How Would You Answer This Question from a 4Yr Old About Dying

I have no answer, I just thought I would commiserate with you...my 4 yr. old just recently informed he didn't want to grow up because he would die and then asked me if I would drive fast and come pick him up in heaven?

The idea of taking turns has been helpful to my 4.5yo grandson (who has lost a dear great-grandma and a big pet dog). Every person, animal, and plant has a turn at living its life. When their turn is finished, they die so new people, animals, and plants can have their turn. Right now, your son is one of the new creatures having his turn living this life.

For most of us, our turn is over when we are so old and sick that we aren't enjoying being alive any more. So, yes, some day a long time from now, all moms and dads will reach the end of their turn. Grandpa had his turn, lived a happy life, and was ready to stop living when his turn was over. He won't be coming back, because his body got too tired and sick.

I would avoid associating death with sleep, because this makes some kids dread going to bed at night.

Don't be too anxious about how your son will process this information. Kids his age are pretty concrete and factual, and all the emotional nuances of loss and grieving usually pass over them pretty quickly. So if you are just calm and factual about it, he's not likely to be scarred. I think it is far more harmful for kids if we don't address their questions, because the imagination can create a far scarier scenario than the truth. It's even very, very okay to cry and grieve in front of children, so they can see how those strong emotions are processed, and that we survive and move on.

Plus, death is a natural part of life. So are loss and grieving. Experiencing the full range of emotions make a full life, and we would never really know joy without sadness, peace without anger, courage without fear. If you think about it, we wouldn't bother reading a novel that has no tension, crisis, emotion or resolution in it. So with life.

There is a period, usually between 10-13, during which children often have to face fear of death on a deeper level. I hope you'll be considering what you'll be telling your son then. Those Big Questions never really rest…

Good questions!

Do not be afraid to talk about death. Instead remember it is part of all of our lives..

Our daughter experienced death at about this age when a friend in preschools M. was killed in a car wreck.. I was really freaked about what to say to her and how she would react. I purchased a few childrens books about death and after reading them to her. A few days later I told her the M. had died.

The only question she had was "who would take him to buy groceries because he was too little to drive a car? ". I told her "his grandparents". She then asked, "what if they die?" I told her he "could live with us and I would buy the food". She said "that is a good plan".

She attended many funerals as a child and was never frightened. In our culture funerals are sad and we mourn, but then we gather for memories, meals and visits. They are like family reunions. Our children see that we are sad, but then we move on and everything is going to be ok..

As a parent you set the tone. Just say things on his level and then let him ask any question or questions.. It will be over so fast it is interesting to see what their concerns are..

Here are some suggestions for books..
http://www.best-childrens-books.com/childrens-books-about...
I liked "Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs" by Tomie DePaola And the book called "Lifetimes" by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen

My 3 year old has asked a lot about death too...and I have chosen to be forthright in accurate information. Our cat passed away a few months back..which inevitably started her curiosity. My grandparents are both still alive, but my grandfather is not doing well, so I have explained to her that he is very old and may die soon. I have never tried to hide death from her, so somehow that seems to have worked, and she is okay with it as a fact of life. I think dealing with it honestly when kids are young makes it easier than a blow that they learn later in life. I believe in reincarnation, so I would explain the grandpa situation to my daughter as so....grandpa's body is gone, but his spirit will always be alive...it is only his body that died. A piece of grandpa will always live in your heart, and you can still be close to him even though his body is not here. Some people choose to visit their loved ones at the cemetery, and if that makes you feel closer to grandpa, I would be happy to take you there. My daughter has definitely asked if I am going to die, if daddy will die, if she will die, if her brother will die, etc...and I handle it as so. Yes, one day, sadly, we all will die. Every living being dies eventually. It is not fair, but it is the way life goes. The good news is that we will live long, long lives and not die until we are very old ( I know that is kind of sugar coating all reality...but I am not ready to explain some people don't make it to old age). We will still have so many, many years together, so it is not something we need to even think about now. It will be lifetimes away. And then because I believe in reincarnation, I tell her that our souls can find each other again in the next life. Who really knows what happens when we die...but I find explaining reincarnation to her more comforting, that her pets can find their way back, and that even death can't keep us apart. I hope any of this helps.
A. :)

I would say that yes, grandpa is still dead, because once people die they don't live again. But that he can still see grandpa if he closes his eyes and he can still feel the love for grandpa in his chest and that's a really special thing that he'll always get to keep.

Knowing that people die isn't scarring, it's the truth.

As for you dying, I personally would deflect the question with something like "grandpa was a very old man. You don't think that I'm very old, do you? We'll worry about me dying when we're both very very old, like 103." And then move along. I wouldn't lie about it, but imagining the death of a parent is very scary for a young child, so I would just encourage them to put it out of their mind for now. He probably will : )

Good luck.

I don't have an answer but it made me think of when my son was almost 4 and I was pregnant with our daughter. I think most of us say that we have babies in our tummies.
Our son wanted to know when I ate the baby to get it in my tummy?

Kids are so literal.

My son asked the same question at the same age. I told him that the Lord calls us all when it is our time. It's our job to make the most of the time He gives us on Earth. I also told him that death isn't "good-bye forever", it is "I will see you when it is your time".

