Special Needs Son Getting Picked On...

It would be good if you and the Mother could work things out, but myself, and I am the parent of a special needs child, I would tell the child myself if he is going to act like that then he can not play with my child.

JMO

D.

Please protect your child. Home school, private school what ever you have to do, maybe go to the principle if the vp isnt helping, or the school board. Your son does not deserve to be submitted to this. what happened to expelling kids when they made threats? Surely with what just happened in WI, the administrators would be on edge. Good luck.

Hi! That woman sounds like my mother,watching other people's kid's when she can't take care of her own. My heart aches for your boy and I encourage you to keep protecting him. In this day and age, this is something that can blow up into something deadly. He threatened your child? I think the police, the staff at the school,child protective services and all those who love kids should be involved.I don't agree with the other mother and I think she is lacking in nurturing if her 2 years old is in the middle of the street! That is negligance. I don't believe bullying is ever acceptable, from kids or adults. Victims become victimizers and the cycle continues because not enough moms are (too involved) in their child's life. Your son is 10 and has special needs and it is completely within your right to protect him physically and emotianally. Her son sounds really lost and I think he is surely acting out but it shouldn't be at the expense of your child. I suggest praying for her family. Always be the bigger person but never let anyone threaten the health of your kids, ever. God bless you S.! You sound like a wonderful mom!

i agree with most of the responses you have received or at least parts of them. i agree that you probably should not have given your son quite so much information as far as the bullies father being an alcoholic. and if i were you i would probably let the other mother know somehow that it was not your intention to be insulting you were just giving your son reasons why people act a certain way sometimes.if she acts completely ridiculous about it you will know you at least tried.
i do not know if you want to do the homeschooling route or not, but before yout take that step i would consider exploring alternatives through his current school or see about having him moved to a different school. if your son has problems fitting in now, depriving him of the growth experience gained from interaction with peers is probably only going to make the problem worse for him in the long run. for the short term i would recommend asking his teachers to keep an eye on them, and to ensure they aren't seated close to one another, and don't let the other child come visit your home and don't let your son play with him any more than absolutely necessary. by diminishing their contact with one another you can avoid some of the problems. the only other thing i can think of to do would be to find some ego boosting activities for your child to do outside of school and away from the bully so that he doesn't feel as demeaned by this other childs obviously bad behavior.

S.

I am so very sorry that you and your son are going through this. As a mother of 2 boys I would do anything to protect my kids against those bullys at school. Yes kids can be kids as you said the other boys mother said. But if our kids are the ones bullying others then it is our responsibility as a parent to stop our child from being cruel and mean to other kids. You better believe I would discipline my child for teasing others or bullying others. That lady needs to take responsibility for her own child. Especially if her child is threatening yours. From your other advices I agree that I would take his threats seriously. These kids nowadays are just getting too out of hand and some parents are just letting this happen they have too many excuses for their childrens behaviors. I know kids are not perfect and they will have their disagreements but teasing to be cruel, stealing and threatening are not normal kid behaviors.

Parents need to teach their kids about differences in others and they need to be taught to respect others differences.

I would consider homeschooling or as the other advice suggested changing schools just to protect your son. Because going through the school system seems like a waist of time. Nobody nowadays does anything about situations until something serious happens. That is the scary and unfortunate truth.

Good luck and protect your little one he deserves respect and a peaceful childhood just like everyother child.

Julie

S.,

This is always a tough situation, one that no mother likes to deal with but most do to some degree at least once. Parts of this situation you have more control over than others. Focus on where you have control. We had a lot of trouble with a neighbor kid and we finally had to set a rule that he could only interact with my children in our front yard if I was out there to supervise and he wasn't allowed in the house at all. (We had to lock doors for a while because he would come over regardless of whether we were home.) I was worried that my kids would be imprisoned in our home by setting this rule, but it wasn't the case. It worked.

You may not get cooperation from his mother, but you should get it from the school. Ask that your son have a seat a distance from this boy in class. Keeping them separated will solve some problems.

