Hi,
I have a 4 year old nephew who refuses to use the potty for bowel movements. (He will urinate in potty.) He wears regular underwear during the day and requests a pull-up for bm. When they withhold the pull-up he refuses to go and will hold it until it starts to leak down his leg. They have done this on several occasions with the same results. They are exhausted and have used bribes, punishment, positive reinforcements, & reasoning. When he is asked why he will not do poopy on the potty he only responses with " I am afraid of the hole". They have offered a training potty and said there is no hole... but he still refuses to sit and go.
He does go to daycare/school for 3 hours a day/ 3 days a week but has never had to go during that time or will hold it until he gets home. (most bm are at night)
Anyone have any suggestions? Or is this something that will play itself out eventually. What is the oldest age a child has been potty trained?
I would like to say Thank You for all of the wonderful advise and feedback. This was my first request and it was so comforting to have so many wonderful replies.
I have passed along all of your suggestions to my sister-in-law. She and I are so relieved to know that my nephew is not the only one that is going/ has gone through this similar experience. They are starting to implement many of your suggestions. Sometimes just getting a little reminder to chill out and let it pass is all you need to hear as a mom! He did have an "accident" yesterday while they were out ... as my sister-in-law was bathing and cleaning him up she told him that they could go to the store and he could pick out his own potty and they could put it in his room and he could close the door and have private time when he wanted to do poopy. She said he sat there and listened so closely and then replied with a big smile " I want a RED ONE!" We will see how it goes.
Thanks again for so many comforting words and suggestions! My sister-in-law and I are very grateful for your time and thoughts!
try cutting a hole in the pull-up (don't tell him) and have him sit on the potty to poop in the pull-up. This just worked for a friend of mine.......
I too had this same exact problem with my oldest son. I know how frustrating it is. I had a long talk with my son's pediatrician at his 4 year old check up (he was actually almost 4 1/2). The pediatricisn said it is very normal and that it is the parent with the hang up. Not to pressure the child. What ended up working with me is that I drew a bulls eye on a paper towel and put it in a small potty seat and told my son "I bet you can't hit the bulls eye". He is very competitive by nature and he wanted to prove me wrong. For my daughter when I was potty training her I drew a silly picture of a person with his tongue sticking out and told her to pee on the "pee pee person". She would always ask for the pee pee person when she had to go. I know it sounds silly- but what ever it takes. Let it go- quit stressing about it. It will happen. I promise.
In order to help him get more comfortable with the toilet, I'd let him have his diaper with the condition that he sits on the toilet to poop with the diaper on. After he's more comfortable with it, he can transition to doing it without the diaper.
My concern would be using a potty at age 4, next year is kindergarten, there are not potties at school, only real toilets.
Hi C.,
Oh my, that's a tough one.
Well, maybe you should try to make him understand that kindergarten doesn't take kids who can't use the "hole" and he'll be left home for a veeeeerrrrryyyy loooooong time till he knows how to use the "hole".
At 4, he has a sound level of understanding and it's surprising he doesn't get persuaded to use the hole.
Or, maybe get a swanky toilet ring with all the bells and whistles to catch his fancy, turn the whole activity into a fun game/time.
I learnt from my 2 boys that potty training needs tons of patience and a huge amount of understanding. Like we had a tough time with our 2nd son coz we started him when under 2 yrs. His level of understanding was low, so we had to go back to pull ups for 3 months or so and after that he picked up the idea: he understood better what we were telling him.
Good luck
L.
Helping Moms Work From Home.
HI C., Let me say I feel your frustrations. We just went through the exact same thing. My son will be 4 late Nov. On his 3rd birthday I wrote in to these awsome moms and just waited till he was ready. In April he started peeing on the toilet and not one accident. He would ask for a diaper to do #2 so we would put on a pull up and let him do his thing. About 3 weeks ago his dad took him in the bathroom and sat him on the toilet and MAGIC. My point is don't let this stress you out. You know the child and what would work in your house. Hang in there and be patient and persistant. Best of luck, D.
Many children are afraid of 'losing' part of themselves, either from BMs or haircuts. (Another reason to train the child BEFORE he can talk) It sounds like he is afraid of the plop when the bm comes out. Show him some nasty food that you have allowed to go bad and explain how it stinks and will make him sick, so it has to be thrown away. Then tell him that his bm also stinks so people can tell it is bad and has to be thrown away. Perhaps he is afraid he will fall in the toilet and get flushed.If so, show him that big things cant get flushed by putting a ball in there and flushing and tell him that he will not fall down the hole since he is bigger than the ball.
