How Do I Effectively Parent My Strong-willed, "Spirited" Daughter?

"I try giving choices, I try setting time limits, I try taking things away, I try rewards, I try talking / reasoning, everything, "

You are the parent. Say NO and mean it. Pick her up and put her in her room and shut the door. Tell her she can come out when she's ready to mind momma.

You might want to take some Love and Logic parenting classes so you can learn how to be the parent and not the person trying to talk a 3.5 year old child into minding you.

Not trying to be mean, just trying to say it sounds like she needs a swat on her hiney and to hear the word no more often.

This is not a mother daughter struggle. You have lost control. You just need to get it back and it might get worse before it gets better. The key is consistency. Get the book 1,2,3 magic. It works. If you follow through consistently. With the same reaction each time. She's three set the rules clearly in very short sentences. No screaming. And just no choices if there really isn't one. Get the book. Read it. It will help you.

I think we make a mistake when we ask our children to emulate behaviors because "it's right" or to have feelings before they are developmentally ready for it. For example, my nephew is trying to get his 2.5 year old to understand that Behavior X "gets Daddy very upset". But a 2.5 year old does not understand "upset" in someone else, and doesn't care. That's why I don't think it even makes sense for little kids to have to apologize - because they think it makes everything all better, like a "do-over".

I think that "reasoning" with a 3.5 year old is next to impossible - she has not reached the age of reason. And she may not be at the age where she can enjoy a structured class, like dance. Even if she enjoys it, once you throw off the balance by having the parents show up to dance, it's just confusing because it's not the same as what she has experienced up to this point.

So you aren't failing her. You have to stop beating up on yourself. You just have to back off and assess where she is at developmentally. All she really understands right now is what you allow, and what is fun for her vs. not fun. So if she talks back, hits, screams, has a tantrum, and so on - you separate her from you. You don't engage in a big long discussion about why that's "not nice" or how it makes you feel - because she's not "there" yet. You remove her from the situation, pure and simple. She gets put in her room or removed from the play date or whatever. You make a simple statement like "No hitting" or "no screaming", but not a big narrative on why it's annoying or insulting or hurtful. If you are incredibly consistent, and willing to endure inconvenience, she will learn what is allowed and what is not. She will learn, and pretty quickly too, that a tantrum or hitting puts her by herself. You disengage from her, you don't participate in the tantrum by trying to get her to stop. You deprive of her the attention she wants, the audience, or the human punching bag.

I don't find that a "time out" chair works well, because you have to engage with them to keep them in it. We just always put my son in his room. If it got ugly or repetitive, we took out certain toys (but always left comfort items like stuffed animals or his special blanket). If we were out, we left the location - the park, a play date, a restaurant, a store. It's often inconvenient, but it's extremely effective. Nothing's worse for a kid that getting stuck in the car seat and leaving the fun activity. If he was fussing to have me buy donuts or a toy when we were out to do errands, he got a warning, and if that didn't work, we left. On more than one occasion, I left a shopping cart half full of stuff! But it worked! (If I was in a supermarket, I told a manager I had to deal with a tantrum, and I was leaving my cart over here, and was that okay, that I'd be back in 10 minutes.) Then out my kid went, into the carseat, no talking from me once he was there. He was restrained, and bored. If I could (if weather was decent), I put him in and stood outside the car, sort of where he could see me so he wasn't afraid but far enough that I couldn't hear his tantrum. It's incredibly effective. If I wasn't in a store, I took him all the way home. If a store, then I would try to go back and finish the errand - if not, I called the manager and said I wasn't coming back and I was so sorry, and alerted them to please put away the perishables. It didn't happen often, I can tell you that.

You have to separate what MUST happen (her behavior must change) from what you would LIKE to have happen (that she would understand it all, be compassionate, etc.). So you go for the first, and wait for the 2nd to happen when she is older.

Once a kid sees that you mean business - and if you have a key phrase you use, that helps - then they straighten up. But don't quit, don't give in. Use the same phrase - count to 3 or say "if you keep screaming, we are leaving" or "You will go to your room until you can talk to me without hitting/screaming." Then do it, and go breathe for 10 minutes.

Good luck!

Maybe you've tried too many things. I would just be consistent.

