/Seeking Advice About Boarding Schools in Utah (Arivaca Boys Ranch)

Provo Canyon School is where some friends of mine sent their daughter. She learned so much. They went to visit and took her shopping for shoes. She sat down on the floor and they tried to get her to sit in a chair. She said she'd lost that privilege and it wasn't allowed. Who knows, maybe she threw a chair at a wall or someone.

She came out a different person. Back then I fully expected her to have a record and more by now. She's a great mom and has several degrees.

Going to the right place can make a world of difference to a youth.

BUT if the whole family isn't fixed and learning the same new skills as the youth it hardly ever sticks. So you guys have to commit to making uncomfortable changes too.

diamond ranch? i don't know that arivaca is in utah.
but regardless- it's a tough call, and you're going to get toasted for it. but if you really can't parent him effectively, and his dad is a loser, it might be the best thing to do.
so my first question is, have you sought out support and therapy for yourself? you must be pretty exhausted, discouraged and desperate to be considering this. i'm betting you need some self-care.
i've been to a children's ranch (it has girls and boys) near st george in utah. it was a fascinating experience. gorgeous but very very stark setting. tough rules. tough kids. i can see how it can be life-changing for some kids, but possibly break others. you're in the best position to judge how your child would react to that degree of tough love (and there is love there), as well as tough peers.
i wanted to hug the stuffing out of all 'em, and bake them cookies. but that's probably not what all of 'em need.
before taking this step, have you explored all of your option? family therapy WITH your son? calling in the troops and getting uncles, brothers, and other positive family role models involved with him? getting him involved in sports, or clubs, or volunteer work?
i'm not going to beat you up for this. for some kids, ones who are too far gone, or whose parents genuinely don't care, this sort of thing is actually positive. just be sure that you really really can't cope with him before taking this step. it's a biggie.
khairete
S.

Well, reading the responses thus far, no one actually answered your question, but felt free to bash you. As the mother of a daughter who was very hard to raise, I get the "I feel done" sentiment. I understand that if your son sits there and refuses to open a book, or read from it once it's opened, there is really nothing you can do. You can encourage, you can scold, you can stand on your head or cut your right arm off. You simply cannot force someone to do something they don't want to do.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. So very, very true.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that there is at least one person out here who "gets" what you're going through. Wishing you and your son the very best.

Funny, no one seems to get that perhaps that is the best thing for him and that you are contemplating it out of love. They all think you just want to get rid of him. Tough love; tough choices; the right thing to do is usually not the easy thing.

I just don't understand the "I feel done" part.

I will NEVER be done or want to let someone else raise my kids. I am more sure of that than anything in the world.

You sound as if this is his problem. It's your problem too as well as his Dad's. Get yourself some therapy, get into a family counselor. Let your boy know you've both made mistakes as parents that got you all to this place and you will do whatever it takes to learn how to move forward together. How will sending him away accomplish that?

Wait.
You want to GIVE UP on your son, when he most needs you?
How in the WORLD is that going to be good for him?
Our kids are nasty little buggers to us in their teens because they KNOW we will love them unconditionally, that we will never give up on them, that we will support them.
Sending him off to boarding school is showing him NONE of those things, will hurt him more than help him, and will put a wedge between you that may never be repaired.
You say HE has been seeing a therapist...have you? Have you been WITH him for months and months....not just once or twice? Has your ex husband?
My mother and I never got along....we still stuggle to get along and I am 37! Just last week we had a big talk and I point blank asked her why, if she could see that we were struggling so much as a mother and daughter, that she never took us to a counselor? Why didn't she, as a mother, try to make this better? Why did she, as a mother, kick me out of the home?
You will have some serious questions to answer as your son gets older. Do you have a good answer for giving up?

Poor kid.

Let me tell you - my ex husband was shipped away to a military boarding school. His father was also abusive, he also had difficulties in school, etc, etc.

He learned to control his sh!t around his parents and people in authority, but because his family never changed their dynamic in his absence, nothing truly changed.

