Single Child Syndrome or Just a Brat?

Just a thought... I am a "single child" and I was not disrespectful, nor did I exhibit "bratty" behaviors due to having been a single child.

You would not be stooping to her level by expecting her to be respectful to you. But ultimately, the way she is parented is going to be far more influential in her behavior than any interaction you have with her.

Frankly, as long as she's dressed up, I don't see why she couldn't participate in trick-or-treating. I think it was unfair to ban her from the fun part, but then to "allow" her to go along and watch other kids doing what she's been told she can't. I trick-or-treated all through high school, in costume, and still dress up every year to trick-or-treat with my daughter. She's only 14, will have adult responsibilities soon enough, let her be a kid and do kid things while she still can.

She should have been allowed to go trick-or-treating, if you want my opinion. She obviously didn't think that the "dictated" celebration of Halloween you & her mom planned was too enjoyable. I probably wouldn't have wanted to walk along "helping" two 7 year olds (who don't need help) getting the candy that I wanted to be out getting myself!
As for what you can do about your nieces behavior and your sister's attitude? Nothing really. Your sister is free to parent as she wishes and your niece should follow your rules while she's at your house.

In my opinion...there is no such thing, as single child syndrome. Children are only as bratty, as parents raise them and allow them to be. I know plenty of single children, that are wonderful. I know plenty of children, from multiple child families, that are terrible. Yes...she is most likely spoiled and bratty. Her parents have probably let her get away with this, since she was old enough to throw a fit. They are in for some interesting years ahead.

Talk to your daughters. Reinforce, that they way she acts, is not acceptable, or kind. Your children sound very sweet, they are probably put off by her behavior, as much as you!

First of all, there's no such thing as "single-child syndrome." I'm just a wee bit tired of the idea (that's often echoed on here) that all only-children are spoiled, bratty, selfish, etc. simply because we're only children. WE ARE NOT! I was NEVER allowed to be a brat and neither were my friends who were only children. The kids I know who are selfish or brats are that way with siblings and without. It's because their parents don't teach them any better. Your niece sounds like a brat. She's also 14, but to act that way to younger kids and whatever she said about the special needs kid -that's just rude. It was nice of you and your girls to make her a goody bag. In the future I wouldn't go out of my way to do anything "extra" for her. I would call her out in a very adult, calm way if she was ever rude or mean to my children -if I were you. They are young, and she has no business acting that way. If she's rude to you, tell her firmly that you don't put up with children speaking to you in that manner and she is a child -and let her know she's really acting like one too!

I didn't even get all the through your post...so sorry if what I say is way off..I am an only child, and being rude and not saying thank you was not an option...I am not completely sure what the only child syndrome is but unless it equates to rude, self centeredness then I think she is expriencing normal young teen attitude compounded by not having (never been taught?) manners! By 14, thank you and gratitude should be second nature, only child or not.

She's 14 and you think that's too old to go out with her cousins and have some fun? Sorry but I can't get through the rest of the post. I feel bad for her because she's not allowed to have fun just because she's a little older. My 12-year-old trick-or-treated with her cousins, and they are 9, 14 and 16. There is no way we would have made the 16-year-old sit it out. What's one more piece of candy if you're handing it out to four kids? (I dressed up last year and people gave me candy and I'm 47!!)

14 is a tough age. And it sounds like the adults in your family are being pretty rough on her and expecting her to just grow up. Haven't you been around teenagers before? Your kids will get there someday, and the things they do and say might actually surprise you. So beware.....

She's a brat. I know a lot of "only children" who are respectful and grateful children. There is no such thing as "single child syndrome", but it sounds like your sister is buying into this concept.

My niece's daughter was an only child for many years and is an absolute nightmare. Just before my son was born, we had the whole family at our house for dinner. "H" wanted to see the baby's room, so I took her in to see it. She (6 at the time) wanted to see his stuffed animals, so my MIL took them off the shelf so she could see, fine. She asked if she could keep one, "no". She then threw it on the floor, jumped on it and threw a tantrum.

My niece was a young, single parent at the time and "H" pretty much did what she wanted. I will say this, my MIL grabbed her by the arm and put her in the den, shut the door and told my niece exactly what happened. When she said something about "she's probably just jealous", my MIL pretty much said, "oh well" and stood in front of the door until the Time-out was over, not letting her usual "rescuers" past. Since then, when she's rude or nasty to any of us, especially the younger children I don't hesitate to say something/do something. Let's just say that my MIL and I don't have the behavioral issues that my niece and her husband experience...neither does her teacher!

