Social Anxiety in 4 Yr Old

I think it's normal and it's important to let her have these feelings. My son had a lot of social anxiety around school (it was his first year of preschool) and about understanding fidelity and friendships. Now at five he is a social butterfly and so happy to try new activities. I think my desire to have everything go just right added to his unhappiness. We worry so much as parents but for this issue I suggest you make light of any anxiety ridden issues that come up.

My daughter went through the same thing: she loved school until she began to realize that this is an everyday, all day, all my foreseeable life kind of thing. Even though it seemed the transition from home to school went well in preschool, it all of a sudden seemed to regress. She just preferred staying home, doing what she wanted to do, and playing with friends during play dates. Not to scare you, but it could also be the very early indications of a difference in learning style, or even a learning disability (although I hate that word). My daughter has dyslexia and ADD and learns very well by doing and observing, less well by just listening or reading. Early on in Kindergarten she hated having to write her name, she had a hard time learning the letter sounds and the order of the alphabet, she still does not know the order of the months in the year or her own phone number, but her IQ is very high, she is making A's and B's with accommodations. I would just give her lots of hugs and let her know that she can deal with everything in her own good time, and maybe during bedtime chats she will open up.

She may simply feel the need for more mommy time. Children go through many growth spurts, and they are not just physical...Growthspurts can occur in awareness of surroundings and the world, emotional development, cognative development, as well as the physical. She is at an age for leaps in development right now. As her awareness expands and her emotional growth continues, she may become more sensative or more clingy with you.

It is normal. Just try to give her some extra mommy time and talk to her. Encourage her to talk about things and feelings and guide her with any misconceptions that crop up.

I'm sure it is just her age.

My daughter, would fluctuate that way too... socially.
She went to Preschool which she loved, she loved school. Then when at Kindergarten, she got a little inward. Nothing major or anything 'wrong' per say... just adaptation kid things. And she is just the type, that is an observer and very much, goes by her... feelings on interacting.... but she is overall really great... about things.

Maybe... is there just too much on her plate?
She goes to school, dance class, and daycare at the Gym....
maybe... she just needs more time... with you and just at home or doing things non-class like.... and it is also, her age.
This happens.

Also, ask her school Teacher... if she is doing fine socially... and overall there?
Does she go part-time or every day? Half-days or ALL day? That can also make a difference....

I think, it is just too much on her plate. And per her age and what 'she' needs....

all the best,
Susan

You can try to talk with her about it. I had the same thing happen with my daughter. I had trouble with her going to her gymnastics class. Luckily it was the end of the session and there were like 2 classes left so she didn't miss much. Then she had alot of problems at her babysitters that she was going to 2 days a week. (But I also partly blame the sitter - that is a different story). I had to pull her out of the sitter. Luckily my mom was willing to watch her full time. When all this was happening....preschool started. So we had a little trouble with that. THEN something on TV freaked her out and she had horrible anxiety for about a month. It got better. Just make sure you try and talk with her and comfort her. Give her some time. If it does not get better, talk with your peditrician. I did bring it up to her doc when she had a check up, but she was getting better so the doc didn't think any further treatment was necessary. If it does get worse, she could always see a social worker.
My oldest daughter had to see a social worker when she was about 7 or 8. She had an EXTREME fear of thunderstorms. It got out of control. She only had about 8 weeks of treament. After that, if she was in school, we had worked with the school social worker and my daughter knew she was there to help. She grew out of it eventually. I am sure you have nothing to worry about.

I don't think it's social anxiety, I just think she knows she's growing up and maybe does not yet want to grow up enough to be away from mommy. I think it's pretty normal. Also, my granddaughter never really wants to go anywhere either simply because she has alot of fun playing with her toys and friends at home and going somewhere takes away from that time. I do find that at ages 3 - 4 children kind of regress. My grandchildren have spent weekends with me since they were infants, but I found in all of them at around age 3 - 4 they were "afraid" at night and sometimes just didn't want to come because they wanted to be with mommy at home. i think it's a stage.

This happened to my son too, however he was much older, in middle school. Turns out the allergy/asthma medication he had taken for four years was giving him major anxiety. I would immediately check out any and all medication she is taking, even if she doesn't take it every day. If she is on any medication she could be having a reaction to it. When this happened to us no one thought it was this medication, but over time it has come out that this type of medication does in fact cause anxiety in people. On the other hand she is only four, this might be common for this age. I would call her doctor and talk to him or her about this.

This is not uncommon. Often, when this does begin to happen, parents get worried and might let their child stay home with them, thinking their child is just having an off day. Then, the child does it more and more. This is nothing they plan to do, but after having a parent keep them home a time or two, it's almost like a confirmation that their resistance to separate from their parent is well founded.

My little sister went through this in elementary school. She would always get upset when I would drop her off and at the end of the day she was always fine. She finally told me that there were a few kids teasing her because of her name, Monica. It was around the time of a certain presidential scandal and the kids started calling her Monica Lewinsky. When she finally got up the nerve to talk to me about it, we role-played ways she could shrug it off as if the other kids were silly and boring. That totally worked.

