Sleeping/dependancy Issues.

John Rosemond has an excellent book called Making the Terrible Twos Terrific, which isn't to say that she is terrible, but he gives lots of ideas for helping them to become independent. His website is www.rosemond.com. Good luck!

I have a 3 yr old who is going through some dependancy issues of her own. I am also prior military. There very few locations or MOS now days that do not offer video or tele-conferencing when deployed or seperated, and at the very least telephone and email. You didn't mention anything about family time while he is deployed, so maybe you guys can start a daily/weekly appt. to get together and have this special family time. The joys of your daughters daily/weekly highlights can be shared, and she can hear his voice, see him, or you can read his message to her (and she can help you type one to him). If you do it only once a week, make a special thing where you too have a good lunch and popcorn for dinner while watching Dora the Explorer or something. Have her draw her daddy a picture. Video her dancing and have her help you mail it. She'll understand to a point and love it. As for the night time blues, I breastfeed my daughter and discovered I was too lazy/to tired in the middle of the night to put her back. Turned out great though. We have developed our routine with reading and snuggling, and depending on how tired she is, its our secret time to talk about our favorit parts of the day and she shares her "secrets" with me. Her princess bed is set up next to mine b/c she is scared to be alone... not just at night time. It's been going on for about 6 mo now, not sure why, but she has a VIVID imiagination, and I'm sure thats not helping her scarry dreams. It works out great though, and if she has a horrible nightmare, I'm right there. The bed helps her feel safe and independent, and my husband and I are not held hostage by the limitations. We know its a phase, and we work around it. I can't see this going on to much longer, she loves her indepence, and as time goes on, I can see her getting more an more confident that I am not going to disapear. Its normal for a kid to go through this needed stage by the by- some are more needy that others. Yours sound like she needs extra attention. Maybe an read an extra book, pick out a special night time medlodies CD, say a prayer together about keeping her daddy safe. When daddy comes back, maybe he read her books before bed. Good luck. Remember its only a phase, and she needs your love an understanding.

Hello A.,

That is a hard one to break but one that you need to break when DH isn't around. It takes time. When my kids were little and I had trouble with my oldest one, I used to stay by his bed til he feel asleep. Some nights I found myself falling asleep right there. I would talk to him and sing to him til he feel back to sleep. My husband was military too and I was a SAHM. It's not an easy task but once they learn to sleep in their own bed - it is well worth the tourtune you feel like your going through. When she does stay all night in her own bed make a big deal out of it and phrase her. Good luck!

Hi A.
First I want to send you and your family a sincere thank you for what you are sacrificing for the rest of us in this country. This war is so incredibly difficult on the families. I hope your husband is home with you soon.

I dont know from expereince as my little boy is just 8 months but from what I have seen with my nieces and nephew is that they have been allowed to stay in thier parents bed whenever they were stressed or needed extra attention. My sister also has a lounge type chair in her room that can double as a bed for little ones near the bed. Maybe something like this could work when your husband is home so she could be near you but not necessarily in your bed.

I wish you the best of luck
kind regards
T.

this is very normal for military kids, she is feeling the seperation of daddy being gone, my daughter is going through the same thing right now with her 2 kids, 6 and 19 months just be firm and reassuring that you are still there in the next room, and thank you for serving because the families serve too. hang in there

I wonder if you could get a little blow up mattress so she could sleep on the floor in your room when she wakes? Or, you may need to sleep in her room for awhile until she adjusts. What if you played a tape with your voice singing and telling her you love her when she drifts off to sleep? I dont know much about military families but it does sound like she has some concerns. Perhaps a visit or two with a counselor could help you find ways to help her. The feeling of being able to trust is essential in the healthy developement of a child. I congratulate you on recognizing the problem, its so important for children to feel 'okay' inside. I do hope you persist to find some solutions for her. God Bless.

i have three children will soon have four and my husband is in the national guard he has been over seas twice new mexico once and a few other places and what i have figured out is that if you dont want them in your bed when he is home it isnt okay for them to be there when he is gone and i know its hard because when hes gone its lonley but if you allow it at one point in time then she want it always. As far as teh seperation anxiety you are just going to have to give in to her as a military family being apart is a regular thing and well..... she is going to need someone to let her know that they will always be there. if i were you id talk to my husband make sure its fine with him for her to sleep with the two of you and just allow her into the bed if she needs it at nite adn when she goes back to sleep either let her stay there or take her back to her own room