I wouldn't call it single child syndrome. I am an only child and was never that way. If I was disrespectful to others, I was put firmly in my place. I wouldn't exactly call her a brat, though, either. Spoiled and self-centered...yes. Her mother is not doing her any favors by letting this continue. I will easily admit that my daughter is spoiled, but I make sure she is completely grounded in reality. (She has total strangers giving her toys and such, which I really don't mind LOL). She understands sharing and says thank you on her own most of the time...she is almost 2. I know it is a different situation between a toddler and a teen, but then again...maybe not as much. :-)
You can only do so much as her Aunt, though. When she interacts with you and your family, you can give her small doses of reality. If you give her something and she doesn't seem to appreciate it, you can tell her nicely that she can always give it back, etc. If she is around you much, you could always hint about how real life is. I have had some experience with mentoring teens. You might not think that they are listening, but they do even if they don't act like it. She will thank you someday.
Good luck!!

I think she should have been allowed to go trick or treating. I think it's great she still wanted to be a kid. Why are we making our kids grow up so quickly these days?

Regardless, She sounds like a brat. Most teens are. I don't think there's anything wrong with talking to her about the way she treats people. I talk to my nieces and nephews when they do something wrong but ultimately it needs to be your sister that disciplines her for the way she acts.

Don't blame it on being a single child -- it's called the teenage years!

The Halloween Question :o). I think as long as they want to they should - BUT I would think most 14 year olds would want to go to a party or something instead. I just can't imagine wanting to do it in 8th or 9th grade!! It's a "kid" thing. But there are plenty that do and I don't give them a hard time about it. As far as the single child or brat thing, I agree with another poster that it's really about how the child is raised. Not saying your sister did a bad job, but it sounds like she was just really upset that she couldn't go and that she wasn't taught at an early age to use respect. I tell my nieces and sister and brother things I think. In an honest and caring kind of way, same as they do with my kids. We are for the most part really close and can say things. If my kids speak rudely or forget to use manners, anyone in my family feels free to tell them. My two nieces are 15 months and 13 months and they are just starting to talk and use manners, but we ABSOLUTELY remind them to always use them. I see nothing wrong with you telling her that her behavior is wrong. If people don't tell her, she will never know any better. And then who is to blame?

She's just a brat. My son is an only child and would never act like that to my SIL or his little cousins. It's hard because you are not the mom and don't want to start a family war, but it sounds like your niece is just getting away with being a snot. Not much you can do besides take back the candy and say " If you're so unhappy with the candy we gave you, I'm just going to take it back." and leave it at that. If the niece doesn't get the hint, her mom should. Hopefully its a phase and she'll grow out of it!

There's no excuse for being rude and not saying a nice thank you when you are handed something. However, I can't help but feel a little bad for your niece. She wanted to trick or treat, but was told no, she could only walk along with her cousins, not dress up and participate? I'm sorry, I have to agree with her, that IS boring! I disagree with her not being allowed to fully participate with the younger girls, but that was your sister's decision. As long as she was feeling sore about it, I don't know how in the world seeing her cousins all dressed up with their bags of candy would make her very happy, even if they did make her up a little bag. Just knowing she was upset, I would not even have had the younger girls around hanging out at her house after trick or treating. It wouldn't feel right to putting it out there right in front of her face, the trick or treat experience that she missed. Not excusing rudeness to your children. But at 14, she is a little young to have throught through all that anger in the moment to know that it really isn't the little girls' fault she wasn't allowed to trick or treat for her own candy, so she should still be grateful to have received some candy from them.

She is just a brat. There are as many generous and aprreciative only's out there as there are bratty children of larger families. My SIL is the oldest of 6 kids. Her youngest sister (18) sounds A LOT like your niece. This girl is a diva that feels the world owes her everything...so clearly a person who has siblings could also be a total brat. It sounds like your sister is not doing the greatest job teaching her daughter some very key life lessons....but just think that perhaps even if she had 2 or more children, she may not do a great job teaching generosity, thoughtfulness, compassion, gratitude,etc. I feel for you because you are in a tough spot...you can't overstep with your niece without causing a riff with your sister. Only thing you really can do is explain to your daughters that just because "M" acts that way, there is no way you would tolerate that type of horrible behavior. Good luck.

Personally, I don't think 14 is too old to go trick or treating, but that is neither here nor there.

Since she's 14 and her hormones and emotions are all over the place, I might cut her some slack. I don't think I'd be "calling her out" on her rudeness other than to say matter-of-factly, "Don't talk to me that way, sweetie. I'm your Aunt. Save the drama for your mama."

Also, I don't think you should judge how your niece feels or if her apologies are insincere. She said the words. Take them at face value. She might have said them with eyerolls and a snotty tone of voice, but she really might be sorry. Give her the benefit of the doubt. She's just too proud to admit it. Maybe the last thing in the world that she wants to do is admit that her mother or you are right.

