So I haven't been with my son's father since he was three months old (he is currently 8 months old). We have a pretty cordial relationship and can co-parent well, but that's in large part because he wants to get back together. One of my friends told me that she thinks I need to start dating again. She's not saying that I should get into a serious relationship, but just go out and have fun. She thinks it will help me move past my ex and hopefully not "fall back" for him. Basically she doesn't think that I'm REALLY moving on based on my interactions with him, which I could probably see (we do tend to fall back into flirting stages, it's just then two weeks later I remember why we broke up, but then forget again a week later). I don't have a lot of friends and family here so for a couple of years my life was basically my ex and I don't have much of a social life outside of him. I have joined a book club, a mom's club, a church, but my work schedule is really hectic and I don't get to always do things with them that I want to so I haven't really obtained new friends out of this.
So, there is a guy who I used to work with at my old job who has asked me out a couple of times and I always turn him down. It's not that I'm not interested it's just I'm SO interested in being a mother right now that I don't want to even have a possibility of complicating things with a guy. I just want to focus on my son. However, I am getting kind of lonely and can feel myself pulling back to my ex just out of loneliness. I've been thinking of maybe taking my old co-worker up on his offer and going and getting a drink one night when baby boy is with his dad. I keep thinking that maybe it would be good to just get back out there as long as it's emphasized as being a very casual "date." What do you think?
You moms are giving such good advice and perspectives to look at. The guy and I are actually friends already. We talk about once-twice every other week and I have told him a few times that I am not looking for a relationship so if I finally accepted, I would re-emphasize this. He says that he wants to just take me out for a fun night since I haven't really experienced a positive night out like that in a while so it would be almost more of a friends thing. I do like the suggestions of avoiding drinks if I were to go out with him. I would not be going home and "jumping in bed" with him, but I definitely don't want it to seem like that at all. But, as many of you have picked up on, my baby is my number 1. Part of the reason I don't get back with his dad no matter how lonely or how easy it is to fall back in is because I remember I was not a good mom while I was with him cause I was always to focused on my relationship. My son is my absolute world and everyone in my life knows it (including my son :))!
This is part of the reason I asked, so I could see some different perspectives and ideas before making my ultimate and final decision about it.
A casual date would be fine, so long as you make that clear. But I would do lunch or something, not go out for drinks... that can lead to complications ;)
Exes are exes for a reason. Never, ever forget that. Those people who get back together with their exes and stay together are the exception, not the rule.
With that said, if I were you, I wouldn't put any pressure on myself to date. If you meet someone who really trips your trigger, you'll know. Just wait until you run into that person...but don't look too hard for them.
I wouldn't. I think you should follow your interest in being a momma and not let life get complicated with a guy. To help with loneliness, keep trying to get to know other moms and hang out with them. I know it isn't the same, but you have a responsibility to keep your son your #1 priority, which it sounds like you feel that way. Adding a guy in really complicates things... Plus, it doesn't sound like it's been very long since you've been on your own without a guy. I'd give a nice length of time so that there is no rebounding.
ADDED: My mom remarried when I was a teen. She put her husband before us. It was an awful situation...one of the most painful times of my life. I've vowed that if I ever get divorced or my hubby dies, I will never get remarried. I can't risk hurting my children like I was hurt. I'd consider getting remarried once my kids are grown. Just something to keep in mind when thinking about finding a guy. You're a mom now...keep your baby your focus ALWAYS.
I wouldn't. Your priority now is your son. He'll be 17 before you know it. The time flies by.
I'm not saying never take a break or do something for yourself. Your son is a baby and he needs mom. If you lI've being mom as you stated you do, embrace that and get involved with groups where you can socialize with adults bt also groups where you socialize with your son.
Follow YOUR heart, not advice from friends who think you should be
dating.
Best wishes
I would probably go. I'd do my best to be honest to my date about where I was in my life.
Focus on your son but find friends and outside things to do so that you DO have an adult life as well as a mommy life. Don't get serious unless you're REALLY serious about it, and any man you date seriously has to realize that he is not just dating you, he is dating you and your son & will be part of a family eventually.
