I Dont Know What to Do Anymore???

Dear S.,
I want to encourage you to find an Al-anon meeting in your area. Al-anon is an anonymous fellowship made up of the friends and relatives of alcoholics who gather to share their experience, strength and hope. It is a way of finding peace in your life and heart, regardless of if the alcoholic is drinking or not.

You can find a meeting in Orange County by calling ###-###-#### or logging onto www.orangecountyalanon.org. I urge you to try this (free)program - it has helped millions of people, including me.
Good luck, L.

You havd some difficult decisions to make -- PLEASE go to an Al-Anon meeting and ask for support. You have your hands full, are dealing with a REALLY emotional and hard decision -- and you need support. RUN don't walk, to an Al-Anon meeting.

Before you make any decisions on what you need to do, please go to Al-Anon. They can help you make the right decision for you and your children. Here's the website: www.al-anon.alateen.org. On the site you can find the location and time of a meeting close to you, and you'll find the meeting full of people who know what you're going through and who have been where you are.

Go to an Al-Anon meeting. Go to a counselor. Talk to your religious leader. It's a serious problem that your husband has and if he doesn't stop drinking, it will break up your home. Sometimes, you have to walk away. Go stay with a family member or trusted friend, telling him that you're not coming home until he gets help. Don't just threaten, do it. And if he starts to get physically abusive, call the cops. He needs a catalyst for change, and you leaving may be just that. If he does get help, then maybe you can fix this. But if not, you're going to be on your own. Prayers go out to you.

Hello S.. I am 30 and have a husband and a 9 year old son. I grew up with people who drank too much in my life and still have people I desperately love who drink, are alcoholics, and who are now sober. This is a very difficult thing to deal with. I now go to something called Al-Anon which is a group of people who have been affected in some way by another person's drinking. They talk about how to get through it and deal with the pain of loving a person who drinks too much. This has worked for me. I hope and pray that you will find some help. I don't know where you live, but if you wanted to look something up on the internet, the website is www.orangecountyalanon.org It has a 20 question thing to see if alanon is for you. It has really helped me, well, saved me from a lot of pain and now I have the most peaceful happy life. Not perfect, but good. Best wishes and hope for the future of you and your family, M.

I think you do know what you have to do. For starters, go somewhere safe (to a family member, a friend, speak to your clergyperson), take your daughter with you. It will help you clear your head so you can decide how you want to proceed.

Try attending some Al-Anon meetings, they have them everywhere.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
from the website:
For meeting information in Canada, the US, and Puerto Rico you can call 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) Monday through Friday, 8:00am to 6:00pm ET.

S., I am so sorry to read this... you should really seek help. For yourself AND especially for your daughter and soon-to-be. Your husband needs help too, but he has to want it and that's not your concern. In the meantime, help yourself!!! There are many support groups you can go to. Find your local Al-anon group for starters. They can help steer you in the right direction. YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH! YOU MATTER! THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!! HELP YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN! I hope it works out for you.

Go to Al-Anon. You're not alone. There is support and hope.

I don't want to sound insensitive or pretend I know you but I am one to believe that all women are strong and should not put up with a man's bull****. It may not be easy at first but in the long run you will be happier by leaving him. You and your children deserve someone who cares about how you feel. I hope it works out and that you make the right decision.

I don't see where there is a question - LEAVE. Why would you even consider staying in a relationship like that? And why would you want to have another child with someone like that? I would leave him, get your life on track with your children, and seek help to find out why you are looking for that type of relationship.

Hi S.,
Unfotunately you will have to be the one to decide what you are wiling to trade for a life with him. He will not stop drinking for you or your children. The only person he can stop drinking for is himself. My advise is to go on and live your life without him and if he comes around to being sober, you can decide then what to do. Truly, your children now only have you to make intelligent decisions for their lives, and they are your priority now, not him. He has his chance to act like a responsible adult, and if he does not choose that, you must do it for him. You cannot change him, no matter how hard you try. This is his work to do. If you trade your life and the lives of your children for having him around no matter what, you will regret that decision. I have been exactly where you are at. Sooner is better than later. If you leave, it may become worse, it may be a wake-up call for him, but you cannot put expectations on him. You will be disappointed. Please take care of yourself and your babies.

