Seeking Mom's in a Blended Family

You all need some counseling (family, with the boys included) to get on the same page. This is an very tough situation for everyone, and to make it work you need some professional guidance from someone who's seen it before and knows what works.
Good luck.

I'm sorry that I'm not in a blended family, so I can't offer specific, personal advice. However, I do work as a professional counselor and would highly recommend the book, "The Smart Stepfamily" by Ron Deal. I know many families that have found it to be very helpful in dealing with parenting and marriage issues.

Get family counselling

Get in to counseling. You need someone to help both of you learn to deal with this and teach you both how to work together with these children and the addition of dealing with your step-son's mother. If you dont get into counseling, you will both start to build resentment and that is one of the hardest things to get over. Please, please, find a counselor.
I was a single mother for 6 years, married and have one together. Both my children have special needs (we did not know about the older one until he was in 5th grade) and going to a therapist has not only saved my relationship from spiraling into trouble, but helped us with the children. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship, but we really were able to get through so much by learning to do it together. If you love your children and this man, you need to get together with a counselor. I wish you the best.

www.blendedfamilyfocus.com. Good Luck, R..

Step 1. STOP calling the boys my son, his son. They are your sons, his sons.
Step 2. Punish tattling and fighting for any reason except anything life threatening. Both get punished. I raised 6 kids and they hated that rule but it worked.
Step 3.Sit down and have a family meeting to iron out problems together. Have dinner together every night. We do this regardless how busy we are.

Hi J.. Our family comprises three first born sons and me! My husband, our biological child (now 10) and my son from a previous marriage, now 16-years-old. I just wanted to add that things do get better. 12 is a difficult age, and 8 is definitely a transistional phase. Siblings fight, so you may be seeing some fairly "normal" interactions. As often as you can stand it, try to let the boys work things out for themselves.

Good luck.

J.,

You need to get on the same page with your husband now. I worked with a guy who did the same thing. His daughter could do no wrong while he spoke the way he wanted to towards his stepdaughter. I know you say you are both stubborn but if your account of how your husband and his son are is accurate, you MUST stand in your son's corner. My coworker and his wife did not make it because he would not treat the girls the same and it eventually caused friction between his wife and him. It got to the point that his wife saw how it was affecting her daughter and she wasn't about to choose the way her husband and his daughter were behaving over her daughter.

I have another friend now who is working on leaving her husband because over the years, his indifference to her son from a previous relationship has grown to him treating her differently (not in a good way) as well.

I am not trying to scare you but I am trying to show you what has happened with other families because the one spouse wouldn't treat all of the children the same way and while the other spouse tried to ignore it for a while, the problem never just went away. If anything it got worse.

I highly suggest going to family counseling if you don't feel like you are getting anywhere with your husband and stepson. It isn't fair to your son and he has to know that you are still in his corner.

I hope things work out.

L.

I have no idea how you put up this this for so long...I would not allow it in my house...would not allow my child to be in a abusive situation.

It's not going to be easy but I tend to think it's time for you to take firm action. To think your son pays him no mind and that this isn't effecting him, is wrong.

Find a good therapist that does family therapy and make an appointment. Sit your husband down and tell him that he and his childs rehavior wont do anymore. Tell him if the family unit is going to work in a caring loving way, you all need to make an effort, keep the appointments, and do the work that will bring on the changes the family needs. If he doesn't agree, I'd have little to do with him and his child until he comes around to your thinking on this.. That's right, put your foot down and stick to your guns...go to therapy with your child...chances are your husband will follow along with his child at some point.

J.,
I feel for you. I am a divorced and remarried person myself. My now almost 13 year old was only 1 when we divorced. My daughter got to know my now husband as a friend of our family she was only 3. We married when she was 4 and everything went very smoothly.
My ex is another story. My daughter has a terible relationship with him and his new wife is a horror.
I insisted, because of how much trouble it was causing my daughter theat they enter into "family counseling" I am happy to say, while they are not the "Cleavers" they have managed to forge a relationship that works for the three of them.
Find a good family councelor and get to them NOW. Stop the progression of what is obviously a BIG problem. Sometimes outside professional help is the only way.
GOOD LUCK!!!
S.

What I can tell you is what you already know- it IS HARD. But it is NOT impossible. What makes it feel so impossible is how you are all going about it. I don't know or need to know how you've already gone about it, but what is clear is that however that is, it is not working. So to begin with, you must accept that just trying harder at the same methods or approach will not work, all it will do is further exhaust all of you emotionally. What I suggest is to bring in some new, neutral energy to your family system. Let me know if you want further suggestion.