As a result, my ex remained a very angry, dysfunctional person who then abused his wife and neglected his child. Fortunately, I had strong enough support to get my child out & into therapy very early .... But I hate that i let it happen at all.

It's so sad to me that once my ex was out of sight, his parents thought their problem was solved. Maybe it was; I don't know. But that attitude did nothing to tame the beast within my ex. He's an exceptionally smart, talented person and none of that means anything because it's buried under so much dysfunction.

My feeling is you & your kid's dad created the dysfunction within your child - it's your job to root it out, set it free, and set him on the path to wellness. You don't get to be "done", unless youre a selfish or sh!tty parent.

Arivaca Boys Ranch is is Arizona, not Utah. Did you know that? I would assume so, because you are thinking of moving your son there, and that is a completely different state.

You can look up info about violations/citations on Arizona's Office of Behaviorial Health's website. They have a lot! Here's a few:

http://tinyurl.com/ndooeme

Here's my advice: You aren't going to be able to buy your son a better parenting experience than what you can give him, if/when you decide he's worth it.

ETA: Rosebud, I think most (all?) moms understand the feeling, but we don't get to be "done" being mom. Most of us would never want to be done anyway (and not just because our kids aren't old enough, lol).

Completely agree with Birds and Christy. This is NOT the time to give up on your son. You can't just ship him off because things have become hard.

As a teacher, I feel that there is no excuse for 40 (really?? 40?) zeros in any grade book. You should be monitoring his study habits if you know there is a problem. Have you sat down and studied with him? Shown him HOW to study? Quizzed him before an upcoming test? Spoken to or e-mailed his teachers?

It's time for some structure and a new plan. Start with your son's school counselor and include him in the meeting. Find out what he wants to do after high school and give him a goal to work toward.

I think once you have everything put into place, you will see a reduction in the disrespect (possibly coming from his frustration with his situation).

Good luck to you and your son. Please keep us posted.

ETA: Thanks for the update, L.. I'm sorry to see that all of your hard work has not paid off... I think you are wise to consider alternate methods and given all that is going on in your life right now, I do wish you the very best. Again, please keep us posted. I'll keep positive thoughts for you!

I have several friends who went to boarding school and loved it. I also know all about the drugs, partying, and sex that happened away from their parents. Not that that does not happen with parents, but there you have it.
Has his therapist made a recommendation that you look into a boarding school, or is this just desparation? I don't have teenagers, I don't know what it is like to be in your shoes, so I am not judging you. I would just be very aware of how and why you are making the choice. If it is the best thing for your son, then it can be a great choice. But it is not a magical cure that puts all the work of helping your son on someone in Utah.

I am sorry you are having a hard time, and hope you find a solid solution soon!

I know a few kids who went to those types of schools. None of them had miraculous changes in character, although the experience wasn't entirely detrimental.

Most of those places are extremely expensive. Tens of thousands. But it gets the teenager out of your hair for a while, at least, and gives you all a break from each other.

I don't know of that particular school. If you can get positive recommendations for that school or another, and you can afford it, then I think a place that offers positive, strict male mentoring for a teen boy will be definitely worth a try. Most teen boys need a strong male mentor. Their spirits cry out for it. If dad can't do it, then someone else is worth a try.

Good luck, the teen years can definitely suck. But there's usually light at the end of the tunnel.

And I don't think that sending your teen away for a while is the end of the world or is "giving up" on him, as some below suggest. Why does a teen need to live with mom all the time? Sometimes moms can only do so much, and their teens are happy to be away from them.

BTW -- This does not need to be presented as something punitive. Why is going to school in another state for a while a bad thing? It can be an adventure. Rich people send their kids to boarding schools all the time. I don't think you present this as a punishment. He's obviously not interested in what he's currently doing, so there's no reason for him not to try this. He's 15, not 5. Anyone who doesn't understand feeling "done" hasn't parented long enough, or parented challenging children.

http://www.heartlightministries.org

Look at that place run by Mark Gregston. It's a Christian camp and he has a blog, is a published author and has some articles to read. He can refer you to another place if necessary.