Resenting My Husband for His Job

There are LOTS of things you can do!!! I'm an expert at this! I've been an Army wife for 12 years. We've NEVER lived near family (we are currently in KS and family is in FL). And, during the past 8 years my husband has been deployed to Iraq more than once (he's there right now). So, I am a single mom for 6-12 months at a time. I have 3 kids (5y, 2y, and 6mo). Here are my suggestions:

*Join a gym. You get to work out and they have childcare for the kids.
* Meet other moms! Have play dates at first and then switch off watching each others' kids.
* Find a MOPS (Moms Of PreSchoolers) group in your area. They usually have monthly meetings and childcare is provided.
* Check your local library. Most libraries have story time that is free. Great way to meet other moms!
* Find a Play, Bounce, Jump or Monkey Bizness type place (inflatables for kids). It's usually around $7.50 per kid (your infant will be free). You can meet moms and let the 2 year old run around and get tired. Even if you went once a week, that would only be $30 a month.

You can do it! Find the positive! And, if being a SAHM is not for you, then get a job and put the children in childcare.

My motto is: Somebody always has it worse!!

You have several good suggestions here for the short term. Most focus on what you can do. I believe marriage and child-raising needs to be an equal partnership. This work situation may be working for him (although he seems to be missing a lot of parenting time), but it is not for you.

Even in "this economy", successful, hard-working, employed businessmen have job options. If his current company will not negotiate his work schedule, then he should start looking for one that allows him to be home more with his young family.

You are looking forward to the future right now, your hubby is working towards that. All the suffering you both do with this schedule is going to pan out come prom time, college time, wedding time, and retirement time. He is suffering too. Getting on planes, doing presentations or whatever he has to do when he's there, sleeping in hotels alone... I'm sure he has lots of thoughts of how things could be easier as well. BUT, I bet his job is a good one and not worth risking. The kids will get older, you will get better at keeping yourself occupied, it will all become easier with each day that passes.
Sounds like you have a good thing going. This little emotional valley you are in is quite temporary. Think about some of the really negative postings we get here from single moms that are struggling.... they would probably love to have a husband with a job rather he travelled or not.
Buck up sistah it's a beautiful day :)

Oh dear Anne- Your post is so, so similar to my life- down to the fact that we had a son who had colic, and our first son who had a severe sensitivity to the noise and stress of the constant crying. I am also an artist who gave up much of a very successful showing life when our second son arrived. My husband travels about half of every month and he just got back from a longer stint of three weeks- after which I cried for several hours just from the exhaustion of holding it together with two active boys. That being said- two years ago when son #2 was born, I started having anxiety attacks and suddenly became incredibly insecure about everything. This was a complete turn around for someone who never cared much what others thought of me- and I realized that I might be heading toward post-partem depression. So- I sat my husband down and had a serious conversation. I told him that bottom line I was not cut out to hold the whole home thing together- and pointed out that mine was the life that had changed the most dramatically when we started our family. I told him that I needed help- and more help when he was away. Of course, he brought up the idea of having me get a job and us getting daycare and I just reminded him that I had told him before we had children that I didn't want them if we were going to let someone else raise them. I just pretended I was a kind bull standing strong in my meadow :) and made my statement and waited. He tried to tell me we couldn't pay for it, but I said that if I were to end up in a psych ward, we'd have to figure out how to pay for child-care anyway... I needed him to know how serious I was. I even told him I was willing to move to a cheaper part of the country, or sell our house and rent or get rid of one car- but I didn't budge on needing help. In the end- he accepted and I have had about 10 hours a week of babysitting help (I am usually here when she is here- cooking, or cleaning, doing yard work, laundry, etc.) I haven't had new clothes in years, I have to pinch here and there, we got rid of one car and refinanced our house- and still we have gone into some debt over the two years to do this. And still- it took about two years before I stopped feeling resentful when my husband was eating out at posh restaurants while I was trying to get a shower every three days... So- all I can say is- tell him what you need- let him know you love him- let him know how seriously you are suffering. Get some help. Then- definitely find a group of moms who have children of the same age- that has helped me as well. In addition, as soon as you can- take an art class. I recently took a class in photoshop (although I am a painter) and it empowered me to have some place I HAD to go once a week, and homework to do. I met some great people and it was wonderful to focus on myself as an artist, not myself as a mom those few hours a week. Be kind to yourself. This was the most difficult transition I have ever had to make in my life- even though I adore my boys so much! Oh yes- another thing that has helped me is to get out in nature with them. I don't know where you live or how comfortable you are with that, but the out of doors has a very calming influence on everyone. At least once a week, I put one in the backpack, and let the other walk and we go walking where there are just the sounds of birds and a creek to throw rocks in, and greenery.
Please feel free to send me a personal email anytime. I know you can get through this time and keep a happy marriage- with some help. You deserve it.
All the best, S.