J.,
First of all you and your new hubby need to talk about this.First without the boys around.I know what i'm saying,because i had the very same thing.After you two get it out in the open,then have a family talk,with the boys.I remarried 30 plus years ago,and raised 5 great children.We had a family bytch night LOL.and i had each child tell what they didn't like about the others.Then i turned the table,and had them say something nice about the others.It sure did help us out,hope it can work for you too.
A mom of 5

J.,
I come from a blended family and currently live in a blended family. It’s a very tricky situation to be in. First and foremost each of you must love the other’s child as if they were your own, or it will never work. You owe your allegiance to your own son. It sounds as if your new spouse does not treat your son as his own (speaking roughly to him, etc.) Your son will feel that and it will hurt him emotionally. I recommend you get out now, end the marriage. You didn’t mention having any children with your new spouse, so this is a good thing. Just raise your son as you have been, shower him with your love and affection and protect him as you always have. You owe nothing to this new spouse. Do the right thing by your son. I know that it gets lonely, but the loneliness is nothing compared to the psychological damage that your spouse and the situation may be imposing on your son. I feel for you and I wish you the best of luck with your decision. Remember, being alone (but you're not really alone because you have your wonderful son!) is much better than being with the wrong man, one that would not treat your son as he deserves.

Hi J.,
I would really consider family counseling for everyone involvoed. These are major changes for these boys and both of you. It certainly can not hurt. Good luck.

For me I think that what touched me most about what you wrote is that you think that your husband is your soul mate... OK lets assume you are right about your criticism... and now what ...It was hard to raise your son alone .. and now ..?? It is still hard?? The other thing you said is that you truly love your husband. I guess the next step is to try and respect your differences, maybe if you try first ... he will follow suit. He probably wants you to love and respect his son as much as you want him to love and respect yours... You can set the tone and change things around .. and of course .. pray about it and love God first :)

COUNSELING. I am in the process of getting divorced from my blended family. Boys are a doozey, so please go to counseling now and work really hard. If you don't tame them now that they are kids, when they turn into teenagers you will lose control.

Ok, I can totally relate to your situation. I am part of a blended family also. In our case there are his, mine, and ours as far as children. I know for my husband he his harder on my daughter than his own. The reason being is that he lives with my daughter on a daily basis and he has been in her life since she was 5 years old. It is not that he does not like or care about her. It is more the fact that he sees her as his own child. His children live in Florida the state and their mother does not raise his children to be respectful of their father or certain values that they should know. As far as the tattling I have that between our own children that we have together, my daughter is 5 and my son is 7 they rat each other out constantly. I must say that the three children that live here for the most part get treated equally. I myself am very hard on my children as I am with his children when they visit. There are rules and values that are put in place that need to be constant and I will not have all of the work that my husband and I have put into the children go out the window when his kids come up to visit.
As far as speaking rough to your son, I really think that it should be dealt with. Irregardless of the circumstances your son should not be spoken to in that manner. I love my husband dearly but if he treats my daughter inappropriate in any way I am in his face.
Blened families are tricky and they take more work than a traditional family in that there is always and ex whether it is a exwife or exhusband that is a piece of work. It is very frustrating to have to deal with that.
If your husband is your soulmate he should respect you and treat your son as if he was HIS own.
I hope things smooth out for you.

A professional counselor is never a bad idea if you are really concerned about your situation. It sounds like things could be much smoother for you all. I am not a therapist, so you can take my advice for what it's worth. The younger child doesn't want to be nagged or forced to like the older child, it sounds like. You have probably tried a lot of things, but maybe this could work. Talk a LOT about how you don't have to love or even like everyone, but you do have to be respectful (put that big word into your own words). Give examples. Role play. Be silly about it. Maybe make a points chart or pebble jar to reward them each, each evening, for the good things they have done for or with each other. Make it a point to CATCH them being good, even if it's a tiny little thing. Give them activities they can do together...building something. Maybe a bird feeder at this time of year or a sled with stuff from the garage. Good luck.

The first thing you need to do is sit down with your husband (without the boys around) and discuss this. Set some rules about how you will work together. Be open and honest with each other. He may notice things you are doing that he doesn't like, and you may notice the same thing with him. Make it clear that now that there are 2 parents in the house things have to change. Both of you have to be prepared to make compromises. The old ways of raising the boys will no longer work. It is no longer 1 on 1 anymore. You each have 2 boys and a spouse. A family!!!

Then each of you take your own boys aside and have the same talk with them. Both of the boys are old enough to understand that things have changed. They are not babies they don't understand what is going on. Don't treat them as such. And they are not the center of your world anymore. They have to share you with the other son and spouse.

Praise them when they work together or do something nice for each other. Punish them appropriately when they don't.

BTW Tattlers get punished in our house too, just for being a tattler (unless they are tattling about something that is life threatening)! Maybe not as harshly as the child that did something wrong, but they do get punished.

I am part of a blended family myself. It's one heck of a job to keep your blended family together, but I do think it is worthwhile. The one piece of advice I can give you is that you and your husband never disagree about parenting in front of the kids- no matter how upset either of you may be. Once the kids realize they can divide you (or play you)-they will, without understanding the consequences.
Your relationship with your husband is what keeps the family together. Disrepecting each other about parenting differnces in front of the kids creates a power struggle in the family-between all the members of the family.

I am not in a blended family,but i feel for you. You are in a situation that is not going to get any better without some help from family counseling. I hope you give it a try so that way you spend more of your time as a happier family unit. My friend and sister use a therapist in Chester if you'd like her name u can email me. good luck. J. M