There is a natural tendency for mothers (because we have an instinct to protect) to guard our own children and demonize the bully and his family in these situations. Even if your son has done nothing to provoke the boy and it is totally one sided, don't talk badly about this boy and his parents. As much as I have wanted to talk badly about our neighbor, I bite my tongue because I know that I will only hurt myself, my children and how they view me if I do.

One important characteristic of growing up is learning to ignore what people say and not take it personally. There are great lessons to be learned in difficult times. That being said, if your son is getting physically injured or receiving threats on his life, it needs to be handled. You mentioned that he does pretty well with the other kids in school. Try to think of a boy he knows (or a few) who could just be with him in the halls, at lunch, etc. Bullies are less likely to take on a group, they usually single out someone who is alone.

I would leave homeschooling or switching schools as an absolute last resort. There are good reasons to homeschool, but I don't believe running away is one of them. And every school has these kids. If you switch schools, it would be because you can get no cooperation from the staff, not to get away from the boy.

Best of luck,
S.

Sounds like your son needs to start avoiding the neighbor. Meaning, be civil and all, but don't get close enough to pinch and definitely no more "play" dates! We used to have wild neighbors too (before we moved here)--another neighbor of ours referred to them as the "heathens down the street". :) If it were me, I'd leave the "heathens" to their own devices. Sounds like you've seen enough to know that their values are nowhere near yours, so instead of worrying about their problems, just let 'em be. (As long as they don't pinch your son anymore! That would totally send me into mother-bear mode too.)

you need to send a CMRRR (certified mail, return receipt requested) to the school principal immediately if not yesterday. This is bullying. As far as I know ALL districts have a no tolerance policy. Detail in your letter as many incidents of bullying you can think of. You can email it so they get it right away and even cc the mom if you want to but it is important that they recieve a copy in writing for your son's file. You can send a formal request in your letter that requests the school respond immediately to these threats against your son. You also need to send a CMRRR to the mother asking her to ask her son to stop these behaviors. Make sure you keep a copy of all correspondence. With each incidence in the future I would do a CMRRR to both the parent and the principal. If they are returned to you unaccepted by the parent DO NOT OPEN THEM. This is your proof that you attempted proper notification. Any cards you get with signatures be sure to keep them as well and attached them to the copy of the sent letter. You must keep good documentation. Bullying is not a behavior that is easily stopped but here is a postive website that might help you and your son.
http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/index.asp?area=main

you must stand your ground and make the school deal with this child. No matter what his IQ, handicap or situation at home he is still responsible for what he says. In fact, the statement regarding the gun is actually considered a terroristic threat and can result in complete expulsion of the threat maker in some districts. Maybe forcing the school to do something will make mom deal with him. You can also press charges related to the threats if the school does not back you up. They can't equate your son's statements regarding this boys home life with saying he would shoot him if he had a gun.

If the school does not do anything, you can always threaten to go to the tv stations, that should be enough to get you started.

Your son will benefit from watching you stand up for his rights. It will help him learn to do this for himself.
Keep us posted,
C.

http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/index.asp?area=main

wow you are dealing with a lot. One thing I do disagree with is you telling for son that this boy's father is a alcoholic, I think thats too much information and your son to know. He could use this to make fun of this boy and make the other child act out in rage, and you dont want that, since he's already out of control.
Now this boy threating to shoot your son is outrageous and you need to take this VERY serious. Kids are totally out of control these days and sounds like this boy has some serious issues that his mother is ignoring so you need to protect your child. You might need to talk with the school board as well, with so many school shootings I cant beleive they not doing more.
Homeschooling or changing schools may be better for your child.

Good Luck

Hi S.!

I am writing you, because I absolutely feel your pain of people denying the responsibility of their childrens' behavior and blaming others when it is pointed out. I am going to try and refrain from my own "gripes" and see if I can offer some input on how to deal with these explosives.

