Seeking Advice - Aledo, TX

With love and honesty and then consider finding a good church that offers a "Divorce Care Class." I have been on my own since my kids were 1,3,3,and 5. He moved 5 hours away from us and I just speak to my kids honestly. They don't need the gorrey details, just the plain and simple facts. For example, they ask why daddy moved so far away? I say "he chose to move, that was a choice he made."
Best of luck to you.

In addition to other advice that has been given . . .

I would advise a continuous reassurance to your children on the things in your life that will remain the same. Divorce involves a lot of change, which will mean a break in the security your children may feel having both parents at home. For example, will the children still attend the same school? (if they are school age) Will they be near the same friends? Will they live in the same house? etc... I would also reassure them that regardless of what may change, your love for them will always remain the same.

I hope this helps - God bless you.

John and T. - I have been a divorce attorney for 20 years and I commend you all on working together to be on the same page. Studies show that is THE number one thing parents can do to get their kids through and beyond a divorce. There are a lot of resources for kids - books etc. I would start with www.childreninthemiddle.com. That is a service set up by a child development specialist, Brad Craig - he has resources and advice, and offers consultations for a reasonable hourly fee.

In any case, talk with a mental health professional who deals with kids and divorce. I can recommend many other avenues for you all to pursue if you want to contact us directly. If you all are going to have to go through divorce - I recommend you hire a collaboratively trained lawyer(s) who will see you through it in a way that is less traumatic on the family emotionally and financially. Give us a call if you want to meet - I'll waive the consultation fee - let them know you are from mamasource. J. D. 817-479=0534; www.dsclawfirm.com; www.necollab.com

BE COMPLETELY HONEST. Of course, there are some things that are "adult business" that you should NOT share with your child -- like the nitty-gritty of exactly why you are divorcing. Explain what divorce is, and that it is not the child's fault -- nothing he/she has done to cause it and that he/she can't fix it...it's a "Mommy & Daddy thing." Explain that you will still be his/her parents ALWAYS.
My ex and I still have dinner with our daughter upon occasion or attend school parties together with her. Also, we have both remarried now. We explained with precise clarity to our new spouses, BEFORE we married them EARLY ON in our new relationships, that we did all have a meal together every now & then, etc. Our new significant others had to accept this, or move on, because our child's emotional health is the most important thing to us. NOW, all FOUR of her parents get together for dinner with her; PLUS, she now has two step-sister, a step-brother, and an 11-month-old half-sister. She loves all of her family and is very well-adjusted.
BLESSINGS to you for the same in what ever way you & your ex decide to live as a "divorced family."

I know this is a very sensitive subject for you and Im sorry ya'll are going through this but dont EVER let someone tell you this is a bad decision.If you've already felt you needed to do this,than do it.Now about your child,though Im not a psychologist,I have experiance with this type of thing growing up,my parents fought all the time,they threatened divorce all the time,and guess what,I heard every argument,every threat,every slap...and I literally Wanted my parents to divorce,When you argue in front of your children,it rips their feeling of security away.Im not assuming this is happening with you,but im giving an example.Your child believe it or not,will start understanding in the future,tell him how much you love him and that things will be better this way for everybody,and soon he will come to realize this is true. Another example,my boyfriend went through a divorce three years ago,and he was with his ex wife for eleven years...eleven years too long.he has a twelve year old son who I feel terrible for,he lived with the arguments for too long. Just remember,when ya'll finally separate,DONT EVER say anything negative about the other parent,your child will resent it more than you think!

good luck. -tabby

Be honest without "badmouthing" the other parent. It is very important to understand that they still love BOTH parents and no matter what your problems are, they don't need to be brought into it--even if they ask. (I sorta sound like Dr. Phil now). Good Luck and God Bless you parents and your kids through this! I know it's hard! :)