If it were me, I'd tell her in confidence that she could talk to me about anything. That I will listen and be there for her. I would say I love her and that even if she doesn't want me around, that I'm here for her.

Remember, this may not be about Halloween at all. She could be having troubles in other areas and you get the benefit of her anger transference.

I agree with ILuvmylife. Although she does sound like a brat I think if she was willing to get dressed up she should have been allowed to trick or treat. At my house I don't care if you are a baby or 102 if you have a costume on you get a piece of candy. I am 29 and haven't stopped dressing up for Halloween yet at 14 she is old enough she could have dressed up and taken your twins around the block giving you a little break I used to dress up and take my little sister around (there is 8 years between us) I think it was wrong of you to tell her she could not trick or treat but could tag along and then you wonder why she gave an attitude that night. She was probably hurt that she didn't get to go and then you added insult to injury by having the girls give her candy.

She is a teenager, and it sounds like a bit of a brat. If she were my child I would have made her return the treats! Kids act like that because they don't have any consequences from their parents. Your job is to raise your kids the best you can, and if this other child is rude, and a bad example, I would start limiting contact. Simply tell your sister that once she gets her child's behavior under control, she will be more welcome.

Another poster here who agrees that there is no single child syndrome.

I have an only (15) and she certainly does not act like that.

It sounds like your sister is using "single child syndrome" as a copout and she is lacking parental skills.

As for you, I completely agree that it is not good for your girls to witness the behavior. When they do see it, and they will, use it as a learning experience to your girls of how NOT to act and let them see that this girl's behavior is not positive.

I think this girl needs someone to love and support her unconditionally. Tenns have a lot of stuff going on in their heads but they still need an adult they can trust and communicate with. I am sorry for the 14 yr old as well as the family.

I feel the same way you are about rude kids, regardless of their age, if they are relations, etc.

I think if it's your house - it's your rules. And any visitors to your house should show respect - to you, your family and your household items. That being said, I think you owe it to yourself and your sister to have a talk with her BEFORE you start standing your ground. In essence, you are changing how you are going to behave.

I would expect her to get upset and defensive...so you may want to talk with her in person, so she can't just hang up on you.

I wouldn't bring up anything about her daughter being a single child or condeming her parenting. I would simply say that "you've noticed" that her daughter isn't treating you or your family respectfully. That you understand that she's a teenager and all, but that you have an expectation of a minimum level of respect.

Give your sister a chance to absorb it, get defensive, etc. and don't say anything. Just listen to her. Let her "vent" and don't feel the need to defend yourself, your beliefs, etc.

Once your sister is done. Be clear, that any visitors to your house are expected to be respectful to you and your family and that you are not singling out her child.

All that said, perhaps you are right. Perhaps her daughter is at that "rude awakening" point. Perhaps she's at that awkward teenager stage where she wants to be treated like an "adult" - do what she wants, say what she wants, etc. And that's all fine. Then maybe she needs to also deal with the consequences of her behavior - having strangers, or other adult family members telling her when she's acting inappropriately.

You are right, it WILL get worse!

Not sure how much it has to do with being an only.

My sister's daughter who is now 16, has and has ALWAYS had a nasty attitude.

She and my daughter (13) spend a lot of time together. When my neice is here she isn't generally mouthy....occasionally she let's loose and I just will not tolerate it. My daughter and I talk about my neice 'tude quite a lot.

My sister and I were brought up like twins, are very similar, and are very close.

Yeah, I know WHY the kid is such a snot, but she's not MY kid and I cherish my relationship with my sister.

She seems to enjoy spending time with us even though I won't put up with her 'the world owes me something cause I'm here' attitude. Luckily my sister does not get upset when I correct my neice, I think in fact she's grateful.

For a thousand different reasons, she is unable to put her foot down. I like to think we'll have a very positive effect on my neice throughout her life, she doesn't have a negative effect on us, we just shake it off.

In our county, Trick or Treating is for 12 yrs and younger - they have a law covering it. Older kids escorting younger kids can get some candy, but it keeps the teens from roaming in groups and getting obnoxious.
My son is 12 (his last year for Trick or Treating was this year), he's an only child, and I've been told by many he has impeccable manners. Always says Please, Thank you, You're welcome, opens doors for me and does his chores with nary a grumble.
I'd chalk it up to her being a brat (and her Mom letting her get away with it).
Spend less time with her if you can so she doesn't rub off on your kids.
The 14 yr old will be inserting her foot into her mouth often enough and letting other parents call her on it should wise her up sooner or later. Say nothing unless her Mom asks your opinion.