Stress, How Do You Handle Everything

Updated on October 26, 2010
M.T. asks from Pflugerville, TX
8 answers

I have always been good at juggling hectic schedules but recently I feel like I've gotten lost in it all and just become everything else but me. Short history, I've been laid off probably 5 different times from different jobs due to outsourcing, buy out or economy. I was a stay at home mom after the last one for about 6 months and we decided that I really needed to go back to work. I had no clue what I would enjoy doing but would take just about anything. Ended up with a 3 month contract that pays really well and may even go permanent which would mean insurance for my family since my husband's company quit supplying his(he's only employee and owner qualified for medicare.) My husband keeps telling me that I have too much on my plate and should get rid of something but some of it's his but he's not willing to work his scedule so that I can do something I enjoy. Almost every night I'm doing something for someone else and as soon as I'm interested in doing something for me it's a hastle. My husband might say, "I really just want to relax this weekend but I guess I'll have to watch the kids, have fun." I know I'm not doing what I enjoy doing at work but I'm good at it and it pays well. When I mention to my husband what I'd like to do it's, "well you need a paycheck and you and your sister are always coming up with job ideas." My sister is the type that has a LOT of ideas but then it's up to me to pull off. I was thinking the other day about what I really enjoy doing and trying to make it a career and when I mentioned it to my husband the above was the response I got with a "as long as would be home by the time I get home." I really felt defeated. Even sitting here now I'm going through the motions but no joy in it. I've always been able to find joy in my job bc I love to work but for some reason I'm just not getting there. Maybe it's because I'm 30 and tired of being laid off or tired of having a job instead of a career. Tonight my son has soccer practice from 6-7 and husband has a softball game at 6:30 to 7:30. My son's bio dad would pick him up from practice then bring him home when we get there. I really don't want to go to the softball game bc I also need to get awards together for an upcoming Pack mtg and need to get caught up on a few other things, work included. Last time I said I wasn't going to go my husband was pretty upset and practically threw a tantrum so I ended up going dragging a toddler with me and other son's father picked him up. This weekend I went to the Women of Faith conference so I feel bad for saying I don't want to go but even this weekend was a hassle and when I finally got back it was "Finally" Usually he's wonderful and will tell me he wants me to be able to do things I want to as well but it's almost like he does as long as he's not inconvienenced. Just trying to breath.

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So What Happened?

So I talked with my hubby about tonight and didn't seem to mind that I wouldn't be there. In fact he said "I know your busy so don't worry about it." Why don't I get that response every time. Either way I'm going to discuss trying to work out a better schedule. He also agreed to not play Winter Ball which will knock at least one thing off our schedule for a while and Soccer will end soon as well. For the mom that asked about the awards. When my son signed up for Cub Scouts the Advancement Chair person was leaving and they asked for a parent to volunteer to take over. I mistakingly did. I don't mind it because it's usually pretty easy with the exception of this one. I have a problem of thinking that if I want it done right I'll do it myself. I did however last night hand over the booth set up to another parent. I'm sure I'm partly to mostly to blame for the hectic schedule but maybe after my husband and I sit down and work on it a little things will lighten up a little. Thank you to everyone who responded.

More Answers

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Hmmmm, my first thought was that when you're hubby says "I really just want to relax this weekend but I guess I'll have to watch the kids, have fun", say "Ok--Bye--Gotta run!"....and GO. What type of grown man pitches a fit that his wife can't make it to a softball game? Sorry--to me that's crazy. You're busy, have things to do. Sit and watch your child's sport? Yes. Kid's baseball is like watching paint dry--but my son loves it and I love to watch him. But a man? Uh---too busy.
Don't feel guilty about your "me" time. Be protective of it! Sounds like he gets his.

1 mom found this helpful
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C.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

I am not handling it too good. My husband is always stressed which makes me stressed. My oldest child is in 5th grade and most nights he has 2 hrs of homework. He usually has a quiz and at least 1 test a week. So we are helping him study.
My two middle son is in 1st grade and has about 30 min of homework ea night. Plus he has twae kwon to twice a week. My nursery school daughter has her activities during the day.
We no longer have a cleaner so I am cleaning the house on a regular basis. My parents have not been to my house since May. I love my parents we are very close. My house is not as neat and organized as theirs. My parents can't help themselves and saying comments constantly about my disorganization. I know being neat does not come easy for me but I think I

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J.T.

answers from Victoria on

Sounds like your hubby dosen't know how to handle the kids. Can you get the kids a sitter while your running around? I try to go after the kids are in bed at 8. I have started to tell my hubby..."you can handle it". Because it might not be his favorite thing to do but you need a break. Also when my hubby starts whining about how difficult it was for him to watch the kids (were talking once amonth or less) i cut him off and tell him how much i appericiate him helping out and how much i really needed a break.

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J.P.

answers from Boise on

It sounds like you and your husband need to talk. If he wants to play softball, fine, but why do you have to go each time? You should be able to something outside the house too. If you need the money and you like what you are doing, a schedule needs to be made, and he may need to give up something too. I would look through your to do list as well, and see what you enjoy doing, what you need to do, and what you are doing out of duty, and maybe cut something out.