Anne, I think you are the best mom. You are without a doubt handling things with grace and the fact that you care so much about your kids to stay home shows how gernerous you are. That being said, here is my suggestion. Join a mom group and try to get involved with other mothers for that adult conversation that we so need after caring for our children all day. Make plans with your husband that when he is home, you get to escape for a weekend whenever possible to recharge your batteries. You need this a so much. Mother's give so much of themselves that if we don't take care of ourselves then we are no good to our kids, or our husband. If you take the time or a weekend where he deals with the kids without any help from you, then maybe he will be more understanding to your needs.

Also let the artist in you out, get on Etsy if you want and sell some of your artwork there. That is what my artist sister-in-law does, and she gets by. You are in desperate need of attention and you need to let your husband know that you need a break too. After he gets home go to the gym, or get a massage, something that is strictly for you. I would definitely join a mom's group though because that will help tremendously. Hang in there beautiful mom, you can do this and once you explain all this to your husband, i'm sure he will understand and try to help out more.

A couple of things that come to mind that may help you. First, I would find a reliable mother's day out program or something similar so that you can have some time to yourself. Second, I would contact your doctor and possibly a counselor. It sounds like you could possibly be suffering from PPD. Third, try something new. Get out of that house. Join a gym or a mommy group in your area. If you dont have friends that don't have children or don't understand, find some that do. Read the paper, check community events, find a more extravert hobby, and stop staring at those walls in the house. Being cooped up all day will only make your depression worse and continue a vicious cycle.
Last, you need to stop being so resentful towards your husband's job. Is it possible that your resentment in your husband's "excitement" is because of your own personal demons? You are a very luck lady to have a husband that can provide a rather confortable lifestyle that enables you to stay home and not work. Lots of mother's wish they had the means to be a "50's" housewife and mother. I'm sure you value your art work as a passionate hobby, but would it match your husband's income if he quit or lost his job? You really need to sit down and think about where you are in life and how it compares to the world around you. Good luck.

I think how you're feeling is perfectly normal for the situation. You do need to talk to your husband, but not to demand that he quit his job. Tell him you need his help. That you're feeling overwhelmed. Ask him to come up with ideas. You said that money is tight, but maybe you can cut back in some area that will be able to afford you a mother's helper or something. Even having a cleaning service that comes in once a week would lighten your load.

I would also talk to your husband about how you are starting to resent his job. That you realize that he's excited about his first class accommodations and exciting parties, but that he has to realize that you're sitting at home dealing with the most unglamorous parts of life. I don't think he realizes just how polarized your situations have become - otherwise, he might temper his descriptions. Tell him you realize that he's not trying to intentially hurt your feelings, but that it's happening none-the-less.

Then tell him that you are happy that he loves his job, but that you need some excitement in your life too. How can you make that happen together? Say you decide to hire a nanny 3 days a week - you might be able to pursue your artistic talents or teach a class. Tell him that you love him and appreciate all he does, but that you need the same.

Also, suggest getting a sitter and going out on a date during the week. If he can cut back on his schedule every once in awhile, that would show you that he loves you and that he's making an effort to balance his work/life.

Good luck!

Anne, all I can say is that you need to get some help - if it means giving up another luxury, do it. You can't put a price on your sanity. As you're in LA you should be able to find a babysitter for 10-12 an hour (use jen's list to find a sitter/mother's helper) and if it means not doing something else you normally budget for - lose some of your premium cable channels, (or whatever is a luxury) just do it. Get someone to come in as many hours a week you can afford. This phase won't last forever, it will probably be fine in 6 months. I also have a 2 year old & a newborn & know this is just a tough stage. Even if all you do is sleep when she comes, its worth it. Good luck to you!

My friend, has 3 kids. 3 boys.
3 VERY VERY active young boys.
Her Husband, travels a TON internationally for his job, and has long work hours, daily. It is a stressful job. Very demanding. Her Husband, is very in demand in what he does.
But, she goes nuts.
He is a nice guy and good Husband and Dad.

She/they do not have family where they live either.
And all her friends are busy too, with their lives/kids too.

He got my friend, a Nanny, to help her 3 times a week, in the evenings. Because that is the time she needed help most.
Then it gives her a sort of breathing space, for lessening stress.
Getting her a Nanny... was not considered a "luxury" but for his WIFE... and her well-being and sanity and happiness.
THUS, it was a necessary... option. AND because, he was not home a lot. He KNEW this and how it made it hard on his wife and kids.

See... if your Husband, can do that, for you. For his kids.
Your Husband, is away so much due to work, so... HE has to be a PART OF THE SOLUTION TOO. Not just expecting you, to handle it all.
Because... even if he is away, he is STILL a "Husband", Dad, and a part of the home and family.
Being away, does not "Exempt" him, from that, nor from trouble shooting difficulties for his Wife/family/kids and household. Daily.

all the best,
Susan

Ann,

I can feel your exhaustion and overwhelm. It's so understandable & you are amazingly rational and clear headed considering that you're not sleeping and coping with a toddler.

