I have lived in a cottage on my parents property since before my children were born. My sons spent every evening at my parents house- eating, taking baths, sleepovers, etc. we recently moved into a new home and my 6-year-old son is having a hard time transitioning. I allow him to go over on the weekends and sleep over, but when he comes home, he cries at bedtime saying that he can't be left alone and needs someone to lie with him. He cries and screams to the point of vomiting. I told him I will lie with him and still he cries and vomits. I told him if he keeps it up, he won't be able to sleepover at grandma's house. We are now going on 11 days of me lying on his floor until he sleeps. He asks every day if he can earn the sleepovers back. I understand that he spent the first 6 years of his life living right next door to grandma and grandpa and I know the transition is hard for him. I don't want to take away his time from his grandparents, but when he comes home, it's quite exhausting. It's as if he backslides. I know at grandma's, he sleeps in her room next to her bed and sometimes watches tv with her until he falls asleep. I know he feels at home there and there is a comfort. Should I allow him to continue going and keep lying on the floor with him at night or should I cut off the sleepovers?
**UPDATE: I think I didn't explain properly. I have always been in my son's life. My cottage was on the same property as my parents so he would walk over and hang out- at most for 1.5- 2 hours a night. I would make his dinner and he would ask if he could take it to the front house and eat with them. He would only sleep over 1 night a week (on the weekend). He was in no way living there and they were never his primary caregivers. What I was saying is that he had access to see them on a daily basis and that has changed since the move. This is no where near being a foster family type situation or an adoption where he was whisked off. Not sure where that came from. Our new house is 10 minutes away from my parents and he still sees them daily.
Punishing him for missing his grandparents by not letting him go there at all doesn't seem to be working. I'd let him go over but come home at night. Let him take his time to adjust.
When he's at grandparents he sleeps near grandmas bed?
And when he's at his new home you're trying for him to sleep alone in his own bed in his own room?
And YOU are sleeping next to him in his room?
Try this.
Set up a camp cot in your room (or a sleeping bag on the floor) and have him sleep at the foot of your bed for several months - don't give him a time frame - say it's an option until he feels comfortable with his own room.
When he's in your room, he gets no night light because he's with you.
Make his room the fun place to be (our son's bed was easy to make into a fort) - he gets a night light in his own room only.
But no tv or electronics - a bed room can be fun without it being the playroom.
Have him take naps there and play there and eventually he'll make friends with his room.
At 6 he's too old to be having these tantrums.
Have the grandparents come visit him at his new home instead of him going over there.
There's no reason for him not to see them - MANY grandparents don't have over nights with the grandparents but still see them plenty at other times.
The sleep overs need to end because he's clinging to how things use to be and that keeps him away from accepting his new situation.
He's not allowing himself to move on and that's just sad.
Life is change.
We change schools, make new friends, we move, we grow, we get new jobs, we mature, marry, start families of our own.
We NEED to know how to cope with change and see it as a glorious journey that we ENJOY our whole lives.
He needs to get use to change not because you are trying to torture him but because it's a vital life skill he needs to develop.
You don't have to be brutal about it but you have to find a way to encourage him to grow - and different methods will work best for different kids.
Visiting his grandparents for overnights for right now is holding him back.
You'll get through this but it's not going to be over in a few days or even weeks.
Be patient with him.
Accepting major changes takes time
I urge you to be compassionate and to let him stay overnight with his grandmother. Punishing him will make the transaction more difficult.
This is a big move for him. He felt secure in your first home. He had no say in the decision to move. His grandmother is a link between the old and new lives. His grandmother can help him make the transition by reassuring him that everyone loves him.
I think he should continue his familiar routine with his grandmother. Keep as much the same as reasonable/ possible. Let him adjust to the move while having the security grsndma gives. He's just 6. He's not aware of sex if that's why some may think he should sleep in his own room. I slept with my grandmother until she went to a nursing home. I slept in the same bed with my mother in my young adult years when I visited after emotional difficulties. When my grandchildren were anxious and visiting me they slept with me. My autistic grandson still cuddles with his mom and me.
