Talking to 3YO About Grandparent Who Is Terminally Ill

Tell her what is going on. She sees you in distress so keeping her in the dark only worsens her feelings of frustration. Explain grandma is ill and old people die as a process of life. I kept my kids advised of the declining process and when the end came they were sad, but understood.

Hi V.

My only advice is to go to the local library and see if they have any books on dying.

Hope it helps

J.

V.,

I posted for advice a couple of months ago with a similar question. A little different though, we have a 3 year-old and 10 year-old and learned our son we were expecting had a fatal condition. We decided to carry to term not knowing what was in store. We explained to our son Joey that his brother was going to go to heaven. I am not sure of your religious beliefs but we are Catholic. The first time it was difficult because he did not understand.

Then we read him several books they are The Next Place, What's Heaven by Maria Shriver (this one is about the death of a grandma). There are several others. I never imagined how much a 3 year-old could grasp with consistent explanation. Our son was born on April 10th and passed away an hour after birth. He got to see his brother, hold him and love on him before he grew his wings.

It was difficult, but now he goes outside and talks to the sky telling his brother all that is on his mind. He understands 100%.

I would like to send you a copy of What's Heaven by Maria Shriver if you would like.

I am so sorry to hear of your MIL's sickness! All you can do is make her as comfortable in her time here as possible and know that she's going to a wonderful place in the afterlife.

I used the book, "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf" to talk about death with my students. I think you could use it in this situation and talk about how MIL is hanging on as long as she can. Look into it....it's a great little story.

Good luck and hang in there!

HI, First i am sorry about what is going on. I did pediatric and adult oncology social work for over 10 years, couseling kids. i think its best to be honest with your child....you know your child the best, how will they take it btter. not too much info. and its a good way to introduce heaven or whatever you believe in after.....also go to the libraray and look up some books and flip throuhg and see what you think might work best for your child! please ask me with any specifics. and even though your child has allergies, which i am sorry for...........they will know the difference, or say you have medicine to treat that....good luck

V.; I am sorry for all you are going through. Wow, you are busy.

How old is the grandparent? If she is old ~ I'd say she is very sick and her body is old and not healing well. She has lived a long time but that eventually everyone dies. The less explanation the better at this age. I would not recommend you allow her to see the grandparent die. I allowed my kids when my youngest was 5 or so. He doesn't remember too much, he was playing, but my two older girls remember their grandfather going white and it scared them. It made one of my girls think of a ghost. I think if you make death sound like a natural part of life and not scary your daughter will be fine.

Take care, I will be praying for your family as you have a lot going on now.

K. =)

It's important to talk with your daughter now, because she's undoubtedly aware that something is going on. At that age kids often have very concrete questions about death (like "will she still poop?" or about what happens to the body)that sometimes throw adults off, but need to be answered. You can tell her that when people are sick they almost always get better, but sometimes their body is too tired and it's time for them to leave it here and go be with God. She needs reassurance that it's nobody's fault,(especially hers... kids tend to have magical thinking and may blame themselves if they ever had a negative thought toward the dying person) just that Grandma's work here is done. Keep it simple and follow her lead for how much more she wants to know.

There are some great kids books, "Do Rainbows Last Forever?", for preparing for death of a loved one; and "Badger's Parting Gift", "Saying Goodbye", and "Grandad Bill's Song" after someone has died. There was a great pamphlet put out by Mr. Rogers called "Talking with Young Children About Death" that may still be available on-line. Blessings to you all.

I'm very sorry about your MIL. I'm sure it's been a very hard time for your husband and the rest of the family.

Three years old is still pretty young to discuss (on any level that would make sense to them) death and dying. I would definitely explain it in very simple terms, geared toward your child's ability to understand it at this age level.

I have a 3 year old daughter myself, and just thinking about what I would tell her - I'd probably say that Grandma is going to live in Heaven with Jesus. We won't be able to see her anymore because it's very far away, but we can still talk to her when we say our prayers. And I'd do it as matter-of-factly as possible (and try not to break down and cry). She is young enough that a simple explanation is all she needs.

I know this is a very stressful and sad time for your family. My thoughts are with you and yours.
Blessings,
D.

When I had my adopted grandma in my house her last 5 1/2 weeks, everyone told me to NOT let her die in my house because it would traumatize my children.

I concluded that "death" is a normal part of life. She did die in my home. My children were GLAD she was here....she wasn't alone. They were glad to be a part of it. Just a few minutes before she died (after 2 bouts of cardiac arrest) I went to my then 5 year old son and said "you asked God to help Grandma Gladys turn 92. Now it is time to ask him to take her to be with him". His response? A stoic...Yes ma'am...I can do that.

Death was hidden from me as a child. It took me a long time to accept it and learn to deal with it as a result. If they had helped me to see it as a real part of life, i woudl have been much better off.

Personally....I urge you to be straight forward with your daughter. a 3 year old knows a heck of a lot more than we ever give them credit for. Be honest with her now and she will know later in life that she can trust you.

Even something as simple as "grandma's body is getting old and tired. Grandma loves all of us but she is ready to leave this life and go have a new life with God...a life where she will not have pain. We don't know exactly when she will leave, but it will be soon." Then allow the girl to interact with her grandma as much as is humanly possible....it will make a huge difference for the both of them.

Oh - and don't hide your emotions. If you hide your emotions...you are tellign yoru children that emotions are bad, they will learn to bottle their feelings, be silent, and have tremendous dificulty communicating. (I speak that with personal first hand experience of what was slammed on me as a child.)

Be at peace (yes it's possible to do this while expressing your emotions). Know that your MIL makes the ultimate choice as to when she leaves. It is her body that dies...not her. And that she WILL move on to be with God.

