Strong Willed Daughter Wearing Me Down

My dd is very strong as well. I've learned how to negotiate..."If you do this, you can have that", or get this done now, and you can watch TV till bedtime, etc.

This has worked for me, at least she feels like she's getting some of the things she wants. When she's really out of line, I get my husband involved...he has a much stronger back bone than me....sometimes just saying "I'm going to tell Dad about this" is enough to keep her in line.

It's a tough age, they have difficult social situations with their friends at school and they bring home the anger from there, but they displace it by yelling at their mom and dad.

You are not the only one. I could have written this post myself. I have struggled with my oldest, also a 10 yr old girl since she was a toddler. I have always loved her, but have not always liked her. Like your daughter, she tries to fight me on every issue just for the sake of fighting.

Love and Logic works well for me when I'm consistent. Consistency is key. When I back off, she jumps all over it and tries to gain the upper hand. I like L&L for the natural consequences. I like the one-liners. I especially use "probably so" when my daughter starts getting verbally abusive. She was in a frenzy last night because her pajamas were in the dryer when she was wanted to put them on. She started yelling that I "never do anything" and that "I can't even get the laundry done on time". Instead of arguing with her that I didn't get the clothes in the dryer because I was running her to her after school activities all afternoon, I just said "probably so". She tried a few more times and I kept repeating "probably so" in a very calm, indifferent manner. It takes two to argue, so don't be the other half of the equation.

One big factor in my daughter's behavior is the amount of sleep she gets. She is very hard to get to settle down at night and rarely gets enough sleep. When she does, it makes a huge difference. If you can, move your daughter's bedtime up by half an hour and see if it helps.

As for dealing with the negative feelings....when I start to feel annoyed, aggravated, resentful etc...towards my daughter I try to create some space between us. I ask my mom to pick her up from school the next day so they can have an outing and I can get a break. If it's a weekend, I get out by myself for awhile. Or sometimes, believe it or not, spending more quality time together helps. She is on her best behavior when she gets one-on-one time with me. She loves when we can play a game together, or snuggle in my bed and watch HGTV, or especially when we can have a "girls night out" and go shopping and maybe to dinner just the two of us. I try to focus on her positive qualities and that helps too.

Take things one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. It can be a roller coaster.

Best wishes!

You're not alone! I have a very energetic, sweet 11 year old that tries every nerve I have! She doesn't yell or argue, she just "negotiates" or ignores me. She's always trying to negotiate and it drives me CRAZY!

I'll say "please empty the dishwasher" and she'll say "can I just do the top rack, not the bottom?"

ACK! I don't want to negotiate with her about emptying the dishwasher! I just want the dishwasher emptied because it's her job! Everything I ask of her she's got some kind of negotiation. If she gets to go to a friend's house she's then asking to spend the night. If I offer to buy her a scoop ice cream, she wants two scoops. You're right, you give her an inch, she wants a mile.

The only handling I've had is I sit her down and tell her the truth. I tell her that I'm not her jailer or her boss, I'm her mother and we are in this family together. I'm asking her to do chores because I need her help. If she tries to do less than her chores, then I have to take up HER slack. Is that fair?

I also tell her that when I offer to buy her something, I am offering her the amount that I think is the right amount either because of the cost, or the calories or the sugar, or the amount she needs. She needs to TRUST that if I wanted her to have more, I would have offered it.

As far as friend's houses, I tell her she is welcome to ask, but if I say "no" then the case is closed. Any more negotiation means she is in danger of not going at all.

Being honest with her seems to help the most. I have to have these talks with her often, but things always improve for a long time after. I think because she is older, she can see that we are on the same side and that I have reasons for what I do. It seems to work better than yelling or just being aggravated or mad. When I am aggravated or mad, it puts us on different sides, which then makes it easy for her to negotiate or argue. When we're on the same side--who can argue with that?

Good luck! Your tween is finding her way into adulthood.

