I guess I am just looking for some advice, or someone to talk to, or just to vent. I feel like I have no one to talk to. If I talk to my friends or family, they are so close and involved, that they pick sides and resent my fiance, and then it's awkward later... so I just wanted to try and post something on here and maybe someone will be able to help. Here goes...
My fiance and I have been together for a little over 5 years. The first 2 were a little rocky, off and on... always his doing. And then he would come back. And looking back I feel like that set the stage for what I will tolerate. I take responsibility also. I am choosing to be with this person.
We have been officially together for the last 3 years. We got pregnant. It wasn't planned. At that point I thought everything would be ok. We were back together, committed, things were looking up. I was scared, but he assured me that we were on the right track and everything was going to be ok.
Then my whole pregnancy was like the "He's Just Not That Into You" book/movie smacking me in the head. He was almost going through some sort of 25-ish, mid-life, gonna be a dad, crisis. Basically to make a long story short, he went out to bars, partied with his freinds a lot, made it very hard for me to enjoy my pregnancy or trust in our relationship, all while turning it around on me and chalking it up to me being insecure.
I still cry when I think about all of the different ways he has hurt me. Things that just add up over time. And its hard to forget and move on, when even though its not the same thing hes doing over and over again, I feel like they are all related in some way. Some way he sabotages the relationship, manages to hurt me, and then transfers the guilt onto me.
We didnt get engaged or married right away. Even though when we first got back together, he professed his love to me. He didnt want people to think we were only getting married b/c of the baby. So, I caved, like I always do. I love him. So I agreed to wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. To the point that I sort of just thought it will never happen. I came to terms with it. I decided that I love this person. I had been with out him before, I was miserable. I truly love him. And so I decided in my head, that I needed to be ok that he may not ever marry me. He provides for me and our daughter. He offered for me to stay home with her. He is probably more of a husband by helping me around the house and being a great daddy then a lot of REAL husbands that I see.
Well once I internally accepted it, this past summer he asked me to marry him. I was in shock. For about a week I couldnt even tell people. I was just so shocked and couldnt believe it was actually happening. Then came the excitement. And everyone knew, and they were all asking questions and when and where and all that stuff that normal people do when they get engaged. Then came his nervous freak out. He says we dont have to get married 'right' away, we dont have to talk about the wedding all the time, theres no rush.... you get the idea. It's no shock to know how bad that hurt me after waiting for it for so long. It was almost like I couldnt enjoy it. He doesnt see it this way. He just genuinely felt like (in his stupid guy mode) quit talking my ear off about it. And he thinks there is nothing wrong with saying that to the person he just asked to spend his life with.
Now to bring you up to date. Currently, we are still not married. After that incident, I felt like I couldnt talk to him about wedding stuff. I stopped planning anything b/c i was hurt and it made me question if he really did want to marry me to say those things. He insists that he does and looks at me like I am crazy to have these insecurities like he doesnt even remember all the things he said to me previously or something. He makes me feel like I am crazy sometimes.
Currently we are considering buying a house. Yet another reason to post-pone a wedding, considering I stay home with our little girl and have no income. I am not insisting on a big wedding. They day he proposed I said we could go to the justice of the peace for all I care, I am just so happy he actually wants to marry me. But HE didnt want to do that. Now he says he wants to take our tax refund and just go to the Caribbean or something and get married.
During our discussion about the "house" today, came up the topic of if we have more kids, and space and bedrooms. To which he says "Hes not having anymore kids. Hes fine with one." This is a shock to me. This has never been said before. Not when he asked me to marry him and spend his life with him. Not when we got pregnant. Not when our daughter was born and we discussed our next method of birth control. He never once brought up a permanent method of birth control. Never said he would be done with kids. I on the other hand, love kids, and have always been up front about wanting more some day. Just agreeing to do it in a more old fashioned, married way next time.
I just feel so cheated. He says he doesnt want anymore kids right now, and he doesnt see that ever changing. Like HE decided that and I was not included. I realize we could not have another baby without both wanting it. But I feel like I have caved with everything. I have no back bone with this man. I want more kids. I want another baby. I want a planned pregnancy and a stable marriage and to enjoy it this time! I didnt have that with my first pregnacy. I love this man. But I want more kids. And if I am with him and marry him, and we never have another baby, will I always resent him?
If he does come around, how could I ever have another baby with him knowing this, b/c then I will always wonder if he resents me for us having more kids? I feel so lost. I have been through soooooo much. So many reasons I should have ran for the hills and I couldnt. I love him. I kept forgiving him and moving on and thinking the best and believing in us. And this is really troubling me. I cant sleep. I look at our little girl and I imagine not ever having another baby, and I can't see that. I can't see my life like that.
I feel cheated b/c I dont know why he wasnt honest about this with me. Im angry. I feel embarrassed that I love this person. This person soooo much. And I give and give and give, and forgive and take in everything that he says. This was not one of those things that he said. He never said only one child. Im angry that I stayed. Im angry that I didnt leave so many times.
But I do love him. We had a lot of issues, I wont lie. But we got through it. We are happy. We have a good life. We laugh everyday. Hes a great father and has really matured a lot and most of everything else is perfect as the years have passed. I just cant help but feeling like I am second guessing everything now. Disagreeing on children is huge. I dont know where to go from here. i feel so lost. I already feel resentful of him and angry. Im angry at myself most. Im angry that I took so much from him and gave in all the time and now I feel like this is what is comes to. Im angry that he doesnt see it that way and looks at me and says no more kids out of no where today like its already decided. I dont know what to do.
