Response to Mother When Wanting 2Nd Child Is Discouraged

Kristal,

My mother keeps saying "you'd better not have any more" (we have 5 already), and I just tell her "don't worry about it". It is really not her business. I'm actually pregnant again and have not told her and have no intention of telling her...I can hide it until she goes to Florida in November. She'll find out when the baby is born...what can she say then?

I know what you are going through with disapproving family members. I personally think it is ludicrous that your mother would try to tell you not to have a second child. You don't want them so far apart that they won't want to play together. You are at a perfect time to have another. Only children can have a tendency to be very self centered...not all...but I have seen it, I don't want that for my kids!

So that's just a lot of my opinion. I guess I wouldn't talk to her about it anymore. Unless you are coming to her for every financial concern, it really isn't her business. And of course we value our relationships with our moms, but there has to be a boundary there.

Take care and enjoy your 2nd pregnancy!!

D.

I would sit down and explain to her that while you value her opinion, this is not something she has a right to make a decision on. Do it gently though.

Let me tell you, no one in my family was happy when I got pregnant any of the three times I was. My first one I wasn't married yet, however we were engaged and got married a few months before he was born.
The second one, we were still married and my oldest was about 7 months old when I got pregnant. I was very happy... my family wasn't.
My third, I was with my current husband, my boys were 6 & 7 years old. My husband and I weren't yet married.
My sister actually asked me if "it was a good idea to have another baby?" (Well, yeah I did and it was a little late for that question by then anyway, I was already pregnant!)

You and your husband have to do what you feel is right for your family. tell your mother that you hope she will feel better about it eventually, but even if she doesn't it's your decision to make and your family who has to deal with that decision.

Hi Kristal

My husband and I have four kids. He has 2 girls from a previous a 15 yr. old (and 1 in which we have custody of) a 9yr. old, and 2 little girls together ages 4 and 3. When I became pregnant a month or so ago, everyone thought we were crazy adding a 5th child. We have always wanted a large family. My own parents never even congratulated us because they thought we were out of our minds. But point being, they will get over it. It is your decision ultimately. I know once the new baby is born, they're going to love him/her as much as the other grandchildren. Do what is right for your family, and just explain to your mother how much you want a second child. Its definately harder with more than one, but is there ever really a "right time" to have a baby?
Good Luck and Take Care

J.

Well, I'm reading a great book called "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion". It has helped me a lot. From what I've learned, you would first want to empathize with your mom. When she feels you have understood her, you can proceed to tell her your needs, and make a request to see if she is willing to meet your needs. So something along the lines of...

"It sounds like you're concerned that I will have trouble coping with the extra work and responsibility. I agree that another child may not be easy, but we have a strong desire for another baby and we feel confident this is the right decision for my family. We would like to share our dreams with you and experience your support for our ability to make the choices we are happy with. Would you be willing to celebrate our decision with us even though it may not be the one you would make if you were in our shoes?"

Kristal -

Sounds to me like your a married women with a husband and family of your own. So why are you asking your mother about having another baby?

Sometimes its a long transition from childhood to adulthood when it comes to mothers. I remember I was still "seeking approval" from my mom into my 30's! I then realized I had a house to run, kids that depended on me and I had to be the wife and mother I wanted to be, not what my mother wanted me to be.

So what if I made a mistake in parenting - it was MY mistake. I had to have the conversation with my mother that they were MY kids and it was my decision on how to raise them. My husband was a great support and our family is perfect, because this is how we want it.

Sure, we are lucky to have my daughter after my son coming first. He was a very active toddler, into everything, always on the go. My husband worked out of town and was home only 2 weeks every 2 months, I had the main burden with a new born and working. I adjusted - we do that you know - Women are amazing!

Basically what I am saying is - if you want another child - go for it! You can never predict that the personality or problems will be - but you also cant predict the joys and happiness. Life is never a guarantee - only what you make of it.

Congratulations and go for it! Tell your mom you love her, but its your life and a decision that belongs to your husband and you. You appreciate her concern and love her for it, but you want her support.

Best of Luck!

S. M

Tell her thanks, when she gives her advice or opinion...then do what you want. It's your life. Yes another kid will add expense...but honestly I think people with only one kid spend more money on the one than I ever would on my 5...I know when to say no, and we can't afford 10 different activities (time or money) so they must choose one, and yes I hit the sales and pass down bikes...but so what! I love having each of my kids and if you want one more or three more...that's a choice you and your spouse have to choose and live with. Best of luck!

I am a first time mom who was blessed with TWO BABIES AT THE SAME TIME! Trust me, it's a shocker when you're not expecting it. Would your mom have criticized you if you had been pregnant with twins (or higher multiples) the first time around? Of course not, she would have been thrilled at the prospect of new grand babies! I think that could be a healthy approach to take without hurting anyones feeling through fighting.

My husband commutes to Manhattan and I'm therefore caring for my children by myself all day every day. It is doable, and will inspire you to seek out help from other friends and neighbors as well as give you strength to know just how much you're able to accomplish on your own. You'll get a routine down and since you're working outside the home it will make your homecoming each day even more exciting.

Your mom is right that it's a lot of work and 'you never know what you're going to get' with respect to temperament, but you knew that with your first baby and still went ahead with it. Just as all adults are different, so are children.

Congratulations on deciding to go for that second baby and I wish you all the love in the world for your growing family.

You don't have to respond at all. I wouldn't bring up the topic of a second child with your mom since it's really not her decission. Just announce when you get pregnant and share the joy with those who support your decission. She'll come around.

Hi Kristal,

Congratulations on your decision to expand your family! I just hope you haven't made the decision to have another baby based on your daughter's request for a baby brother, because as soon as he is born, she's going to demand that you send him back! (especially if it's not the boy she "ordered") lol

The impression I get is that your mom is worried that you will become overwhelmed and unhappy. Having a 2nd doesn't double your work, it increases it 10 fold. It will impact your freedom to do other things, because you'll have two schedules, two extracurricular activity schedules, two financial obligations for college savings, etc. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I wanted my My 2nd child because I didn't want my daughter to be an "only". I wanted her to have a sibling, so that after we're gone, she''ll have someone to share her memories. Both my girls were a blessing but honestly the younger one was also a terror. I have always said that if she was my first child, there would not have been a second!

Your mom is probably projecting her fears onto you, and only worried about your happiness. I recommend that you just reassure her. Tell her you know her warnings are out of concern for your happiness, but let her know how it makes you feel when she tries to discourage you. Admit that while you have no idea what life will be like with a second child...(who does?) you are nevertheless more than ready to handle whatever comes your way.

See if you can open a dialogue. It will help avoid any tension when you do become pregnant.

We get discouraged a lot because we already have 4 and want more. People think we're nuts, but its what we want! I want a large family and thats that. Are you an only child? Is that why she thinks it might be so hard, because she hasnt experienced it? Dunno, I'd just say its what I want and leave it at that. Tough if they dont like it...it isnt their decision! Good luck!

Are you and your hubby only children, or do you have siblings? If so, simply say "well, John grew up with a brother and he wants that for our kids too. This is important to us. And we just don't feel that our family is complete." Besides, she may say all those things now, but once that new baby is here she'll change her mind. Besides, this is your family not hers and she has no right to decide what is right for your family.