Should I Call off This Relationship?

I've posted an answer twice to this question and both times it didn't get posted. I want to see if this get's posted before I try again.

This must be so hard for you. That said, it sounds like you have your eyes wide open and may be making a good choice for your daughter. The fact that she doesn't feel included is concerning. That she is choosing to isolate herself because she feels she is intruding is sad.

I commend you on your bravery. I've watched one of our own in our family refuse to realize that the boyfriend did not want to be a parent and she still has made the choice to put the boyfriend first because she loves him. We have to love our children enough to know when we are going down a fruitless path. There is nothing wrong with couples taking vacations without kids-- nothing at all. What concerns me was your mention of your daughter's feelings. The fact that she's behaving, not picking fights--- this suggests to me that she's not being manipulative, but is being honest with you.

No matter what.... never let her know that it was what she has said that has led you to this decision. Own it like you should: "I think we wanted different things. He was a nice guy, it just didn't work out." Otherwise she will carry a lot of guilt. It's his behavior, not hers, which is frustrating for you. It sounds like you know what you may need to do. Good luck.

Go with your gut. You and your daughter deserve a man that will include her as a part of your life together. It doesn't seem to me like he is being honest and upfront with you with his words but his actions are speaking volumes. Learn the lessons you need to learn from this relationship when getting into another relationship.

When I was a single parent I was extremely slow in introducing my children to a guy. I would have to know you for at least a year before you get an introduction to the kids. Most men didn't pass the year mark and that was because I didn't really like them and if a guy was too interested in meeting the children that would cause my red flags to go up and he would get my very special curbside treatment.

My husband got to be around the kids after there was a commitment beyond dating. The kids had to deal with the fact that this relationship was going to be for a lifetime. He is very good to them and with them. My son is now 21 and his son is 19, both are in college and hubby and I have been married for slightly 7 years.

As long as you linger with him, you are teaching your daughter to settle for less. Be brave and go with your gut. Mr. Right is out there but Mr. Right Now is blocking your chance for a meaningful and lasting love.

I just think he isn't into kids, yours or his. That is a red flag. Yes, I would end this. Doesn't make him a bad guy, just not your guy. Please don't let your daughter feel like this is her fault. Its not. Its just not a good match.

Gut feelings are rarely wrong.

But, I think relationships that end provide a learning experience for both.

So I think the 'bigger' thing to do is to communicate with him. Let him know that Saturday night after Sally goes to bed you would like some time to talk.

Before the talk I would decide on my long term and short term goals for you and your daughter (only). Decide what your needs are, decide if they are being met.......etc.

Then also jot down your concerns with him in a no confronting way, "Jim, I noticed you and Sally don't spend as much time together anymore and I wonder if something has changed?" Or something like that.

Listen to what his side of things is.

I would let him know this is an important issue, and I would not take silence as an answer or wait...rather I would take it as his final answer and break it off.

I think having this 'review' of this relationship by communicating with him will provide a great opportunity for you to trust your gut feelings more quickly.....just my 2 cents.

You know the answer. Good for you:) Wishing you and your daughter all the best.

I think you should end it.
It's time to cut bait and move on.
He might be a nice guy but he's just not in to parenting your kid.
He's not really accepting you and your daughter as a package deal.
So it's time to 'free' him so he can find some childless woman to hang out with.

You want a guy who'll be a father, who'll see her grow up, get married and who will want to be around grand kids.
This guy isn't him.
There are other fish in the sea!

I just want to say good job for putting your child first.

So many single Mom's put the blinders on when a man comes into the picture. It never ceases to amaze me how a woman can ignore the needs of her own children just to keep a man.

Listen to your gut and you'll make the right decision. A Mom's intuition is rarely off.

There's a saying that when someone shows you who he (or she) is, believe him. His actions speak louder than words here - he's not a good fit for becoming part of your family with your daughter. You don't say how old she is, but she's old enough to know how he makes her feel, which is not welcome in her own home.