S., It sounds as though you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You might want to get professional help from a counselor or through your doctor. We can't change others; We can only change ourselves. So, stop waiting on your husband to change and change yourself by seeking help, remaining calm during your pregnancy and working it out how you feel is best for your family. I wish you well.

Drinking gets worse. If he is drinking daily, there is a problem. If he won't go to counseling or AA programs, then you should do what you said and leave. If this doesn't open his eyes, then nothing will.

I know it's hard to raise children on your own, but it can be done. I raised 3 children for 5 years, and finally found someone better.

J.

In Alanon you will find many, many in the same situation with great advise on a solution. get to a meeting, TODAY (they have child care).
Plus, why do YOU and your kids have to leave? Put his clothes and belongings out the door and change the locks! You must have a strong support system because an alcoholic will explode at "indignation". there is hope here, I have heard many men admit that if their wives hadn't been firm, they would never had changed.

S.,

I'm a recovering alcoholic with over 7 years of sobriety. I can tell you from my own personal experience and 12-year battle with alcoholism that your husband will not change unless he truly wants to for himself. Even then, as it was for me, he may want to change but not know how or live in so much fear of never having another drink that he's paralyzed by that fear. Should he choose to get help it is a long process as another woman already stated. It seems like such an easy thing to do in a non-alcoholic's eyes - just stop drinking and the problem is solved. Unfortunately, just eliminating alcohol isn't the answer. There's more to alcoholism than just drinking too much. There's a lot of emotional stuff that needs to be taken care of after the alcohol has been eliminated. No matter how much he loves you and the children, he can't change for you or them, only for himself. Unfortunately, as long as an alcoholic is drinking their promises to change mean nothing or they are short lived. The drinking will only get worse as time goes by and if he stops for a while but then starts again it will usually be worse than it was before he stopped. The advice already provided by several of the women here is just what you need to do. Definitely go to Al-Anon and try to find a women's only meeting as well as a mixed meeting. They can help you understand your husband's alcoholism and help you make those hard decisions that you're faced with. Find a safe place to live, get some money together, and go to trusted family and friends who will help you.

Please feel free to respond to me directly if I can help you with anything.

My prayers are with you,

A.

This is from a old answer I wrote. I hope you can get help.
Laura's house has been around for a very long time. Please call them. They are so helpful. They really care and know how to handle situations like this. They are trained for this type of things like I said they know. They use to even have places for the women to go they probley still do? S.H. advice is so right. Please becareful.

http://www.laurashouse.org/
Laura's house is a counseling center in San Clemente, Ca for abused women. It's great call them. They should have answers for you. They will tell you what to take if you leave medications etc. Don't let him drag you down. Please get help it is NOT your fault.
Sue

24 Hour, 7 days a week (Toll Free Hotline):
(866)498-1511 (or) ###-###-####

For women and children in need of emergency shelter.

Here are some other names and numbers:
National DV hotline #: 1-800-799-7233
Human Opts
WTLC
Interval house
Sheepfold

The main thing you need to do is protect yourself and your child from further verbal or physical harm. Does your husband work during the day? If he does, that will be an opportunity for you to make an escape plan. Call a relative or friend that you trust. Pack clothes/personal items for yourself and your baby in a suitcase and go to stay with a relative or friend that you trust. If there are no relatives or friends you trust, get in contact with a women's shelter and stay there. It is your responsibility as a mom to protect your child. If you stay and things get worse, it will only make things harder for both you and your child. Enlist the help of the police if needed. Don't sit around arguing with your husband or talking with him about the marriage or his drinking. It won't do anything except tick him off, because he is in denial of any problems. Don't threaten to leave him, just do it for your safety.

I agree with the others here about Alanon meetings, but the main thing first is your safety and the safety of your child and unborn baby. Once you are safe, then you can start going to Alanon meetings.

Best of luck,
J.

Go to Alanon. Get a sitter and make sure you go ALL THE TIME YOU NEED IT. This is your husband's problem and it also needs attention from you. I just got my son out of treatment and they can get better.

S.,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Being 8 weeks pregnant,I am sure you are feeling a flurry of emotions. Everyone here has given you amazing advice.