Your son needs all the emotional support you are able to give him. Be patient and empathic for as long as it takes.
If you haven't already, have him help you set up his bedroom. If he want's a new comforter let him choose one. Perhaps he'd like a new stuffed animal to be his friend in his new home.
I wouldn't continue sleeping on the floor. I would start to wean him away from you staying the night with him. I'd start by talking about other ways that would help him be Ok. Have you tried a night light or music? I'd sit at the foot of his bed or in a chair, telling him you're going to leave soon. Ask him what amount of time would feel right for him. Make him a part of appropriate decisions that involve him so that he feels like what he wants/needs is important. Give choices. When I give my 4 and 2 yo grandchildren, I give them 2 choices. When they want a different choice, I remind them that is not one of the options and repeat the choices, they frequently choose one of them.
You could ask him where he'd like his bed to be put. Make one of the choices similar to the way it was in his previous room.
I suggest it might help if you spend some time just listening to what he thinks about the move, without trying to make him feel better. Validate his feelings by making sympathetic comments.
Perhaps walk around the neighborhood so he sees that it's safe. Perhaps take him to story time at the library. Get him involved in his new home and neighborhood.
I'm a grandmother. My daughter and i,.after some disagreements, have reached a way that works better when she doesn't tell me what to do in my home. We talk about what is happening. We both voice our understanding of what will help. She then let's me decide what will work for me. She recognizes that I'm a different person from her and I've had different experiences. We both learned over time how to work together to reach a way that works for her child. Definite "orders" from the other doesn't work.
In my experience, focusing on what the child needs and how each can contribute to the solution. My daughter doesn't want children sleeping with her even when she was single. So sleeping with the child or staying very long in their room isn't helpful. Because sharing a bed helped me, I feel good sharing a bed. Each of us have different boundaries and that is ok. We've learned to respect each other and each others boundaries.
Oh that's hard.
Question for you - is he vomiting because he's afraid etc. (anxiety) or is he vomiting because he's worked himself up from all the crying? Because I'd treat those differently. I've had both.
One of mine is anxious. Vomits if fearful. So we adapt her situation so she's ok. They call it making them more resilient. So they still have to do what they are afraid of, but we let them have a comfort item. One of mine has a music box we play and a special light that throws stars up on her ceiling. We just went away for the weekend and she was able to sleep without them. Have you tried anything like that? A special blanket from your mom's house he could wrap up in? A picture of grandma next to the bed? Maybe a call from grandma just before bedtime to say goodnight? I wouldn't do anything that will be a hard routine to keep up, but what about asking him what alternative he would like - give him a few of those options, and let him pick one. It would make him feel more in control - which helps take the fear away.
Anxious kids do not do well if you let them freak out. So if he's anxious about the bedtime, letting him cry in his room might not go so well. But definitely don't keep up the lying on floor. If you have to break him of that, tell him you'll sit in his room and read for a while (say 10 minutes). Then reduce it next week to 5 mins. Give him time to adjust. If he's used to going to sleep with a TV on in the background, maybe that noise (you reading, or a radio going even quietly in the next room, etc.) might help. I wouldn't try to mimic what Grandma does but steps to ease him into finding a new workable routine at your place.
Good luck :) Keep us posted.
how wonderful for him to have spent his early years that close to his grandparents, and to have such a great warm relationship with them.
but this is a pretty big over-reaction. moves are always tough on kids, but this degree of trauma is over the top.
while i wouldn't ever want to make time with grandparents the currency for good behavior, it may be necessary to put a stop to it for the time being to get him over this hump. and i would absolutely stop sleeping on his floor.
i don't do drama. if this were my little fellow i'd be very gentle and understanding with him- it's not his fault, after all, and he's very young. but i'd be super careful not to feed into it. and crying and screaming at bedtime at this age (he's not THAT young) would be a non-starter. i mean, some tears aren't out of line. if he's sad, he's sad, but screaming and working himself up to vomiting is way beyond my line in the sand.
