How Do I Get Him to Treat All Kids the Same?

I'm sorry, this is a hard situation for everyone. The little girl has to deal with your son living with HER daddy fulltime and coming to a house that isn't her home, where everyone else has an established role and place. She probably doesn't have friends to spend time with when she is there and your husband is concerned that she is not bored. That said, it is not appropriate for your boys not to be able to ride their bikes just because she isn't interested in bike riding. 12 year old boys (and probably 10 year old boys) are really not playmates for a 7 year old girl and shouldn't be expected to do all of the entertaining. I do not think it's appropriate for a 7 year old girl to spend the night in the room of a nearly teen boy (please understand, I am not suggesting your son would do something inappropriate, but if it was MY daughter, I would not allow her in the room with a boy several years older). Perhaps when the daughter is visiting, you could invite some neighbor girls over to play, or you could take her out for some girl fun activities. It's okay for the boys to include her in certain things and they should, but her entire visit shouldn't take all of their time and keep them from all of their activities that they enjoy. Daddy should entertain her. Perhaps some family therapy would help everyone in the situation. Good luck

You know... this might be as easy as a "definition" issue.

To me it sounds like you want to provide your step daughter a place in the family, but your H wants to put her in the place of "honored guest".

A GUEST gets deferred to, catered to, entertained. A FAMILY MEMBER gets included, but not deferred to/ etc. The rules for how we treat guests are VERY different from how we treat family.

If you two can put aside the bad blood, you might be able to talk this out and reach a compromise. Say first 2 days in she's a guest, and then the rest of the week she's family. But it would require a) that I'm right this is a definition of her place with you all problem... and b) that you are both able to talk logically about the subject. If there are too many arguments and hurt feelings or dad-guilt; a 3rd party may be better able to keep things calm enough for you both to be heard and understood.

You can't make him treat them all the same, he has to choose to do so. When he says the girl can sleep in the boys room, then the boys can sleep in the living room. When he takes her to the park, you take the boys for ice-cream. He's turning her into a spoiled brat, and that is unfair to all of them.
I understand that he sees her less than the others, but the boys will grow up to hate her and resent your husband if he keeps up this behavior.

You need to speak to your hubs BEFORE she visits. Pointing out the favoritism and his expectation that the boys have to do whatever she wants. Tell him he will have a rude awakening when his daughter is a teen and he is STILL spoiling her like this. I get she isn't around as much as the others, I get she KNOWS daddy will do anything for her hence why she acts up, but the little girl is jealous and has no other way of expressing it. Dad needs to get it together and soon or little girl will be running your house. I also agree when he is mean to the boys take them out and explain to them that dad just has a hard time because he doesn't see DD as much. Good luck, I personally would strangle my hubs if he acted this way.

I think you need to get to the bottom of why he treats her differently. Is it because he wants to win her over because he rarely sees her? Is it because she's a girl and he finds it easier to show affection for a girl? Did they develop a tighter bond in early childhood that he didn't develop with the other children? Maybe when you and he figure out what drives him to treat her differently you can talk about how to make a healthier relationship with all of the kids. He is not doing her or anyone else any favors by letting her run the show.
Whatever the reason, I do think you need to talk to him about boundaries. Set up house rules and make sure she knows them before she comes to visit you. It's totally fine for him to do something special with just her when she's in town, but not to punish the other children. And he should also make time for one-on-one activities with the other children.
Remaking the boundaries won't be easy. I would expect toddler-like tantrums from your step-daughter in response to learning that she can't always get her way. And I would expect your husband to get very upset too, unless he's totally and completely on board... I actually think that counseling might be in order. Maybe you can ask around for a family counselor experienced in blended families.

Keep talking to him about it. I believe he'll come around eventually. You can also show by your example how to treat them all fairly. He might be over compensating because he doesn't see her as often and she's the only girl. Be patient with them because this is a tough situation. I think you're doing a great job! Good luck to you!

why not talk to your step daughter? Tell her that you are happy to have her, like having a girl around and just talk about her general behavior. What until she's a teenager! You think it's bad now...
Have the boys ever said anything to their father? Sometimes if they say how their are feeling, dad might be more open.

First I would talk to your husband about it when there are no children home and you are very calm. Assure him that you care and love all the children. Ask your husband to not talk to you in front of or loudly near the children and accuse you of "hating" his daughter because that is manipulative and unhealthy.

