Second Baby- What Did Others Do with the First?

L.- I felt the same way when our second daughter was born. We had a 2 year old who had never been left with anyone or babysat for any duration of time without either my husband or I present. I stressed about my parents ability to watch her and timing since they live far from us. We ended up asking some friends from the Kingdom Hall that we attend. They are an older couple who don' t have grandkids of their own, but our daughter was somewhat familiar with them and they did great. I, like you, wanted my husband in the hospital with me AT ALL TIMES! Even though it was the second time around I still wanted that support. If you have some friends in the area that you think might be up to the task, maybe have some play dates where they can get to know your toddler and visa versa- that way when you call them up on D day, maybe it wouldn't be such a shock for child #1 to go to your friends house for the night. Also I don't know about your hospital, but the nursing staff was very friendly and attentive where I delivered in case your husband did have to leave periodically to check on your toddler.
I remember feeling like nobody could care for my child the way I do and I remember thinking she would be balling the whole time we were away. It turned out that she had a blast and developed a close relationship, almost like another set of grandparents, with the couple that watched her while we were in the hospital. Your situation sounds kind of different than ours, but I thought I would share my story with you. We got a surprise and found out we are pregnant with #3. I kind of worry about leaving #2 overnight since she's not done that very much. Hope all goes well.

Pregnancy sure is different the second time, isn't it?! There are so many issues you just didn't have to deal with before. One thing I've learned is that you just have to let go a little and let things happen sometimes. As much as you want to control everything, like you could before, you won't always be able to do that now. I wanted my first son fed a certain way at a certian time and put to bed this way at that time and this done then and that done the other way and on and on and on... STOP. I know how that is and believe me, that ends very soon, and the thing about it is that you won't mind one bit and it will actually make your life easier. YOu've seen the commercials for the off brand diapers where the house is all clean and life is organized and I guess the baby has brand name diapers, and then they swith to a few kids later and the kids are in off brand diapers, the house is a mess, the kids are yelling and MOm is just as happy as a clam not noticing the craziness around her - take a deep breath b/c here that comes for you! haha... My house is never as clean as it was before, my 2 year old spends a lot of time "alone" while I tend the baby, lunch isn't always exactly on time, sometimes my two year old eats more fruit snacks than I honestly feel he should b/c he's somehow managed to get the box out of the pantry, laundry lives in laundry baskets for a few days (sometimes until I need to do more laundry and use the baskets again), some days I realize I didn't have a shower when I'm climbing into bed at night! But, along the way I've relaxed and laughed a lot with my husband at some of the things we did for our first born that our second idn't get and is just fine without. I think its just a first time parent thing to go overboard on everything. Kids are pretty tough little things, they can handle a lot more than we imagine they can.
So, all of my rambling is to make a point. Pick the neighbor that you trust MOST and arrange for your child to go their house (or them to come to yours, that might help you feel a little better, too) when you have to go to the hospital. Then, go and concentrate on your new baby and yourself, that's where your head will need to be at that time, and then once the new baby comes you will need to concentrate on him or her, s/he will deserve that from you. Your first born will be fine, no matter where she is, believe me. Perhaps once you send her to the neighbors you can then notify a family member that it is time for them to hop on a plane (or whatever) to stay a few days and help out. When my second was born I had my Mom stay at my home with him during the day, then my sister spent the night with him. The next day after the baby was born my husband really didn't stay at the hospital much, he spent the first night and then stayed with our first born the rest ofthe time. He visited when he could get a sitter (I was in for 4 days b/c of a c-section).
So, no matter what, I guess, my advice to you is to relax about it. Choose the neighbor you trust most and plan it that way. What about rather than hiring a douola to stay with you you hired a nanny to stay with your oldest?

