Speration Anxiety and Insecurity After a Move 4 Year Old

Listen to her fears. Use the statement: "Tell me..." to discover what her fears are. For example, "Tell me what will happen when you miss mommy." "Tell me what will happen when you are at grandma's house." Then just listen, don't try and fix it or change her story into your story. Let her have her story.

Then you play the "If, then..." You ask her "If (insert her story), then what?" Allow her to follow the story to the next thing that she thinks will happen. At this point you can help her a little by asking what she would do next. For example, "If I go to grandma's I will miss you." "What would you do when you miss me?" "I could call you." Let her come up with the solutions. What you are tring to encourage her to do is understand what resources she has and how to use them.

Help her to have resources: how to use the phone, favorite blanket or stuffed animal, space to feel her feelings, permission to have her feelings, knowing how to call 911 and when to call, how she could use things like her imagination to come up with creative solutions, etc.

When she gets upset and starts crying let her cry it out and simply be there to hold her. Wait till her emotions settle naturally before you step in to support her in finding a solution to her fear. If you step in too soon you are teaching her to stuff her emotions and that her feelings aren't okay. Instead, you just let her have them and then discuss the situation afterwards.

I suggest that it just takes time for her to regain her sense of security. Empathize with her. Let her stay home. If you don't focus on her insecurity and are casually sympathetic she will grow out of this.

Since she's used to her grandma and her house, I might ask her to try an experiment. Ask her to visit with grandma while you wait outside in the car. Then go back in in 10 minutes or so and see how it's going. This way she not only may feel more secure since you're right outside and she'll learn that you do return when you say you will. You may have to do this a couple of times but it's worth a try.

If this were my child, knowing my children well, I probably would not give her the choice. I'd plan to take her to grandma's to stay, talking it up for a couple of hours. Then I'd take her over, spend 15 or so minutes with her and then leave, reminding her, if she fusses, that she loves grandma, grandma loves her, and she'll have a good time. Out of earshot of daughter, tell grandma to give you a call if she doesn't settle down and then go get her. Try again another day.

She needs the repeated experience of you always returning to comprehend that life really isn't much different now.

Moving homes is a huge change. Little ones aren't huge fans of transitions; many of them want things to be exactly the way they are, day in, day out.

It's about predictability, knowing that things can be depended on, and the emotional security that follows.

What Marda suggested, having your daughter go in and visit for a short time *with the security* of you being out in the car is a great idea. Has grandma visited your new home yet? I'd also make sure that happens. Let her visit your daughter, spend time with her in her new room.

I would warn you not to soft-peddle 'how great' the new house is, but do let her choose how to decorate her room (perhaps she can make some pictures and you can tape them onto the walls with masking tape); also let her choose where in the house she wants to play. Is the new room farther away from where the family action is than at the old house? Is she required to play "only" in there? If it were me, I'd give some leeway in this matter. It may be that the house just feels so unfamiliar that she needs your presence to feel comfortable.

And Julie had it right; some children really have a tough time during the age of four. All the Daze, a website on child development, lists as an attribute of the developing four year old (under social/emotional development):

"Beginning to develop some fears and anxieties need sensitivity, security from adults in dealing with these new concerns. Begins to understand danger - at times can become quite fearful. Also, has difficulty separating make-believe from reality."

So, be sure that any stories/tv/literature/media respect this; no scary stories, nothing overly challenging in that area. My son had a BAD fear of bugs the summer he was four-- and I have to tell you, this was unprecedented. I mean, he used to try to hold bees and had every ladybug as a 'pet'-- but that one spring/summer, it was BAD. Screaming and crying, clinging to me furiously and trying to climb up me. His preschool teacher suggested ignoring it and distracting him.... I did a bit of that, but it was mostly patience and then just letting him make a choice:"Well, I need to work in the garden. You can come out and join me, or you can play in the house." You know, it took a few months, but the following summer he was back in the bug business, don't you know! Have faith and patience-- this too shall pass.

You don't say how long you have been in the new house. It took my son about two months to adjust (Tucson, AZ to Quebec, CA). All was well for the first week or so and then he wanted to "move back". I told him and reassured him that all of his things were in the new home. He told me he missed Jimmy a neighbor so we called him up on the phone and he talked to him. After that he was fine.