Well, first of all, it seems like the other of the boy is extremely overly sensitive and defensive and blames herself for him being out of control 100% of the time. This is not the case. She is not responsible for his behavior 100% of the time, HOWEVER, she is responsible for him when he is in social environments and areas of life where he is expected to function "normally." What SHE needs to do is discuss the behavior with a doctor or behavioral therapist and find out how to counter act the outbursts with a positive response rather than denial. But, we know what she SHOULD do.

As hard as it sounds, kids are made for bumps and bruises- emotionally and physically. As parents we want to try and shelter them from problems and make life as easy as possible. It's only natural!! BUT, where we go wrong as parents is where we put the halo over our child's head and give him them the power to make fools of ourselves to protect them! There are times when we have to throw up our arms to unfair people and say "TRUCE!!!!" Even when we are the ones that are getting the brunt. With this mother living 3 doors down is going to turn into an emotional glaring contest..you know, the ones: Drive by their house glaring and singing songs at them about their lack of regard for mankind, etc. HA! A stress relief is may be, but it doesn't help, because it makes a focal point in your life that they DON'T DESERVE!!! My feelings about how to handle life "around the neighborhood": Do not allow the boy in your yard, in your house, or around your son, PERIOD. If he shows up like nothing happened, you simply say, "My son is not available to play with you anymore and you know why..please find another playmate." As far as school is concerned, if you are able to be completely boring to this boy and his mother, you will be able to take a great deal of focus off of yourself AND your son. Advise your son to simply "Go limp" emotionally around him. Meaning, do not rise to his threats, mean words, etc. Encourage your son to be "be the bigger person" and "be more mature, it's what sets you apart to overcome your hardships." Tell him if he can do it just ONE time when the boy is trying to pick a fight, that he will have the hang of it for a lifetime and it WILL BE rewarding to see the boy "limp away to find another victim." This boy is a true bully and to overcome a true bully, you must be boring and unresponsive.

As far as your interaction with the mother- try the same techniques!!!!!!! THANK GOD the boy doesn't have a gun, so don't worry about it! Sure, your son will come home with tears, but you can't remove them, so focus on giving him skills to help cope.

Hope this helps, it's the ONLY thing in my own life that I have found that really gives me peace about people like that.

M.

WELL S. I THINK THAT THIS CHILD AND MOTHER NEED SOME KIND OF COUNSELING OR SOME SORT OF HELP BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG THERE. SINCERELY L.

From what I understand you have done everything as a mom can do to help your son. I would not let that little boy over to your house anymore and if the school wont do anything about it take it over there heads go to the superintendents office ask them where or who can help you. No child needs to put up with that kind of problems in school whether they are special needs or not. And you are right to worry about the threat that he would shoot your son now a days you can not take that lightly. That little boys mother is really not doing her job.and maybe needs to be reported to children services if she is letting her 2 year old outside alone after dark.

yes, kids go back and forth about who they are and aren't friends with. But bullying? Do we all need to be reminded of what happened at Columbine? There is a clear example of what happens when kids are bullied to the breaking point.

If this mother won't take off her "rose colored glasses" and see her son really and the school administrators won't do something about it, then I too reccomend either moving your son to another school or homeschooling him. If you choose to do that, after he is moved, i would then write letters to the administrators at the school, the board and cc the kid's mother about it. I would make it clear that her son is the sole reason you are moving your son to another school and the collective refusal of everyone to get involved in the matter has forced you to take action and protect your son.

good luck, keep your chin up! You are an excellent mother for caring about your son! Parents now days need to learn to take their children's complaints about bullying more seriously.

This lady clearly knows her son has problems and she is just tired of dealing with it, she proved that by whining to you. I am enormously protective of my son, I don't even let him play in the front yard alone and I freaked out when a kid in the neighborhood came to ask if he could go to his house to play! If it were me, I would have probably gone off on the parent and the little boy, so kudos on your restraint. I agree with Margaret about calling CPS and such. Good Luck!