Well this does sound like an issue. For me, I had a scheduled c-section and scheduled it on a Friday so my daughter would just stay with family over the weekend. My husband stayed with me the whole time because having a c-section, I couldnt really get up as I pleased. Plus my hormones were all out of wack after having a baby and I wanted my Hubby there at all times. He just went home to shower.
But I am very fortunate to have family close by and they brought my daughter to the hospital everyday. I think if there is no one else, maybe you should take your Dad up on his offer. Your husband could be on call for them, but honestly, I think you will need your husband during labor. Even more than your son needs him. You could also talk to the hospital and see if they have any suggestions on what to do. Some hospitals may even have daycares.
But I completely understand your concern, I had a plan down to the T on how everything would go with my daughter when I was in the hospital. It went very smoothly, I did miss my daughter, but she had a blast staying with her family, she got spoiled of course. I hope you can work everything out! Good luck and Take Care, Congrats on babies!

Could I suggest that you start looking for a good reliable babysitter?? Start going out with your husband once a week for dinner, to give you a chance to "test drive" the baby sitter. You might look into baby sitters who run their "business" from their home and offer 24 hour baby sitting, since you dont know what time of day or night you will need them. We were in the same position with our 2nd child...living far from home...no close friends that we could ask. We found a wonderful babysitter (whom we are still in touch with 28 years later!!!) who attended the local college...she agreed to make herself available...around our due date...and it was so nice to be able to just tend to business at the hospital and not have to worry about our first child.
Living where you do...there would also be Mother networks that you could get involved in ( My daughter lives in Independence MO and is involved in one...quite extensive) and possibly one of those Mom's would be happy to help you out. If you would be interested in the groups that my daughter knows about in that area...message me.
Good luck and congratulations!!
R. Ann

We didn't have family then either or any close friends. With our first we had our in-laws come and get our oldest 2 weeks before we were to give birth. They came on Saturday and low and behold I gave birth the next day. The following weekend we drove down and got her.

With our 3nd we paid my husbands sister-in-law to come. That really didn't work that well. I paid her for a week but she insisted on going home immediately after I came home. She said the city scared her!

With our 4th the girls were old enough to be in the delivery room with us. I highly recommend to everyone to do a family birth if at all possible! The girls were 10, 13 and 15 almost 16. It was very special.

Suzi

My son was 25mo when I had my second. We took him to the hospital with us, and he stayed with us until it was time for me to "get down to business". Then we had a friend stay with him in the waiting area til the baby was born, and we were in our room.
Congrats, and good luck!!! :D

If you don't have family nearby (as we don't) we asked a friend to be on call to come and stay with my daughter if I had to go in before my mom arrived. I had offered to do the same for another friend. And then after giving birth my husband was back and forth and we just used the nurses to help care for the baby.

I had my second at the Topeka Birth and Womens Center, which is very kid-friendly. They encourage older siblings to be there when their new bro or sis is born, though they do ask that an adult be designated to care for the older one, while mom is doing the work. Grandma was great for that job. You may be able to arrange something similar w/your Dad, or a friend, so your husband can be there to give the babysitter breaks, help out, etc, but still be available for you.

The one biggest mistake I made with my hospital birth (the first) was not hiring a doula! (well, other than going to the hospital in the first place!) I too thought I couldn't afford it. If I could go back, I'd just borrow the money, it would have been worth it many times over. A good doula might have helped me avoid a cesarian, which would have been even more difficult if I'd had an older child to care for while recovering from the surgery. Please consider this a bit more.
http://www.bellywomen.net/ has listings for doulas who will work free or low cost if you can't afford the full rate. Good luck!

We just went through this last summer. We had a few different people that told us they could help when the time came and we appreciated that and had tenative plans for different times/days of the week. I ended up going in late one night (11p.m. or so when we left the house) fotunately it was July 4th so our oldest was awake and we didn't have to wake him. He spent that night with a friend of mine that has no other children and had designated herself as the "middle of the night person" :) He was back with us by 11a.m. and though we had arrangements for him to stay elsewhere the next two nights, he ended up with us at the hospital on his travel bed because he didn't want to leave us. This was unexpected but there were not problems with it. He was 4 at the time so I realize that makes a big difference. It's hard to plan...unless your doctor and you feel comfortable scheduling an induction, which I have a friend who did that and is in a very similar situation. My suggestion, have a few different ideas so when the time comes, you can have a plan.