Ask your daughter for help in arranging the room. Let her help you pick out the colors and things so that she has a say in it.

If she has a special blanket or pillow or bear make sure she has it. When we moved again with two kids blanky and bear came with us. These two items were lifesavers as they were the security they needed to make the transition from one place to another.

Just remember that the routine she had has now changed and this is part of the adjustment period. In a little bit she may not remember it as deeply but the memory will be with her. Also take some pictures if you can of the old home.

As they say, this too shall pass. Have a great new year!

The other S.

My daughter did the same thing when she turned 4. In fact, right after her 4th bday, hubby and I went away for the weekend, and my daughter ran down the driveway crying "you can't go." We had left her with grammie many times before, and she never showed separation anxiety. She will will be 5 in March and she is still showing separation anxiety when she goes to Grammy's, even just for a playdate during the day.

I think it comes with the age. I have no other ideas as to how to explain it.

Moving (even if it's not far) can be very disorienting for younger kids. Our 4 year old made a new friend her age two doors down from the new house-and that helped (but not for long).
Definitely continue bedtime in the new room, if you cave it will be even harder. Maybe one of those lights or stuffed animals that projects on the ceiling would help?
You could try making a book with her. Include pictures or drawings of the new and old houses and encourage her to think of the pros of the new
(our new has more bedrooms and a brand new park behind it). Then have her take to book to grams to show her.
We drive past the old house often and the kids wave and say bye-I make it a point to say something positive about the new house every time.
I also let our 4year old lead tours of our new home. She gets really excited to show people her room first-this seemed to help.

Rituals (sweet and silly ones you make up to fit the occasion) are very soothing to little ones. I'm not the best at it, but ideas such as:

A mister bottle decorated with favorite stickers that you say a blessing over together then mist her new room to have it be happy / welcoming / safe / etc. Say whatever fits your family as far as beliefs go. Put a drop of perfume in it to make it extra magical.

Buy a special Fairy Broom (or Princess broom or whatever she's into). The 'natural' type from a natural food store is very whimsical looking. Then the family sweeps the new room (and I don't mean for the purpose of getting it clean, so this works on carpet as well), sweeping away any sorrow out of her room and right out the back door, releasing it to the wind to carry away.

Or you could light a special candle (one she picks out, again maybe decorated by her with your help) and place it in the center of her room and the family has a little ceremony for it, i.e. "Thank you to Suzy's new room. We are so grateful that you have welcomed us so warmly and that we find love and comfort in here. We thank you for restful sleep and beautiful dreams." Maybe spend a minute or so in each room of the house doing that so you suggest / reinforce what positive activities and emotions will be felt there (such as thanking the kitchen for helping you make meals that will nourish your bodies).

Corny and a bit earthy, yes. But this is the magical age where they believe in magic.

As for Grandma, can you stay for the next visit or start each visit sharing a pot of tea before you go? Ease back into it...

Reassure her that this was a big change that you are all getting used to, and that it is exciting and a bit scary. Help give her the words for her emotions. Validate her. Restate what isn't going to change. Yes, we moved houses, but xyz is still the same (such as we're still going to have movie night on Saturdays, Mommy will still make your favorite peanut butter and banana sandwiches, Daddy will still work Tues. through Sat., we'll still feed your fish at bedtime every night, or whatever it is that you do). In her 4 year old mind, this must be huge...her home is not her home anymore. Maybe plant a tree in the new yard and talk about being rooted.

I'm sure it is tough for everyone, and take a deep breath and remember that this will pass. Good luck, M.!

I didn't get a chance to read all the responses, so forgive me if there is a repeat here. We moved when my daughter was two and a half and I wish I would've done a ton of things differently, but I didn't so I share them here. Stick to routines, always, as much as you can during times of change. The world is scary for small kids, having something they can predict makes them feel safe. Talk to your daughter about the move. Make sure you keep the conversation positive and simple. Perhaps create a ritual for your new home, something that she really enjoys that you only do there. You might want to keep her with you as much as you can right now until she's acclimated to the change. If you need to leave her with Grandma remind her that mommies may go for a while, but that they always come back. Lastly, a tip from a Developmental Psychologist from when we moved, try to set her room up as much as you can in the same configuration as before.

I wish your daughter comfort in the coming weeks!