K.C.
You've gotten a lot of good advice already, but the key thing I see here which works is choices, choices, choices. My 3 year old daughter is the most strong willed child me or any of my relatives have ever seen. So I was at my wits end on how to deal with her and attended a parenting with Love and Logic class offered through my older son's school district. Wow - what a difference it has made in the quality of our lives. I don't yell anymore at them (well, I can't lie on rare occasions I still have). Their theory has many different aspects: 1. Give LOTS of choices to the child so that they can feel in control - white shirt or red shirt, socks first or shorts, brush teeth first or comb hair, banana or orange, fruit bar or bagel, Elmo plate or green plate - AND that is all of the decisions they need to make just before breakfast! 2. Give genuine empathy to the child before you deliver the consequence of their misbehavior - Uh oh, how sad that you decided to smash your banana instead of eat it, I was looking forward to eating a nice breakfast with you. And then you send them to their room (or carry them to their room) and tell them you'll see them when they are sweet. You can let them out when they really are sweet and calmed down and you are calm as well. 3. Have the child figure out how to solve their own problems - Mom, I can't find my new shoes. Your response would then be, well, what are you going to do about it? If they can't come up with solutions then ask if they want to hear what other kids have done and give them 3 solutions and their outcome 1) Don't wear shoes at all - but then once they got to the restaurant they had a sign that said no shirt, no shoes, no service so he couldn't go in and eat.2)Spend 20 minutes looking for the shoes they wanted, but then they got to the restaurant and ate later than they wanted so they had to miss their bedtime story cause they didn't have time 3) Pick another pair of shoes that are handy, they might not have matched but no one noticed and they got to the restaurant with plenty of time and got to have desert. After each choice then ask "How would that work for you". And then tell them good luck.
Okay, I just realized I really rambled on and on - but I seriously learned so much from the class I took. It taught me to be happier and calmer as a parent, and as a result my kids are happier too. Please go to their website loveandlogic.com and peruse through the books and CDs that they have and pick one up! I recommend the book specifically for toddlers.
One last note, I tried the sticker type chart with magnets for my daughter and it she couldn't have cared less. She didn't want rewards, she just wanted to be in control of her own destiny. Doesn't everyone?
Good luck ~ K.