First glance of your title made me think, try Craigslist, you can sell anything on Craigslist. I have a strange sense of humor.

Not a problem I had to deal with but I was thinking does your husband have any coworkers that he trusts. If not a coworker may one of their wives. Just throwing that out there.

Stop Stressing, your dad has offered to help and your husband has offered to check on him. Let them work out the plan and you just be in labor and have the baby.

If you cannot do that, ask your dad to come a little earlier and have him spend sometime before you go in labor to see just how long he can handle being with the baby before he breaks and then try to increase the time each time he is alone with the baby. Right now things look a lot worse than they seem. Expect the best from your dad and he could possible live up to that expectation.

A little about me:

Working mother of four: boy 17, boy 14, girl 10, girl 8. Married 19 years to my high school sweetheart.

I know with my second and third, I didn't have to go in to the hospital till my contractions were 2 mins apart. So, that means you're at home significantly longer. I would say, if someone can be there, to stay at your home with your oldest, then have them come up to you as soon as the baby arrives. Then you're husband can take over with the toddler. I also sent my husband home with the older kid(s) - I had plenty of help at the hospital from all the nurses, and they would come in for visits until I was released. I do understand about the worrying -I'm a CONTROL FREAK - but its only one day, and you'll be pretty sidetracked by the labor too:) Good Luck and Congratulations!!!

L., My DD's are 18 months apart. I was worried about what to do also. One idea is having your Dad watch him during the day then having a friend, neighbor that you know and trust to watch the toddler during the night, or vice versa. Or you husband can go home in the evenings to be with toddler and maybe bring him up to see mommy and meet new baby. I went into labor at 11:00pm and a friend of ours wholived about 20 min. away came to pick up DD with their DD who was about the same age. They totally didn't mind & loved that they could help out. Just start asking around and you'd be surprised who will lend a hand even if it's only for one day. good luch and everything will work itself out.

I say that you should let your father have some time with his grand child. He can't be that bad at it, he did help raise you I am assuming. He will be fine, he probably still remembers how to care for a child. While you think that it could be stressful now, it will work itself out. When I had my second, I was the same way that you are in the worrying department but my dad was amazing. He watched my daughter and even brought her to me for a few hours every day so that I could see her and I still had my husband with me at the hospital the entire time with the new baby. I realized that I worried for nothing and that both my daughter and my father enjoyed spending bonding time together. Good luck!

I just had my 3rd child 3 weeks ago. I was in a similar situation. We live in the midwest but our families live in New England. So I made arrangements just in case I go into labor before my MIL was coming into town to help. If I went into labor before my scheduled due date, I would take my children to my friends house where they can spend the night. My hubby would go back home to get the 6 yo ready for school and a neighbor would pick him up at the bus stop. During this time my MIL would have already been contacted and would have changed her flight plans and should be in MO w/i 12 hours of contact.
Well, the I made it to my scheduled due date and the emergency plans we made did not have to be implemented. I am thankful to all my friends who stepped in to help my family during this stressful time.

I'm due in March but it seems like any day now. I have 2 other kiddos son 5 and daughter 2.BY the way my husband tried to to drop our son off at grandamas house before going to the hospital I had to tell him NO,or we would have had her in the car or the way up to the labor ward.She was born so fast there was no tiome to take my son anyway but with us.I asked the registration nurse what will happen if I come into labor ward with my other 2 kiddos because I was unable to get in touch with anybody for the time being they have nurses who will look after them till family arrives and if I do use an amubulance to let them come with me to the hospital as well.So that has eased my fears anyway to be laboring alone I prefer to be by myself I can't stand it when people vistitors family come in and out to see how your doing I told my dad to get out whith my son and he was very upset but my goodnes your in pain and trying to concentrate.With my 2nd I just told my husband not to let them come in till after the baby. My husband knows not to touch me let alone look at me till i'm settled with my babies.