hi A..
My older daughter is 6 and her dad was gone alot with Military too. I also was the only person that was constant in her life. She ended up in bed with me at 9 mos old because she was not going to sleep until 2 or 3 AM. Her daddy was gone and I just couldn't do it anymore. She would scream and cry for 3 hours instead of cry herself to sleep like the experts say will happen. She would make herself so sick she vomited.
She would start to do pretty good about getting in her own bed, then we'd move again and she wasn't used to the house or the town, so she was back in our bed. We had been here (where we are now) for a year and she started : if I get glow in the dark stars, I'll sleep in my own bed. If I get this or that, I'll sleep in my own bed. Finally bunk beds. (she had a full size bed, so we traded on the full/twin futon bunk). that worked about a week. This time, I bought her the special LED flashlights that are nightlights. It plugs in right at her bed. But still when she is sick or has nightmares, etc, she's in bed with us. She has a baby sister now and my husband tried to tell her because sister sleeps in her own room, she should too. They are separated by a half bath and he told her she needs to be the big sister and stay in her room to help listen for the baby. She is a wonderful big sister and will do anything for the baby, but that didn't help. she got to pick out her own sheets, curtains. She got the tinkerbell ceiling fan. On and on. I know what you are going through. Just try to be there for your little one without getting frustrated. Eventually, they will outgrow this.
-D.

All four of my children would wake up in the middle of the night when they were toddlers and crawl in bed with mommy and daddy. We would always let them get in bed with us. Sometimes they would tell me they had a bad dream, or they woke up and were scared, or their little arms and legs were cold. We always let them get in bed with us. We would wait until they were asleep and gently put them back in their bed or if we fell asleep too we would put them back in their bed when we woke up in the morning.

Children go through stages when they need to be able to see you to feel secure. She may need that more when her dad is deployed. It is a developmental stage and she will eventually outgrow it. I always give my children whatever they seem to need from me, not what they want, but what they seem to need. Just listen to her and try to give her what she needs.

Dear A.,
I too wanted to add my thanks to you, your husband and your daughter for the sacrifices you are making. I know it must be hard on all of you. You're right to be aware of the potential difficulties your daughter sleeping with you when your husband is home can be. She also may be too young to understand the difference. You've gotten some great advice so far. I just wanted to suggest finding a way to make your husband more of a constant even though he can't be there. I know the military has a program where the deployed parent reads books on video so they can be part of the nighttime routine. Maybe you could also get your husband to sing a lullabye or special song that you can play for your daughter before bed and if she wakes in the night. I kept a rocker in my children's room just for those nights when they would wake up. I would just hold and rock them until they fell back asleep. I wish you all the best and know your sacrifice is appreciated.
Good luck,
L. D.

A.,

I personally remember a stage where I did not want to leave my mom - I cried for her in the middle of the night and I remember being really frightened when she wasn't there. I must have been 3-4 years old. My parents were married and my mom didn't work - so I do believe it was just a stage I went through.

My own children also went through a stage of sleeping in my bed. Both children started out in their beds and by morning we had two exta little bodies with us (my son slept curled into my front with his head directly under my chin). There was never a worry about this, since in time it passed. I remember the only time it really was a bother was if I was ill.

I do believe all children experience this and you being a military mom, it is much more heightened. I say be there as much as you can and allow her to express her need for you and with time, she will begin to understand that YOU aren't going anywhere.

Good luck and god bless your
husband (and your entire family)....!

A., time for the tough love speech! I too, am a military wife and mother of 3. Where exactly are you stationed? We lived in Germany for three years, my final duty station, with our two daughters,oldest was 2 when we arrived and the next one arrived 8 months later! I always let the kids sleep with me when daddy is gone, and right after moving. However, once their beds arrived, and when daddy came home, they had to return to their beds. We talked about it all the time, and unfortunately had to go through the constant crying for a few nights. But they finally got it. And when they came to my bed, as tired as I was, I had to walk them back to their own. My son was born with medical problems so I let him get away with soooo much! When I finally made him sleep in his bed, he would do the vomiting thing too. It was bad because he had a wt issue along with it. But I knew it would be best for him and my marriage if I would just stick it out. Eventually he got it and has gotten to the point when he needs me at night, he comes in but goes back to his bed once we are done.

I know it's hard, but I promise it will not cause mental anguish or pain for her. She has to realize this is how it is or I promise it will cause marital problems for you. We have a friend that started sleeping in his son's room because the boy was in bed with mom....poor boy did this for 5 years until his marriage fell apart. Think of the mental issues for the little boy! You have to lay down the rules and this is the age to start. Otherwise you'll be like me fighting them when they are 12!!! Have you thought of putting her in daycare for a day or two?? I know it would be tough on you but maybe hit the gym or just go have coffee alone somewhere for a few hours. They have hourly daycare avail on base and it will do her well to mingle with other kids. All three of my children blossomed when they met other kids and could escape from mom for a little bit. Make it a schedule so she gets used to it. It could help with the attachment issues not that it's a problem, but will make your life less smothering! Mommy's need time alone, too or we lose ourselves. I hope this helps and if you ever need to chat, scream or cry you can contact me! ____@____.com Take care and best of luck!