Divorce is a hard thing for any family and if you guys have no other way to work out your issues then I suggest this. This is from my own personal experience not that I have a degree or anything. My X and I had to make a choice to get along for our kids. Our kids are the ones that really suffer in Divorce. If we had a arguement we didn't inclued the kids in anyway. (Should have do that in our marrage too) If it's possible for you both to talk to the kids about this that would be better. Whatever you do don't make the kids feel like they have to choose one parent or the other. Always keep in mind that you are rocking there world right now. The security of who they have been is being lost so this will not be easy on anyone. We talked to our kids together and we told them it wasn't anyting they did and there was nothing they could do to fix it. Mommy and Daddy where the problem not them. I don't know how old your kids are but mine where 3yrs and 9yrs. My 3yr old was sort of clueless and she sort of stuck with me a little more often. The 9yr old had issues and it took him a while to get back to feeling normal. We just kept letting them know we would always love them no matter what. We didn't hide that things between us where bad but we didn't get ugly infront of them if that makes sence? The fact is this will be hard and there is not a easy way to do it. But you will have to think before you speak and make choices ahead of time. Spending one on one time helps too. DON'T say ugly things about the other parent to the kids. I know it's hard when you want to rip the other ones head off. I know but don't do it. Just make things about the kids.
This will be work but if your willing you will find smoother water soon. Don't put the kids in the middle or use them to bargan with. The kids will feed off of everything you guy do and act. You have to set the example and show them it's a change but it's going to be ok. Just be honest with them just like parents they know when you are lieing and they will let you know when you have been busted. Wish I had a better solution for you but this is what we did. It took us a while to get to a better place for all of us but we did.

Be as honest with your kids as possible. Make sure that they understand you both love them and it has nothing to do with them. They will pick up on the little things you do and say so be careful to not say things when they are anywhere around even if you think they are sleeping or outside. Sometimes the little things they hear parents, that are going through a divorce, say really do affect the kids in a big way. Also remember to always communicate with eachother through eachother not the children. Just dont leave the children out of the loop either. If what you are discussing involves them talk with the kids and ask what they want. You dont have to do what they want but it is always a good idea to ask it might change your thoughts about what you do decide in the long run.

I have been divorced since 2003, and I have always been honest with my girls, ages 9 and 10 now. This has brought us closer and left them feeling as though they can always tell me anything without being afraid of hurting anyone. It has taken until recent for my ex to communicate in a decent manner with me. But he has started doing so and it is a real help now. I can see the improvement it has made in my girls that they see him changing his way in speaking with me.

So just remember...

1. Be open and honest with the kids
2. Always communicate with eachother in a respectful manner
3. Never put the kids in the middle of a disagreement
4. Ask the kids there opinions it might make a difference

Most important

5. Always tell the kids you love them when they go to visit the other parent

Divorce is a hard thing to go through for the adults it shouldnt have to be and emotional roller coaster for the kids. They are after all the most important thing that came out of the marriage.

Be kind to one another through this time.

M. B.

I am a child of divorce, my parents seperated when i was 12 then divorced when i was 14. At first they tried to stay together for us kids but when i saw them they were very distant and although i blamed myself and was hurt, I was glad when the divorce was final. I wish my parents wouldn't have put their problems out the way they did regarding why they were divorcing, I had a hard time forgiving my father.

I never did marry my daughters father but we did try doing alot in the best interest of her so its somewhat like a divorce. Yes- ultimately kids come first no matter what.

If you have ever listened to Dr. Laura on 100.7 (2pm to 4pm)she always says you married the person, had children with him, and you should stick it out and try to work things out until they are 18 years old. She would also say that if you are divorced neither parent should remarry until the children are 18 years old. That way no one else will have your attention except your children. She has a couple of great books out such as:

STUPID THINGS PARENTS DO TO MESS UP THEIR KIDS:
Dr. Laura wants to save you parents from regrets and pains with respect to raising your children. This book will support your inner moral voice, which says: "I need to be there with my child and I need to do the best by my child." She covers everything from bio-fertility, adoption and day-care, to teenage angst and more.

THE PROPER CARE & FEEDING OF MARRIAGE:
In this book, Dr. Laura focuses on how men and women need to understand and appreciate the uniqueness of masculinity adn fiminity; what the best way to relate, caretake, and nurture each other are; and how to bring a marriage back from the brink of disaster.