I have to admit, I never tried reasoning with my toddlers/preschoolers. I never felt bad for it. I'm the mom. So I just had rules. If my child acted like that, they had downtime. Didn't have to be a time out. If mine were like that, then it was either a) tired b) hungry c) too long at the activity (past the everyone's happy stage).

Or they could just be acting 3 years of age.

I have a picture in my house of a family portrait day. The one picture I have of our 3 year old at the time is of her sulking lip out. Framed up on our wall. She had had it with us and that's all we got out of her. Three year olds have little patience.

I didn't do taking things away, limits, rewards ... If they behave, we stay. If not, we leave.

Or if they are rude/mean/nasty - you do not get to join in. Do that a few times. They get it.

Good luck :)

Some kids skip the terrible twos and have a prolonged terrible threes period.
It's totally normal - and really - most DO grow out of it!
Her dance class might have been a sudden stage fright attack.
Same thing happened with our son when they (Little Gym) had a last class show-all-the-parents-what-you-can-do thing.
With all the extra grownups around and all the cameras - he just suddenly got shy and would NOT leave my lap no matter what.
He's 17 now, performs on stage with the band, has no difficulty with public speaking.

Don't try so much.
Keep things simple - she's three.
When you give her choices, make sure both answers are ones you can live with.
'Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?'.
Not wearing any shirt at all is NOT an option!

Find quiet ways to enjoy her.
Ours was reading together - and story time was something he NEVER wanted to miss.

Before you try to do anything with your daughter, make sure she's well rested and fed.
Hungry tired kids are a sure recipe for a meltdown.
If she's not rested and won't eat - then stay home - don't even ATTEMPT an outing.
If she has a meltdown at the playground - pick her up, haul her off, and go home - playground is over - and she can pitch her fit in her room.
No one else needs to hear her have a fit.
She can come out when she's finished.

Do the same thing Every Time.
Eventually, she'll learn to manage herself a little bit better if she wants the fun to continue.

If it makes you feel any better - 4 yrs old is a whole new ball game!

First, you need perspective on this, which is hard to have when you have never parented through to adulthood. I recall having similar worries about things which in hindsight I know were trivial.

She is only 3.5 years old. If she doesn't want to dance, don't sweat it, just join her on the floor. She is getting WAY too much attention for negative behavior. Try positive discipline. Essentially - reward the positive, IGNORE the negative. Try to be more lighthearted about this. Remember, her strong will will serve her well in the future -- it's highly unlikely your daughter will allow herself to be abused by a boyfriend, for example.

Find what's enjoyable about her, and enjoy it. There are worse things than a strong-willed child. You are not failing her. She's fine. She has many positive qualities. Stop battling with her, and start figuring out the positive aspects of her spunky personality.

Dance schmance. You haven't failed her, she's awesome. I LOVE a 3-1/2 year old who helps to pick my outfit. What a cool kid you have.

poor mama.
you sound exhausted and frustrated, and no wonder. taking your one example, you're wearing yourself out trying to coax your amazing little toughie into compliance, and she's pushing back every bit as hard.
pick. your. battles.
who care if she dances? who's going to be hurt if you dance and laugh and have yourself a big time dancing by yourself and with the other kids, and she sits and watches? are you worried about what the other mothers will think? i tell you true, if you are relaxed and let your little girl have the choice to participate or not, no one will care, and if they do, you won't care about them.
trying a million things to try and entice her in was sweet of you but exactly the wrong tack.
she can't have choices in everything. not even in most things. she's 3. but she can have them in some, and it's not really a choice if you let her 'choose' then flail about desperately trying to manipulate her into choosing what YOU want her to choose.
cherish this stubborn streak. think about her in 12 years, with a host of ghouls around her trying to get her to take a snort or a swig or to loosen her jeans, and that fighting spirit in her telling them all to take a flying somethingorother into the nearest mud puddle.
you need to learn when to insist, and how to completely back off at all the other times. when it's time to go her preschool she has to go, but if she wants to wear pj bottoms with a sparkly tutu and snow boots, pack her a change of clothes and go with it.
if she refuses to eat a meal, let her. she won't starve.
banish her from your presence when she's mean or mouthy.
reward less, and reason with her not at all. she's not really yet to the age of reason. a calm no surrender 'you may not' is far more effective than all the pleading and explaining and bargaining.
no shame in taking a class about how to parent a strong-willed child. there are lots of resources these days.
good luck, and congratulations on your tough, resilient little warrior. she's the type of kid who can change the world.
hopefully for the good<G>.
khairete
S.