I don't know that i have any good advice to offer - i was going to suggest a night nurse, but it sounds like that is not feasible - but i can offer myself as a friend! I am in Redondo as well & have 3 kids, a husband who works a lot (though who mercifully does not travel) and no help from family (so i know, at least a little bit, where you're coming from).

Feel free to email me off list :)

M.

You sound like one tired mamma.

First off, take a shower. Shower's are powerful things. Wether its 2a., 5a. 3p. Whenever you get a chance, take a shower. The power of freshly washed hair is powerful. My husband used to get up at 4a every day and was out the door by 430a. I would get up at 3-30a and take a shower so that if the baby woke he could take care of it, then go back to bed.

If you don't think you can take time for a shower, take a sponge bath. Wash your hair in the sink. If you don't think you can do that. Put your bathing suit on and have your toddler take a shower with you.

Second. Put of fresh clothes EVERY day. I once went a week straight living in my nightgown. I was disgusting. I was overwhelmed!

Thirdly, I would call your church pastor, or if you don't go, then call the church closest to you. Explain your situation and see if they could arrange for some older ladies or Grandma's to come help watch your toddler for an hour or so so that you can shower and rest.

Fourth. Give your toddler ear muffs to sleep with. The muffs will block out the noise of the crying baby. Another option would be to run a music CD of lullaby's in his room at night so that he'd be distracted.

Your close friends don't have kids, put maybe if you ask them they'd be willing to come take him to the library or the park or the beach for a little bit so that you can get a break.

If you have the 2 kids sleeping in the same room, move one of them out and back to your room, or a guest room.

As for talking to your husband about cutting back. I completely understand that. My husband used to work 6 days a week, rotating shift. As someone who has been laid off and waited 10m for a new position, my advice is to not mess with the current income.

If hubby gets home at 9p, then he's on duty from 9p-11p and you get to go exercise, sleep, etc.

As for exercise, take the kids with you. Buy a double stroller and take them for a long walk. to the beach. to the zoo. just get out of the house and be distracted.

Hugs from a mom that HAS been there.
M.

I totally understand your frustration, but take it from someone who's husband just got laid off, again, be happy he has a job, in this terrible economy right now. maybe try joining a mom's group for support also..best of luck to you!

Oh Anne,
Can I ever relate. Although my husband did not travel near as much for his job, he stayed glued to his office (which was in our home) and would come out around 8 or 9 PM well after my son had gone to sleep and just as I was heading to bed. He would often say that he wished he could help out more, but couldn't. And I honestly believe that part of this was that our son stressed him out so much that he felt that he wouldn't have enough energy to work.
So, what's a girl to do? First, you need to get help!! Either get a family member to stay with you for a month or so, or hire a babysitter to come for 3-4 hours a few times a week. I know finances are tough, but you can cut back in other areas to allow for this. It is a necessity much like air and water.
What you are experiencing is exhaustion. Lack of restorative sleep (where you wake up feeling rested) is vital for good functioning and will eventually lead to all sorts of problems. In my case it advanced me into severe PPD and heart palpitations, insulin resistance issues, etc.
Take time to take care of you.

I am sending you a big hug!! I don't have any advice, as I understand the just making it by with the income that you do have coming in. (We just got our third pay cut for the same job...so things I used to be able to afford have been wiped off the budget...like Mother's Day Out, and any other extras like an occasional babysitter...I have been saving for two months to afford our Valentine's dinner out). My DH works seven days a week, the weekends he is rebuilding the back of our house that collapsed due to water damage. So sun up to sundown he is home but not really...he is building non-stop...the remodel is now in its 15th month.

I am also in the arts and I haven't lifted a sketchbook or a brush in literally years. Sense I was pregnant with my daughter (the paints I use have heavy metals in them...and why risk it...)

Anyways back to you...my kids are a bit older now so they can entertain themselves with minimal supervision. But when I was in your shoes with 2 very little ones...I joined a MOPS group. They met twice a month and had volunteer grandparents who watched our kids while we ate a meal we didn't have to cook, alone with no one needing help or asking us to get them something...sometimes we had a speaker or did a craft. I went home refreshed after 5 hours of just mom time.

Oh with the toddler...does he still nap? We made my son's room one big totally childproofed "crib"...I would gate him in at nap time with a safety gate and he had to stay in there while he napped and a bit after that to play quietly when he woke up. He would call out to me (I would be passed out from exhaustion on my bed with the newborn in the swing next to me) is it time to come out yet?? And I would tell him just a few more minutes...and most of the time he would play for at least another 30 and I would nap.

We don't have family that can help us either...although some live close...which I think is even harder (they have told us point blank not to call them, they don't babysit, period).

I guess I am just letting you know you are not alone. I almost wish my husband's weekend work was out of town and I wouldn't have to fix dinner, just make pb&j or grilled cheese and call it a night.

big HUGS!!

.