Please make sure you tell your family and close friends right away. Others need to know so that they can look out for you and are aware. Secondly, do not tell him you are going to leave. As others have stated, we see crazy stuff in the news all of the time. If you do, he may try to prevent you from being on the phone or going somewhere. I would consult a psychiatrist or a mental health expert to find out what your next steps should be.

In my mind, I would consider leaving right away...packing a bag and essentials for both you and your daughter. And if he has threatened you at all, I would also consider filing a police report with the local authorities. I'm sure all of this is daunting and scary to you, but it needs to be done. Once you make the first step, everything will follow...

You are young, you have your WHOLE life to live out with someone who is wonderful and nurturing. Don't let this go on any longer. Just be careful of your steps and make sure that he isn't on to you if you do plan to leave......Please let us all know what you've ended up doing......

S., I can't even fathom what you're going through, but I think you do know what to do, it's just extremely difficult to admit. You must leave him, esp. for the sake of your children. They will see the way he treats you and think it's okay. Unfortunately, actions do speak louder than words. All my best to you as you struggle through this extremely difficult time. But, leave him, leave him, leave him!

P.S. Let us know how things turn out.

Leave and do it immediately. He is an alcoholic, it's a disease, he needs help, he is not going to stop drinking whether you stay or go. You have to keep yourself, your daughter, and your pregnancy safe. 'He doesn't care' comes from his disease, it's not you. It is unsafe for you to stay there. If you stay you are enabling him to drink, you don't want him to lose control and harm you or your child or unborn child. You cannot help him, you have to leave, it is very sad, but you must leave and go where you are all safe. Don't threaten to leave, just go. You will be OK.

Ditto the Al-Anon! I know it's tough to go in depth, but even the sober alcoholic can be tough to deal with, I found my way back to me through the help of others with life experience and guidance and love.

Good Luck. Be strong and don't be afraid to ask for help.

go to Google and search Al-anon, is a group for families that have to deal with situations like yours.

I just check and they even have groups online, so you can get help without living your home.

The best of the best for you and be strong, no more excuses, he will not change, the only one can change is you.

Good Luck S.
Doris :)

Call Al-Anon Today -- for your sake and for your children.

By taking care of yourself you'll be a better mother and you will teach them to take care of themselves. This is like food and sleep, just what you need, so what you have to do.

You will get through this One day, or even one minute at a time, you will.

This is a dangerous situation for you and your kids. Call Al-Anon right away and ask their advice, you must protect your children no matter what. I prayed for you, God will help you if you let Him!

Hi S.:

It is possible that your husband has an alcohol problem. Alanon would be a great place to start for you.
When you have a partner, normal is to be treated with respect & love. Try to draw a line between exceptable behavior/not exceptable behaviors. When someone is not talking, or when they are talking, it is bad words or hurtful, ignoring, treats you like you are nothing, that is punishing & very controlling. Don't give idle threats. He will get the point if you say what you mean & mean what you say. Work on yourself,what you need, how you should be treated & what you should about being treated like that, not how you can Make him change. Sincerely, D. H.

The first thing to address is the pregnancy. Do you want this baby? Does your husband want this baby? If not, you should make an appointment to have an abortion before you get any further along. I can tell you from experience, that it is way less difficult to have an abortion than it is to have a baby. Then you need to figure out if you want to stay with your husband. Do you have options to stay with family or friends while you find out if you want to try to mend your relationship or leave him permanently? He needs to get sober. It would be horrible to have to share custody with a man who is not reliably sober. You have big things to grapple with... but you need to take steps to secure a stable future for yourself and your daughter. Saying a prayer for white light healing for you and your family. Sending all of you love.

S.,
You need to leave him. I know it's hard but think of the example you are setting for your daughter--that it's ok to be treated that way! For her sake, as much as yours, you need to go.

It's possible that once you have left, he will realize what a jerk and alcoholic he has been and will straighten up. It's also possible that it will just keep getting worse and worse if you don't go.

Your daughter's entire framework for healthy relationships, with men as well as women, rests in your hands right now.

Good luck.