I'll keep the answer brief because I should be working but here goes:

1) You're not alone. Age 3.5 is often the apex of horrible behavior for children. My oldest and middle sons were total monsters at this age. Seriously, I thought my oldest son was going to grow up to be a sociopath and took him to a psychologist. Turns out, it was just being three-and-a-half. He was noticeably more pleasant around his 4th birthday and is now a few weeks away from turning 18 and I can honestly say that I really enjoy his company. He's a delight!

2) A couple of excellent book recommendations - Raising Your Spirited Child and The Kadzin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child. The first book will have you weeping relief that it's not just your child and you're not just imagining how strong her personality is - some kids really are "more" of everything...cry more, cry longer and louder, more stubborn, more passionate, more energetic. It's real. And understanding her temperament will be a game changer - once I understood what the world looked like through my little boy's eyes, I could better anticipate what would set him off and mitigate it.

The second book will give you concrete ways for managing the behavior of the "more" child because methods that work for many children really don't work for them. But there are things that work and this book will take you through them.

3) She might outgrow this, or you may find that a few years from now, you're having a neuro-psych or educational evaluation done for sensory processing disorder, ADHD, oppostional defiant disorder, or other things. Many of us with kids who had ADHD, learning or behavior problems can look back in time and say "I knew something was off when he was 3" or "she has been challenging since birth." That doesn't mean that anything can or should be diagnosed now, but keep some notes on this and be open to the idea that sometimes, these very strong toddler/preschool behavior challenges are a precursor to other issues that you'll deal with if/when they crop up later. Also know that she may very well just outgrow this and have no lingering issues in the future. In any case...really nothing to do now but learn more about her temperament and how to manage behavior in a way that fits her personality. Figuring out if there is something else going on will come out in due time, usually when a child is in elementary school.

Best wishes to you - it really does get better!

There are books about spirited and highly sensitive children. You might get good tips from them. You are far from alone. Something I would consider is giving her 2 choices so she gets choice, but your choices. If she doesn't choose, then it's your choice or nothing. If she's 3.5 and not really participating in dance, pull her out for a while. My DD was in a class where the kids ranged 3.5-6 and some of the little ones just weren't ready for it. I told my own DD that she participated or she didn't do class anymore and waste people's time. I found 4 yrs old to be harder than 2, so some of it may be 4 yr oldish behavior.

Also, if you find yourself in a battle, consider just not engaging. If you're home and she screams, turn off the TV, take the remote and walk away. Don't reason. Don't cajole. Don't rationalize. She did x and you do y. Every time. Sometimes with kids like this less is more.

You are not being a bad mom but you do need some guidance. Seek out parenting groups, groups, other moms ( like you are doing here).

My 21yr old has always been a string willed girl. For starters you never want to squash that quality... Be,I've me you'll love it when she's older and feels comfortable enough in her own skin to stand up for herself, speak up, etc.

It was never a piece of cake. Your daughter is a little young but my daughter excelled in martial arts. She's a black belt and the training is not all self defense, it's akso self control and learning who you are as a person.

Your daughter is just 3, part of this behavior can simply be some terrible 3's. Give her choices, empower her to make some decisions and be a part of the team.

Best wishes

I'm so sorry that you are feeling defeated.

What I'm learning in life is that we have choices. We have choices about how we allow things to impact us and choices about how we handle situations. Here's my first thought. Why does it matter if she doesn't want to dance on parent day? In the future, i'd allow her to sit there and not participate if she chooses. Who cares!?!?! In the grand scheme of things, that's not a a battle I would choose to fight.

It sounds like you are getting into a power struggle with her over lots of different scenarios. I would try and minimize that as much as possible. Choose your battles. Stop caring what other people think and just do what feels best for you and your daughter. There ARE rules and expectations and it's important that she follow those. But, if you're struggling back and forth over minute things, you are reinforcing the battle.

