Relationship Advice Needed..I Need Help Before We Crash!!! #1

Try writing him a letter telling him how you feel. Hand it to him and wait for him to read it. See if he responds. I've done that when my husband and I can't seem to communicate over an issue. It works for us. We normally have great communication. We even send each other little messages by text or email just to say we love each other or brighten each other's day.

I agree that prayer is a wonderful way to go. God has a way of making the solution plain for you. Just ask Him for guidance.

You need to be the one to determine if your relationship is worth salvaging. Not your friends or family. They don't love him like you do. Your daughter is also very important to your decision. Think of how it will or is affecting her.

Men are not emotional like women and do not communicate like we do. They think in terms of fix it, not discuss it. Counseling is a great idea if he is interested in continuing the relationship. Some men reject that since they don't think they need it. I don't know what the issue is but it must be major if it is causing a rift. Decide if it's important enough to split up over. If not, let it go. I would make sure everything is better between you before I would consider marriage or cohabitation. Because neither of those will resolve the issue.

Hope this helps. I've been married 35 years with 2 married daughters and a single son so I've a seen a little bit.
K.

Men never communicate the same way a woman does. Forcing communication isn't always a good thing. Go watch the video here http://sarathacker.blogspot.com/2008/05/men-vs-women.html It's a funny look at how men see things and how women see things. I've been married for 17 years and I would say that backing off from pushing communication is way better than forcing the issue. Understanding his needs is just as important as him understanding yours. There are some great books out there about communication. Speaking of Love by Fred and Anna Kendall is a must have.

S., I believe that what is bothering him is deep set and you did not put it there.Men do not like confrontation and the more you push, the least he wants to share his thoughts with you. Either drop the whole subject and move on. The arguments should tell you alot about the person, and the unability to speak to you. Be fearfull of moving in with him, if the situtation does not get resolved, you are a parent and have a responsibility to your little girl. Get some faith in God and you already know this is not an ideal partnership, that is why we have instincts.Do not blame yourself for giving him a hard time you sound educated and employed and sensative. You are not a desperate woman who accepts a man who cannot open up. Please take care you have yourself and your daughter.

I think you need some space from this man. You have to think of your daughter, she is what is important, and as someone who is over 40, and has seen a few things, this guy is not your husband, or the father of your child. Step back. If he is suddenly creating drama, is he trying to tell you something? Your first obligation is to your child. She sees this drama, and all she really has is you. Your friends are NOT just on your side, they see things that you do not. It is hard to meet nice people...he may be nice...but not for you. Trust your gut. You already know what to do. If you were alone, I would say, try to work it out. But this guy is no blood relation to your child. Put your child before this guy.

Hello!
Being in a relationship is always hard no matter what! It is the most difficult situation in the world to have 2 people to try to live as a couple! It is worth it. However, having been married for 28 years, I would make some suggestions.
First of all, no sex before marriage. This way , emotions of how "wonderful" you both are do not cloud the relationship.
If he really loves you, he will want to marry you. If not, it is a dead end relationship going no where and you and your daughter deserve better.
Let him be the one to get the relationship back on track. If he is not interested now, he will be less interested in the future. Many people seem wonderful at first. All relationships have conflict . If you do get married, all marriages lose love feelings and you have to work at it to get it back. You have to spend daily time together like you were courting. You have to snuggle and put aside differences at times. You have to look at the positive side a lot and not let the negatives take over and destroy a relationship.
This does not sound like a mature relationship. It takes commitment. If he does not want to marry you, it is not worth either of your time. Do not give away sex. You are giving no man a reason to marry you. You are just a play thing in reality.
Being a Christian makes it easier for me because I can ask God for help and ask for feelings of love and compassion for my mate.
Words are nice , but don't mean much. It is action that counts. If he does not want the relationship enough to fight for it now, he certainly will not fight for it later when it gets harder.
You sound like a warm and caring person I wish you the best! Going to a church might help. Having a man talk to a pastor sometimes can help. However, each person must be motivated to want to work hard in a relationship. You can not give him that motivation. You can tell by his actions if he really desires a mature , committed relationship.
Blessings to you! Let us know what happens!
Sincerely,
C. N.

I read this last night & what I got was this is a good man that you love but something has happened that has put a rift between you and you don't know how to fix it.. and obviously neither does he.. I would suggest that you go to a good counselor ( I have one if you are interested )and discuss this in a setting that's conducive to settling this. You will soon know whether or not he will be joining you for a session to get this out in the open or whether you will be parting ways. I'm 42 and know now that sometimes I can't fix it on my own.. when I come up against something that we (my husband & I) can not discuss rationally or we can't get over.. I give it some time and if it is still affecting us that I book an appointment with our counselor. Whether or not he is the 'one' will come. It will also tell you alot if he agrees to come with you for a session - in agreeing, he will be letting you know you're important, the problem's important & that he is willing to try.