This may sound silly, but why is he working out of town only on weekends? That seems odd to me for a variety of reasons... My DH also travels a ton. However, we made an arrangement, which he sticks to rigorously (unless he has to travel to Europe), that he can ONLY be traveling for work during weekdays -- never weekends. I also work full-time, so being a f/t working single mom is already hard enough on weekdays. I know it would be very hard to be a single mom every day of the week. Thus, my suggestion is that maybe you can ask your DH to talk to his management to figure a way to work only weekdays. You are doing a great job hanging in there with your current arrangement for 20% of the weeks throughout the year. You definitely need to have a serious talk with him to figure out a more manageable travel schedule. Best wishes!

Have you talked with him about him getting a different job? It may not be easy right now, but if this is important to the family (and it should be to him, he is missing out on his kids growing up as well as spending time with you), he can start looking now. And while he may be great at his job, your art is just as important. If you get a sitter, or part time nanny (or some other arrangement) part time, will you have enough time for your art that it will at least pay for the child care? If so, it is probably worth doing for yourself. Your kids will likely be better off with a sane happy mom and some time with childcare than with an exhausted, unhappy woman.

You are very smart to think realistically about your needs and then put them on the table with your husband.

When I was married to my older son's father, he didn't travel but he did work nights. He was miserable doing it but seemed resistant to making any change. With a very young baby it crushed my spirit. Our marriage later ended (I'm not saying it was his fault either). I'm happily remarried and have been for a long time, but my kids have suffered the effects of divorce (even my younger child because his brother is away part of the time). My children are the lights of my life, and I know they are both meant to be here - I just wish that they didn't have to deal with certain things.

My point is this: Don't let yourself or your marriage get to that point. If this is not working for you, please communicate with him so that you guys can be a team and raise this family together. I don't think you're being unreasonable, especially if he doesn't make a significant amount of money. There are other jobs out there (I would advise that he get another job before he leaves this one, especially in this economy).

Having young kids like you do is one of the most stressful times in a married couple's life together. You really need him and there's nothing wrong with that. He should not leave you feeling abandoned, or that could lead you guys down a bad path.

JMO.

Good luck.

HI Anne,

You have your hands full, don't you? :-) You've gotten great ideas, so I'll just add a couple local resources for you: get involved with your local MOM's Club. You can probably sign up to have meals delivered to you home for a bit, and then "pay back" the favor by helping other families down the road when your life is less frantic. Also check out the South Bay Adult School Mommy & Me classes. They are a great way to get to know other parents, and you'll eventually be able to swap playdates/child care.

Also, look into the Journey of Faith Mom's Morning out program. It's child care for about 3 hours twice a week (you sign up for whatever dates you want) at a reasonable price. Put both kids in one morning a week, go home and SLEEP!!! :-)

These ideas will help you get connected with other moms so you don't feel so isolated. It's no fun having to be a single parent 24/7 for long stretches. My husband traveled for several weeks at a time when our son was young. It's tough, especially with 2 tiny ones.

Do what you can to get connected with other moms, do the minimum around the house to keep it more or less sanitary, and ask your husband to pick up the slack whenever he's home.

Hang in there, it will get better!
C.

You should start out by looking at a gym with childcare. It would give you a little bit of time away and the exercise would be so good for you.

Also-I would suggest that you guys need to dig deep as to where you can come up with some extra money for a sitter. There has got to be somewhere in your budget that you can shake this loose-I would start by looking closely at your husbands expenses. Does he drink Starbucks, does he ever go out with the guys and drink beers after work-I know that work probably pays for a lot of his expenses on his fancy trips but I would be surprised if they covered everything. It is often those little expenses that add up. Also-what kind of cars do you guys drive? I know people who cannot afford many extras because they are in a Navigator where a Ford would do the trick. If that is your case then sell the car for a cheaper one. You may even want to look into a day a week in daycare for the kids so you would have a day to work on art or do whatever. If you can actually sell your art then that would pay for it.

When your husband IS home I an hoping that he gives you lots of time for yourself-if not I would demand it.

I would be jealous of all the cool stuff he gets to do as well...do you think you would feel different if he were stuck somewhere that wasn't fun for the weekend?

i'm glad you understand that demanding he be home more is just unrealistic, even though it's what you want. we'd all like to have the perfect jobs, plenty of time to be with family, challenging, exciting, and lucrative enough to keep the family comfortable. there are not many of them.
your husband's job meets so many vital criteria. he seems to like it, he doesn't travel terribly much in the overall scheme of things, and it allows you to be home with the kids. i disagree with all the advice to have him look for something else. the job isn't the problem. the problem is that you are overwhelmed and need some relief. i don't think you really resent your husband or even his job, you just resent that you have zero fun time for YOU right now, and he has that even though he's not doing it selfishly.
so i think your conversation should center around how you guys can structure some breaks for you, not how he should a) quit a good job or b) quit enjoying it. rather than take away his amazing life, brainstorm ways of making yours amazing too, at least occasionally. you've had some really good suggestions about utilizing your local community, churches and gyms. a mother's helper at the very least would give you the chance to lock the bathroom door and take a bubble bath, a nap, or read for an uninterrupted hour. high school students tend to be energetic, fun, full of ideas and very competent. use them! if you are there in the house it's not like anything awful will happen, and with time you'll develop and train one good enough to do the occasional overnight so you can have the odd night of sleeping through.
when your husband is home it's perfectly reasonable to ask him to take on baby duty on a regular basis to give you a break.
i think if you get some solo time to re-sane yourself you'll find your life much more agreeable and regain the wow factor. you and your husband can indeed partner your family, you just need to be creative and flexible in how you set it up. and don't forget that while you are struggling, it's not like he's out partying. he is enjoying the perks that come with his job (he'd be stupid if he didn't) but he's working, and making his own sacrifices to take care of you all. that shouldn't be marginalized.
khairete
S.