Does she have a sticker chart or some type of behavior chart? If not, start one. Reinforce her with stickers, let her earn cool things. like special time with mom.

i would stop stressing over it, she is only three. take a long look at your routine and hers, it seems kind of telling that she was so happy hanging out with just you but as soon as other people were stired in her attitude fliped like a swich. it sounds like she needs more mommy and me time. ask yourself too, are you on the go to much, is she over stimulated? also, is there any compromize involved in these choices, and do you find yourself yelling and saying no more than not? your best weapon is in teaching by example,
patience gets you patience, respect gets you respected, and so on. untill they get older and can understand the do as i say explanation, its all you have.

You already have many great answers. I just want to tell you that my oldest daughter was, and is, extremely strong-willed, stubborn, tenacious, whatever you want to call it. She is an adult now and it has served her well. Strong-willed girls are a blessing. You truly need to think about the things that are really important to you and which are not. Fight to the death for the important things and let the other go. It's not worth the fight (your example of her not dancing - we had that scenario many times over the years - it becomes funny after time goes by. Good Luck!

I agree with other posters to get the book 1-2-3 Magic. Not only will it give you the tools to deal with your child's unlovely behavior (which by the way, is pretty typical at this age, but that doesn't mean it is OK) AND will offer you some relief because it teaches you not to make it your personal problem each time your kid acts like a twit (especially in public). It will also curb the "I tried a million things to get her to join, but she just refused." Guess what, that's why she does what she does :) If you would have simply ignored her and had your own great time dancing, not only would that have relieved your stress a ton, it would have stopped feeding the "monster" behavior you are seeing.

Also, I would ask if your kid is doing too much - dance at 3.5 works great for some kids but not other. Is that coupled with a couple of play dates, full time pre-school, or a couple of other things? Some kids get overloaded really easy, which can lead to meltdown behaviors pretty quickly. Maybe she isn't involved with anything else . . . just a thought.

Good luck - and remember "this, too, shall pass."

One of my kids is extremely strong willed. I have read ALL the books and websites! This kid...he has caused me so many grey hairs! You have some great answers below. Don't sweat the small stuff...try to keep a sense of humor. 1-2-3 Magic the book is helpful but you will get to three and then have to give the consequences many many times if your daughter is like my son. This then leads to screaming fits until they exhaust themselves. Reward the good behavior and ignore the bad behavior is also good advice...don't give attention to that bad behavior. My son also would often refuse to do his activity once we got there. Yes, it is annoying. You are in this for the long haul and kids like this take a lot more work. I have learned through my son's therapist (he started going in 4th grade and it has been very helpful) to not take his behavior personally. At age 3.5 my son could be incredibly impossible and different than other kids. I agree with you...don't give in to your child's demands. Be firm but calm about things. Yet at the same time pick your battles...you have to let some things go with a kid like this. My other advice is to work on keeping your bond with your child. They will push you so hard that you will feel angry with them. It's important to do things they enjoy together and bond. I really saw this when my son was older though...so I guess this is advice for the future. My son is in 6th grade now and is almost 12. His strong personality is serving him well now...he is very passionate about certain things and is very talented in what he is passionate about. He is in an all advanced academics school. He started getting much more mature the last 2 years and this year I see so much improvement in him. With maturity comes self control with his strong emotions...he does not feel like he always has to win. He can talk to me about these feeling now whereas when he was 3.5 he was not in control and could not! He makes me laugh and impresses me with his interest in creating music and computer animations. Hang in there!!!

Welcome to the terrifying threes. They are so much worse than the terrible twos. Both how my kids were very unpleasant at 3. Keep doing what you are doing. We had lots of time outs during the threes. Most of them were for Mommy.

consistency paired with picking your battles

I have an extremely strong willed 10 yr old girl. What you did at the the dance was good BUT you "tried a million things". That is where you went wrong with a strong willed child. Engage her and if she refuses then leave her be or you could of also left.

3.5 is an evil age and if your lucky she will outgrow it. Mine has gotten better but she is still a glass is half empty kid, unreasonable, push buttons type of a kid.

While I wish she was more pleasant at home and to her family, she gets praises from her teachers. She's constantly being praised from outsiders about what a wonderful child she is. So to me, I'll take these compliments and reward her and praise her then we laugh over ice cream about how different she is at home compared to school.

