you will no longer need to "have the kids ready" You won't even know that he is taking them out. This is how it started with our kids and my hubby many, many years ago. Our oldest 2 are in college now, and they even come home and take their younger siblings out to shop whenever they can. At Christmastime, we all take turns bringing the younger 2 out to shop. We have them write a list of the people who they would like to shop for, and then we take them out with their money, (provided by us, but NOT a lot of money) , and they cross people off of the list as they make their purchases. It has become a tradition for our family, and my children actually look forward to this more than they do most of our other traditions. They have all learned how much joy you can get in buying (or making) a gift for someone else, and they put a lot of time and thought into each gift they give. Even our 11 year old son thinks long and hard about what he will give to each person on his list. I don't think your hubby's resistance on this is because he doesn't care, he just doesn't think that the kids will get you anything worth giving. Men tend to look at things a bit differently sometimes. I don't know how much my hubby would have loved the silly little gifts that I have gotten over the years from my kids, but to me those items are simply priceless. :) Once your man understands the importance of your wish, he will come through for you, and your family can start a whoile new tradition that will help your kids to be thoughtful, caring, and wonderfully generous gift givers for life. Good luck, and Happy Mothers day!!

Nope. Wrote him a letter about it last night. I told him I don't care if they even buy me anything- a flower picked from my garden, a hand drawn card... just something to recognize the day. My oldest is 9 and didn't make anything at school this year, yet isn't mature enough to think about making a card on his own (probably because of the example dad has set about not recognizing special days). He didn't do anything for his mom either. He thinks since he wrote a mass e-mail to his tee ball team wishing all the mom's a nice mother's day and including me in on it he did his job. And when he got the sprayer for the garden hose that was the gift (which would have been fine had he said "Hey this is your mother's day gift" but we got it Friday and he installed it saturday and never mentioned a thing about it being for mother's day until I brought up that he didn't do anything for mother's day.

sorry to disappoint but even after 10 year marriage he won't get it. mine doesn't.

I hear ya...and it frustrates me too that my husband doesn't do this. Not sure what else to say except you're not alone.

Yeah, my husband takes our daughter shopping for something for me for Mother's Day. birthday, etc. He gives her a set amount of money and lets her pick her out whatever she wants. Then they get me flowers and he and she each make me a card.
I do the same with her for Father's Day, birthday, etc.

This was one of my issues with my husband. My kids are grown now but I'm still kind of annoyed at him about it. *I* always had to be the one to make sure that my kids made me something, usually by reminding them a couple of days in advance that there was a special day coming up.

I think you really need to push this point with your husband, so that you won't be mad at him later, and so that your kids can learn to be thoughtful.

"Husband, the ONE main thing I want you to do for all my special occasions is make sure that the kids make me a card and/or get me a gift." And hammer that home. The day before the occasion, remind him again: "Husband, tomorrow I want to receive something from the kids, so you will have to orchestrate that." You need to be really blunt, since he's ignored it for 8 years already.

I think if your husband is not doing it on his own, you need to tell him how to do it. I tell my husband what I want to be dome and I plain tell him it is his job to make sure the boys respect and honor their Mother. This MD my husband was traveling, but he called me and his mother. The kids knew about MD two weeks before the actual day and my younger one gave me hand crafts, cards, flowers (I gave him money and told our nanny to go and help him buy flowers for me), my older one did nothing, I told him how upset I am that he chooses yet again to ignore the only person who cares most about him. I do expect my kids to make cards, buy flowers, give hugs, and say appreciation words to me. I think you are right to expect that from your kids as well. I think your husband needs the expectations spelled out, some guys do not get it.

Oh...I am so sorry. Sounds like you guys are having a rough go of things...and there are some back history issues that keep him from "listening" to your pleas.

You have asked him to do it and he isn't. Soooo, teach your kids the lesson you are wanting to teach them and get some cute gifts at the end of the day. YOU take them out to shop for YOU for Mother's Day. Have them pick out a little something for their grandmas...and for YOU. Teach them to look at the price and that it needs to be under a specific amount. Or just go to the Dollar Tree Store so that you know 3 items equals 3 buckaroos.

Then give them the 3 dollars to go up to the register to pay for it while you stand back so you don't see the "surprises".

This would teach them many lessons about gift giving, thriftiness, and how to go shop and pay for items. Then tell your husband about the exciting adventure. I am not sure the gender of your children..but if you have boys then make sure they are raised to honor,cherish and show appreciation for the women in their lives.

I am sorry your husband doesn't find joy in doing these things for you. Make your Mother's Day what you want it to be next year!! I know you want your husband to be creative and thoughtful...but it doesn't sound like you picked one of those men. Maybe he will soften after seeing a few holidays of you buying your own gifts.

Happy Day after Mother's Day!

I know my husband has his strengths and his challenges: doing gift shopping with our son is not one of strengths. That said, he did get me exactly what I wanted and made the day wonderful --- my son cannot be said to have made that effort entirely. (I think he felt a little sorry for himself that the day was "all about you Mom"... it's just immaturity. He doesn't get it that most of the year, many of my days are all about him.)

Kiddo did bring home a sweet art project/gift from school and I'll be thanking the teachers for making that happen. AND our neighbor (we trade kid-care) had him on Saturday, so SHE made sure I had a gift (beaded necklace made by him). I think I'll really need to spell things out for next year for my husband, but I cannot complain-- he really made an effort to make the day pleasant, and even did the trash/recycling chores for me that I usually do on Monday, just to make the next day easier too.

I, too, had a semi-disappointing mother's day. And I have to agree with Bug's comment - it's the expectations...it freaks everyone out. My husband is so concerned about making me happy that he makes me unhappy. He frets about whether I like the food he makes, constantly peppering me with questions about how he should cook something, etc. It would be easier if I cooked it myself. As it was I bought my own dessert for dinner because I knew he would forget and the only gift was a gas grill, which is great, but we were going to get one anyway. My daughters' were great though. But, he didn't take them to buy gifts. I guess the grill was from them too. I'm glad it's over.