You may have asked your daughter what is making her want to stay with you. If there doesn't seem to be a reason like a classmate that teases her or that she is suddenly worried about her too curly, too straight, too long or too short hair(or something that seems completely strange to an adult), then it may work for you to try a fun positive reinforcement tool:

It may help to start doing a "pick-up surprise"--nothing big and it would only be for when you're picking her up. You can hide a special surprise--stickers, temporary tatoo, pretty hair clips, cool plastic bugs--whatever small thing(preferably non-food) she likes that you can easily find in bulk at the drug store or dollar store. Next time she is having a rough time at drop-off, just tell her, confidently and in a relaxed way, "Guess what...When I pick you up, I'm going to have a little surprise for you!" Any resistance to that(or even, "No, I don't want a surprise! I want to stay with you, Mommy.") should be met with a short, loving, confident reiteration. Then, when she comes back you can leave a surprise on the seat or even make a game of having her find it in your car. That should help relieve the issue within about 2 weeks, if there is not a separate reason for her reluctance to go to activities, like there was in my sister's case.

Good luck! :)

I think this is completely normal...a phase but have you discussed with her what if anything is bothering her? Has your routine changed at all? Anything traumatic happen? Did she watch a program on TV that scared her? Your or DH travel? If it continues or gets worse consult her pediatrician..they often have child psychologists in their practice that may help if there is something underlying but that should be the last resort.

I think it is a phase. My daughter is 4.5 and just started doing this too. She has been going to dance class once a week since she was two and suddenly started complaining. I thought maybe something had happened there until she started not wanting to go to preschool either.
I had to switch one of her preschool days so that all of her "regular" class was there as she didn't like that her pre K class was different one day of the week (it's 3 hours per day 3 days a week + 1 enrichment day).
Your 4 year old: wild and wonderful is a great book that you can check out of the library and helps to explain the behavior spiral well. Yes it is old but the behavior info is helpful.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0440506751/

My daughterwho turned 4 at the end of September has been doing the same thing. It is of an axious nature. Previously she was very physically outgoing and socially about normal. Now she cries if I go downstairs to the laundry, or sometimes go just 2 rooms away. She is also recognizing that not everything has happy endings, and that the world has some danger in it at a more mature level. My guess is that this is a normal developmental stage. She appreciates it if I tell her everything that I am doing and where I am going even if I think she could surely see and hear me. Then she can track me better. She doesn't always follow me, she just wants to know where I am if she needs me. She has not been crying when I drop her off at her preschool but there is a new deeper more sentimental level of kisses, hugs and "I love you's". She seems to want her "mommy time" as if she knows next year when she goes to kindergarten there will be a shift.
I like the spiral model of development. They go round and round with some of the same issues but reach to higher levels of complexity. That is how I am seeing my 4 year old's round of attachment to "mommy". P.S. She is also newly having trouble reconciling being close to daddy if she has been close to mommy all day and vice versa. She will often tell the parent who has just come home from work and greets her to "go away" I just want "Daddy" or "Mommy" as the case may be.. She does love it when we are all together as a family though and is enamored with our wedding pictures.

I am an older parent and have seen my friends kids go through similar things. Most are really great young adults now.

D.

Wow, you just described my son to a "T"! He turned 4 during Christmas break and suddenly refused to go to dance class saying it was "boring" and refused to go to the daycare at gym. He has always been extremely independent. He still plays with friends and is very social, just doesn't want to be separated from me. He doesn't go to school yet so thank goodness I don't have to deal with that! I'm hoping it's a temporary thing. He's the youngest of four kids and the first one I've gone through this with (other than my daughter who was like that from the day she was born, she actually did the opposite at that age, finally agreeing to dance class etc!) Ugh! Frustrating isn't it?

Hi,

It's hard to pin point the problem without more information but here are my thoughts for what it's worth.

She is missing you. And she may have more activities than she needs right now. All of them are fun, but she may be trying to tell you she needs more time with you. Do an experiment. Cut out one or more of the activities. If she seems willing and happy to do the ones left, then maybe it was just wanting to spend more time with you. Also, if there is some additional stress in the home due to a problem, she may be picking up on that.

I would be happy to have a free consultation with you if you would like some more pointers.

Take care,
J. Clark, MA Parent Educator
Instructor of Love and Logic
Instructor at Stanford Health Improvement Program
www.janadaclark.com
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This is actually quite common and it is mommy separation anxiety - although I don't even like using the word anxiety on this subjecct as it is so normal. I had gone to a half-year of kindergarten when we moved to a new district, and I told my mom that I didn't want to go back to school. She allowed me to stay home, and she wasn't a pushover, nor am I. The passing of time has bore out the fact that children are going to school way too early for their best emotional development. There are a number of child psychologist who think it is best for them to wait until they are seven before going off to school. One of the best of these is Dr. James Dobson of Focus On The Family (family.org) and you can get information from them at 1-800-a-family. Also, Kevin Lehman is an excellent source on this. He has appeared on the morning news/talk shows for years now, and both of them have many books on the subject of children. Hope it helps. K.