Socially Inappropriate in Pre-k?

Nope. Its the age. My 4y does this all the time. I tell her the same thing. Someone is talking to you. You must answer them. Then if you want alone time just tell them that.

M.

I don't disagree with you. It is amazing how quickly a parent can see what someone else's child is doing but not their own. At the same time, I do think it is ok to say "I don't feel like talking, playing, whatever right now". I'm not saying it is ok to ignore each other but it is ok to have some "me" time even at a young age.

Actually, it is not rude for a 3 or 4 year old to ignore a person. It is NORMAL! They are developing their own personalities, individuality, likes and dislikes. How would you like being told that you HAVE to talk to someone you do not want to talk to? You wouldn't. So why expect a child to do this?

Especially at this age, it is perfectly normal. I tell my kids that it is rude to ignore someone when they are talking to you, and if you do not want to talk to them--you NICELY tell them that you do not want to talk right now.

When FORCING a child to do something, think if you would want to be forced to do it...how would it make you feel? If you would not like it, neither will your child. And unless it's something dire important, if you respect your child enough to let them be themselves and not force them to (talk, eat, give kisses, give hugs, etc.) you will find you have a child that respects YOU, listens more intently, and respects others as they grow up. They are people too and have feelings and individual wants/needs. Respecting the fact they do not want to do something at that moment that is not that important to do--will only bring a child who respects you, as well--and does not grow to resent you--and feels they can come to you when they really need someone!

And to be honest, if you feel that something as minor as your friend not FORCING her child to talk when she does not want to is going to endanger your relationship, you need to find new friends--but are in for a RUDE wake up call of reality and how others raise children. Your daughter was rude for saying what she said--age appropriate, but still rude. Did you correct her?

You really have to let this go. The girls are only 3 and 4 and their brains aren't formed yet. Neither one will be harmed by what the other does; but your and the other mom's relationship WILL be harmed if you keep fussing over this trivial stuff.

If you are in the room with them, just say Sally, Tiffany is asking you a question, it isn't polite to ignore her. If you want alone time, you should go into your room.

I think that this is normal, BUT it is also a good teaching time.

Totally age appropriate. Three year olds do not have firmly developed social skills. Leave it to her mom to teach her and just redirect your daughter with something else. Don't let it effect your friendship.

3 and 4 are young to have all the social skills down. Sometimes when a kid hears "do this" it triggers the "I won't" response. - think of reverse psychology.

You can give your DD your full attention so she's not interested in the other girl for a bit till that passes.

You can tell your DD to just wait a minute and her friend will be ready to play again.

You can tell your DD that her friend is in a bad mood and we should find something else to do. (we do that with neighborhood kids. Everyone has a bad day/ bad time here and there. Instead of trying to change them, we move on until they come around.)

You can give your daughter ideas on how to be playful to get the other one's attention, maybe a dance or a funny face, or just playing with something else that the other girl will want to do.

If you think of this in a broader sense, your daughter has a conflict of interest. You can teach her to be upset. This shuts things down. Or you can teach her how to work through it, to think about things from the other person's perspective and to be creative in finding a way to get something she wants.

Regardless, I wouldn't put too much stock in a 3 yr olds moods. They change in an instant as her attention span goes to something else.

I haven't read the response but I would like to mention that this other mother handled the situation correctly with her 3 yo daughter. This behavior is normal and honestly the mother is correct in telling her daughter to tell yours "I don't wish to right now" that is perfectly socially acceptable. I will say this your daughter was rude when she said ..."you don't want to look because you can't do it"...the other mom was right it is NOT nice. Your job is to teach your child to not be pushy to others in social situations and to this 3yo your child was being pushy. You need to explain to your child that maybe twice or three at the very most you try to speak to someone and if they do not respond, move on to something else and let it go.
Sorry if I am hurting your feelings but this is how I see it.
I honestly think that you have different parenting/social expectations than this mother and if bothers you this much, you may need to rethink the vacations and contact.