I think you do know what to do - this is not a safe place for you and your children, and, scary as it might seem to leave, it is far more frightening to imagine what might happen if you stay. Either go to a friend or relative - without telling him you're leaving - or go to a women's shelter. You didn't mention whether he's become violent, but you don't want to stick around to find out, do you? This is hard, but the only thing that matters now is keeping yourself and your daughter safe.

Hi S.,

I'm so sorry for your situation. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Please seek out a counselor for yourself. If money is an issue, there are several churches that offer no cost/low cost counseling (mine included), and you do not have to be a church going person to be helped by them.

Your husband needs to see that although YOU cannot change his behavior, you will not put up with it and you will not allow your children to be in an abusive home.

I will pray for your situation.

Best wishes,

N.

I know you have an overwhelming amount of support and advice right now, but I would like to add mine. Your first priorities are your two babies! What your husband wants or needs right now is totally irrelevent. Are the babies (born and unborn) in a safe and loving environment? If not, you need to move them. You have the strength to do what you need to do. If you have friends and family, now is the time to lean upon them. Alanon is a must! Good luck to you and let us know how it goes. Lots of prayers are being sent your way!

Try Alanon meetings. It's a life saver. Will teach you how to focus on yourself and you will find infinite love, support and experience there. R.

Hi S.:
You've already received a lot of thoughtful responses from caring strangers,who,obviously don't know you,but care about you and the sad predicament your in.Some important points have been left out here. You didn't mention,how long your husband has had this drinking problem.Is this a binge hes recently gone on?Has he been a drinker for years? This can make a difference,in the way you handle this.If he recently started this behavior,it could be,that he is over whelmed with the news of your pregnancy.A lot of men,especially young men,turn to alcohol when they feel stressed,or over burdened. This is by no means any excuse for his behavior,or abusive treatment of you.Mine is simply A distant observation.Your husband,is not the first,nor will he be the last man,who freaked out,at the news of A "New Baby" (ADDED RESPONSIBILITY)If this is the case,then you should focus on preserving this relationship. I would tell him, that you refuse to be treated this way,or subject your child to this abusive environment.I'd tell him, that either you both go to counseling,or your leaving.Then follow through.If he is going out and drinking,then he's seeking comfort,from company.If he's drinking at home,he's still seeking that comfort from you.If this drinking has been going on for quite a while,then he needs help.If your like most young mothers,you haven't the time,or wheels to get too regular al anon meetings.I'm sure the organization has helped many family members of alcoholics. Personally,I would feel angry and rather pathetic,having others tell me how to LIVE (no matter how miserably) with an alcoholic,when in fact,they are the only one that can help themselves. I'd talk to a trusted friend,or family member,about your concerns. Someone,who can help guide you and validate your feelings.The important thing for you to realize right now,is that your not alone,and that you deserve to be treated with the same love and respect your husband showed when you first fell in love.I wish you,and your husband the best.

Tell him you love him and you want to be loved in return, or LEAVE. He wont change. He doesnt even have general manners or respect for you let alone deeper marriage issues there will be...not even manners to start with. If he doesnt love you in return, LEAVE. Your babies will act like him if they're around him. He's an alcoholic and if he doesnt get help there is NO OTHER WAY. I'm telling you alcohloics run all through my family.

Wendy

YOu need to get yourself, your daughter and your unborn child out of this situation. If you husband's drinking is bad thatn you have to leave before it gets really bad or worst case scenario, violent. If he says that he doesn't want you there then show him that you can and will leave. I just went thru a very hard divorce and I can tell you that it is so hard on the heart, body, mind and soul however SOOOOO very worth it. If he think that there is nothing wrong with what he is doing, please leave!! Alanon is a great support group that can help you thru this as well. I will say a prayer for you and your family as I am sure that this is a very hard time for all of you. Best wishes!