Best of luck and don't stop being consistent

also to add; there have been times I'm just too exhausted to discipline her or just need a break from her so I'll tell her to go to her room till I can think of a consequence or go to your room cause we need a break from each other. There is nothing wrong with telling your child this.

Best wishes

We sought the help of a behavioral psychologist to help us parent our spirited boy. In addition to offering limited choices we could live with and offering simple positively worded corrections ir instead of saying don't jump on the sofa say sofas are for sitting. You can jump outside. He also counseled aiming for more positive interactions and appropriate praise, thanks and encouagement. Your kid has got to be interested and invested in you enough to want to listen to you and please you.

Best of luck
F. B..

I didn't read through all the answers, but I can tell you that my son was at his absolute worst at 3 1/2 years old. Forget the "terrible twos". He would have done the exact same thing your daughter did at her dance class. I would take him to special events like that and he would flat-out refuse to participate or act poorly. It could be very embarrassing and frustrating. I did time-outs, which would help somewhat, and count-downs (We're leaving in 10 minutes, we're leaving in 5 minutes, we're leaving in 2 minutes, etc. so there were no tantrums when we finally left something fun, like the playground). Eventually, maturity won out, at around 41/2 years old. He can still be strong-willed, but is generally well behaved and knows exactly how far he can go in challenging me(for now - not looking forward to those teenage years). But I completely know where you're coming from. Best of luck!

Your title pulled me in right away.
My son is "spirited" and has made me question my abilities as a mom since he was very little. We have been in counseling a few times, this last time the longest but I was honestly at my wits end. I have been criticized by everyone from family, to my husband , friends and opinions s here about how I was handling it. I have tried everything I felt, have been consistent etc our son would RAGE, throw fits, scream, hit walls and doors, look right at us and say no, he's not going to do it etc.
This time through counseling she/we focused on staying calm and consistent. And choices and consequences. At 3.5 she can understand if she chooses to do....XYZ her consequence is this. Every time.some things can warrant a reminder, if you choose to do that you're choosing. ....(insert consequence) but things like hitting, kicking,biting is an immediate. Every time. For talking back, yelling we now say until you choose speak nicely to me, I am not talking with you. And stick to it. It's hard. It's been really hard, our son is almost 8. But things are getting much better. Love and Logic is a similar theory, but didn't work well for us. The choices and consequence has been huge. Our counselor had us watch a video about it, and it was great. It drives home the idea that they are going to be faced with choices and consequences their whole lives and it's much better that they learn to make good choices now, when the consequences are much smaller.
I'm not trying get to seem lime I know it all lol but the word spirited hits home for me. We have seen our counselor weekly for 6 months now and its helped immensely. She also restored my broken spirit as a mom, telling me it's not my fault and I was trying my best. Some kids are just so darn tough. My oldest and youngest are NOTHING like this! Feel free to message me,I know how you feel! Hang in there!

Hi C.,

1. be very careful to pick your battles with her. If you decide it's one that needs to be addressed, for example if she's running into the street or in a parking lot, then you have to prevail and teach her not to do it and why she can't. If you decide she can have agency in a safe environment, for example if she running around in the mall commons and you're keeping watch over her, then let her run her agenda until it's time to go.

2. buy and read cover to cover Love and Logic. It was one resource I returned to time and time again and she's old enough to benefit from these techniques. Never give her a choice you can't live with and never give her more than two...more than that and it's extremely anxiety provoking.

3. She sounds really smart. I say have her IQ tested in a year or two and find out not just how smart she is but how she processes her world and solves her problems. If she's very abstract and you're very concrete in your approach to the world, this could cause some of the tension in your relationship.

4. Never forget, you're the parent. You're not the friend. Yes you can have fun with her but she's much too young to have to structure her own environment. That's your job and to expect her to do it is unrealistic to say the least.

5. Stop "trying everything." stick to one approach and stick to it long enough for her to start to feel secure in her world and with you. Predictability is CRUCIAL for kids this age.

lastly, I agree her temperament will serve her well in adulthood. your job is to help get her there with both of you mostly unscathed.

keep loving her, clearly you are a devoted mom.

okay so that was more like 5 cents. S.