Tell him he needs to spend alone time with all his children and that his favoritism is not healthy for any of them. Tell him that you can no longer tolerate the how unfair it is to make the boys take a 7 year old girl with them and let her invade their private bedroom space.

Plan time that you can have alone with the girl to make her feel welcome. Plan so activities the whole family can do together.

I had a very difficult time with my blended family and I think it could have been easily resolved if not for my husband. One of my stepsons was a joy to have and played with my daughter, was helpful around the house putting his own plates in the sink and picking up after himself. Then, there was the other stepson who was absolutely cantankerous, contrary. If we made plans for all of us to do something, all he had to do was say he didn't want to, and none of us got to do it. He was treated like royalty of some kind and it just burned me up. The other kids were expected to pick up after themselves, but not him. School shopping? The two kids were happy with what they got, but he wasn't happy unless his coat cost at least $200 or his shoes cost that much as well. He had such an air of being better than everyone else which was wholely fostered by my husband. The kid went so far as to say, "You will NEVER tell me no. And if you do, I will NEVER come back to stay with you again." So....he got whatever he wanted to the detriment of everyone else. Instead of his father saying that what was good for everyone else was good for him, he placated him to the point he was unbearable as a teenager.
Your husband might not realize what he's doing. He's hurting the other kids and, he may not think so, but he's hurting his daughter as well.
My husband wouldn't go to counseling about it, so I went by myself.
Like Riley mentioned, the child needed to be treated like part of the family, not like visiting royalty.
My marriage didn't survive. I don't blame the kid. I blame my ex for allowing the things he did. And yes....I heard it a thousand times....."You just hate my son!"
That couldn't have been further from the truth. I wanted him to be part of the family. I thought he should have lived with us full time, not that I had anything against the mom, but he walked all over her too and had been kicked out of school, was truant. I thought he would do better in a home where he had some rules and consistancy as far as attending school and turning in his assignments. The fact is, both those parents let him run the show wherever he was and it had been that way since he was little.

Perhaps you and your husband can get some counseling with someone who specializes in blended families. And yes, sometimes boys and girls are treated differently by virtue of the innate differences between the sexes, but in ANY family, one child should not call the shots for everyone else.
I have a daughter and I certainly didn't want her getting the idea that because she's a female she can get whatever she wants. That's not a healthy precident to set. On the other hand, it's not healthy to teach boys that anything a girls wants has to be given to her.
These are things that will affect their views of the opposite sex once they get older and begin dating and having relationships, etc.

I hope you get some great advice and perhaps you can get some help working with your husband through this.

Best wishes!

Your best hope is to get your husband with you to a family therapist. This is wrong and your husband needs to be told how to treat the daughter and his boys from an expert. He obviously does not value your opinion so maybe he will value that of a therapist.

Wow, sounds like he's on his way to having three exes with three different baby mommas.
I'm sorry I can't help too much. All I can give you is the advice that you need to arm yourself with information and stay level headed when you talk to him, and definitely talk with him when the kids aren't home.
In order for your marriage to make it, HE needs to be on board with you. Having your boys pay the price for the "baby" (dads tend to shower tons of praise on last born daughters) is not only unfair, but abusive.
Good luck, my thoughts are with you :)

She needs and craves to be treated just like his other children. I agree with Riley. She is being treated as a guest instead of a family member.

I also think your husband needs to spend some alone time with the his daughter so he will not feel so obligated to let her get away with this behavior in your home..

Also tattling is not allowed. Your husband does not want the boys tattling does he? There is no reason for her to sleep in their rooms. Is she afraid to sleep in her own room?

7 year old girls are no where near an age that you would NORMALLY expect 10 or 12 year old boys to hang out with on their own. . Maybe the family time should be all of you having a game night. Or all going swimming. bowling, amusement park, festival. Do not force the boys into a relationship with their sister.

She needs to learn how to behave around boys and this is an excellent time. Boys like privacy. They do not respond to shrill voices. They cannot stand tattling and they like to be looked up to.

This is a god time for them to learn about girls. Girls can do all sorts of things. They can be very clever verbally and will defend the boys that they love to the very ends of the earth. Girls like to talk, and talk.. She will treat them like heroes if they will allow her. She just needs a little bit of attention (when she is behaving) to be satisfied. Maybe at night they can do one last activity with a discussion of what the next day will bring to help her settle down in her own room. Maybe they could read to her at night?