I understand as well, my husband always has "something" and will be gone all evening, but when I went to a birthday party on Saturday and only stayed 2 hours, it seemed like a big inconvenience. He was then gone for 3 hours on Sunday. I feel guilty , when I want to do something for me. My husband says I should, but then if I am 15 minutes later than he expects me, it seems to be a big deal. His events have no time restraints. I know that I also need to talk to him, but until my daughter will take a bottle from him, I have that restraint anyway.

Do what I say, not what I do. :)

J.H.

answers from San Antonio on

Ok, here is a phrase you need to learn to say without feeling guilty: "No."

Why are you in charge of getting the awards together for the pack meeting? Can't someone else do them? Are you really the only one that take of them? Ask your son's father to start picking him from practice...this will give you extra time without him, and give him extra time with him. (Some extra father son time never hurt anyone!)

And I agree with the other mother that says the next time your husband says "Fine, I'll take care of the kids..." then get in the car and leave before he has a chance to say anything else. Even if you just run up and get coffee and sit there and drink it, that'll be 20 minutes all to yourself.

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C.S.

answers from Jacksonville on

M.,
As has been stated before, YOU deserve 'me time'. Your hubby sounds a little hypocrital and selfish to some degree. Instead of your marraige being a partnership, it sounds more like boss and employee. (I'm sure he's not a bad guy but,... come on ,really? ) It's great he wants you at his games, but, your child needs the support more than hubby does. And why on earth would ya need to go to his practices,maybe he he gives you a little room, and once in a while the schedules work out where you can go to both games as a family. Work out some give and take with him, switch nights doing dinner and/or the dishes, bathing the kids, etc. Being a Dad wasn't just a convenience and I would hope that he doesn't want your children to grow up thinking that of him. This is his chance to shine and have great one on one time w/ the kids. Ask him what's so scary about that .
Maybe he feels inadequate about seeing after the kids by himself, but, there's no time like the present to learn and kids don't come with instructions. He might just have to wing it for a while,but, you do deserve a break, learn to say NO and mean it . As women ,it's hard for the nuture instinct to be ignored , but, you can't be there for everyone all the time and if you don't take care of you ,no one can do it for you. And, if you're feeling this way now, imagine 5 yrs from now, your relationship will suffer immensely and you'll be bitter . Make allowances, if he 's gone for 3 hrs you should be entitled to the same amt of time (might even curb his time away, if you get my drift) fair is fair. His time is no more important than yours is. And his kids need him as much as they need you. Being a parent is a full time commitment ,not just when it's convenient for you . Hope all works out well, (and hubby may find a happier wife, as in YOU, IF HE'LL JUST WORK WITH YOU), C. S.

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D.K.

answers from San Francisco on

I am sorry, but I couldn't follow the specifics. So my comments may not be correct. You have several issues here. First - work. You need to figure out what kind of work you want to do. There is nothing wrong with having a job that pays well until you figure out what you want. Once you figure that out then you figure out how to get there. Do you need extra training or just a different job? Schedules- I have a big grease calendar in the kitchen. Everyone has a different color and everyone's schedule is up there. It makes it easier to see who needs to go where and sometimes easier to see who takes who where. It sounds like you are also doing "work" that is not work related or home related. Sometimes you have to put boundaries on what you will and will not do. These outside activities can get out of control. You need to set the boundary. No need to go to your husband's softball game. He's a grown up. I would try to make a few because it's important to him, but certainly not all or even half. Also sounds like husband needs to pick up some slack at home. If you have a job that you like, pays well, and your home late. Too bad. He can help make things work in the house. Maybe a new concept for him and you will have to be blunt about it. Good luck!

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L.G.

answers from Austin on

Hey, I was at WOF, too! Wasn't it awesome!

Sounds like you and your husband need to reconnect. It's easy to get in the mode of comparing your role with your husband's. It's hard not to think it is unfair. Instead, try to find ways to compliment your husband when he does something for you. Ask about his softball game and how he did. Tell him how proud you are of a good play, for example.

Since money is tight, have a movie night at home. Once the kids go to bed, make some popcorn or favorite snack and pop in a DVD. Once you start to make time for your husband, he will see that he is not just a babysitter for you or a paycheck. Husbands can become less interested in helping if they feel that they are not appreciated and valued.

Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Men only need 3 things. When they have their needs met, they become more engaged in the marriage and family life - it's awesome! Of course there are exceptions - there are men who are unable to give and Dr. Laura talks about that on page 1.

Glad to hear you have some things off your plate. You don't have to give up all of the volunteer stuff as that can be fulfilling. And just keep telling yourself that your job is just temporary until the economy rebounds. We don't always get to have a job we enjoy so just be proud of the fact that you are helping the family. A lot of us are still looking for work. Maybe you will have the opportunity to be a SAHM again.

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