From experience, I can tell you that when a mom puts finding a man before being a mom, it's horrible. My mother did that consistently and broke our relationship because of her selfishness (it extends into all areas of our no longer existing relationship).
Take care of yourself, have a life separate from your son, just not more important than your relationship with your son.
Good luck and have fun!
Don't just go out with someone because you are lonely or what not.
Even if it is just a casual date... CHOOSE a good quality guy.
Not just any ol' dude. Or you will be in a vicious cycle.
And what if that guy asks you out again?
So as the other Moms said below: you GOTTA be straightforward to the guy/any guy, that you go out with. That you are not looking for anything because you are a Mom and value your child and that is your priority.
I would not go out for drinks/dinner. A guy will probably expect, more.
Go out to coffee. Or lunch.
And by the way, even if you EMPHASIZE that this is a 'causal date.' A guy... may take that to mean, no strings attached but he can have sex with you and you won't care and he can see anyone else and have his cake and eat it too.
"Casual date"... to most men... does not mean being your "pal" or buddy. It means... casual/open/loose/no strings/no obligation and no having to call you back.
I think it sounds like a great idea--just the way you have it planned. Have fun!
I am not a fan of casual dating or dating out of loneliness, only bc it is kind of like using the other person, of course unintentionally. I was single until I was 30 and I made a plan to not date anyone unless it was someone I was really interested in. I broke this rule a few times and I just hurt the guys bc honestly I just wasn't into them but wanted to have some fun with a guy and they seemed ok, but I didn't have that zing for them. I was also on the receiving end of this when I was young and in college. A guy I knew who I was just crazy about 'liked' me but his feelings just weren't what mine were. He strung me along for quite awhile, bc I allowed it of course, but he just enjoyed the company of an attractive female, he never had the intention to take things deeper but I always wanted more. If both people are just really casual, in my experience the date isn't very fun bc what makes a date fun and exciting is that bit of mystery and mutual attraction. It's like getting on a roller coaster you have never been on and not being sure what exactly will happen but it seems exciting. Of course I am not saying it is wrong to go out with the work guy I just don't know if it is the wisest thing ever. If you are attracted and he seems like a quality guy and you genuinely want to get to know him more, go! If you are just wanting to move on from someone else and not be lonely, they guy will likely just get hurt by you and that is no fun for anyone. You have to move on and deal with loneliness on your own, which it sounds like you are doing and it does take time, no one else can really fill that hole for you. Good luck!!
I think its a great idea. Most men dont expect anything serious off the bat anyways. You both would be just going out as friends to see if there would even be a chance of wanting anything more.
Don't let haveing a baby stop you.
I have 3 kids, one 4 1/2 month old. I have gone on 3 dates in the last 2 months. Nothing serious just talking and dinner. Its good to go do something.
Go for it. It sounds like just what you need.
obviously it's not putting your son second to o on a date, he'd be with his dad anyway, so if you werent going out and having fun it seems you'd be alone. If he's a friend and wants to hang out, you can treat it like that. You don't have to call it a date. Why not get a group of people together to hang out if you're worried he'll think its more. I also don't think coffee sounds all that fun, unless thats your thing. Find something you've wanted to do, a play. a concert, bowling, hiking, bar to have a drink or two, and enjoy yourself. You know people that are with their babies bio parent still take nights to go out and have fun/. I've realized that after giving myself guilt trips about having fun when shes not with M. for 1 and 1/2 nights a week and then I realize WOW the same people I see out on those nights have kids and it's their date nights with their SO and do you know what they're not bad parents for taking one night a week to reconnect, so I;m not for enjying myself on the night shes with her dad.
ANYWAY enough of M. rationalizing my own feelings=) Go out, have fun!
I would go out. It isn't a serious thing. Just have fun... I am a single parent and love getting out whether on a "date" or with friends. We all need time and time away from our children gives us a new perspective when we get home. I will at times go scrapbooking for a night away, or go to a movie with friends and yes go on a date. I walk every Saturday with a man friend. I need me time and find that I am a much better parent when I do this. My children are a little older ....ok well a lot older now. I did take me time while married also. you need this...... so hope this helps.
