Seeking Help in Holbrook Az

Hi D.-
I know this must be a very difficult time for all of you. I am no expect, but my personal feelings are, he wanted to give up on you before you gave up on him (the second time around) Im not sure how his life was before living with you again, but good or bad it was change. He was now living with someone new and didnt know very well.
There should be lots of communication and tears talking about the past and future. What are HIS goals, what does HE like to do for fun, what does HE expect to gain from having you back in his life full time. How this has effected HIM with the state move.
Dont give up... there is always hope, but Im sure couseling for both of you would be good.
Good Luck!

Have you gone to therapy yet? you have been out of his life for 10 years...that means 10 years worth of issues. This is something a professional therapist can help you with. BOTH of you need to go! This problem you have is not minor stuff...no amount of mamasource can solve this. In the meantime, take away his weapons and don't give them back until he at least tries counseling. Bribery sucks but it works sometimes.

Hi D.,
I want to share a few things and I hope it is helpful. You have a very tough situation and i went and read the original question and response.
Truth is always hard to hear and as i heard the pain in your letters and the tough choices you have had to make; there is no doubt you have had to make hard choices.
That is what it comes down to - choices. I think not knowing your entire situation, you need to feel confident or at least content with the choices you made. You can't go back only forward. There are consequences to all of our choices and some are not pleasant. Your son is making choices in the way he has responded to you. Not good ones, i might add but none the less choices.
The hard part is sometimes they are made without thought but more from deep inside those wounded places.
It is so hard to be a parent and we can always second guess ourselves with our responses to them.
I agree with alot of those people out... take it slow, learn about boundaries for yourself, your sons and any relationships you have. Get into some good counseling and try to understand what drove you to make those choices so long ago and learn how to deal with youself so you are not doing things out of guilt or should haves. There is so much freedom in doing things because they are right and selfless. It will take time for your son to trust and the question is are you committmented to following through with that process? It will be painful because trust was broken when you left them. It was the right thing to do yet it still is painful. It was painful for you as well as them. They didn't have the understanding of the why. That doesn't make the why wrong it just but it also doesn't make it right in their eyes either.
I want you to know that there is no condemnation that i am feeling towards you only respect for you wanting to do the right thing. It is hard and painful and I know that it is not hopeless. I have had tough situaions in my life and honestly the place i have found hope is in Jesus Christ. He knows your situation, He loves you and He loves your children and He can make the situation "new" again. Do you know him? It is not about being right and doing these steps to be a good person. Jesus loves you because He created you and YOU are valuable! Don't live in fear of others or only look for the validation of how you feel. Dig deep, take the words and mediatate on the hard and continue to make changes in your life. You are not alone. Psalm 18:16- 19 says: He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They ocnfronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because He delighted in me.

D., God delights in you! Maybe this is too much but it is truth and I felt led to share it. Not many will agree with me and that is okay. If this touches you and I pray that it will, then that is all that matters.
Be strong and keep moving forward.

Hello D.. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I think when children act up it's because they need attention - not always, but in this case it is obvious. Your son hasn't lived with you in so long, and moving back in with you was a major change for him. Children (generally speaking) don't adjust to change as well as adults do, and even some adults have difficulty with change themselves. I think the worst thing you could have done was to give up on him. It's like abandoning him twice. I hope you don't take that offensively, it's my opinion. My daughter lived with me until she was ten, then went to live with her father for a few years after that. She came back to live with me when she was 16, and there were soooooo many times that I wanted to "give her back" because she tried and tested me to the point where I thought I would break. She definitely was not the same little girl that she was when she last lived with me. Anyway, one thing that my dad told me many, many years ago is that children need stability, and I strongly believe that. I never wanted my daughter to go back and forth between her father and I, but he was also his child, so I made sacrifices. It has been hard on her, changing schools, having different friends, etc.. but the most important thing is that she is in a stable home, and with someone who is not going to give up on her. Yes, she tries my patience, often, but on the other hand she is a sweetheart and very helpful. She should have been a Gemini! lol The only advice I can give you is that while you guys can't get back all those years that you weren't together, you can start now. It's never too late. Be strong, know that he is your child, someone you love, and who loves you, and try to make it work. Do not let it get to the point where he causes you physical health problems, try to fix things before they get that far. Another mom on here is trying to start a support group for mothers of teens, and I think this is a very good thing. Since we don't live close to each other, we have decided that on line is the way to go, and to hopefully find other moms in our own areas to meet with. Raising teenagers can be so challenging - they are coming into adulthood and testing limits. Our job as parents is to guide them in the right direction, and hope that they make the right decisions. We need to be good examples for our kids - they learn from our actions. Anyway, not sure if you're interested, but if so, let me know, and we'll see what we can get going in Arizona, too!!! Good luck to you :)