E.,
I believe that yes it is rude to ignore someone when they are talking to you, however they are very young still and do not know proper social etiquette yet. It is up to the parents to teach such a thing and if yourself and your friend differ on how to do so you will either have to agree to disagree or not spend time together anymore. If you would prefer to maintain a good relationship, perhaps you could consider explaining to your daughter that her friend just doesn't want to talk right now and maybe she can try talking to her later. Part of the lesson for your daughter in this whole situation would be that people do not always act in a manner in which we feel is acceptable. It happens all the time in the adult world as well and is something everyone has to learn at one time or another. Everyone has different standards. Hope this helps!

K. :)

I allow my child to chose if and when she wants to play with others. At 3 we are still working on using the correct words of course, but I am trying to teach her that it's ok to politely say "No, I don't want to play with you right now. Maybe we can play later."
It doesn't sound that these kids chose to spend time together, but do so because the adults decide to vacation together... I think it's fine one person decides they want some "alone" time...just as long as she is working on communicating it in a polite way.
Good luck!

I have a son with alot of social issues. He does not know how to respond appropriately in some situations so, therefore, I must teach him how to respond. Many times my son will react poorly by screaming at the person or persons involved in the situation. I have told him when he is in these situations, just respond by saying "no thank you, I don't want to talk right now.". This may sound rude that he says "I don't want to talk to you or talk right now" but it sure beats the alternative of him screaming at other people.

My advice is to let it go. I'm sure your daughter is entirely over it already. You will run into many, many situations like this throughout the course of raising her and you can't let it bring you down! Good luck!

Agree they are young. If one redirect doesn't work...Let it go. Do not sacrifice a friendship the girls are likely to "grow into". Besides, I have found that most spats at this age are reversed 5 minutes later....Only to be repeated over and over again. Playing one minute, whining the next.

Another thought, children this age really are just learning how to play together vs parallel play or mimicing play. Let them play until it seems patience is wearing thin and then tell your daughter it is time for a book, a game, a snack..Whatever. Just interrupt them so their patience quota has a chance to refill.

*Update* Wow your "so what happened" is a little harsh. You're the one that was asking for "someone else's viewpoint on this" You received different view points and then reply by arguing with them??? You're talking about a 3 yr old who "should stay in her room until she can face the world". Maybe we should all hide away until we agree with your viewpoint??

Ok, I kinda see both sides. You're right, it is absolutly bad manners to ignore someone and I do believe that a 3yr old is old enough to learn proper social behavior. However, we all have different personalities and some of us need our alone time especially when thrown together for days on a joint family vacation. Perhaps the child needed some alone time and didn't know how to express this. I think the mom could've handled it better though. Was the child talking to other people? I don't think it's ok to exclude one person from play, but to chose to play alone is sometimes ok.

I think since you are on vacation together, the kids probably spend a lot of time together. I could imagine that your daughter's friend needs some space once in a while and cannot be engaged and social all her waking hours. I think that this is perfectly acceptable and that you should give her some space if she doesn't want to talk or be socially engaged.

If you've known this other mother for years and years,
can you -- or can't you -- say something like . . . .
"I feel uncomfortable when your daughter ignores my daughter.
Can we discuss this topic, not just in the immediate situation,
but in the larger picture . . . . what our expectations are
of our daughters' behavior, etc."
Perhaps some new understanding can happen between you . . . .
in particular, both being "on the same page"
regarding guiding the girls.

S.

Maybe the 2 girls just don't click... or, the younger one is simply not as mature or socially developed... as your 1 year older daughter.
There is a big difference between a 3 year old and a 4 year old...

Do you have to vacation with them every other summer??? What if you wanted to do something different just with your family?

I would not necessarily expect kids to get along or bond. Some kids just don't. Like adults.

You cannot expect kids to interact nor get along.
If a child does not want to interact, then they do have the right to say so. I teach my kids that.... I teach my kids to express their boundaries.... with adults AND other children. It is not 'rude'... it is simply saying something that they do or do not want to be doing that makes them uncomfortable. My kids are polite and know manners... but they ALSO know 'how' to say things that they do not feel comfortable doing... with others.