I hope you can find a support group of mamas near you. When I was in your shoes I had a support group of Moms in a babysitting Co op. If you cant find one think about starting one. It is FREE babysitting and you will find friends in similar situations. that will help your sanity, if not your marriage, It is hard to stay close to each other when you are living in different worlds. Is there anyway your husband can look for a different job? One that would allow him to be a father and husband, not just a provider? Is there anything in your budget you could cut out temporarily (savings? a gym you have no time to attend?) so you can afford a babysitter while you work out or get a break? whatever it is you can do without JUST during this year!
Its a hard time but try to remember that the kids will only be this age once, for a short time. You will eventually get more sleep (until they become teenagers) You will eventually be able to shower or workout while they watch an educational video, or play in the next room.
Maybe joining a church would help you find friends with kids your age and eventually you could babysit for each other?? good luck, at least you have Mamapedia for moral support!

You mention your husband gets first class hotels and dinners etc - maybe the dinners etc are group dinners, client dinners but is there any way he can travel less expensively and ask his company to pay him the difference so you can put that money towards a sitter? I realize that might not be possible but just thinking of maybe a way for you to have some money for a sitter. Or do you have any family like your mom or your MIL who could come and stay with you for awhile until the baby is more settled? If not, cutting your budget to the necessities so you can hire someone seems to be the best option and when your husband is home, you go to bed! Could he even just take ONE vacation day here and there to give you a break? Men do get family leave act too. I know it can be frowned on in many companies but maybe he could work out a bit of leave. If he's working on weekends, if his boss is human, he may give him some comp time. It's deserved. You sound very nice and supportive but I've seen successful men w/ wives who are not so nice and they DEMAND their husbands come home early or take time off. So you might need to demand he get a bit of time off. If your husband is good at what he does, they should accomodate this short-term issue. Hang in there.

For the short term, call in all the help you can. Anyone who said, "If you need help with the baby" -- take them up on it, even it was an offer made 6 months or a year ago--- let them know you're drowning & need a lifeline. Let your friends with kids know you need time off and if they can take your 2yo for a couple of hours, or your infant for a couple of hours (or both!) and get a nap.

If you have a church you belong to, let the helping ministry (whatever it's called (ours is called the caring ministry) know that you need help, now, and whatever they can offer is appreciated. With them, be completely honest about your financial situation (as you feel comfortable with) and your needs as a mom (maybe having the community provide frozen casseroles, so you don't have to struggle w/ dinner; maybe pointing you to the church's children's ministry for other parents you can lean on).

If you have family in the area, don't have a stiff upper lip----let them know you are desperate for sleep and break from this. If they are out of town, see if one of them can come into town for the weekend or a day, and take the kids out or let you go out (maybe if they stay at your place watching the kids, you can go a friends for a nap?)

Then, let your DH know that you need to talk to him seriously about this when he gets home (or, if you think that trying to broach this over the phone is not going to work, wait till he gets back, but don't put it off).
Let him know how much you appreciate his hard work, and that it is letting you stay home with the kiddos to provide that care.... But then let him know that while you appreciate it, you are stretched so thin with sleep, that right now, you need to have him find a way to help you. Engage him in solving/troubleshooting the problem. If it is an option to have him travel less (instead of giving it up), maybe it's worth a try. Maybe that means you get a parttime job so that you can pay for daycare 2 days a week and get a nap those days. Maybe its that he starts looking at finding a new job that is more supportive of his family (and his participation in his family). Definitely let him know that it's not just you--your 2YO is stressed by this situation a lot, and that is playing out as the newborn being at risk of his really bad behavior (not a good situation!). But don't blame him, as that will just make him defensive and make him feel that you don't appreciate his hard work (when what you're trying to do is get him to appreciate YOUR hard work, and find a way to give you a break on a regular basis).