If you think you can relate or just offer anything, I would be so grateful to hear it. I'm sorry this is so long. I could really write a book..... too bad it was already written.
The last time I looked "love" isn't suppose to make you feel miserable and stressed. True love is working together on issues - not just you giving in and having everything his way. You would think if he loved you he would want to make you happy. I believe you have alot of issues, and could benefit from talking to an outside source - maybe some counseling - to help you sort it all out. Good Luck.
Hello,
Your situation sounds similar to mine. I feel your pain about the wedding etc. We did finally get married and it was a huge mistake. We did have the second baby even though he did not want one and of course he is the greatest little baby but it changed everything. We are separating and it is hard but sometimes I am ok with it. I also want more kids and he does not, he was done before we had the second one. I don't know what advice to give you but if I could do it over again, I never would have gotten married or bought a house and I would have moved on. You both have to be able to agree on some sort of plan...it can't be one sided and that is how it sounds to me. Again, that is the exact reason we are having problems...it was always all about him.
GOod luck and if you need to talk just send me an email.
Big decisions are meant to be made by the two of you. You discuss, ponder, anguish, pray, seek advice, read, whatever it takes. He sounds much too controlling and doesn't want to hear your heart. If that's the case, run for the hills!! I know you love him but you can't change him. Love isn't enough. You both need to know how to communicate and work together and that isn't happening and doesn't sound likely to start happening.
Staying with him is hard and you can look forward to a lifetime of hard. Leaving is hard and you can look forward to a light at the end of the tunnel. I know of what I speak - I had so much hope until I finally saw things for how they really are. My divorce will be final in April and I can't wait!
I suggest you leave him and start a new life. I'm sure you have family and friends that will help you. Can you move back home with you parent(s) for a few months? Or a friend's house? Good luck.
J. I am no expert but I can tell you what love looks like and your relationship is not it. Sometimes two people can love each other but not be right for each other. I have had two relationships like this. They are hard to let go of, because you do really care for these people and it seems like there should be some way to make it work....there isn't. I am not going to bash on your man because I don't know him and I don't know his side of the story. This realtionship is not healthy for you. Like the other lady said....DO NOT buy a house together until you get this worked out. DO NOT get married until you gets this resolved. Don't compromise your dreams for anyone but yourself. You will resent it and him. You are so young, it is not like your clock is ticking or you are getting to old to have more kids. Please respect and love yourself enough to stand up for what you already know is right. Tell him how you feel and whether it is right or wrong...it is how you feel and that until the two of you can work through these things everything is on hold. If that is okay with him....you know in your heart what the answer is. Be strong girlfriend....you can do what you need to do. It might be fun or pleasant, but it will be right and in the end you will be glad you did it. Good luck.
Hi J.,
Wow... what a story. In my opinion it really sounds like you are "settling" for this man. You kept mentioning that you love him so much, but I didn't really hear many reasons behind that. I know that you love staying home with your daughter, but could that be the main reaason that your staying with him, b/c otherwise you would have to work to support her alone? I just hope you know that you are special and deserve to be treated that way and the fact shouldn't be that HE wants to marry you... it should be that YOU want to marry him.
About the no more kids statement. My husband also said the same thing to me after we had our son. He had a hard time adjusting to being a father, it really scared him for awhile. I had to suck up a lot but he finally started to come around. When my son was not quite 2yrs old I sat him down and went over all of the reasons why another child would be beneficial in the long run. He respected the time and thought I put into it and said he would agree to another child... I'm due in 2 weeks. However, it did take me a few months of just letting him go and not bringing it up much until finally I had to have it resolved. I feared resenting him also, especially b/c we agreed when we got married that we would have as many kids as we could afford.
Anyway, my advice is to first figure out if this is the man YOU want to spend your LIFE with. If so, at some point try to sit him down and go over point by point why you want another child and how you might feel if it doesn't happen... in a non-threatening way. Sometimes I don't think men realize the strong passion that women have when it comes to this topic! Good luck to you and I wish you the best!!
Dear J.,
It sounds like you have a lot in common with my youngest sister. She's also 26, & has been with her boyfriend for going on four years. He has a daughter who will be four three months & 10 (give or take) before their 4-year "anniversary". While they don't share a child, that's pretty much where the differences end. They've been living together for 2 1/2 years & while they've "talked" about engagement & marriage, she still doesn't have a ring. Mind you, he claims that he doesn't want to buy her a "cheap" ring, but then he turned around and spent $500 on part for his "fixer-upper" car. (He has two in addition to his regular vehicle).
At this stage in the game, you have a child with this man & you've been together long enough for him to figure out if he wants to be committed to you or not. He proposed, so set a date. If he won't talk about (nevermind commit to) a date, it's time to move on. As for buying a house together, I would DEFINITELY not do that! The two of you can't even clearly define your relationship, buy a house (particularly in this economy) is NOT going to make life easier. Also, since you said you think buying a house is ploy to get out of the wedding/marriage, say that you want the committment of marriage BEFORE you're willing to commit to the house! That's pretty simple & straightforward! Good luck with your situation. I'll be praying for you!