10 STUPID THINGS WOMEN DO TO MESS UP THEIR LIVES:
A perfect gift for the young woman in your life this book provides a compass to navigate through the challenges from within and without. This terrific book helps women of all ages to understand their emotional motivations and drives, and use them to their best, most satisfying, advantage -- as well as helping them to avoid typical pitfalls.

I agree with her on most things; however, I worked as a Paralegal in a Family Law Firm for 7 years. I saw a lot of parents fighting over stupid little things and badmouthing the other parent. In the Petition and possibly in the final degree it will have an injunction stating that neither parent can "Making disparaging remarks regarding Petitioner/Respondent or Petitioner/Respondent’s family in the presence or within the hearing of the child." Does this work...NO. But as parents we should protect our chilren and realize that it doesn't matter how we feel abou the other party...they will always be your children's parent and you should be able to respect that. Depending on the County you are in the Court will usually Order you to go to Mediation to work things our and to attend a parenting class. According to some of the clients I worked with they siad these classes are really helpful. Also try some of the workshops such as http://ccdcounseling.com/DivorceSanity/ParallelParenting.htm and http://ccdcounseling.com/DivorceSanity.html.

My biggest advice is start counseling with your children as a family, don't bad mouth each other in front of the children, and don't spend your life savings on a divorce. Remember you will end up with Joint Managing Conservatorship of the children...only one parent will have the primary residence of the children. Try to agree on everything if possible--control your attorney and only do the necessary things. Don't try to get revenge during a divorce because you are only hurting yourself!

Good luck and if you don't have an attorney I know a good one.

Bill Of Rights for all children.

We the children of the divorcing parents, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish these

The right not to be asked to "choose sides" or be put in a situation where I would have to take sides between my parents.

The right to be treated as a person and not as a pawn, possession or a negotiating chip.

The right to freely and privately communicate with both parents.

The right not to be asked questions by one parent about the other.

The right not to be a messenger.

The right to express my feelings.

The right to adequate visitation with the non-custodial parent which will best serve my needs and wishes.

The right to love and have a relationship with both parents without being made to feel guilty.

The right not to hear either parent say anything bad about the other.

The right to the same educational opportunities and economic support that I would have had if my parents did not divorce.

The right to have what is in my best interest protected at all times.

The right to maintain my status as a child and not to take on adult responsibilities for the sake of the parent's well being.

The right to request my parents seek appropriate emotional and social support when needed.

The right to expect consistent parenting at a time when little in my life seems constant or secure.

The right to expect healthy relationship modeling, despite the recent events.

The right to expect the utmost support when taking the time and steps needed to secure a healthy adjustment to the current situation.

be as honest as you can, depending on age of kids.
reassure them that it has nothing to do with them.
the above advice is great - don't bad mouth each other in front of the kids.
Agree to get along for the sake of the kids. The non-custodial parent should make every effort to be involved in school activities, sports, etc.
just my 2 cents
being a product of divorice

I know this is a difficult time. I made some mistakes when my kid's dad and I divorced. We both did. Here's what I've learned.

DO NOT ever bad mouth the other parent. It tears up your children inside.

DO NOT listen to your messages on "speaker" in case it's the other parent calling and cursing. The children will hear it and it changes them.

One thing I did right was be very honest with my kids. They only need the straight facts without knowing more than necessary. When my 6 year old daughter came home asking why "daddy had a nightgown hanging in his closet", I said I don't know. And I didn't. I didn't know whether to assume he had a girlfriend or he was now a cross-dresser. I told him what she said, later, and he was the one who had to broach that subject with her.

One thing I learned is your children will ABSOLUTELY figure out each parent's role in the divorce as they get older. If the parent lies, cheats, manipulates...your children will learn to embrace it and emulate it or they will hate it and stay as far as possible away from it. Children see alot more than we think, so it's imperative to take the high road at every opportunity. Good luck. B. - Arlington, TX

T., Best thing to do is be honest don't lie about the situation if they are old enough to understand. Alot of what you tell them should depend upon how old they are and how much they understand what is going on. I grew up in a single parent home and alot of what I remember was the lies and not really being told what was going on. I don't know if that helps but I hope it does a little.

I am also from a divorced family. As well as my first marriage not working, and ending in divorce.

