My 15 year old daughter has gotten herself in a lot of trouble. I was wondering how other om's have dealt with their heartbreakings and maybe some advice.
Hi M.,
That depends....what sort of trouble? I have dealt with a lot of heartache but I can give youa few tips if I know just a bit more.
You can email me privately if you would prefer at ____@____.com
Remember the only constant is change and you don't know what tomorrow may bring.
Peace,
T.
I don't have advice from the parenting perspective yet, as my daughter is only just 9 months. But I can give you a little bit of insight from the "rowdy teen" perspective as I am largely responsible for my parents' grey hairs.
I don't know what your home situation is, and I in no way mean any disrespect with the things I am about to say. This is just for informational purposes, so please do with this what you will.
I took it upon myself to make my parents' lives miserable, because I felt that I was being done an injustice. My mom married for the second time when I was 6, and I can't say I've ever completely accepted her second husband as "the best she could have done". I think, at some point, all teens decide "its time to rebel", but for me it was more than that. I found a lot of fault in the way my parents were running the house, and I used those "wrongs" to fuel my already raging fire. I did everything from sneaking out to drinking to dating the "wrong guy" on purpose... What I thought I was doing was proving a point. Instead, looking back, it seems to me like maybe I was just screaming for structure and discipline. For attention. Even negative attention is better than nothing.
Here's a few things I would suggest. Most importantly, don't give up one her! I'll bet its just a phase. Secondly, instead of yelling, talk to her calmly and tell her that what she does hurts you and is very disappointing. That broke my heart when my mom said that to me. Yelling just gives her an excuse to yell back. Thirdly, keep the lines of communication open. I'm not sure if I just simply wore them out, but my parents quit asking me what my plans were, both for the weekend and for the rest of my life. I never would have gone to college if I hadn't learned to stand on my own two feet. Lastly, be a parent! It got to a point where it was so easy for me to lie to my parents about what I was doing who I was doing it with because they stopped checking up on the details of my stories.
I won't say that every bad choice I made didn't teach a little bit more about the way life works, but I think I would rather have learned all that through love and support than out of anger and spite.
I hope this, at least some of it, helps. As a new mom, I am axiously awaiting the day that I will be going through this same thing. Best wishes to you and your family!
My heart goes out to you. Our daughter started rebelling at 15 also. Deal with heartbreaks----maybe realize that it is not necessarily all your failings-these children get so many messages from the world that conflict with traditional values, and she is at the age to start following them.
Advice: tough love. Natural and your imposed consequences need to affect her swiftly and sternly to help her to determine that her path and strategies just aren't going to be profitable. Whatever you do, do not cover for her, bail her out of money issues because it just gets worse. I know. My husband kept covering for our daughter, he felt it was just minor rebellion. She is 26, and we are having to deal with it in SO MUCH LARGER terms. Get her into some good talk therapy, with your background you should be able to discern good therapists from "pop" therapists. Good luck!
My best advise would be to get yourself and your daughter in individual counseling as well as family counseling as your one daughters behavior is bound to have an affect on your other child. Good Luck.
Hi M.,
I really feel for you, tho I don't know which is worse, them or 2 teen boys at each other's throat once a month. I am a Mother of 5, the first 2 were girls,now married with families.In their teens, I was stricked and always grounding especially the oldest who is my closest friend now. Even after kicking her out she swears I was the best! Ok, for my remedy, don't put down the shield of armor, be it help from hubby, neighbors, and their girlfriend's parents should all be involved. The larger the force the stronger the hold. Don't forget to flourish the love, trust and friendship. Though remember to not lift up a helping hand while their efforts are none. Sometimes a good down to earth Motherly Love across the face wakes up a whole new personality. You are not alone and I still think the boys are worse!
M.,
My daughter is very young, so I haven't experienced this from a parent's point of view. But, when I was younger I put my parents through a bit of hell, so I thought I would chime in.
1) Understand that this is about her, not you. Regardless of how heartbroken you feel, don't blame yourself when you're talking to her. Talk in terms of action, and ask her questions - open ended questions- about her situation. If she's forced to think and talk through the situation, you might find that she gets a better understanding of just what she's done. For example, if she's pregnant ask her how she's going to support herself and this child without getting emotional. Don't fill in the blanks, just get her to think about it.
2) Don't tell her she needs "help" but ask if she'd be interested in talking to someone objective - a professional can be of great help in a bad situation and can help her sort out why she's making negative decisions that will adversely impact her future. A lot of kids will object to seeing a therapist if they feel like you're telling them they're crazy, but the reality is that she'll likely get a lot out of talking to an objective adult that isn't you or another authority figure. Someone they can say anything to. Make an appointment for her and take her there. Tell her that you feel like you're too angry, heartbroken, or whatever you're feeling to communicate with her the way you want to and that you want her to feel like she can talk to someone. That you hope she'll approach the therapist with an open mind and heart. Consider seeing a therapist together to mediate if you are having trouble talking to her without fighting. Consider seeing a therapist yourself so that YOU have someone to help you figure out the best way to approach the situation and to help you get past the hurt and heartbreak that you're feeling so that you can be a strong support for your daughter.