Maybe you're not religious and so this wouldn't work for you, but it worked for me. My son was like "Oh, okay, so our life doesn't just STOP when we die?" And I told him "Nope it sure doesn't, we just leave our bodies behind on our way to Heaven." He was like "Cool! And our bodies rot?" lol! BOYS!!

I think that no matter what your beliefs are it's a great opportunity to talk to kids about what happens when people, animals or other living things die .

We have told our kids that "what happens when you die" is a great question and no one really knows. Some people believe that there's a beautiful place in the sky, others believe that people come back as something or someone else, and other believe that you just go back to the earth. We kept it simple and let them form their own opinions about what happens.

You can also check out the library from some helpful books geared toward kids. I would be careful about describing death as "going to sleep". That's too literal for kids and they may fear that if you or they go to sleep they won't wake up like grandpa didn't wake up.

Birth and death are part of the life cycle and though it can be very difficult emotionally, it isn't something I think we should avoid talking about with kids (or adults for that matter). At this age though, keep it simple.

Best to you and my condolences for your loss...

Ohh so tough... this all depends on your beliefs too. As for the mommy question, I would say something along the lines of "I don't want you to worry about mommy dying, because mommy is going to be with you for a very long time". or "when people get VERY old, its time for them to go to heaven, and mommy is far from being old". With the grandpa question you could tell him that grampa is in heaven with all the angels and he is doing all the things he loved to do. I would say yes to visiting grandpa in the grass... it might be his way of closure. I hope this helps... sorry for your loss.

My BIL dog died about 5 months ago and my daughter only met this dog once but just absolutely fell in love with him. The dog died two weeks after she met him but was devastated that he passed. As I said this was 5 months ago and she is still talking about the dog dying. And anytime she does something dangerious, ie running in the grocery store parking lot, I remind her that she needs to be safe, and then she chimes in "so I won't die like Preston (the dog) and go to dog heaven?" and I almost chuckle but keep a serious face and say yes so you don't go to dog heavan with Preston. She is only 3 so she doesn't understand death but she just understands that when you die we don't get to see you anymore.

Not sure if this is helping, but my point is that sometimes kids get stuck on a situation and their repetitve questions help them slowly understand.

I am sorry for your loss and Good Luck

This description to your child dends on your beliefs.

When our 15 yr old was 4,her best friend died. It was SO hard as a M. being close to the child and her parents who died and to try to make my 4 yr old understand. To this day, I have a hard time facing those parents because when our eyes meet, we know our girls should be together in the same class of 2013.

Our daughter remembers and understands that death is a part of life.

At this point at her age (15), she wants to ride in a car with others, etc. I know I have issues with that because as a teen myself, 4 teens in my class died in car accidents.

In the last 2 months, we have had a known friend with a teen soon to graduate with a football scholarship be in a car accident and he is now at home re-learning basic function.. On July 8 another teen (16 yr old beautiful, talented girl) was killed in a car accident from our community.

I realize this is not exactly on target for your question but from an early age, we need to let our children know that life is not a guarantee. We need to cherish all we can.

Best wishes.............your child adores you and does not want to think of losing you.

Just be open and honest. Short answers work best. My kids been to funerals and from a small age. It's a part of life. When my grandma died 2 years ago this July, my youngest was at the funeral home and said Great Grandma is in a jewelry box. She must be happy now. They understood great grandma is sleeping and won't wake again. We visit the grave when we can and they understand it's a part of life. We tell our kids how much we love them and don't plan to leave them. They are ok with that and it's just enough information for them to take in.

Yes, to grandpa is still gone/dead physically. But I am sure you have pictures and like one person said he can close his eyes and remember the times he had. I would let him visit his grave and explain that this is where people go when they die.

For the question about you.. I would say that you have not made any plans on that so no worries. Also let him know that there is still plenty for you to do before you die.

The problem with us adults is that we want to say so much when asked a simple question. What your child is asking is will you be here for me or are you going away like grandpa? Answers - no sweetie I'm not going to get dead. (no explanation needed). Yes, grandpa is still dead. Yes, we can vist his grave site and take flowers. If your child wants to know more than this he will ask. Take one question at a time and only answer THE question. If you go into a long explanation then it may be confusing for your child and lead to a total misunderstanding.

Good luck!

K.

My father died almost a year ago. My daughter is 5 and was very close with him (as was I). For her to see me in such pain and to lose her grandfather was hard on her. Especially since he was only 54 and she was always under the impression that only very old people died.

First, don't use the expression "sleeping" because that will only confuse him, and possibly afraid to go to sleep, let you sleep, etc. Be honest. My daughter had a hard time understanding why grandpa died so young. We discussed that some people die because they get sick from not taking care of themselves completely, some people have accidents, etc. No matter WHAT you say, it will be hard for a child to understand at that age, but do your best to explain and answer any questions honestly. My daughter had a very difficult time leaving people after my father died because he lived in NJ and she didn't expect to never get to see him again after he last came for a visit. So we just explained that when we dropped her off at school we would always return to pick her up, and we would spend as much time as we could loving her completely and totally for as long as we all were together.