I have a 3-year-old son who absolutely refuses to say please! He demands things a lot of the time, or at least says he wants/needs something but doesn't say please. I try asking him "what's the magic word?" or "what do you say?" or even "there's a better way to ask for things." but he doesn't take the bait. It usually turns into a HUGE ordeal with him crying and most likely going into a tantrum. We do not give him what he wants until he says please, and once he says "please" we act quickly and give him kudos for a job well done. However, I would estimate that 90% of the time he never gets to the point where he says please. He just goes without. I have tried rationalizing with him and also tried being stern with him but he just will not do it. Actually, a lot of the time he ends up yelling "NO please, NO please"...so obviously the language skills are there!
Last night his demands for yogurt caused a terrible ruckus. After much in the area of tantrums he eventually got his own yogurt out of the fridge, a spoon out of the drawer, and opened his yogurt by himself. This took about 25 minutes of chaos to accomplish though. He never said "please" but we did not give in to his demands either. While this worked out eventually, I am trying to avoid the entire meltdown that always happens with the word "please."
I realize this is just a control thing but I'm out of ideas of how to get my point across. He will say please for other people, no problem, and sometimes he simply says please without my prompting. He says "thank you", "you're welcome", and "excuse me" freely so I don't think this has to do with plain old bad manners.
Any ideas of how to get my point across? PLEASE help me!! Lol.
Thanks everyone. I think I will drop the "please" issue with my son, for now. I love the idea (from Marda) of leaving it in his hands as to when he would like to be a big boy and say please. Just for the record, we always act nonchalant when we ask him to say please, just telling him it's okay not to say please if he doesn't want something...etc...so his refusal to be nice isn't necessarily that he gets lots of attention from it or that he gets us all worked up; also we say "please", "thank you", and "excuse me" ad nauseum around here, and we frequently play the game where Daddy asks Mommy for something "please" and we make the interaction gaggy-sweet so that Keaton might get the idea. So far it is only funny for our son but one day I am confident that I will have a little guy with manners!
P.,
If it were me, I'd just drop it for a while. You've turned it into a power struggle and you are finding that, at the end of the day, your son is his own person and short of beating him senseless, you really can't force him to do anything. I think you really just need to take the power out of it and drop it temporarily. Also, are your modeling the behavior you want from him? Do you say please?
T.
You're right P.. This is a control issue. You and your son have gotten into a power struggle. In a power struggle the kid always wins. So I'd suggest that you back off and completely ignore whether or not he says please. Ignoring unwanted behaviour is one way of getting rid of that behaviour. I learned that in a parenting class and it has worked for me.
You might feel that you're giving in but you're not. You are just recognizing that what you are doing isn't working. You might try telling him something to the affect that saying please is an important word but you see that he doesn't want to say please and so you'll leave it up to him when he wants to be a big boy and say please.
By doing that you've gracefully backed out of what you're doing and given him an incentive to say it on his own. If you don't care if he says please than it won't be important for him not to say it. And he wants to be a big boy so he'll say it. He'll no doubt test you, maybe for several days but if you can just hang in there and show a neutral face he'll say please.
At 3 he won't always remember to say it, just as adults don't always remember to say it. If you don't make a big deal of it he'll get more consistent in using it.
He is testing how much power he has and when you respond he feels more powerful. By ignoring it the word is no longer a way to feel powerful.
That was a difficult concept for me to learn. In fact I only recently learned to ignore my adult daughter's angry remarks and we are getting along much better. Yes, her remarks were disrespectful but she was getting something out of my telling her to stop. When I stopped the responding it stopped her reward, whatever it was.
Good luck to you. Toddler's test boundaries and get us into power struggles before we even realize it. They do it all over again in the teen years. I wish I'd known what I know now then.
My son shortly after 3 stopped saying please too. I read a book called "your 3 year old friend or enemy" and basicly 3 year olds are not rational and if that is the only thing giving you problems just stop having him say please. Act like you don't care, he wont be 3 one day and will say please again. Maybe just focus on the thankyou. Just don't give him the chance to throw a fit, he'll get over it when you don't care anymore. I had to do that with potty training too, I put the potty away and made him wear diapers and a week later no more diapers or accidents. I guess I say let him win, he may not want this victory as badly as he thinks he does. Just make sure everyone else in the house is saying please or EVERYTHING possible and he'll pick it up.
here are two things that we did that seemed to work
1 if she asked for something we simply said "say please"
2if that didn't work we would set examples like: daddy says "mommy may I please watch Jojo" I say "yes you may" we would of course dramatize it for her but she started say mommy please a Jojo. and then we would put the movie on
just don't get mad at him.
ahhh and that's why they call them the terrible 3's !! lol. Just like Madra, the other mother that responded, it seems to be a power stuggle and I have been through this many times before. Kids seem to learn the best by example. Start using Please and Thank you more often then you normally would, I mean an excessive amount at home, so he gets the basic understanding of it being a courtsey. Don't worry the terrible 3's only last a year,lol .. no really it shouldn't take that long.
I would back off a little as well, but you need to make sure you are setting a good example. I would make sure you say please and thank you to your child, husband, and others. (not that your not doing that alredy). He will eventually get the picture.
I wish you luck!
Hi P.,
I think you're doing the right thing. Wait until he says Please then give him what he's asking for. Don't give in, don't give up. It will take awhile. We had the same issue with our son, who turns 3 in a couple weeks. We just made him say it every single time before he got what he wanted. Now when he asks for something and we prompt him he'll say please. You're SO right when you say it's a control issue. It really is!! Good luck to you!!
D. K
MY saying is terrible 2 and horrible 3. I think he is just standing the grounds of a typical 3 year old. I myself have a three year old daughter and can understand. I try to play along and if she wants something I tell her to say please. I ususally try to turn it into a game of I'm gonna tickle you until you say it!! They are laughing so hard and wanting you to stop that they say please, please stop. So then when you stop and they demand something you turn it around on them and make them say please in return. I try to show them that I will stop tickling you when you say please stop and also reward you when you ask for something in a nice manner. I also try to have them ask when they say give. I'm no expert and with 3 children there are many different ways. I wish I had this sort of circle to help me through my firsts. I hope this helps you out some. Like I said, I understand.
Take Care,
G.