From my experience as a child. DO NOT ARGUE in front of your children. No matter how old they are, it hurts! I was 16 when my parents divorced, and let me tell ya, it was hell on Earth everyday that they fought...for several years, and then even after they split & divorced. I hated living at my home, my sister (almost 3 yrs younger than me) & I wanted to be anywhere but there. Do not tell them if the other parent has a girl/boyfriend. That is a NO-NO, to children, especially if they are old enough to understand. Because IF the other parent does have one, the child will hate the other person, and be very upset with that parent for it. DO NOT PLACE BLAME when talking to your children about this...that is a no-no as well! That hurts everyone involved, especially the kids, because they will think "oh so mom/dad is the reason my family is falling apart!" It's too much for kids to handle. Divorce is a sticky situation...and way too much for children. I say if you can leave them completely out of it, do. Please don't make them choose who they want to live with if they are old enough. This tore my sister & I apart. There is a natural way of handling this, and it's not by saying "ok...where do you want to live." If the children are old enough to choose, 12 yrs old in TX, then you need to simply sit and get their opinions on it. Don't say, "you need to live with me....and if you don't...." That isn't fair to the kids.

Boy/Girlfriend issues: If the kids are younger, I say to not bring a girl/boyfriend in front of them until you know for darn sure it's a "sure thing". It is so hard for younger kids to get attached to your girl/boyfriend, and then it not work out. I know this from experience!! My son was 1 1/2 yrs old, and I never in a million years thought he'd become attached to the guy I started seeing 6 months after our divorce, well I was WRONG!! He became very attached, and when it didn't work out a year later, my son was the one who hurt the most. Trust me...it's not a good thing to bring someone else into your child's life if you are not 100% on it working out. jmo

I say work things out for the best of the kids. Don't stay together for them, that hurts the kids more than a divorce will. My parents did that for many years, and I resented (sp) them for it in the beginning of the divorce, because they argued daily!! Of course it's been years now, and we all fine w/each other. Also argueing in front of your children, from my experience, only makes them think that it's ok to argue with their significant other when they get older in life. It makes for a very confusing time for them, and their relationships. I thought everything was handled by argueing. That of course isn't the case at all!

Also don't rely on the religious upbringing of your kids to "make it right" for them. We were very much into church, every time the door was open, and my parents brought us up in a Baptist religion (I'm Catholic now). It doesn't make it any easier for them to cope with the situation at hand, and just because they are "religious" doesn't mean that they don't have their own feelings on the situation at hand. My parents thought just because we were close to God that us girls would be ok. Well that isn't the case at all! Children are Children whether they are infants, toddlers, pre-teen, or teens. Everything is of importance to them....especially if it has to do with their parents. Just an fyi.

I am so sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to relay my experiences to y'all so it may help out. Ya never know. Of course all of this is just my opinion (jmo) on my experience, each one is different. Prayer...that is the best medicine! Good luck to you.

~S.

John and T.,

Talking to your children about divorce is never an easy thing to do. The MOST IMPORTANT thing you have to relay to your children is that none of this is their fault. Children tend to blame themselves in situations like these. When I divorced, my son was 3 and I just simply said to him quite simply, "Mommy and Daddy don't love each other anymore. That happens sometimes but don't worry because we both love you very much and nothing could ever change that." My son was young enough to accept that. If your kids are older, they will ask questions, the best thing you can do is answer them as truthfully as you can without laying blame on anyone. You don't want to hurt your kids by saying something cruel about the other parent (they could grow up to resent you for it later).

It's also very important to be civil in front of your children. The smoother things are on the surface, the easier time your children will have accepting the changes. Make sure that your children spend good quality time with each parent and Do not, I REPEAT DO NOT, ever talk bad about each other in front of or to your children. I know that one (or both)of you may be feeling hurt or angry but remember who's the most important here, it's not either of you, but your children.

Good luck!

Hi T..
I know this is a hard time for you. Just be honest with your children. Be sure you talk to them on a level that they understand, and make sure they understand that THEY are not responsible. Children take on responsibility for things they didn't do, and they can blame themselves for years without saying anything to you. My son did it when my former husband filed for divorce in 1991. And don't bad mouth their father. All it does is hurt them.