I am sending you peace. You are not asking too much, but I think your husband misses his daughter and is carrying a lot of guilt. He needs to remember he will ALWAYS be her father. But he needs to prove this by treating her like he does his other children.

He should not show the boys he loves the daughter more than them. This will not stop and will create lasting problems for the children. He probably feels guilty that the girl does not get enough time with him and thinks letting her off is ok so she will love him.
Another thing, i have seen most men tend to favour the children of a woman they love because they give them connection to the mother.

No matter what the situation, children should be treated equally. They are all his blood and flesh. It would be wrong to let things run the way they are now, you are not helping or solving the problem. You have to try stand up to him and let him see sense. If he cannot, one time when she comes around, you and the boys go away, to give them time alone. He will see that the girl will be different, her character might surface.

Hope he sees sense soon. He is making the boys feel unwanted and not giving the girl morale values. She has to learn in life, it's not always you get everything you want.

Good luck.

A difficult situation. 1st of all, you can never treat all your kids the same, they are different individuals and we give each one the attention and discipline that they need. By virtue of being a girl, she will elicit a different reaction and her needs are most definitely unique from her brothers. With that said, she doesn't get a pass on bad behavior because she's a girl or because she's the youngest, which also plays into this scenario.

Wanting to see her included in the boys' activities is a good thing, when it's appropriate. Sharing time together is a good thing, but the boys need to have the 'guy' time and Dad needs to do the male bonding bit with them. I suggest that you take the time to do one on one 'girly' things with her, away from the boys. Then the 'family' time won't be so contentious.

You don't mention how long you've been together as a blended family or what your step-daughter's living arrangements are with her mom. These things could play into Dad's attitude towards his daughter. How old was she when her parents split up?

There is sibling rivalry in the best of families. It's a fact of growing up. I suggest that you and your husband seek family counseling. Include your biological son in some of these sessions because he's an integral part of the solution. You are your husband's 3rd family, and it's mportant for all involved that 'the 3rd time is the charm'. I wish you all well.

This is a problem, and one you need to talk to him about in a "safe" place away from the children. I think you could benefit from seeing a therapist a few times to get to the heart of this. Make sure he understands that the problem is not that you do not love your daughter, but that he openly favors her and it hurts his boys deeply. It sounds like he feels he needs to treat her extra special because he only gets limited time with her, but he really does need to understand how he is making his boys feel. After a couple of therapy sessions with just you and him it may be good to include the boys, and than the daughter as well. If this continues the boys will grow up resenting and hating their sister and resenting and distant from their father.

During the time your stepdaughter is away you and your husband need to go to a family counsellor who can help you to hear each other out.
If he's so crazy about her why does he not teach her to ride and go riding with her. Why does he not take her places on his own.
This seven year old child knows the games and she plays them well. It is inappropriate for her to be sleeping in the bedroom with boys who are in or entering puberty.

Well, how easy or hard it will be to discuss this with your husband depends on the kind of person he is. Is he one to admit it when he is wrong about something? Or does he hate to do that? Is he used to getting his way too, all the time? Or is he fair?

If I were you, I'd tell him "I don't hate her, but if you keep this up the boys will." Ask him how he'd feel if the situation were reversed, that it was the boys who always got their way and the girl who had to play along all the time. Also, ask him why he is favoring her. Has he always been his favorite, or is it he feels she deserves more (either because they don't spend enough time together, or she went without as a child, etc.)? Perhaps you could get him to talk with the boys and ask them how they feel about it? Would he listen to the boys if they admitted their feelings to him (and you)?

What about the kids' mothers? Or perhaps a grandmother or grandfather in the family whom your husband would listen to? Or would he resent that as an "intrusion"? If it's hard for you two to discuss it on your own, maybe there is another family member he would listen to?

You don't need therapy to solve this problem. All he has to do is listen to you and his sons, and realize that he has to do what is best for everybody, not just one person. Good luck. This is a serious situation and I respect you for wanting to take action. I've seen spoiled children grow up to be complete monsters as adults. Parents who either love their children too much or are just unwilling to discipline them must realize that before it's too late.