I have read through most of the responses. One thing I can't figure out is how do some people know you are in the Kansas City area? I would suggest if you are involved with a church or have met your neighbors to really get to know some of them and ask for advice. My sister is a single Realtor in KC, KS and she loves children. If you could make some contacts I'm sure you could get some references and find someone you could trust with your darling.

We recently went through this in January. My son stayed with my father while I went in for labor. He stayed with my parents while I was in for 3 days. I had a scheduled C section since my first was an unplanned C section. Though I could have stayed there alone in the hospital and been fine. My husband had to work so I was alone most of the time anyway. It is not uncommon for women to be alone when at the hospital. But consider taking your toddler, so they can meet the new member of the family.

We called friends at two in the morning. They came over then and my mom came the next day.

My parents live more than 8 hours away and my husband's parents live more than 10 hours away. I hear you.

Our first son was 22 months old when our second was born. We asked some good friends to watch him until my parents came down to relieve them. They considered it an honor that we felt that close to them, and we were so overjoyed that he was with someone we know and trust.

I have some advice for you: 1. Find someone you think you would like to ask to watch your oldest one. 2. Spend time with them so they get to know your oldest. 3. Don't worry so much. It will be fine.

One of my friends just had her second, and after the baby was born, her husband brought their oldest into the hospital room and they spent the night together as a family. Maybe you could see if it's a possibility at the hospital where you will deliver.

Do you know where you will be giving birth at yet? When I had my daughter, my son was almost 3. We gave birth at Wesley BirthCare Center. In the room, there is a little room attached with a couch and tv. You could have your son in there watching cartoons and movies and stock it with tons of toys for him. There is a door on the little room and there is a curtain that blocks you, if you don't want him seeing anything. Also, there was a playroom where your husband could take him to play until it's time for you to push. We were in the same predicament, with our family all being out of town.

Yeah, same boat here...when we first moved to our town we had our son in a daycare program...well I didn't stay working for long b/c of my condition...but they all remembered my son so when I called and told them the predictament they all banded together and told me to call at ANYTIME and they would make sure someone would cover.

Although I ended up getting enduced...the director gave me her cell phone number and told me to call at anytime and if she had to SHE'D come pick Sean up...they were prepared that either someone would stay here at the house with him or they would take him to the daycare center. In the end I had a pair of sisters at the house (with the house stocked of food and soda for them). I went in at 8am on Saturday and they stayed through Sunday. By then I was ready to throw my husband out of the hospital (LOL).

I would check with your local day care providers or maybe your church...surely someone would be willing to help out. Let them know that there is no one else that will be around to care for your son and you need some kind of emergency plan in action. Of course, you could also talk to the Dr. about possible induction...then you have a little more control...provided baby doesn't come first...

Our plan still ended up costing us about $150 or $200 for the girls but it was well worth it.

when we went to the hospital, we took my son with us and called my aunt. She lives an hour away, so there was some waiting for that. Meanwhile we called my mom who lives 2 or 3 hours away. She came so that my aunt could go home eventually. My mom and dad stayed at the hospital with my son during the delivery. NOt in the room, but in the waiting room. They went to the cafeteria and had some breakfast and lunch.
Maybe you could have your dad stay at the hospital that day, so your husband can check on him more easily?

Lynne,
Excellent question! Sounds like a lot of people have been in a similar situation. I'm not even pregnant again yet, but had these questions already!
I wish we lived closer...I'd be happy to help you out! I'm sure you'll find a lot of people more than happy to help at any hour of the day...(it really is an honor in my opinion!)
It just comes down to getting you and your child comfortable with the person who might be watching them beforehand.
I'll be reading all the responses!