Son Being Defiant

I don't have a lot of advice for you, but I want to let you know I'm in the same boat. My daughter will be 3 at the beginning of Jan, and I have a 1 yr old daughter as well. I think it has something to do with the little one. I find if I can find some time to give to my older one while the baby is sleeping or playing quietly, the older one doesn't always behave better, but at least I remember why I love her! Time outs don't work for me either because she knows that when I'm working with the baby, she has a lot more leeway.

He's getting worse because he's getting away with it. Get down on his level, look him in the eye and tell him exactly what you want from him. If this does not happen, give him one warning, if he continues the undesired behavior or does not do as you have asked, but him in a time out spot, the same spot every time. He can sit there for 3 minutes. If he gets up, put him right back. Don't talk to him, just put him back. His time starts over. It may take a few times, but he will know that you mean business. After his 3 minutes are up, go over and get down on his level again and tell him why he was in time out. Ask him to appologize, then give him a hug. It's the Supernanny method, but it works! The key is to be consistant and to always make sure you are very clear about your expectations of him. If he's unsure of what the rules are, or the rules change, then it will confuse him. Also, he will do what works for him. If he can get away with something because you aren't consistant with your discipline, he will and it will continue to get worse. Watch an episode of Supernanny and give the method a try. It really does work!

A..
I heard this for years and am going to pass it along to you- because I can. If you don't get control of it now- it will come back to bite you- you know where. lol I just finished the common sense parenting class at boystown. My son is 6 and still does the same thing- only now he adds" I can't because I am too tired" I learned that we need to teach our children how to do what it is we want them to do(Not sure why we never needed to be taught as kids-but hey)Get to your child's eye level. Calmly say- what I need you to do is...... Rather than to say pick up your room, be more specific and say, I need you to put all your toys in the toy box- when you are done with that come and get me and then you can give him the next instruction- put your shoes in the closet. And state to him " When you pick up your room when I ask you to, you are more likely to have play time or a story read or whatever you want to reward him with-
Consistency is the key I am told- I am still struggling with it myself- but I do see a difference in my sons behavior when I am consistent with my actions.

Terrible twos is a misnomer. It's the terrible threes. I am going through this with my son, too. We have to let them know what is unacceptable and when they do it, give them a consistent punishment. In my opinion, a naughty chair is fine. When he gets up, put him back in it. It might take 25 tries, but he'll get it. And don't worry. This phase does not last forever. It gradually gets better and then you have a wonderful 6, 7, 8 . . year old!

Tough guns time mom!!!!!! Ask him once. The second time, say do "this" or you will get a timeout. Put him in timeout, actually caring him their if you have to. Hold him in timeout if you have to. Does he have a favorite toy? Tell him to stay in timeout or you will take his toy. I tell my kids that if they can't pick up their own toys, then I will pick them up in a trash bag. Now all this sounds kinda harsh and is a last resort action for a stubborn child. First try to head off the "I can't" by making things more fun, like a race to pick up toys. Tell him you lost the pajamas and ask him if he can find them, etc. Tell him he can't have a story until he gets his pj's and if he takes too long there won't be enough time to read. Or, if he doesn't pick up his toys quickly, then you won't have time to play a game, etc. Also, emphasize the big boy that he is compared to the 8mo old, because that might be causing the "I can't" too. My daughter is close to 3 1/2 yrs old and we are just coming out of the "I can't" and "no" phase!!! I think this is the age of learning consequenses!!!!!

You do not have to bully your child to get him to mind you despite what some people may think. Time outs didn't work for us at all and I find that mine is going through this stage as well with the I can't. When he says I can't, I say well let mommy help you then and we pick up the toys together. I tell him which ones to pick up and where to put them. Lots of hugs and praise will get you miles. I have people all the time comment on how well behaved Evan is and I believe it is due to the patience and the Love and Logic classes that I took and gave me the tools for dealing with him. www.loveandlogic.com
They have an early childhood class and usually have them free for parents in your area, call your resd and see what they have available.
Good luck!
C.

I am going through the same thing with my 7 year old daughter. I am a single divorced mom and would like to know that answer also.

I found that with my son he really has no concept of 3 strikes and you are out...honestly he wasn't very good a counting at that age. So what is happening is in their 3 year old heads, they know that they can get away with it most of the time since 3 out of 4 times there are not any consequence. This was a tough lesson for me to learn but children this small just are not capable of understanding the 3 strikes and you are out thing. They do understand do it again and here is your punishment...BUT only if you actually follow through on a regular basis. Be prepared for some serious meltdowns the first few times though.

I also found that putting my son in time out was not all that effective. Putting his favorite toy in timeout works great for us. Our rule is toy goes in time out for 5 minutes. If he throws a full blown melt down, I tell him he has 2 minutes to "pull himself together" or stop crying otherwise his toy goes into the garbage. I had to throw 2 toys away but he calms down real quick now.

Seems harsh but he is a very smart and strong willed child and we have a much happier relationship with the strict rules.

I agree with Tina. When you put him in timeout and he gets up, you have to keep putting him back on the spot until he doesn't get up anymore and then his 3 minutes will start. Don't talk him, just put him back and walk away. If you've ever watched SuperNanny, that's what she has the parents do and that's what I do with my children.

The Love and Logic parenting class or materials will help you with all of your kids. It helps parents teach kids to be respectful, responsible and fun to be around. They will learn real life consequences.

That age is more about them controlling their boundaries. That being said I ask my kids to help do something, and they hop right to it. If it's time to pick up toys, I get there with them and pull a tub out and ask them to help me fill with all the blocks say. and so on until the toys are up.

Because of that they feel they have some control over their destiny and it has made me slow down a bit, but that's okay.