I know how hard this is. My husband is gone every month for about 2 weeks, often a little more. He has been doing this before the kids were born. After they were born he would leave when they were about 5-6 days old. I really don't have family around to help as well. My parents live a little over an hour away, but have never been very helpful. My sister lives farther away and works. My kids are now 11, 14, 17, & 19. I have always worked and we ended up with a nanny for childress because of my crazy hours. When the kids were young like yours, when my husband came home I got to go out and go shopping or whatever for several hours. I needed this time. My husband understood. I also went to the gym (wish I had time for that now) when my two oldest were little. The gym had childcare. I was never a mother's group person, but many are. So you might try that. Like everything in life there are good and bad to everything. There are times I am angry with my husband and I am glad to see him go. We he returns, I am over it. When he is gone, it's one less person's schedule I have to consider. When he's home, there is one more person to do the work or trouble shoot problems with. Lately my biggest complaint is when there is a problem at home and I tell him about it, at times he will say "there's nothing I can do about it I'm not there" or " I am too busy to deal with that now". Makes me crazy! I call him on it and lately he is better. But how annoying! Demanding him to change will mean he will have to quit his job. That may not be a good option. The two of you will have to decide. For us, my husband travels for business, but goes to his home country where his parents still live. As the first born son we are responsible for them. His being there helps with that responsibility. So not going is not an option for us. I know its hard. Hang in there! Your doing great. You MUST find some me time.

Your feelings are normal. You'll get through it. Start by trying to get up before the kids and shower... Have alone time. Even if it's only in the shower. Makes a difference. Also, your kids are young enough where you can plop them both into a stroller and fondue a run or some sort of exercise. Parks are great for everyone too... Also look into a Moms group - dice you have no family or friends who can "relate" - meeting other moms may be supporting. Good luck. Stay positive. Awesome that you can be home with the kids. Your husband & children are lucky... Just make ire you're happy & positive. Perhaps tagging along with kids in tow with DH on his next trip is an option. Being together even for a little bit may help.

Hi,

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I feel for you! I don't have alot to suggest, but is it possible to hire a young high schooler or college student??? Many times you can find a really nice reliable person to come and give you some "mommy time" where you can take a bath or walk or shower etc and just get a break--- You don't have to pay alot, but if you look for "mother's helpers" or something like that, I think you could really help lighten your load. Check your finances, i am sure there are some areas you could scale down to save for this and make it a priority. When your hubby comes home tell him that he needs to put aside X amount of money for you to find help since he can't help you. Best wishes!
Remember, this time won't last F.-----one day at a time!~
M

I really feel for you. My situation is very similar. My husband works in the entertainment business and he has been putting in 12-16 hour days, 7 days/week for YEARS. Literally. If he doesn't work this hard, they will find another person who will. His field is ridiculously competitive. Despite these hours, we are barely scraping by after having cut out every luxury & saving every penny imaginable. We also have no family anywhere near us.

That left me to do EVERYTHING around the house and care for the kids solo 24/7 with a budget of zero. Not easy.

I'm giving you a big virtual hug right now. What you are doing is SO HARD!! I got through the younger years without help, but I must be honest - it did some damage to my marriage. When my husband would finally appear at midnight and I hadn't slept in months and I'd say please take the baby so I can nap for an hour, he'd say no, he couldn't because HE was tired. Fool didn't know the meaning of the word. And while I was wiping butts, getting spit up on and attempting to get some sustenance for myself, hubby was off hobnobbing with celebrities and being taken out to the best restaurants in LA. Colossally unfair!!

See if you can get a family member to come stay for a week (or longer!) so you can catch up on some sleep. Then you would be wise to join a mommy group. Although none of the moms in my group ever took my kids off my hands so I could rest, being with them and sharing the difficulties that we were all going through was the thing that saved me from going insane during those long months of sleep training.

The good news - once you get the baby sleeping through the night, your life will get much easier. My girls are now 9 and 6 and I still do 99% of all child care and household running, but what a difference!! With sleep you can do almost anything.

Bottom line - get help any way you can get it. You need it. You deserve it. Hang in there just a few more months. All the best to you.

First, you are not being a complainer or having a pity party! You have very valid issues...many big [[[hugs]]]

Now- You didn't say what this fabulous job is? One that involves travel all over the world, staying in luxury hotels, ritzy dinners in exciting venues, partying with hip people,etc...yet pays too poorly for you to have household help? Huh? These are job perks or they part of his compensation/pay for his very demanding job? Which is it? Perks like that are awesome, but as pay...hello! That doesn't take care of your family, does it?

He's gone till late every evening and gone every weekend? If you are serving your country, that's a different story...it's a sacrifice that is very much respected. Even Uncle Sam has more respect for family life than your husband's boss does apparently.

Your husband thinks your home is chaos? Or Is he really missing romping with his toddler, chubby arms around his neck with I love you daddy whispered in his ear? Is he missing the precious weight of his newborn laying on his chest, smelling sweetly of lotion and warm momma's milk? Is he missing your head on his shoulder while you sleep and your loving arms around him cuddling? Video chats via the computer just aren't the same. In my point of view, there's NO job worth missing your children's babyhood for. Period. I am playing the devil's advocate here, but I smell a rat.

To me, this is a single man's job, not one for a married man. So....it's time to consider that maybe he loves that lifestyle much more than he does being a hubby and daddy, with more normal work hours, or he would be the one making changes.

I hate saying these plain things to you and perhaps causing your sweet and tired heart to hurt more, yet it needs to be said. You are an understanding and loving woman, a dedicated mommy, and very defensive of your absent husband. You might as well be single for all the family life and happiness you are enjoying. [hugs!] These should be some of the most wonderful years of your life and I wonder, if this continues, will the little time you have with your husband will be enough?

