Seeking Moms Advice - Tacoma,WA

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T.,
Welcome to boys!
I have 3, ages 16, 9 and 6. Competition is your friend, use it. Make everyday tasks into a game with boys. Create staged "races" and let him win. Applaud wildly when he wins. Make these competitions be about stuff that actually help you out, like putting away cans of food. Pull a chair up to the silverware drawer, open it and take out the spoons, knives and forks and set them on the counter. Then, let him sort them and organize them back into in the drawer. Have a race to see who can go get their shoes faster, kid or mom. Ask him to see how fast he can "fluff" all the pillows on the couch. Crazy stuff like that. Don't worry if some of the tasks seem silly. It doesn't matter, because that's not the point. The point is, start channeling all that stubborn high-spiritedness into a more positive direction. With these innocuous tasks, you are training him to experience success. And, he'll want to do more of it. Maybe not at first, but it will come. Trust me. Praise him, applaud him and find the good in the things he does. Do NOT hypercriticize. Keep rewarding the good and overlook the bad. Believe me, 2-1/2 year old's aren't going to do any of this stuff well but, its a process. So start now, because you can't teach a 14 year old this stuff. These tactics translate into grades later, and good, responsible behavior and better choices. So many parents I know miss the point on this. YOU have to train them on how to behave. TRAIN. You cannot just expect kids to just do it on their own. Your son wants your attention and praise. Use that. Create his success and set him up to win and you will be training him to make YOUR life a lot easier! As astounded as you may be that they don't "catch on" to what you are doing, they never do. Its pretty cool. Ask me how I know THIS!!!! After a while you are going to have a kid who asks you, "What can I do to HELP you mommy?" And, try not to faint the first time this happens. But, it does happen. Their perception starts to shift and they start LOOKING for opportunities to please you. Soon, you will start telling your friends and relatives about how lucky you are to have a kid like this. And, you will feel like the most blessed, luckiest mom on earth. I already know that I am because of using these methods. My kids blow me away all the time. Good luck!

I have what you would call a high spirited 4 year old. The best thing I have found when he does something wrong is make him leave the room and sit down kind of time out but dont ever call it time out. he is told to go sit and calm down and think about why he is in trouble and when he is ready to apologize and behave he can come back, sometimes it is 1/2 a minute sometimes he just hangs out for a few minutes it is up to him. Also if you explain to them everything they are going to do in the next few hours they seem to handle it allot better. When he wakes up in the morning I tell him "Okay we are going to get dressed brush our teeth and then we are taking Tony to school and you to the daycare and Mommy is going to work" when I drop him off I tell him where I am going and when i will be back, when i pick him up I explain what we are going to do. on the way home I always ask him to tell me about his day. It gives them something to concentrate on so they dont get bored and makes them feel good to tell you all the things they did. Even if he gets in trouble he tells me about it and all the details why. It calms them down, and that isnt easy. You cant let them get hungry or over tired because then they turn into tasmanian devils, keep snacks in the car and your purse and even if he wont nap on the weekends have some quite time let him lay on the bed or the couch watch cartoons for a little while just enough to let him rest. It has taken me three years to figure out how to deal with my little hand full but once you get them in a rythm and learn thier signals is it easier. good luck

For years I thought my "high spirited" daughter was just that...She's been spinning like a top until...
Recently, I started eating healthier and teaching the same to my 14 year old daughter and 9 year old son. My husband has always been on the bandwagon. After cutting out all the sugars and sodas (other junk foods as well), my daughter gradually became less argumentative and so open to listening and co-operating. It was the food! My son is not "high spirited" and I really didn't notice much of a change in him. He is busy but not annoying like my daughter demonstrated at times.

Sugar highs are extreme and then drop...hard to notice, but when I studied the behavior...I have to credit the sugars for the behavior change.

My daughter is going places...she is going to the National Young Leaders State Conference in March. "Highly Spirited" children can be channeled and make great differences in our/their world.

Hi, T..

My daughter is extremely high energy, stubborn, knows what she wants and knows what she doesn't want. She is two and 4 months. We really started seeing big time tantrums and power struggles since she was 18 months, but then again she's never been an easy baby. I love her dearly, and wouldn't want to trade her for the world, but I am so glad I only have one!

Have you ever heard other parents or adults say, "oh, s/he ran all day, and I am sure s/he will be tired now" or "We tired her/him out for you, now". Let me tell you, my child could beat out the energizer bunny. She can run and go go all day and still be bouncing off the walls at night. Luckily, she began to get interested in creative play the last few months which can hold her attention for a few minutes and we have more moments now of equilibrium than before.

So... I share all that to let you know, you are not alone, and I HEAR you!!! I do have some recommendations however...

1st... take a look at your schedule and your time. How consistent is your schedule? Monitor when are you able to give real close interaction time with your little one? Not just at home time, but close interaction. I know that when my daughter feels more filled up from attention from me, she tends to be more confident and independent. This balance is something I am always striving for, because at the same time, I have to work, and she needs to know she'll be okay when I'm gone.