End the relationship, and next time don't move someone into your home until you're sure he's "the one" - or if your daughter is already a teenager and you have her at home for only a few more years, don't get into a serious relationship again until she is in college.

Sounds to me like he made an effort with her in the beginning, sort of a "courtship of the child" just like he might have with you. But then the reality of parenting set in, and either the novelty wore off or he discovered he wasn't any better at it with your child than he was with his own.

By itself, there's nothing wrong with an adults-only vacation (whether the adults are married or not), but it sounds like he's not involved with her the other 51 weeks of the year, so this seems pretty unfair. A lot of kids can act awkward around a parent's significant other at a certain age, and some get weirded out by their own parents. But that doesn't seem to be what's happening here. It's all the time, she feels she needs to go to her room, and he never plans anything with her at all.

He's not interested in her, and he can't make a sustained effort (after the initial "honeymoon" period) just to make you happy. I think he's told you what his limits are. Is this someone whose values you respect? Is this someone willing to go the extra mile for you? Has he even said, "I have no idea how to do this. Can we get some counseling or parenting support to help me learn?" If not, I would say, "When people show you who they are, believe them." Trust your gut.

Your gut is right. He has changed his mind in the past 1 1/2 years, and everything he is doing shows that.

Please don't continue with this relationship. You and your daughter deserve better. This will just get worse - I promise you.

I'd have no problem with him sweeping you away for an adult trip. How sweet. BUT, under the circumstances where your daughter feels left out all the time and he rarely engages with her: NO WAY. He does not need more time. You guys already did the courtship with best behavior first, and now this is the real deal. Time to end it. I'm a single mom of three and it would be nice to have a significant other, but not one who couldn't take on the whole glorious package happily.

Think of it this way, whatever man you decide to keep and who wants to keep you, is being given a lifetime of love and companionship from your kids and possible grandkids and all kinds of priceless family perks from a child YOU MADE and were raising before he came along. If someone is not all in on that, then they don't deserve it. Your daughter does NOT NEED a disinterested man in the house. How horrible for her confidence and future choices in men.

Go with your instincts. Best of everything to you and your daughter.

nope.
sayanara, baby.
the first time my kid had to isolate herself because she felt she was imposing, i'd make sure i was aligned where i should be.
and since you already know what kind of a parent he is, you know the answer to this.
khairete
S.

He *says* he is fine with it, but his actions show otherwise. I'm sure it isn't intentional, but he wasn't involved with his own daughter's rearing and probably doesn't even understand what day-to-day life with children is supposed to look like. I'm not suggesting that you can or should try to *teach* him, either. Just saying it may not be a conscious thing and it doesn't mean he is a bad person.

However, I think your instincts are right on the mark. He is not prepared to be a step-dad and share his daily world with a child. I'd even say not specifically your child, but ANY child. Some people aren't *naturals* when it comes to being around kids. And it isn't likely to change. Even those who aren't naturals can be great parents to their own kids, but it's not a role easily worn as a step parent.
He sounds like he just doesn't get it. If your daughter was also grown and flown, like his, then it wouldn't have the same importance. He could be civil and polite and even welcoming to a *guest* when she was home visiting. But for a child who needs to be comfortable in her own home, this sound like it isn't working.
Again, not for any nefarious or unkind reasons probably, but... not working. And you recognize this. So good for you and good for your daughter. And good for your BF, too, b/c he doesn't sound like he would be happiest sharing time with your daughter full time as you envision (and should envision).

I'm sorry that it appears to be the case, but I'm glad you have the awareness to question it now so you can all move on without there being some huge blowup.

Just sounds like you have different visions of what your day-to-day/full-time life with each other should look like. Yours includes your daughter in everything. His doesn't. That isn't really compromisable(?) territory.

---
ETA after your SWH:
Thank you for coming back to share. I'm sorry it wasn't the right time/person for you, but glad you got confirmation that you were making the right choice, versus always wondering later down the road.
The fact that you now can say, "As usual, an emotionally unavailable response." means there were more issues than just his relationship (or lack of) with your daughter.
Take some time to heal from the pain of ending a relationship (there is always pain when something ends) and know it was the right thing.