I am sorry to hear about your situation, and though my children have not been exposed to this kind of problem, I have a younger brother who has AD/HD and hyperactivity. It sounds to me like this mother is doing her children a misservice, especially by letting a 2 year old play in the street! Maybe it is time to call the authorities. There are many children with behavioral problems who live happy normal lives, and obviously she doesn't have the abilities to care for her children as they should be cared for. Even if nothing happens with the authorities, it may give her a wake up call. Also, if he steals from you or injures your son, call the police. He will learn that there are reprocussions for his actions.

I just joined this group and was browsing & read your story about your son being picked on. Out of my 4 kids 2 are special needs, my 2 yo is visually impaired (congenital nystagmus), and my 10 yo (soon 11) is now disabled due to loss of peripheral vision. He has congenital nystagmus, cone rod dystrophy, photophobia, and suffers from panic & anxiety attacks.

He was picked on at school and for 4 yrs he had the same bully. Every school year there was a new V.P. and I had to tell them my sons condition, the persons he would have problems with and basically my son was brushed off and labeled as a trouble maker. It was until this past summer that I finally saw the light and began to e-mail the superintendent to bring him up to date with everything, and I mean everything that the school had been doing wrong, especially with my son being a special needs child, his rights were being violated. Things are improving, slowly but surely. There have been presentations made to his class about his vision and the students have even used a simulator so they can have an idea of how my son see's. Even with that information, if my son bumps into them because he can't see them, they become aggressive and begin to fight with him.

I know that the needs our children have are not the same, but I feel your pain when "regular" kids try to find the easy way out by blaming our kids. If the school V.P. doesn't help you, go to the superintendant or contact T.E.A. and they will make sure the school is doing their job properly.

I'm not sure if you know but if necessary you can file a police report against any child (10 yrs & older) that assaults your son. If necessary, you can also press charges. I have filed a couple of police reports against the boys that try to bully and intimidate my son because of his disability. I informed the school to let the parents know that I wouldn't take that behavior against my son, and if they didn't leave him alone, I would follow through and press charges. It worked those boys have left my son alone. If they were to bully him again, I have the reports made on file.

I know this is a lot of information and I hope that things have gotten better with your son and the other boy. Let me know if any of this helps you. Good luck

S., since there was a threat on your son's life if he were my son, I would remove him from that school and either homeschool him or send him to a private school, if possible. These days threats and bullying of this degree, without much support from the school or the other parent, you cannot take it lightly and just think it will get better. I would not want my son to have to suffer another day.

Hi, first off I am so sorry to hear this. Seems like the other mother is what I call a welfare mom. She keeps popping them out to get her checks! Back to your son. My cousin who is special needs used to live with me. We were having a lot of similar problems with other children bullying him around. After many heated discussions with the other parents, teachers, and principal we decided to take it higher. My cousin was then transferred to another school. They had a bus from the new school come and directly pick him up in front of our house as to avoid any possible confrontations with the children from his previous school. It took alot of work with the school district but eventually it paid off. I hope that the other family straightens up but I know how much of a long shot that is. Good luck and God bless your family!
Mindy

Your case seems difficult. I wanted to reply for many reasons but most of all for your worroes about the "gun" remarks. I do not care if the child has down syndrome, PDD, or is perfectly normal a mention of treats to cause bodily injury are illegal in my state (Texas) and should taken very seriously any time they are used. When a child says something like that, they are usually telling the truth and statistics prove that more and more kids are using guns to injure each other. Think about what children see on TV, in comic strips, etc violence is part of our world in the USA and if you want to protect your child you should make it known to the school, neighbors, and police what has been happening to your son. Document the emails and every other step you have taken, including a summary of the VP words, and take it to the police station. Also a your child's doctor should know what is going on incase additional emotional support is needed. Special needs children can be annoying but that doesn't mean they need to removed from society (home schooled. Your job as a mother is to protect your child and you should act now. Also do not worry about what people might think of you, follow your heart because mother's know what's best for the children better than anybody.