Hi S.,
As I was reading your request for help,only one thought came in mind you need to really pray and leave it in the hands of Jesus he can heal broken marrages,the sick and anything you need if you are living for him and give this to him and ask him to help, and he will be done and belivie that it will be so then Jesus will fix it. If you are not in a church find one and put Jesus in your life and family. I will remember you and your family in my prayers. If you need a church Cornerstone Family Church in Garland would love to have you there.

Above all else, put your daughter first. I'm not sure of your exact problem, but if you thinks he's worth it, suggest couples counceling. That is a safe controlled environment that might get you past this problem, or at least give you some answers. Good Luck

It's really hard to give you direction without knowing what the initial issue was. For instance, was he cheating on you, stealing your money, hitting you, abusing your daughter, verbally abusing you, etc...?

I think you are smart enough and old enough to know if the initial situation you speak of should be a deal breaker in your relationship. If it should not, than I say dive in head on and talk about it. You can rest assured it can't make anything worse than it already is (unless the situation was something minor and you are just nagging him needlessly). The point is, do you love him enough to swallow your pride and work things out? Do you love him enough to take the first step towards healing regardless of who is right and who is wrong (because at this point does it really matter)?

I think, when you talk to him, you will find that he is hurting and lonely in this situation as well.

My biggest suggestion for you is: DO NOT under any circumstances fight with him in front of your daughter. She is only four years old and seeing you fight with a man can be terrifying....and, if you plan on staying with him, she will harbor resentment at him for what she considers mistreatment of her mommy!

Ask yourself, "Is this man good enough to stay in my daughter's life? Can I have a healthy relationship with him so my daughter will know what a relationship should look like so she won't fall into a bad relationship when she is older? Can I forgive the previous hurts and move past it?

Think about your daughter first...she IS your FIRST priority and she deserves a better family situation than two adults who are constantly fighting. Your love for a man is not enough when you compare it to the emotional well being of your child.

I will be praying for you to make the right decisions and take the right steps for healing to you all. Sometimes, in a relationship, we have to swallow our pride and step up to the plate to help the healing process begin.

Men don't always think (with the correct brain). If you want to talk about it, you need to bring it up. Talk to him with no distractions and tell him exactly what is on your mind. Some thoughts need to be sugar coated but for the most part, straight and to the point is the answer.

Hi S.,

From what you have written, it sounds as though you and I are very similar. I am a full-time working mom, very driven in a face paced and competitive career. I have high expectations for myself and tend to place those same expectations on other people. It is unfair, but it is a habit I am in. I am working on it. :) Also, I can be pretty stubborn and opinionated. My husband is also a hard worker and driven. However, he is a little more tender hearted, is more laid back and takes things as they come. That said, he is not a great communicator, either. A lot of it has to do with him being a man.

I have found that a lot of the times, when we are fighting a lot, it is because I have placed unrealistic expectations on myself or on him or both.

We had a really rough patch for nearly a year and are working on it now. Turns out, communication was our issue as well. He would just assume I was feeling a certain way based on comments I would make that I considered to be trivial or flippant. He would then act on those assumptions, but I didn't know that. We had a big blow up and when I told him I was contemplating what was next - separation, divorce, etc., he let me know that in his mind, those weren't options because he wanted to stay together.

We have been working on communication in small steps. Also, we set aside one night a week for "date night" without our daughter. For example, if we have set aside Thursday at 7:00 and all of the sudden something blows up for me at work, I keep our date as though it were an appointment.

We use these dates to talk about our relationship, or just to have fun. Lately, they have been more fun than anything and I feel that changing my priority to him #1, then work and our daughter after that has helped.

So, I guess what I would say to you is to find what you can change in your heart and your habits as well. Ask him to communicate, but recognize that you may have made this hard for him. I would tell him that, too! If you think you have gone too far, chances are you have. You know your relationship and what's in your heart more than anyone else. It doesn't sound like the relationship is beyond repair. You need to believe that it's not about right and wrong - it's about being open and honest with each other. Tell him that as well, but unless you believe that's true, he may still have a hard time opening up to you in the future.

As far as the issue you feel you guys need to discuss, you may need to be patient before you bring that one up again. I would be surprised if he brings it up. Guys tend to think that once a conversation is over, all is resolved. I would focus on getting on track with communication first and then you will know when the time is right to revisit the issue that is gnawing at you. The key will be to not let it get to you for a little bit. Get the relationship and communication back on track first. Then, you can address bigger things. Plus, you may find that once you guys become better communicators, that the issue may not bother you as much. During the process, if you feel the urge to be angry again or blow up, I would encourage you to bite your tongue and take a break from the conversation or leave the room. Speaking from experience, this usually works better in the long run. If something is about to come out in anger, you will probably regret it later.

There are a few books out there, too. We have been reading His Needs, Her Needs. Next, I would like to try Fire Proof Your Marriage.

Best of luck!