Something you should bear in mind for the future is that it is hard to be a stepparent. Sometimes what looks great on the surface is wearing later. I rejoiced the year I finally got my DH to have a summer trip that did not revolve around the sks - but he had to rent a house and have it be empty to come to my POV. So whenever you decide (if) to date again, remember that it's OK to want some couple time and take trips without her occasionally. One day she will be grown and gone. You need to build a foundation if you want a relationship to last longer than her tuition payments.

So though I think you did the right thing here, remember that you've had x years with her, she's yours, you get along well with her. Someone coming in new might go through a honeymoon period and then not feel as rosy later. And it's OK as long as it's not mistreating you or her. I like my sks well enough...but after they visit from college, I'm happy to get my house back.

Updated:
Thanks for updating us :) It must be so hard to end things, but I think you did the right thing. I think you will feel really good and proud of your decision as time goes on. It must be a bit of a shock, but you're right - his answer said it all.

You will be able to move on now and with this new wisdom, find the right guy for you when the time is right :) who will also include your daughter. Best wishes

I like Nervy Girl's advice. I think it's bang on. And I like the part where she says don't let your daughter ever feel she was part of your decision (should you decide to end things).

I commend you on being open and honest about this. So many posts on here make me want to cringe because they favor the boyfriend over the children they already have and they are just looking for us to say it's all ok, when clearly their instinct is telling them otherwise. I think you're being very honest and objective. And clearly putting your daughter's feelings first - which I think is good.

I read back through your posts and see you were asking if this was a red flag back last summer. So same guy, but different concern. So .. that being said, you've already had some red flags along the way. And you're only in less than 2 years.

I agree with Nervy - that an adult only vacation is totally fine, and healthy too. However, with him pulling back from her, not talking to her, and her withdrawing, there's more to it than just not including her on a vacation. Some men are just not that into kids. Some men are just interested in mom. If he didn't parent his own child when she grew up, he may not even realize what all is involved.

So I tend to agree with Nervy - this may just not be a great fit. Personally, that's what it sounds like, especially when I read through your other question. You sound very up front and honest. I would trust your gut. As a mom, I know I'd hate to see my child retreat to her room when I had someone over. That must be very difficult. My advice would be to not limit yourself to this guy. You could be meeting someone else who is better suited to not just you, but your family. Good luck :) keep us posted!

I think that our gut feelings are rarely wrong. Having said that, is it possible that he simply doesn't know how to "behave" around your daughter? If he didn't raise his own kiddo, and he himself was brought up in a home that kids were treated this way (obviously I don't know that one way or the other), how could he possibly know how to connect with any child - yours or his own? I think the question isn't so much is he having 2nd thoughts, but more, is he willing to look at what his behavior is doing and make a change for the good of the "family." Real love and growth comes from accepting that what you are doing is making someone unhappy and willing to look at changing your behaviors (within reason) if for no other reason than to make someone happy. This could be a solvable problem. He is a keeper if he can listen and try to change :)

Good luck!

I think couples need alone time, to go out on dates. He is missing this with you. He may be comfortable and feel not needed with your daughter too.

I would enjoy a trip away with the hubby. All the couples I know that have kids spend time away from them as a couple. The last ones just went on a 7 day cruise around the Gulf. They did Stingrays on the coast of South America. It was quite exciting.

Couples are going to be together long after the kids are grown so they need that couple time to grow as a couple and to be together alone.

Your daughter isn't his child and isn't going to be anyone's child that you're with. If he's a good guy then I'd say he is worth keeping.

But in all honesty, maybe he can find someone who understands that couple time is important. Your daughter has a dad who is involved in her life. You are involved in her life. How much time do you expect your guy to spend with her?

what does he say about why he no longer talks to your daughter? whats his reason for wanting an "adults only" vacation? have you talked it over with him?
i would consider going with the gut feeling unless hes got decent reasons for his behavior.