Hi S.. I am also a mother of a child with special needs. I constantly worry about just this type of thing. My son is 7 and has Asperger's Syndrome. So far you have done the right things. But, if this mother will not listen to you, maybe the school can get involved by speaking with her. Or maybe setting up a meeting in a neutral place for you two to discuss it. It sounds as though she is not really receptive, though. You know as well as anyone what she is going through. There is always denial and feelings that you have failed somewhere when things go bad. It definitely has to stop and maybe getting the school to change his seating arrangements (so he's not sitting by the boy) and to have your son speak to a counselor and even suggest they counsel the other young boy as well.

I haven't run into this problem as yet, so these are just ideas of what I would probably do if facing the same situation. The mother will obviously not be of any help, so try to find ways of going around her to try to deal with the problem. The threats of violence, although probably not understood by the boy, are totally unacceptable. Even though he has special needs, he still needs to understand that you can not threaten people. Threats are serious and should not be taken lightly. Maybe shaking him up on this point will do some good? There are already problems that exist for him and with his parents divorcing and such, I am sure it has gotten very hard for him, but he needs help to work through it and to understand what is going on. Oh, well...that's my 2 cents worth. Hope it helped some.

S., MY FRIEND!
My son is also ADHD/Autistic (recently diagnosed with autism). S., I understand what you are going through although my son is just somewhat more severe but he gets picked on by his peers at school too. When I have confronted the teachers be it because my son has reacted to teasing or physical roughness I have been told how it is my son. Unfortunately, with people knowing what your sons diagnosis is they will always point the finger at your child.
I do have to say that maybe it wasn't right about teaching your son the reason the other boy was standoffish was because of his father. But the mother of this child is not helpful to the situation at all. With todays growing violence this is something that even though they are 10 and 11 I would have called the police. Forgive me for being so drastic but that is severe because then lets say there was a gun in the house he could have taken it as a way to threaten your son and perhaps use it. Thank God it hasn't escalated to that but threats like that I wouldn't have taken it to the mother because obviously she is no help at all. Hang in there like I said unfortunately our children are labeled and we must guide them like you have done so far. How do you feel about homeschooling your son? Maybe letting the school know about the problem they can keep and eye on him.

Shes raising 5 kids on her own, one of which has special needs? I say keep your distance and leave her alone. Sounds like she has enough on her plate. Keep your son away from hers.

1) print the email from the woman and take it to the principal at school, and the special ed department. advise them that this is a problem, and that this child's contact and interaction with your son at school is damaging your son, and they will resolve it. Advise them they transfer the other boy out of your son's classes, or find a solution and keep a monitor by him, that if the bullying continues, you will take whatever legal action is necessary to ensure your son is in a safe environment.
2) this is bullying, and it is damaging. It is damaging for a typically developing child, let alone one that is already dealing with other issues. DO NOT WAIT.
3) If you do not have a case manager, call Any Baby Can and get one. Take this same email, and explain your situation. If you don't have a lawyer, ask them if they can refer you to one that has experience in dealing with situations with children with special needs, and spend the bucks now to see what legal action you can take with this woman.
4) The next time you see a 2 year old in the middle of the street in the dark CALL THE POLICE and call Child Protective Services.
Good luck.

Dear S. C, If I were you I would demand that your kids be seperated at school. It is your right as a parent to request this. And you might let the VP know that you can contact the Little Rock State board about this issue. They are getting plenty of money for these kids to be in resource and they can make a few changes for you. Do it diplomaticly of course and follow the channels with meetings but demand your rights as a parent. As far as the other mother goes blow her off and don't worry about her. You know about that childs life and you should be the only one. Don't bring your son in on it, it makes him judgmental. You are doing a fine job of what you are doing. Don't let your son play with the other child until the child knows what the rules are expected out of him. Good luck K.