It's time to get some help. You must put your foot down and tell him to get home at a decent hour when he's home during the week, start asking for the weekends off during the weeks that he travels, and get you enough money for some help. You deserve that, you need it, and your children need a mom that is rested for safety's sake. Accidents happen when people are overtired and don't get breaks. You need some exercise time and time for your creative outlets. Do not be palmed off or be made to feel guilty with bologna stories about how his mother did it all alone. No matter what others have said, just because you don't have an outside job, being home alone and over burdened isn't some exciting priviledge. It's frustraing, or you wouldn't have needed to discuss it with the kind and wise moms here.

Take care! Be proactive and let your husband know what you and his kids need!

Anne, I have so been there. Despite my thoughts at the time, I survived it! : ) Now we have 4 children, my husband's job still requires him to travel, but he is able to take a day off every now and then to 'date' me still. Here is what worked for us: First, you've GOT to find some friends with kids. Most cities have a 'mom's club' you can join. In Cypress, the mom's club had tons of activities which included walking with strollers around a track on a college campus. It was great to meet women in my same stage of life and my kids had other kids to interact with (or at that age, other kids to watch). My 'sanity line' was the women I met at church. We did a 'playgroup' where we rotated people's homes, brought stuff to keep the kids happy and the moms chatted. Yeah, the kids weren't really old enough to 'play' together, but it gave me some adult interaction that I craved. A couple times we got together for potluck lunches or dinners, too (I also got in a rut with what I ate). After making some incredible friends, we started kid swapping so each other could have 'me time' and/or date night with our husbands. THAT was the most beneficial. We still do the kid swap thing but now that are kids are in school, we swap whole weekends! Woohoo! : ) Hang in there! You can do this! Raising healthy, happy kids is WAYYY harder than a full time job but the rewards are also WAAAYYY better!
Hugs,
Amy

I think you should find a play group. This way your kids can play and you can have adult conversation. I am a military wife with four children and my husband is gone for 6-8 months at a time. He's barely been here since we moved here in '05 if you include the schools he's had to go to. Look for the positives instead of negatives. I'm certain your husband would much rather be home with you.

We just had baby #2 one week ago and have a 2 y/o as well, so I feel for you. My husband is a firefighter and works 24 hours on/48 hour off which is great, but I'm nervous for what's going to happen in a few months. He's going to start training for a special team next month which will be a normal M-F 9-5pm schedule for one month, BUT he will have to make up the days he misses while in training, so that translates to 9 or 10 48hour shifts this spring and summer (48hours on, 24 off). That might not sound too terrible, but sometimes he is so exhausted coming off of his shift from working through the night that those 24 hours he has off will be spent recovering on the couch or in bed so he can go back to work and be "on" the following day.

So to stave off sheer craziness, my husband has agreed to let us join the local YMCA beginning in March, and keep the membership until he's back on his 24/48s. We have a very very tight budget, but this is extremely important to me. Like you, I need to exercise to keep my moods/hormones in check. So we will make it work. The plan is to take the kiddos to the childcare program at the Y (which is surprisingly cheap!) every morning during the week for 2 hours so I can get a good, sweaty workout in and then take a nice long shower and actually do my hair and makeup! Sounds exciting, huh? haha, who knew, but it is!

oh my god, I don't know how you do it, I only have one toddler and there were times (he wasn't a great sleeper until about 17 mos) I was ready to pull my hair out, scream (which I did at times), etc because of no sleep, and I did have my husband here! Yes, you two need to definitely sit down and have a serious discussion about family life. I think it can be worked out but it will take some major changes, him cutting back on his work hours if possible, or trying to find another job (I know really tough in this economy) that can keep him closer to home more. You're basically like a single mom. Please know there are others out there who feel your frustration and who know what you're going through with the little ones! you sound like a wonderful mother. Hang in there...hope you two can work something out

Hi, I know you've read a lot of responses but I thought I'd throw out a couple of ideas. First is definitley to try and hire more help to give yourself a break. Second, if money is really tight, is to explore a babysitting coop. I joined one 1.5 years ago. Its a group of women in your general area who all trade babysitting time. At first I couldn't imagine a time where I could actually help cause I was drowning in my own situation and I work full time, etc. But as time has gone bye, its a wonderful thing. You could have a group of women ready and willing to help right at the stroke of the keyboard. Its pretty cool.

I absolutely believe everyone needs a break in your situation. Please don't feel guilty by hiring someone to help. You need to think outside the box. Mommy groups...etc. expecially since you don't have family around.