3)Find resources. No matter what her situation is, there is probably an organization that can help. Don't treat this as though you want to "solve" the situation, show her that whatever the scenario, nothing is hopeless, by being proactive. When you find resources that can help her, make the appointment for her, be there to support her, but don't speak for her, she needs to own the situation and its outcome.
These are my personal opinions, and there is no right way to parent. Kids don't come with an instruction book, and they'll surprise you every time with their behavior and point of view. But, this is my advice without knowing the details of your situation. Good luck, and know that you are a good mother with good instincts and lots of love for your children. You will get through this, and the pressure you feel now has the ability to enrich your relationship with your daughter in the long run if you look at it as a positive possibility for growth in your relationship with her. Easier said than done, but possible.
Much love and hope to you,
T.
You haven't said what the trouble is, but first off let me say that my heart goes out to you. It wouldn't be heartbreaking if you didn't love her so much.
My 14 year old son has pretty much been giving us a run for our money since he was 12. I found a couple things that have helped. One, was to consciously spend more time with him and even when he balks and complains, I take him with me every chance when I leave the house until he can prove he is trustworthy. When problems were getting more serious, we simply had to ask for help from church, school and a couselor. After seeing a counselor for a couple months, things have been much better and we know we can call her again if needed in the future.
Consider your resources depdending on the problem.You don't have to do this on your own. If you want to email me offline, feel free.
p.s. I ditto the "don't give up on her" advice. Sometimes I would look at my son straigh in the eyes and tell him "I will NEVER give up on you no matter how hard you want to make this." Sometimes it was just as much for me to hear when I was frustrated.
Gosh I feel for you I am a 28 year ols stay at home mother of two but befor all that I was probably just like your daughter.... you see I was very depressed and dabbled with drugs older guys and lost all respect for myself and all the people who loved me BUT! There is hope I am not quite sure what it was that turned me around my parents tried everything from psychs to temporary group homes designed to scare me and give my poor parents a break. You never know what exactly triggers self destructive behavior but mine started with puberty then threw all of our lived into a depresion caused tailspin downward. Not at all that your problem is about me I just want you to know this isnt the end. I am not even sure if there is a sure fix or solution but I do know that my mother was and is made of forgiving steel. she was alwayse there for me not giving in but (there) I do believe that if it werent for her being available even when I was making her life hell I never would have had the strength to change I alwayse knew I had a home even if she wasnt going to fix everything or let me get away with averything I still new I wasnt alone. I dont know if this helps I hope it does in some way hang in there you must be a loving mom to seek help just keep loving even when its hard!!!!!! GOOD LUCK
The only answer for me has been found in my relationship with God. We fostered a teen daughter who eventually ran away and got herself in a world of trouble. Through lots of prayer she eventually reconciled herself to the family and got married. Kids do bring heartache; for me, God brings the persepctive and hope to walk them through to the finish line no matter how hard they (or I!) stumble!
May you find peace.
Hi M.,
I am also without the parent perspective on this one. However, I did have a lot of issues as a teenager and then recently stood by my husband as he had to deal with the drama of his sister going through tough teen years. It was interesting to watch my sister-in-law through the eyes of an adult but still with empathy that comes from my own memories of that time. Now that I have a son (who just turned 2) I realize how difficult it is to let children grow up to make their own mistakes. I hope I will have the courage to help him when I can and to let him go when I have to.
Recently I played hostess to a good friend's 17 year old daughter. They are having a really hard time with her but of course she was very well behaved when she stayed with me. When they came to get her the mother/daughter stuff started up immediately.
I actually recommend some distance if possible and if you have a family member or friend who you trust and is willing to help. Also, I recommend family mediation as opposed to family counseling. Mediation helps with the ways in which we talk to each other. You and your daughter can focus on communication and ways for both of you to listen and feel heard instead of blaming each other for what is happening.
I am actually writing my thesis right now on mother/daughter conflict (after the daughter becomes a mother). I was inspired by personal experience. My mom and I are very close but we fought like I was a teenager again for the first year of my son's life. We were both very frustrated to know that all our issues didn't get resolved!:). I hope that your daughter will be okay and I hope you will be as well. My friend whose teenager I just had visit me said it helped her when I told her, "AS I look back on my life, I feel like aliens took over my body when I was 13 and didn't return it until I left home."
Hello M.-
I know exactly what you're going through...kinda. I can give you advice from the child's perspcetive, because I was that child. I got into alot of trouble very early on. If you need any advice from that perspective just let me know.
-E.