Unfortunately, we can have a glorious evening together (like tonight) and then it can get REAL ruckus right at bed time.

Let me tell you, sometimes I am fighting so hard to have her "recognize my authority" or demonstrate that she will "behave" or "listen" to me, that I end up engaging her in a power struggle and tug of war. I stop and ask myself, is this what I want? Power struggle games at age TWO?? On one hand, its true... she needs to learn to listen to me, on the other hand sometimes I need to change MY plan and realize maybe she needs something different right now.

Time outs can be difficult. Sometimes the kids view them as no big deal or fun. I figure if she is still crying at the begining of a time then its still working. And I don't have a lot of space in my house to create a time out space that's ideal. So, I will have her sit down and put her hands on knees and sit like that for a short period of time. But long enough that it is no longer fun. Sometimes we do time out in her crib. But, I completely disagree with not calling it Time Out. I want her to understand that she needs to "behave" this is what I tell her, "Leila needs to behave". "Mommy no like Leila throwing food" "Leila goes Time Out. Mommy no like Leila throwing food. Leila needs to behave. Time Out"

I read this book, Happiest toddler on the block... and it talks about toddlerease... speaking in short phrases with limited key words.

And, I even emphasize the time out by making a big T with my hands like a soccor coach. Let me tell you, it is working.

I agree... the more consistent we as parents are able to be, the better. At the same time, it can be valuable to consider what is really serving you and your child the best? Maybe its time to change your routine. That's another thing that's worked for me, is to completely shake up a routine, and do it completely different for a period of time, like a week. And then go back to a modified version of the original routine.

Sometimes to break a habit, you have to kind of forget the original habit. Its my new form of redirection.

I hear what the other lady said about choices, I give her choices, but honestly I don't think its really about the red pants or the blue pants, I think its about they didn't make the decision to wear pants, so they don't want to put on ANY pants. So instead of choices, I would recommend challenging your little one "if they can do it". First, I distract away from the argument... put the pants on my head, "Oh, mommy's pants! Look, mommy's pants! No... Leila's pants! Do they go on Leila's Head? No, silly mommy!" Then I challenge her... "Can Leila Do it?" Many times she yells, "Leila do it!" and puts the darn pants on.

Other times, when she keeps fighting me, I say... you have two choices, you either put on your pants, or to Time Out. Usually, after a good fuss back in the crib for time out she's more cooperate. Finally, yet, if we are still just pushing the lovely pants issue... I say... we can do it the easy way or the hard way... and throw her over my sholder, let her dangle down my back and shove the pants on. yes, i know its not a pretty sight, and I am not proud of that. I only share to let you know that while attempt A and attempt B usually work, sometimes it just doesnt.

Finally, don't forget they are growing up , and every day brings new connections and maturity this means 1) they are better at understanding action and consequence now and 2) each day is a new day, try and try again. :)

Good luck to all of us with high spirited babies!!!!

My son is 9 months old but working with very high spirited children (special needs and otherwise), the one thing I have learned is to give them choices. If you say you can do this ir this, then they feel they are in control of themselves and make a choice you are happy with. Hope this helps.

HEY T.,
Remember AND smile when you think Determination is a Good thing your wonderful son must be very determined and think of where that will get him as and adult once his mind is set he will get what ever his heart is set on What a wonderful thing. so now you as his mom want him to bend and this will probly not happen easliy but the best advice is can give is pick your battles and alway give him choices when you can.. some exsamples are. "honey its bath time, we can read this book before or after which do you want?" or we have to get in the car seat to go do you want to unlock the car and jump in or climb in you seat?" so alway make you stubborn hmm i mean determined little one feel like he is in charge of part of he world.. good luck and let me know...

PS (my determined one is 13 yrs old looking into college because some one told him he was to young) see it can be a good thing...

my son is very strong willed. My advice is to have the wars and don't back down.

My son used to dump things and refused to pick them up. We'd sit there for two to three hours not letting him leave the situation until he picked them up. we did this a few times okay more like 10 times before he agrees now to pick up when I ask him to.

we have to always be ready for a fight. and never back down!
We are fighting a lot. I've figured out what to fight over and what not to.
he is so stubborn tho he will go with out. which makes no sense. but that is his choice.

Yesterday he didn't like his pizza because he said it was broken. he wanted a new piece. I told him his pizza was fine and he needed to eat it before getting another piece. he refused and didn't get another piece. he tried to do the same thing later and walked away again.
He just tests me all the time. and I have to be strong.

he's almost 3 now and our world is getting a lot easier!! :) hooray!!

You really don't want to take his high spiritedness away, that is a gift from God. But if he dosn't do what he is told then he doesn't get to do anything else. I used to be a day care teacher. when I began I'll tell u these kids were all stuborn and their own bosses. When I said "that's not nice because it hurts my feelings, please don't do it again." They would say ok then do it again. Then that would mean that they where done with that activity. I would sit them down, usually with alot of struggle (let them bawl and throw a fit when their done tell them why they can't play anymore and if they change their attitude u will reconsider their participation with the next activity.