Also, please keep in mind how lucky you are to not be back in a workplace. I know that those who work see those who don't through jealous eyes and vice-a-versa. But I am a mom of a 3 year old and I have to work full time (money) and have a long commute. Then I come home and have to do everything on my own because my husband though it would be a good idea to do a restaurant. He is gone from about 3:30-midnight every night and I work normal day hours. He makes zero money. I feel your pain for sure! But then add in the incredible guilt from being away all day, the work stress from bosses, deadlines, general work expectations. Did I mention the need to look a certain way every morning, leave the house by 7:15am all "together". be home after dark. Working full time while raising children sucks so you are very lucky that you don't have that factor as well! Regardless, you definitely need more breaks in order to have time to take care of you!!

good luck

:) I went through this exact scenario too. My husband had to leave for a month straight (couldn't even come home) when our second was 2 weeks old. It was a HUGE issue for a while. He understood and we worked out a deal to hire a sitter for a few hours each night she came in and just helped me get through dinner and bedtime. It was financially tough but much better than ruining our relationship completely during that month.
I also got connected with the MOMs Club International and found a chapter in my neighborhood. If they have a chapter in your area it would put you in touch with other moms who know exactly what you are going through. I was surprised at how many offered to come over and watch my 2 year old or take him to the park during nap time just so I could sleep too. I don't have family here but these women have become my family in a way people without children just can't understand. Good Luck!

I know your pain! My husband travels a lot as well. He's gone about half the month almost every month. I have three kids, 6, 4 and 2 and one on the way! He's been traveling like this for the last two to three years. Being left at home to do EVERYTHING is hard! I feel jealous sometimes too. Just being on a quiet airplane with a book sounds like heaven. I resented him as well. What finally helped me is I stopped having expectations of him. That may sound awful, but it really helped us. I would get so angry, feeling like I was a single mom, minus the job since I stay at home as well.
Now, I just have the mindset that this is the way it is. I do it ALL at home. I'm grateful when he's there to help. I constantly remind myself that I'm lucky to be able to stay home and raise my kids.
For you though, you're definitely in the thick of it with an infant and a two year old. Just do your best to get through the first year with your little one and it will suddenly get much easier and more managable. That first year with two little ones is brutal!

You can do it!!

did your hubby take time off when baby was born? Can he now? Have him look into it. Even if it is a week or 2. It will help you. GL

I know this is late as well, but your story is so similar to mine. My husband is a high school debate coach and travels most weekends of the school year. We have three small children: daughter (almost 5), son (almost 3) and son who just turned 1. It is sooo hard. The weekends do not seem like weekends at all. They are actually the opposite for us. They are more work and headache than the weekdays.
My two older kids are in mother's day out 2 days a week. This helps a little. So I get about 2 solid hours those days when the baby is napping to really get some things done. But to tell you the truth, we really can't afford it. Luckily, my daughter will start kindergarten next year.
One thing I can suggest is to really take advantage of the time your husband is home and let him watch the kids for as long as you can get away. Go shopping. Get a pedicure. Something. Lots of high schools have cosmetology departments that are very inexpensive. Go have dinner with a friend. Think of the weekend as the weekday and the weekday like the weekend. Schedule family outings while your husband is home. If you have something to look forward to during the weekdays, your weekends may not seem so bleak.
I know lots of women have it harder than we do. When my aunt was younger, she and my uncle lived in Alaska and had three small boys very close in age. My uncle was gone for a month then would be home for a month. I can't even imagine being cooped up in the Alaskan winter with three small kiddos.
Just recently I've been entertaining the idea of writing/illustrating for children's magazines. It would bring in extra income and be fun for me. It's also something I can do with the kids around that doesn't require tons of supplies or space. Since you are artsy, that may be an option.
Its too bad us SAHM's can't unionize. It really is a tough job. I know my husband wouldn't want to switch places with me. Good luck. This too shall pass : )

Every now and then (if you can afford it) you & the kids should go on the trips too. Why not?

My Mom had (after school) hired help when I was a kid, I was born in 1954. Most of the women of that generation had Grandma next door, and an Aunt down the road or at the next farm and siblings that lived within 3 miles of each other. There was a lot of help in the "old" days, they were not called "help" they were called "relatives."

I know I'm chiming in late here (and why is it that when I read these questions for the first time, there's often the "thanks for the suggestions" follow up?...off topic, but curious) -

It sounds like your active 2yo son might enjoy a few mornings a week at a preschool. You can find some inexpensive ones, and a lot of them will give scholarships. It would be great for all of you. He'd make new friends, get "new" toys to play with, learn fun things. You'd get a break and have some one-on-one time with the baby, possibly being able to nap when the baby naps.

It's hard when they're young. I'm not in your situation, but mine is similarly stressful. I work full time and went to nights voluntarily 9 months ago because my husband is disabled and can't drop off/pick up kids from school. We have a 6yo and twins who will be 2yo later this month. We've never hired any help (and I drool when I see requests on our twin club newsletter for a referral for a nanny, night nurse, etc. If only!) and I am exhausted. The twins go to daycare and love, love, love it! I know that they have a much better day there than they would at home with my husband (I have to get some sleep). Look around for affordable options. I know that in our area there are MOPS groups. They have childcare at their meetings and events, and it would be a good way to connect with other moms of young kids. Good luck!