Oh S.,
I too have more experience in this matter than I ever wanted to, but am grateful that I do. My husband is a recovering alcoholic. The first few years we were married were like yours. So I went to see a Pastor who was a recovering alcoholic, who told me that I needed to take the kids and seperate from him till he could get himself together, and go to AL-ANON. I thought to myself, well, that's a terrible thing for a Pastor to say. I WAS WRONG AND HE WAS RIGHT. If I had seperated I would have saved my kids and myself much heartache. He finally got sober and started going to mtgs., so did I. Things got a lot better and we both got very involved in church. Eleven years later he thought he could start drinking again because he was "older and wiser". Things got really BAD, really FAST. This time I lovingly asked him to leave till he got sober, went to 90 AA mtgs. in 90 days, and got a sponsor. I told him I loved him very much, but couldn't allow myself to be abused like this. He was forced to look at himself and where he had slipped to. I went to AL-ANON mtgs, and I also read books. I wanted to know why I shouldn't take the things he was saying to me personally, so I read scientific books on the disease of alcohol. They helped me tremendously. But the book that helped me the most was called "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. It is very simple, and is meant to help YOU. If you help you, He may also have a better chance of recovery. If it's good for you, it's good for him. Buy the book and hide it from him because there are things that he won't want you to know in there, like his mindset, and what to do next. You are precious. His disease doesn't want you to know how truly strong and precious you are, but it's very important that you know. You are much stronger than you FEEL. Please go to AL-ANON, and keep going till you actually WANT to. You can send me a message and I will be glad to help you as much as you would like. You will need someone to sponsor (guide) you as well, so after you have found someone who you would like to be like in AL-ANON don't be afraid to ask them to sponsor you. You can change sponsors later if you would like, but they are a great help. Please buy the book though, or order it on Amazon. You are important, you are strong, and you are PRECIOUS. My husband is sober 9 years again and we will be married 29 years this Dec. He goes to mtgs every week and talks to his sponsor. Focus on YOU, not him. There is hope. Take the first step. My heart and prayers are with you,
V.

Of course you do! You said it yourself. It's time to pack your stuff in a shoebox and move on.

You are responsible for two little ones, and this will not get better. Make a plan and get the heck out of there and DONT LOOK BACK

Leave him!! You can always come back. But he will know you mean business and that you are dead serious about this. If he shapes up, you can patch things up and move forward. If he doesn't, then it's good that you left, right? I'm so sorry to hear about your plight! It can't be easy with two little ones, being on your own. But oit's better than exposiong them to an alcoholic father. Be TOUGH. Calmly give him one more ultimatum, and if he breaks it, pack your bags and leave. He will have to decide what it important to him. GOOD LUCK!!! You deserve better!

H.

Dear S.,
I am so sorry you are going through this during a time that should be beautiful. I suggest to you that you surround your self with good people and girlfriends to raise your spirits. This is all going to affect baby.. Likely - he will NOT change and having another child make make things more difficult. You can really only focus on changing yourself and being in the right place for your children. I cant tell you how important it is to find happiness for YOU! Don't threaten him just do what you need to do to find peace for you and your babies. Join a gym, find mommy groups or support groups. If you are close to your family go home.. Listen to Dr Laura! She'll help. Her books are at local libraries and they may help. DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE!
Good luck yo you!
Any man who treats a woman carring his child like #$@! is not worth a dime!

Peace and Happiness to you
Steff

My Mom was married to an alcoholic for years. He sobered up for several but went back to drinking when things got tough. When I was 6 and my sister 8, our Mom had us run to the neighbor's house to call the police on him. I would never wish that on any child and yours are headed that way. You know exactly what needs to be done as everyone has written. Get away from him before he does something that cannot be undone. He will break you (emotionally, financially and physically) if you stay any longer. You also have to decide soon if you want 2 children with this man. None of the advice has included your options and I don't know your feelings on the matter, but it should be said. It is very early on in your pregnancy and many don't survive the first trimester, especially with such stressful circumstances. Being a single Mother is hard enough with all you have to work through already. Adding a second child is exponentially harder. I hope whatever decision you make that you all stay safe. The best of luck to you and your family.

Dear S., please please get yourself some help. think of your children:( I know that he can get help try AA but if he is not willing to do so you might think or find a friend where to stay until he fixes his life. If your in the California area call 211 wait for the line to kick in and then follow the promps. it will lead you to a live operator who can give you agencies that can help you!
Good luck and keep me informed if you need a friend. ____@____.com

bless you,
D.:)

Doesn't sound like a good enviornment for a child. Please don't fight in front of her.
Alcholics are selfish people. I have been through the same thing with my husband. It used to be a lot worse but through the years it has tapered off a lot. Now he gets drunk every few months, instead of a few times a month. Thank god my husband is a hapy drunk and not an abusing one. (I wouldn't be in an abusive one) Sounds like your situation is way worse then mine.
Mariage is supposed to be a wonderful thing. If your are being abused.....that's not such a great marriage.
Take care of yourself and your child. Get out if it is possible. Turn his world upside down. That is the only way he is going to make a change.
Good luck to you and your wonderful child.

