Explaining Death to a Five-year-old

I am so sorry about your father in law.

When our daughter was around this age, one of the mothers of one of her classmates in preschool was killed in a tragic accident.

This was a child and a mom that had been there as long as we had. It was just heartbreaking.

Our daughter always did best with honesty and with books. It seemed to be a great way for her to ask questions.

Lifetimes was one of the best that I purchased.
http://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Beautiful-Explain-Death-C...

I also purchased some books about when a child loses a parent, a grand parent and a pet. These books came in handy for the deaths of other friends and family members for many years.

I let her ask any questions and just answered in simple answers. At school they also spoke about this subject. I was worried about what to expect. They told me to just answer in simple answers. that she would be contemplating this information and ask what she needed to know.

A few days after this news, she asked. Because "Marks mommy is dead, where is he going to live?" I said "he is going to live with his grandparents. You know them." A few minutes she asked, "If they die, how will he go to the grocery store for food? He is a little boy and cannot drive a car!"

I said, "well we can take him to the store and he can live with us." " Her answer? "That is a good plan."

So that is how she handled her concerns. She just wanted to know "the plan.".

So keep it simple. They do not need a long drawn out explanation or fantasy. They just need to have their concerns or questions answered "honestly."

When I had to explain it to my daughters, who were 4 and 7 at the time my aunt passed away, I told them that my Aunt had become extremely sick, and had seen many doctors. The doctors tried and tried to help her, but unfortunately, her body was too sick to live anymore. (She had breast cancer, and fought it for 5 years.)

Now, to further complicate matters, my husband's mother died when he was a teenager, so I can't tell my kids that parents don't ever die when their kids are young - they know that's not true, they've heard the stories. So, I just told them that nobody really knows when they will die. Nobody lives forever, but if we do the right things (eat right, exercise, drive safely with our seatbelts on, look both ways before we cross the street...) we will probably live to be very old. (Statistically, that's not a lie.)

I'm not religious, and don't believe in an afterlife, but I do have a good understanding of physics, and so I know that energy is never lost in the universe. It is simply transferred somewhere else. So I felt okay telling my kids that my Aunt's energy is still out there in the universe, acting upon all of us in the form of our thoughts of her. Because we are all better for having known her, her energy lives on.

My kids were okay with that explanation, and didn't seem troubled by it.

" But what's the the least frightening and truthful answer if she asks if this means that we will die? " Yes, one day we will die.

You simply tell her the truth in clean and clear statements. Explain that people die from things like illness or old age (if she is fine add accidents etc.) and that one day we all will.

If you have a religion that dictates certain things such as reincarnation, being with God, becoming a family spirit guide etc. insert that into the conversation as well.

Most kids get it and if you explained it with out being afraid yourself and with out making it seem awful then she will have understanding and not fear. My son was 4 when he lost a great grandparent - he was old enough to understand. He actually handled it with such grace I try not to underestimate him and his level of understanding anymore.

If you care to read on to my story: I was at an Airbonne Party with MIL when she got a call from the hospital asking her to come down with no other information. I drove, when we arrived we were informed of his passing. I called home to tell them and my man said "That explains that." Apparently my son fell asleep on the couch and daddy did not move him yet, my son half woke up about 2min after TOD and said, "Good bye Great Grandpa!" and went back to sleep. Based on my son's and their dog at home's reactions I do FULLY believe he was able to say goodbye before moving on. This situation is the first time my son truly learned about death.

He WANTED to see the body at the wake/funeral. He saw Great Grandpa as who he was and saw the photos we left with him (grandkids, great grandkids, dog, wife etc.) and simply said, "Great Grandpa misses me, and his dog and Great Grandma, but he's okay." Kids are better with death that we give them credit for.

I just want to second Laurie A's thoughtful post and her suggestion of the "Lifetimes" book. We used this book when my son was nearly four; one of the babies in his preschool community died suddenly and he had a lot of questions.

It is likely that you will get those "will you and Daddy die? Will I die?" questions. We chose to keep it simple and told our son "yes, every thing that is alive does die. Daddy and I will be with you for a long, long time, until you are a big grown man. You are going to live until you are a very, very old man. You have a lot of living to do." We didn't discuss any "well, maybe we will, maybe we won't, we'll see..." --- we gave him the solid and strong answer he needed at that time.

Do find the Lifetimes book; it is immensely comforting and very simple. Kids need us to make death 'normal'... sad, but normal. This book places death in its natural context: the end of a life. I do hope your husband and family find comfort and peace during this time.

My father is very ill too, my children are 18, 16, and 6. The older two are very close to my father, in a sense, would be considered more as children, since I lived with them when they were small, and have always had a close relationship with my parents. My 6 year old sees him all the time, but more of a grandparent child relationship. Yesterday, my 6 year old said, Grandpa's dying? I was like who did you hear that from? He said his sister. I said yes, and that means you need to enjoy all your time with him too. Now, I'm not sure if he really has a concept of death. And when it does happen, we'll deal with it then. I too plan on being honest with my children, except my children pretty much see him daily, we live a mile away.
When they get older, hopefully your husband will tell great stories about their grandpa, that's very important.
Sorry you have to go through this, God Bless!

At 5 we had to explain her great grandmother's death and my cousins death within one week.

I was told to be honest. So, none of us are meant to be alive forever. You & Dad will always love her, but some day she will find someone to love and marry and the will start her own family. Most people don't stay with their parents forever. Grandpa is not well and he may go to rest eternally [fill in your belief]. Yes you will die some day, but right now you expect to live with her and see her through all of her wonderful life events, as you have no reason to die at this time.

Best wishes.

Our 9 yr old constantly asks me to promise her that me & her dad will be w/her forever & I flat out refuse to. I tell her that I will always love her & that I will be be with her for as long as I can. My MIL is on a downward spiral of emphysema & I refuse to even talk to her about things b/c she has already seen too much during her young 9 yrs of age. Some disagree w/me, but that's not their place to decide. I feel that it is a parent's right to explain things the way they see fit. Death is something that we all have to deal with, however you know how your daughter will best react,do you think it would be best for her to see her grandpa prior to his passing, or to remember him the way she last saw him? Maybe you could let her be the one to do the questioning, that way you're not the one going too far ahead in detail w/out having too. It is a hard call and I know I am going to dread the day we have to have this conversation w/our daughter, but we do the best we can. My mom used to tell me that when someone dies it makes room for someone to be born and I used to tell my oldest daughter that, not realizing that she blamed herself for my mom's death b/c she was born 3 wks after my mom died, so I no longer use that analogy. Best of luck to you.

I'm not going to lie, it is going to make her scared of you guys dying. My 6 year old is going through this right now, her Grandpa died on Wednesday, and she asked if we were going to die too. I told her yes, we will, but not for a very long time. She also keeps saying she hopes we don't get cancer. (Grandpa had prostate cancer.) We keep saying we hope not, too. Be prepared for her to want to talk about it over and over and to have to constantly reassure her that you are not going to die anytime soon.

I would also recommend a book called When Your Grandparent Dies. My father-in-law just passed 2 months ago and we used that book to prep my nearly 5 year old (who was very close to grandpa) for the funeral. Most of the book explains what I had already been saying. We told him grandpa had lived a long time and had a very happy life, but that it was time to go to heaven where no one is sick or in pain. Our biggest issue (and the discussions continue) was explaining how grandpa could be buried but still be in heaven. They are very literal at that age and the concept of a spirit/soul is not easy to grasp.