He is certainly old enough to understand these explanations and if he still refuses, I would think it is a power struggle and simply make him sit.
maybe something as simple as another "potty" and not the ring over the "big hole" first.
C.,
We too had this problem with my daughter. She was a bit younger but absolutely refused to use the potty. I tried many of the suggestions below - cutting a hole in a diaper, restricting her to the bathroom, letting it go and waiting another month. The problem was she was holding her stool so much that it actually hurt for her to go when she did. It started a very vicious cycle of control and withholding. So here is what we did. We started her on mineral oil - 1 TBS 2xday to help soften her stools so they wouldn't hurt. Then I ceremonially gave away all of her diapers and pull ups. They were gone. When she had to go I offered her to sit on the potty and she held it. After 1 1/2 days I knew she had to go so we took a warm bath and as I got her out of the bath I would put vaseline on her bum and sit her on the potty. We went from the bath to the potty for almost an hour but she finally went. She cried the whole time saying she was scared but once she did it felt soo relieved. I gave her a big reward and the next day we it went so much easier. She never held it again... I know it is hard knowing what is right but we had to break the cycle because it was hurting her body.
I am experiencing the same thing with my 3.5 year old daughter. I spoke with a children's behavioral psychologist and was told to make a chart and take my daughter to the store and buy her favorite stickers. Every time she poops on the potty she gets a sticker on the chart. When she gets three stickers on the chart, she gets some small toy that I keep in a box from the 99 cent store. She won't tell me she has to go but I can tell when she is about to go and then I sit her on the potty. She cries but gets excited once it comes out. My daughter has been peeing on the toilet for a year but never pooped because she was always constipated and I guess it was too frightening to sit on the toilet. 6 weeks ago we took away the diaper to poop and the doctor also started her on a laxitive three days a week. At least I now know that she is not in any discomfort. The rest is behavioral and the psychologist said to tie the pooping into a rewards system. Punishment, I was told, is counterproductive. It won't make them poop on the toilet.
We had a similar problem with my daughter... she was pee trained long before being poop trained and would ask for a diaper to poop in. The rule was she had to go in the bathroom to do it. What finally worked for us though, was that we put a potty seat in her room, with a towel under it. She would usually poop first thing in the morning anyway, when she had a diaper on anyway, so we just told her, "here is a potty if you want it, you can use it all by yourself in the morning, and call us when you need us to help wipe". The next morning she used the potty no problem... and ever since. We left the potty in her room for a week or two, then moved it to the bathroom and at that point she just decided to use the grown up toilet. So, maybe put a potty in his room to give him a little more control and privacy... who knows... it might work! Good Luck!
For our son, who was 3 1/2, we had him listen for the "plop" sound of the poo. It distracted him from other concerns. That, and we said, "bye bye poopie, see you next time" (kind of like a team cheer... things I never thought I'd do!)
By 4, they can come up with their own ideas of what they need -- what about saying, house rule: people must put their poop in the potty -- now, friendly 4 year old, how can we make that happen?
There's no "potty training boot camp" but is it possible for him to be around a less sympathetic adult for 24-36 hours? So mom and dad aren't the bad guys...
Hi C.,
We had a similar issue with our son (just turned 4 and entering full day Pre-K) in September. When we started potty training him, we used a sticker chart and prize box (with $1 store goodies). Once he got comfortable with #1 on the toilet, we started giving him stickers/rewards for going #2. Our son went #2 on the toilet on a couple of random occasions. When he did, we made a great big deal over it to encourage him. Otherwise, like your nephew, he would wait for the pull-up (which we put on him for nights). Eventually, his body's "schedule" changed, and he would feel the urge to go during the day - usually after we got home from school. By that time, he was so comfortable with the bathroom routines that he'd just do it himself - then ask for help with wiping. Moral of the story: Sometimes they just need to do it on their own terms. My son had bathroom fears as well, and just needed to overcome it when he was ready - not when I was ready!
Best of luck!
Hello,
I used a reward system with my son and it really motivated him to use the bathroom. At first he actually went to the bathroom and dirtied himself before using the potty, but we still gave him half a sticker for trying. Once he started using the potty we would give him a whole sticker. We also got him a potty that made noise (people clapping) whenever he used the bathroom and I have to say this really helped. I hope one of these ideas might help your nephew. Good luck and let me know if it helps.
P.S. Also try to read him a
book about children using the potty.
Sincerely,
J.
