Scared of Being Manipulated by Husband Again, Please Pray for Mom & 2Yr Old Son

I hate to start this on a negative note, but girl, it's time to cut your losses. Believe me, I know how you feel. I know it's annoying when people say that but without going into it all, let's just say I know what it feels like to be manipulated and controlled by a man who only thinks about himself and uses kids as pawns. He doesn't care about you the way you need him to. He never will. Let yourself hurt, let yourself cry, let yourself heal and then when you're ready, put your big girl panties on and tackle life as a single mom. You basically already are, you just happen to be married on paper. Don't worry about his needs or feelings, just focus on you and your little one.

It would be a huge mistake to just accept him at his word and take him back. I would go through with the divorce. His word isn't good for anything right now. He might actually change, but it is doubtful. If he does, you could always try again. But chances are it would end up the same way. Anyone who treats you like that and then turns it back around on you is being abusive. You don't want your child growing up with that example. A kid does not need to have two parents at home if the relationship is unhealthy. You can set a better example by yourself than your husband ever could. If he is unwilling to go to counseling with you or even get a reliable carseat, he is not willing to change. Does he not realize an infant seat can't be used on a 2 yr old? I would not go out of my way to accomodate any of his needs. He needs to step up and take responsibility for his own actions, and until he does, he is not worthy of you. It's great you have a support network in town, because I honestly don't think you would be better off back with him. A big thing that stands out to me is that you say you don't even have the same values. You have to have that common ground, even if you can work through the other things, that won't change. It's pretty obvious you don't have the same values from what you write. I am sorry that I can't offer any advice on how to work on your marriage. I just think you and your son deserve better. Prayer and hugs sent your way.

AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:

Going to see him alone was and is a foolish and dangerous thing to do. When you say "things happened" bascially that translates into your were forced to have sex with an abuser---this is a close to rape as it gets.

He can't just run off with your son, especially since you have physical custody of the child. You need police intervention and an "emergency" restraining order (fees can be waived) since you have no source of income.

Do not take your child to a hotel room to visit his father. In fact since you have been threatened and he has threatened to kidnap your child and take him accross state lines, I would end all visitation until court ordered visitation is in place. You should ask for "supervised" visits only and you should NOT be the one "supervising"....you don't need to be anywhere near this guy as long as he is able to so easily manipulate you.

Well I am certainly praying for you and you need to pray for guidance and good judgement for the safety and well being of you and your child.

Blessings......

C.,

You certainly have been through the ringer with this man. It’s good that you are going to church and hopefully you can get solid counseling there with a licensed family counselor.

Your husband has demonstrated over and over that he is not a responsible person, parent or adult. While I hate to see a marriage end in divorce, that is sometimes the best solution for all concerned, especially the children. The man sounds pretty much like a *sociopath and a pathological lier.

Regarding visitation, the fact that he refused to have a car seat inspection for a used car seat to be used by his child makes him ineligible to “unsupervised” and/or overnight visitation with his child. I suggest getting a custody order in place.

It is time for you to do a lot of soul searching and get serious therapy. Once that has happened if you still believe “this marriage can be saved”, tell your husband if he can establish himself in town, hold a job, pay child support, attend and complete anger management, addiction and parenting courses, attend church regularly for at least one year, you will consider getting back together.

Yes, I will pray a big prayer for you and your family including your husband.

Blessings……

C. I have read your story and I will pray for you and your son. But right now you need more than prayers. I am not a big advocate for divorce and I do believe in trying to save a marriage, but not if the cost is you and your son's self-worth. This man sounds like nothing but bad news, and I don't see any redeeming behavior here for him. Honestly I think his influence and involvement with your son is going to do more harm than good. I think I would let him see your son if he goes out of his way to some and visit, but I wouldn't be driving him 20 hours to see his father. I would proceed with the divorce and absolutely make sure you get it set for custody of your son in regards to visitation and child support. This is not a healthy relationship for you and ultimately a bad role model for your son. Kids who grow up in a home with an irresponsible parent like this will have a harder time as adults. IMO-It is better for your son to have one healthy, responsible, secure, loving parent than to have two parents who just can't get it together. At this point your husband needs to clean up his act and be a good father and just focus on parenting. Until he does that, I would not even consider a reconciliation with this man---you deserve better and so does your son. Best of luck!

Prayers sent. I hope thinks get better what ever you decide to do. I know at one time in my time I felt that everything was a loss and things would never get better.... Sometimes things just are greener on the other side. Things will get better is may just take longer then what you had hoped for.

Hmmm... My father went through a period of time (about 20 years!) where he was completely clueless about what it means to be responsible for other people and families. You mentioned that he "just doesn't get it," and believe it, he just doesn't. Maybe we should feel sorry for people who don't -- for my dad, it had a lot to do with coming from a nightmarish childhood. My father required a major crisis in his life to break him down and make him realize he needed counseling. My recommendation is to do just what you're doing -- gain strength from the social network of your family and friends, and never welcome him back into your heart until he has agreed to go to counseling (and to KEEP going to counseling, trying new counselors, etc., until he finds something that works). You are in the position to help this lost person, but it IS NOT your responsibility to. I think you're handling this situation great, good for you! Stick to your rules and don't let him change your mind.

I will pray for you and your son. However alot of people think that just praying for good things to happen is enough, you must act on the situation and make the best choice for your son first and you second. Your husband sounds like he needs alot of help and until he gets it I would steer very clear from him!!! Yes your son should have a father in his life but only if he can be a father and it does not sound like he can, I never really knew my father and I am greatful for that because he was insane very much like you describe your husband. I grew up happier with less drama and a stable mother. Hope this helps.

Dear Mom,

What you need right now is to be surrounded by strong people around you, if your family is supporting of you and your child you will need them now more than ever. It is extremely difficult to let go of someone with whom you have been with for a long time, especially after creating a life together. As a mom you begin to feel a sense of guilt, "if i leave him what will me daughter/son go through" in the end doing what is best for not only your son but you as well is what matters the most. I am a firm believer that you have to feel happy with yourself and your relationships in order to especially be the best mommy you can be. I hope you find some comfort in knowing you are and will not be alone, many mommies have gone through the same thing and have made it just fine. Prayers going your way.

Just from reading what you wrote it does not sound like a good relationship at all! I would recomend getting an attorney, especially if you do not feel safe with him being with your son alone. I'm sorry, I don't have any real advice as I have not ever been in your situation but I will pray for you. From what you described it doesn't sound like a safe situation for you or your son to be in. I'm sorry.