Oh, lady. That's a tough situation you're in. I have a friend in a similar situation right now. I think you know what you need to do, the question is, do you have supportive family and friends? It's time to make a back-up plan for your ultimatum. Sounds to me like he doesn't think you'll really leave him. It's time for you to ask yourself the serious questions and really examine yourself. Good luck!

Oh S.,
You have received a lot of great advice here, and I know you will go at your own pace to do what's right for you. I just want to give you huge hugs for being brave enough to see that there is a problem and asking for help even if it is from a forum. I think the core of your problem runs deeper than what we can do for you, so all I can add is to stay strong - keep your focus on what's important, and you will figure out the right thing to do!

S.- I am so, so sorry to hear of your situation. It is very distressing for you and your daughter. What you need most right now is emotional support. Your husband's behavior is abusive and will inevitabley affect how you feel about yourself. Can you reach out to your family and his and talk about what is happening? The best thing to do in this situation is to get counseling. You might also call Alcoholics Anonymous and find out what support is available to family members of alcoholics. Please take care and take action.

Dear S.,

Run, grab your kids and get out of there. Alcholics only change when they hit bottom, if they ever do. You can not change him. Stay and watch your kids become alcholics too.

Get counseling. You must learn how not to choose this type of dynamic for your future relationships. This didn't happen all of a sudden. Yes, you were in love and love is blind, but unless you want to repeat the same mistakes, you'll end up with another drunk who will treat you the same way.

Join Al-Anon. They will be your support group.

I wish you the best. I ran away while pregnant, it's scary but think of your kids and what they'll learn from you standing up for your rights to be treated fairly.

I'll say a prayer for you. Good Luck ~ F. :^D

HEllo,
I know a little bit of what you are talking about.My husband is not a alcoholic, but he does smoke ##.He quit a little over a month from now and he has been aweful.He is the type of person that needs a chemical in his body to keep him sane and normal and able to deal with reality. We have 3 kids and all I can tell you is that it won't get any easier unless he does quit. Are you willing to help him and go to a program along with him? My dad is a alchoholic and my mom had to go to Alanon (I think that is what it is called for family memebers of an adict). My Dad did not want to go to AA on his own, things got so bad with him that he was on his 3rd DUI and was forced to go into a program. But luckily for his sake he straightened out and had never went down that road again. Most men do not want to go, and if your husband thinks it is a joke, maybe you might have to show him you are really serious and take a stand.Do you have family that you can turn to? Does your 15mon old hear the way he speaks to you? The reason I ask is becasue my husband is also a verbal abuser and my oldest understands now how hurtful he can be. And it is becasue of her awareness of our situation now that I am finally taking a stand to him. I just wish that I did it when they were much younger so they would not have to see or hear him now. I feel that if I made a change back then, things would be alot different now. Your child is young, and one not even here yet. You still can make a difference!

Hope this helped...

Hey S.! I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through some tough times, but nobody deserves to be treated badly.. especially from the one person who is supposed to be your rock. I can't tell you what to do but the first thing you need to worry about is the safety and well being of your daughter,your unborn child,and yourself.If your husband wants to change and says that he does, maybe his addiction to alcohol is so overwhelming that it may be hard for him to try to seek for the help he needs. Maybe you and the help of his family can do an intervention to show him how he's hurting your family and himself, and then seek some counseling. And if that doesn't help maybe you need to show him some tough love and leave. I hope your circumstances change for the better.

leave, if he doesn't want you don't stay. its going to hurt. but if you keep threatening him and don't follow through with it he will continue not to take you seriously. however, if he does change whats appropriate behavior for you to be able to handle. cause he will be a different man and words might turn into force.

Tys souns like you need to go to some councleing person i hope it works for you A. married for 60 years one of the things we all ways do is kikk before we go to sleep and say i loveyou and let what happened during the day be forgotten