Your hands are full T.! But you can do it. Have patience and try different techniques. When my "high spirited" daughter went through this "I'm in charge" stage, I let her. Yup. I let her make her own food (she was appalled), leave her dirty clothes on her bedroom floor which didn't leave room for her barbie play, she even got so stubborn that she reverted back to wetting her panties. I just let her wear them all day (gross but effective). Best of luck to you and remind yourself often that this too shall pass!
V.

There is a book called "Raising your spirited child." I don't know the author though.

Mine is now 18 almost 19 and what a battle it has been. I can only let you know what I did... First I limited sugar intake as much as possible then I cut out most dairy. This helped a bit but what really worked was a naturopath screening and getting him started on Tarantula pellets. It was like night and day. He was three when I started him on them and I could finally communicate with him once again. I stopped using them when he was around 5 or 6 years old. When in the height of tantrums a cold (small)glass of water in the face was an attention getter and stopped the tantrum dead. This of course was only used when I was at whits end :) My son was one of those that would not sit for time outs and challenged me at every turn since he was 2. We now get along wonderfully and I would do the Tarantula all over again in a heart beat. Everyone else said he needed Ritalin!! Good Luck

hi T., i have a boy who is very stubborn. my remedy, or at least advice is to be positive with every situation while being very very consistant. i couldn't stress that enough. if you get him while he is young it will only get easier as he gets older. one morning my son asks for a rice krispie treat before breakfast so i said no how about a banana? he kept going for that treat but my answer wouldn't change. he finally agreed with me. i thought to myself what if i let him have it just this one time, yeah right it would have been a bigger battle the next time. so be consistant and hang in there!!

Hello T.,
Ihave two high energy and stuborn kids. And I agree with below, it is a gift from God, although it might not seem like it sometimes. They are probably also very passionate kids. What works for me and has helped them a lot is structure and black and white rules. We try very hard to have a routine, so they know what they can expect all the time, and also what is expected of them. When they defy you or do somehting they are not supposed to there can be no negotiating. The rule is you do A and the punishment is B. Black and white. The time out chair works for a lot of people, it doesn't for us because I am not consistent about watching them to make sure they staythere,(but I think it is a great tool). In my house it too your room. I make sue they can't play there, but they do have to serve thier time, with my youngest (2). I put her in a pack and play, and she can just sit. I try very hard not to yell to much because generally it escalates the issue at hand. But the rules must be cut and dry always. Every child will have something different that you can hang over thier head too, and it will vary from child to child what will be the bigger threat. For instance for my daughter sent to her room works, for my son, I have to threaten his blanket for a night. Teaching children right and wrong and that there are consequenses I think is one of the toughest things. I also found that sometimes on a day that is really bad, it seems that they just have to much energy to behave that a few hours outside to just run can be very benificail to all.
All in all Ihave to say just keep at it, I know they are a hanful Like I said I have 2 very close in age that are as stuborn as mules, but just remember you are the boss, and that what you say goes. They will learn it in time, 2 is a very independent age and the is testing his boundaries with you ever minute if everyday, so you have to be consistent for him to learn that there is only so much freedom he can have and the rest is learning how to function with rules and structer so that every one can have a good time...

Hope that helps..
H.

http://wisemommy.fourpointmoms.com

Hi, T.. First of all, hang in there! Not everyone understands how it is to have a high-spirited child and they can be judgemental. There are people who understand though and we are here to help!

I think the #1 thing that really started to help me and my daughter was a strict routine. I found that she wasn't nearly as stubborn if she knew what to expect in different situations. For instance, if I went through a very specific bedtime routine, she didn't fight sleep as much. (By the way, I moved her bedtime to an earlier bedtime and that actually helped because she wasn't overtired!) If I told her, "We're going to get dressed in a few minutes," and then when it was time told her again before getting out clothes, she was usually a little better than if I just brought out the clothes and said, "Right now."

Also, if your child wants to do everything himself, I recommend trying the "take turns" thing. For instance, "It's mom's turn to buckle this part of the seatbelt and then you can buckle the next part." (My daughter always wanted to put on her car seat buckle, but couldn't quite do the whole thing. It helped her settle down if she could do part of it, at least.)

I hope this makes sense and that it helps a little. I really was surprised how much a routine helped us. Good luck!

The only thing that really works with my son is getting down to his level and talking to him in a firm way, but NOT yelling. If you yell from across the room a lot, they start to tune that out but if you are right there at their level getting their attention it's kinda hard for them to ignore you. Once you say something, you have to stick with it too. They will test you every day.

Spanking never worked with my son either. The most effective punishment for him was making him sit on the stairs by himself for a few minutes....he knows he has to calm down before he can get off. Then we have a little chat.

Good luck. Mine is 4 and I'm still trying to figure him out.

Hi, my son is also 2 1/2 years old. We started the terrible two's around 18 months. I am also a teacher and heard of a book from a colleague. It is called 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan, Phd. It is amazing and has worked right from the start with my son. Good luck!