A lot of it depends on the age of the kids. They can be more in tune to your troubles than you think. My boys were 9 & 7 when I got my divorce. Be up front with them about the situation first of all. Secondly no matter the reason for the divorce try to remain friends at least in front on them. Beleive me it is much better to have 2 happy parents divorced than unhappy married parents. As easy as it may be DON'T put the other down to them. No matter how you may feel about each other, they still love both of you.

Everyone has spot on advice. I'm a child of divorce (when I was 10 - now I'm 40). They may already know something is wrong, depending on your relationship/behavior up to now, but honesty & simplicity are best in this situation. If at all possible, live close to each other - on the same block would be ideal, but definitely within 1/2 hour so that visitation is super easy for everyone. We saw my dad every weekend, and he was always invited over for holidays, birthdays, etc. Put the kids first - not in a spoiling way, but just use a little empathy when making big decisions. And keep the lines of communication open. Maybe, if you can handle it, do a "family" dinner once a month. And NEVER, either of you, bring boyfriends/girlfriends into their lives - wait till they're out of the house, or something because that is HUGELY disruptive - believe me, I know (sigh). Good luck and take care!

having been through it...i would say it depends on the age of your children...but i have always been very real with my kids. they are 5 and 9 and very happy. i think as long as they know they are loved and you make them feel secure that no matter what they will be loved and protected and they know you will move mountains to have them be secure..it can be done. so sorry for all involved..

This is going to be one of the most idifficult things you do. Depending on the age of your children, will determine how you say things. My oldest was 7 when I got separated and divorced. We BOTH sat down with them (including my 3 year old) and told them straight up what was happening. They don't need to know why (they probably wouldn't understand). He was upset and crying. We let him have his time for grief, but basically showed them that we both love them and we are going to be honest with how everything is going to happen. There is always adjustments and re-adjustments especially since you and your soon to be ex will also be experiencing them. But as long as you show your kids that you are going to be OK then they know that they are too. Please spend as much time with them as possible. Most people get caught up in rebuilding their own lives and they tend to push the children aside, mostly unintentionally. Good luck and God Bless you.

First of all you should assure them that it has nothing to do with them it is not their fault and that you both love them very much them tell them the truth it only makes it worse if you lie to them and dont talk bad about each other or call names even if you cant stand each other .

well that is a touch subject... but as i was once the kid when my parents got a divorce and hated it. But you should be honest with thing... like we are not getting along anymore and are going to seperate... dont bad talk eachother... cuz that could really effect the child... as my mom bad talked my dad... but as you get older you start lookin at those thing... but you should sit and try to make them understand that things are just not working our and we are not going to live unhappy where it will effect the entire family... also how old are the kids...that would make a differenc also.... good luck.... now a days kids are alot smarter than we were back in the days.....

Not having been thru it, I can only tell you what I have observed with my brother in law. He and his wife divorced, after him doing everything he could to keep it together. Because of her lifestyle, he got total custody of their 2 yr old son, and it was rough. Because of the age of the baby, there wasn't a whole lot of 'discussion' about the whys of the situation, however, my brother in law took the high road, and decided that he would not ever talk negatively about his ex in front of his son. He reasoned that she was still his mom, no matter what she did, and that his son deserved to love his mom and not be prejudiced by bad talk. He reasoned that as my nephew grew up and began to see for himself, he could draw his own conclusions about her behaviour. My brother in law never upheld her behaviour, and always made it clear what he expected morally from his son, but he never badmouthed his ex. Now, 21 yrs later, my nephew is a well adjusted young man who very much appreciates the sacrifices his dad made, and understands that it's possible to love someone without agreeing with their lifestyle, and without being judgmental. He and his mom have a good relationship due to a wise decision by his dad.
I would say that it's best to try to work things out if possible, but if not, please don't use your kids as pawns against each other. They deserve better than that. I grew up in a household where it got to where instead of wishing my parents would stay together, I began wishing they'd go ahead and divorce so they'd stop making me their go-between. That's a miserable place for a child to be. Good luck. I wish you the best.