If you just need to talk to someone outside the situation....email me here with your number and i'll be happy to call you. (I've personally dealt with hospice several times and helped others who hospice was not helpful to)

Blessings and peace in abundance.

S.

My father-in-law just passed last week. We had to tell my 3 year old son about why we were sad and what happened to grandpa. We told him that grandpa was really tired and not feeling well. We also told him that Jesus wanted him to come to Heaven and we were sad because we wouldn't see grandpa for a long time. But, that grandpa is happy and all better with Jesus.
Whether your Christian or not, I would keep it short and simple. Relate what's happening to something they know (flowers, a favorite toy, animals). And always end on a happy note.
It's a tough time, but at 3 they don't really fully understand.
My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.

I'm sorry to hear about your impending loss.

I know there are children's book available that talk about death. I've heard about them, but I don't know of any off the top of my head. Maybe if you look in the Mamasource archives (I thought I had read about them on here at one time) or just Google children's book about death. I did and there were several entries, I just don't know which one is best.

My youngest is 4 and we had a close family friend pass away suddenly and he didn't quite grasp the idea of what that meant (he sort of understood) until we had gotten some fish and within a week they were dead. Then he really understood what it meant. I didn't plan on them dying right away. I figured we had a few years before it would happen, that's never happened to me before, but it did help explain what happened to our very close friend (she was like a part of our family).

I hope that you can find a way to explain it. Good luck and I wish you the best under the circumstancs.

My condolences to you and your family. Dealing with a grandparent passing at any age is difficult. For a 3yo life is very simple so keep the explanation simple. You've gotten some great examples. I agree with telling her that grandma is very ill and that she will be going to live with God soon where she will feel better. Tell her you are sad because you will miss her very much, don't hide it from her. Be careful of how you word it but don't go into a lot of detail. Kids do bounce back very quickly at this age.

My sympathy for your impending loss...a hard time for all.

I would be upfront. Kids imagination can be much worse than the reality being faced. I think actually witnessing the death would be the most sensitive point. I might avoid that. But if your daughter can feel safe and cared for and maybe have a role to play in this caring for grandma...even a little job...like remembering to bring/carry some item, that might help.
But this is a very personal and emotional issue. It often is tied up with how comfortable we are with death and loss. You do what is most natural for you.

It looks like you're gotten some good advise. I'd just like to add that you should take your daughter to the funeral. My friend had me watch her daughter while she was at a grandparents funeral, and then later regretted it because her daughter had no closure even though she was little. Kids understand more than you think, even when it's on their own terms. Her daughter didn't know where the grandparent went and it made things even harder to explain. Just be factual, try to keep it simple and answer all her questions even if the answer is "I don't know". I know it must be a difficult time for your family. I wish you strength in getting through it.

V.,

Though Death is a difficult concept for young children to understand and handle even under the best of circumstances, I do however believe that children are very "in-tune" and instinctual, and if things are handled by the adults in the best way possible, then the child can have a healthy emotional response to death. Some children are very sensitive to death, while others are less attached to it. The way they show their grief is different with each child as well. You know your daughter the best and when you approach the whole situation, no matter how difficult, with inner wisdom and love you will have done the best you can and your daughter will get that from you. Here are some things that parents can also do to help children move through the death of a loved one. (This info is taken from information I received years ago.)

*Disuss death in unemotional situations. Read books about the life cyle, how flowers, trees, insects grow and die and how it's a natural part of life.
*Keep her daily routine as much as possible. (My own thoughts - routine and structure is important for children, but flexibility is also a great trait to have. If there is going to be a change in her routine, tell her about the transition before hand and provide alternative things for her to do...for example, going to the hospital for a 3 hour visit again? Special treats/toys for her. Let her make a picture for grandma.)
*allow fears and strong feelings and validate her feelings.
*Reassure her that she is safe, loved, and cared for.
*It is ok for her to see you sad and cry. She needs to know that this is normal, and she will see you move through this in a healthy way.

A few of my own thoughts:
Let her help take care of grandma. Continue to encourage and foster a special relationship between them. Believe me, they will BOTH benefit from this special bond.
Listen listen listen to her. She probably has her own profound thoughts to share:) Along with questions and possible fears.
Death is a part of life. I dont' think we should hide it from our children. BUT, we do need to be extremely compassionate about it and approach it in an age appropriate manner.
Make your spiritual views a part of it. When we can help children see the bigger picture, it can help them process it better.

There are some rescources in the valley that might help you if you need.

www.goodgriefresources.com
Scottsdale Prevention Institue
Jewish Family and Childfren's Services
The New Song Center

Much strength and peace to you and your family as you move through this difficult time.

A.
mom of 4. Birth and Parenting Mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com

V., I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult time with your MIL. I pray that you find comfort and peace in each other.

Be honest with her. She may only be three, but this will impact her. Explain very simple about what is going on with Grandma, then answer any questions she has. Call the hospice workers and ask them for advice. Leaving her out will scare and upset her more than anything you tell her. Not telling them leaves it open for them to imagine all kinds of scary things that involve them.

I don't know if you are a religious person or not, but this is a great comfort at this time, if you are. And three-year-olds have absolute faith in anything you say, so be careful to tell her the truth. If you are religious, tell her that she is going to die, which is like going on a long trip, so she should say goodbye to Grandma for a long time, but she will see her again someday. If you are not religious and do not believe in an afterlife, then I would tell her that when Grandma dies, it's like she's going on a long trip and she won't see her again, so she should be sure to tell her she loves her. Then tell her that lots of people get sick and most of them get well most of the time. But the doctors can tell when they are not going to get well, but die instead. The doctors can tell that Grandma is going to die. We will miss her a lot and want her to know that, and that is why we are spending time with her while we can and why we cry sometimes, because we will miss her. Good luck!