Or maybe that child has just different developmental stages, unlike your daughter.

all the best,
Susan

I sympathize with you. I wonder if the solution is just to not spend such extended amounts of time together with your entire families. Maybe a few playdates, moms nights out, or an adults weekend away, instead of whole family vacations. You said this girl is not nice to yours in the company of an additional child. Boy, have I seen this in the preschool years, school age, and tween years. It can get ugly and hurtful. I wouldn't keep putting my daughter in that situation if it has become a regular pattern. I have excused myself and my daughter from playdates when the friend was behaving horribly and the Mom did nothing, just to show the child (and Mom) that we won't stay and put up with being treated badly. Groups of multiple girls are always hard. For some kids, more so than others. It's one thing if this little girl is just taking a break from playing with your daughter to have some quiet time (which is perfectly OK to do politely and understandable if you are on vacation together) and quite another if she is intentionally snubbing her. I don't think your daughter responded the right way, but I do understand her frustration over being ignored. And I do think your friend should have said something like, "Suzi, Jane is talking to you, please be a good friend and listen to what she wants to tell you" BEFORE your daughter got upset and made her comment. And since you were present, she was out of line in correcting your daughter. She should have given you have a chance to react to your own daughter's comment.

I am up with you to a point. Her daughter was rude. But if she says I don't feel like talking, tha tis her right. This was a vacation and you guys are stuck with each other. Her daughter shoudl have to entertain your daughter.

Now if this was playdate, I would have told my daughter if you don't feel like talking with your friend, we should leave and play another time. But that is very different than sticking two kids togeher for days and expecting them to always be "on." If she wants to sit quietly, then she should.

I agree it is rude and children need to be taught manners BUT a three year is barely out of the "parallel play" stage of their development. Every child isn't the same and doesn't meet the same milestones on the same timeline.

My very well-mannered three year old isn't particularly social...especially if she's decided that she doesn't like someone or something. I don't think kids should be taught to do something just because its "nice"--only to excuse themselves as gracefully as possible. A three year old isn't old enough to clearly understand "doing the right thing" because it is the "nice thing to do".

I agree with what the mother said to her daughter (though I don't think she should have corrected your daughter when you're sitting right there)...look at it this way...when a child would get in my daughter's face she would throw a toy at them or bite them. I've taught her to walk away or say please move away, you're too close (she's even said it to me). She has a right to her own boundaries and other small children don't understand a long explanation. It sounds to me like your little one was being a little too assertive and you've projected your own expectations on someone else.

As an adult, I have to do A LOT of things that I don't like just to "play nice" or avoid the appearance of being rude or antisocial. I can hardly stand it some days, I know how my daughter feels. Besides, anyone who said two was bad clearly never had a three year old...lol.

I think that is so wrong and obviously the other mother is not bringing her up right or she is just anti- social and needs to see a counselor because when my son was that age he talked to EVERYONE. She should be corrected by the mother. I think your friend is going to have MAJOR issues with her daughter when shes in her teens.

I would hope this is a close enough friend, since you go on vaca's together, that you could talk to her. I would ask her how does she think her child would feel if your child were to ignore her. Which by the way, this is a totally normal thing kids go through and many parents do nothing about it. We found it to be totally rude and when we noticed our kids doing it we would nicely say to them, "please answer them, it is rude to ignore someone." It really didn't take long for them to get it because we totally wouldn't allow it. Now they are 9 yo's (twins) so whenever kids do this to them now, they totally hate it and don't understand why someone would do that because it's rude. Not saying my kids are perfect about this, but with all the kids we have around our house I rarely see them to do and to this day if I do, I correct them.

they both have years before they become 'social animals.' i understand you were trying to help your daughter but maybe you should have left that as a learning experience for her. not everybody is going to do what she tells them to do. also the 3 year old is less mature than a 4 year old. i think you're putting too much pressure on a 3 year old and her mom.
i think i would have been bothered if a child kept asking my child to 'entertain' or 'respond' or 'pay attention' when my child is just trying to have fun even if that means playing by herself.
so, to me, bottom line, her mom was correct and i think you should relax and not try to fix everything for everyone :)