so i would have a simple discussion with him along the lines of 'i'm sorry you miss grandma so much. but the bedtime tantrums are not going to work in this house. when you can go to bed without screaming and carrying on we'll go back to you spending weekends at grandma's, but i'm afraid that while you're behaving this way we simply cannot allow it.'
leave the room while he bellows.
stick with it.
make sure grandma's on board too.
put a bucket in his room at bedtime and after your warm loving routine let him bellow it out. he's not an infant. there ARE times when CIO is appropriate.
when he is sad but calm and using his words, take him back into your presence and listen sympathetically (but not TOO sympathetically!). let him talk. mirror his words back to him so he knows he's being heard.
do not waffle about with the sleepovers and bedtime routines. this is simply not tolerable.
have grandma institute a bedtime routine there too once he's progressed enough to get the sleepovers back. he needs to be in a bed there and not on her floor falling asleep to tv. there's nothing wrong with that, i hasten to add, but it's obviously adding to the angst when he comes home, so it needs to change.
he needs very firm and fast rules about how he's acting out. he also needs plenty of love and understanding for how hard it is. he is absolutely allowed his feelings, and his sadness, and your help in getting a grip on it. but he's not allowed to hold everyone hostage, and the tantrums need to stop right now.
good luck, mama! i hope he gets to spend his precious weekends with grandma again very soon.
khairete
S.
You need to figure out what he is trying to gain with the tantrums. Is he actually trying to go to grandma's more or is he desperately clinging to a dysfunctional bedtime routine?
If it is the routine, threatening him with no visits to grandma isn't really effective. To me it sounds like he was comfortable with the routine and wants it to continue so focus on dismantling it. You can't just expect him to change from controlling his whole evening routine to doing as told just because you are in a new home. Also if you let him go over to grandma's she needs to understand the new routine and do the same there.
How awful. Your son is traumatized by losing the only home he's known and then you punish him further by taking away sleepovers too. Maybe try to be sympathetic and understanding and speak kindly to him and help him work through it. I would not take away nights at grandmas and I would not sleep on the floor in his room either. He needs to learn to adjust but taking away the one thing that helps him isn't the way to do it. Lots of kids go to their other parents house, grandparents and friends houses and it's always an adjustment when they come home. You don't punish them for it but help them work through it.
Maybe reward him for going to bed without a fuss. Tell him if he does he gets a special treat the next day or more tv time or something. Try something positive for him to look forward to instead of punishing him and being frustrated. Good luck.
I'm sorry that your mom allowed him to sleep in her room watching TV with her until he fell asleep. This is a huge part of the problem.
Talk to her and tell her that she has to change things. He needs to sleep in his own bed there.
Show him a calendar. Tell him that he needs to have 5 nights of going to bed without crying. Show him your stickers and tell him that once he gets 5 stickers, he has earned a weekend of staying with grandma.
This is the ONLY way he should earn back time sleeping over there. And your mother needs to agree with and stick to not having him sleep in her room. If she won't, then don't send him over there.
If I were you, I wouldn't lie down with him. I would sit beside him in a chair, read a book to him, and then turn off the light. Just sit and don't talk. (And no lying in the floor, anyone...) Stay with him until he falls asleep.
Just keep doing this until he earns the 5 stickers. Give him plenty of hugs during the day. But no lying down with him at night and no letting him go over there until he has 5 stickers. And tell you mom that so help you, if she backs out on her promise to you to have him sleep in his own room, that you won't let him come back for ANY sleepovers. She will undo all you're trying to accomplish if she does.
I just wondering why he bathed there , ate there and slept there every night? It sounds like he basically lived at his grandparents and not with you. I guess I would have transitioned him slowly. It's almost like a child in a foster home. There his whole life then whisked away because he is adopted That's how I am reading this. I may be off base, not sure.
I am a little surprised at some of the answers.