I am not sure if you acheived your sobriety via a 12 step or on your own, but I would turn to AA and Al-anon and Al-a-teen for answers. Remember that while you were working to get sober and to reclaim your children, they were going through their own issues and even though giving them up was for their own safty, to a kid, it still feels like abandonment.

My heart really goes out to you so take this as an e-hug.

Hello D.,
Let me first congratulate you on 9 1/2 years sober. Very tough to do, I know many people who are clean addicts and know that it is an accomplishment. I am hoping that you are working very closely with a sponsor, and working the 12 steps daily with her. She should with the help of the program teach you how to live unselfishly, while still remaining sober. I wonder if you have ever made ammends to your children? VERY important step, especially with close family. I frankly was shocked to read that you had finally taken your son back because the stress was causing YOU health problems. While I don't doubt that stress was causing you problems, I think that is a terrible reason to begin caring for your son again. I can just imagine what terrible things may have happened to him and your other child when you chose to put them into the "system" instead of checking yourself into a rehab and work on yourself. I would imagine that your son feels that you ruined HIS life. This is not all about you. Of course he is not going to automatically respect you, that has to be earned. You don't know how he feels, and his life has been changed again, without his consent I assume. He has no control over his life. HE is confused and hurt. You have been in and out of his life, and he has been affected. He needs to be in ALA-teen. He has issues that he has to address. And it's very hard to live with an addict, even a sober one. Step one in AL-ANON says that we have no control over people, places and things. That's how your son feels. He had no control over you, his life, where he lived, etc. This needs to be about him. Your whole letter was about you and what he has done to you, try to see things from his point of view. He also should NOT be allowed to get away with the disrespectful things that he has been doing. But he needs to know that you won't bail on him again. Get some help. There are churches, etc., and people in Ala-teen can help you with direction. He is only 15, a very hard age. FIND HIM, and do what is best for HIM this time. Ask him what has happened to him, listen, and make ammends to him. Be patient, you can bet he has been through a lot, more than a child should. Call your sponsor. There is help, for BOTH of you. I wish the best for you and your children,
V.

Love and respect. It may not always be easy, but love and respect will get you through everything. You and your son are learning who you both are, "growing pains" are a fact. He is testing his boundaries with you. You have to let him know that you love him unconditionally. You amy not always like the things he does, but loving him is guarnanteed.

I have worked with many families in similar situations. There is no "one way", there is no "magic answer", there is no "this works everytime", other than loving each other. He is angry, scared, and most of all confused. 10 years not living with you then living with you? That is HUGE. He needs space, time and love. Stay firm in your boundaries, what you will accept and what you won't. He will understand very quickly.

My experience has been, it really doesn't matter how tough a kid is...he still wants/needs his mama. It is not overt, it may not even be said, but he needs his mama. Be there for him. Let him know that you love him unconditionally, that you will always be there for him and never, never say anything that you don't mean. Empty threats or empty promises will build that wall between you even higher.

I am a family wellness coach and I have to add my professional 2 cents. What you are feeding him will make a HUGE difference in his attitude and in his beahviour. Food can be a family's friend or a family's enemy. My goal is to teach families how to use food and nutrition to have an amazing lifelong experience. If you want to discuss options, just contact me.

B.
Family Wellness Coach