Your poor little guy's world was turned upside down and inside out. Since he was born he spent EVERY day with his grandparents. He knew nothing else. In his little eyes he just lost a second set of parents, a big chunk of what he felt to be his immediate family and a big part of his security. He spent EVERY day with them! It is like a divorce situation. And he sounds like a sensitive child.
I would still allow sleeping at grandma's just as you would allow him to visit an ex-husband. And I like B' s advice for transitioning him at his new house. These are not tantrums and he is not too old for feeling this way. He is truly upset and needs time to feel that all is right with his little world in his new home.
I think it's an over-reaction, he's 6, not 2. I wouldn't be able to deal patiently with that kind of reaction to moving. I think it's great he got that kind of time with his grandparents growing up, but maybe it was way too much if this is how he is behaving.
Grandparents are SUPPOSED to spoil the grandbabies. TV until you fall asleep, ice cream for dinner, playing outside after the street lights come on, etc. Grandparents aren't there to put rules into effect. So he is missing the freedom.
Lay out what is expected from him at home, and expect it. Tell him Grandma's house is different, but if he wants to stay there he needs to show he is a big kid at home.
My kids moved several times until we built our house. Our oldest moved when she was 1, almost 3, and almost 5. The next two only moved once...but still. I moved every two years growing up - it's part of life. I can't imagine ever being allowed to throw tantrums and disrupt the normal routine for long.
Don't cut off the sleepovers, but let him know that's a TREAT he has to earn by behaving for you at home.
I know you are frustrated but I would not take away any time with his grandparents and sleepovers. That seems cruel to me. That relationship has been consistent throughout his life. To use that as punishment is just mean and will probably make the issues worse.
Think about it.. he has been with them all of his life and now he is uprooted. Life as he knew it has changed. Of course he has some issues and there has to be adjustments but it takes time.
When we built the house we are in now, our daughter had just turned 5. In our other home, all bedrooms were upstairs and it was a smaller home. In this home... it is more than twice the size of the other home, our master area was down in the back corner of the house and her bedroom was in the far upstairs opposite corner. She had a lot of adjusting to do because she was upstairs to herself. MANY times she would end up in our bed but we knew it would not last. Over time, we used to swear that if there was a kitchen upstairs, we would never see her!!!
It is going to take time. Why not let him sleep on floor next to you. He just needs reassurance from all of you to make the adjustments. His world has changed and you can't expect a child that age to adjust perfectly when their world changes.
You have to do what's best for your household. I understand though. My oldest left just after high school (9 years between my boys). After 9 years of best buds, rooms right next to each other, sharing a bathroom, tagging along, playtime, suddenly that was taken from my youngest. Its been a year and a half and I have 3 or 4 out of 7 nights a week where my youngest just wants the companionship he misses-and I will lay next to him or talk to him until he falls asleep. And my husband and I give him that. Its a minor thing to us but a major life event for a child. I think that's what grown ups miss. I had to look at it from my son's perspective. We'd just bought our house-a big one-for both of them 10 years ago and now it seems empty without all the noise boys make. Give him time, stand your ground but remain sensitive to his getting used to the change. It will come, with your parent's involvement or not. Be well.
We moved and have been in our new house for a year and 3 months. I feel like my 6 year old daughter is just starting to be fully adjusted and fully happy again these last couple months. She was so homesick for so long. Be patient, loving and calmly firm when needed. It is just going to take lots of time. Try to keep things positive for your little guy.
I was also wondering why it seemed you had almost nothing to do with your son's life until recently. Of course it will be hard for him now. He's moving away from his de facto parents. It's almost as if he has new parents now. I think you may have to slowly transition and do things the grandparents did.
I wouldn't stop any sleep overs or visits with the grandparents, that would be an overload on your child. Just be patient and it will all work out in time.
I would find something that is special to put in his new room so he will become more comfortable there, like a picture of his grandparents, new decor that he can pick out (cartoon wall stickers), etc..