(I also notice that I am the only one she negotiates with. I take it as a sign that she is comfortable enough with my love to know that I will love her no matter what.)

She's a Tween. A Pre-Teen. Tweens are from the ages of 9-12.
Google Search "Tween girl development."
And read it.

I have a 10 year old.
But all her life, I always tried to nurture a good relationship with her... so that, once she became this age and older, we would have a good relationship already.
This does not mean being a "buddy." But being a Mom... that she feels good about and can be open with, and knows... that I accept her for who she is.
And we are, close.
But sure, even great kids can push our buttons.
At least for me and my daughter, we chat often. I like to know her feelings and thoughts. I don't judge her. But I guide, her.

Growing up, my Mom was very, non-nurturing. She didn't even "connect" with her kids. She was cold and punitive. That did not nurture a positive relationship with us. So, instead, we were close with our Dad.
And my older sibling, had BATTLES with my Mom, ALL HER LIFE. Even now as an adult. They do not have a nice foundation of a relationship.
Even when I was a kid, I told myself, I would not do that, to my own child.
And I remember that.
But the reason they do not get along nor are close is because: my Mom just never could accept my sibling for who she was, nor believe in her. At all. Even though, she is highly smart and highly successful. My Mom can just never be positive or motherly, with her. They do not... like... each... other. At all.
And, even as an adult... this sibling will say how she hates... how our Mom treated her or treats her.

So that is just my experience as a kid and now, as a Mom myself.
And how it can affect kids and their relationship with their Mom.

A child... KNOWS when their own Mom, does not "like" them.
My sibling knew.
She'd always say "Mom, doesn't like me."
And she still does. Even as a grown adult.
It has left their relationship, sour. Always.
They did not, "bond."
My Mom, never "bonded" with my sibling.

A child, knows when their Mom resents them.
My Mom, never did "like" my sibling's personality... which was and is, VERY strong willed and just very very strong, and sure, not pleasant.
As such, my Mom was not close to her. And my sibling, felt it.
That alone, affected her and how she "got along" with my Mom or not.
The thing is, sure a kid goes through many phases and age related phases... but, a key thing with any child is, if they do not feel loved or accepted or "liked" or if they feel resented... it affects them and their emotions and relationships.
Because my sibling had a conflicted relationship with my Mom, her Teen years were turbulent... and she sought, negative friends and relationships just for attention. But it did not, make her feel, "accepted" even with outside the family, friends.
So keep that, in mind.
No matter how difficult a child may be... they still need their Mom. Some more desperately than others.
And, they need to know, that their Mom loves them, no matter what or no matter how icky they might be.

How about you just be honest with her?
Meaning, telling her you are a Mom and you love her endlessly... but you are human and you don't know everything. But if she can "help" you... by chatting and you and her do things that she likes etc. Tell her that always "debating" everything with her, is futile. She doesn't have to prove anything to you. (my sibling was like that to my Mom, I know what you mean). My sibling, never got over the "habit" of having to debate my Mom and PROVING she was good with everything. And yes, it is exhausting.
At a certain point, there has to be an admittance, of it. Both of you.
And "why" does your daughter always feel... she has to always prove herself to you????

Why not just tell her, it is annoying??? And its like walking on eggshells?
And why can't the both of you just talk like normal people to each other?

I know for my sibling... my Mom just always gave the "vibe" that nothing she did was good enough. Even if she was highly decorated as a student and as a professional in her career.
My Mom never really even hugged my sibling nor even told her "I love you" verbally. And when or if she did, my Mom sounded perfunctory about it, and like it was rehearsed. Not warm and fuzzy. My sibling when younger, even told my Mom, she WISHED she had a warm and fuzzy Mom... who hugged her etc.

Just some examples.

I have a strong-willed child and had to read Dr. Dobson's books (Parenting Isn't for Cowards, The Strong-Willed Child, and Dare to Discipline) in succession for years while my daughter was growing up. Yes, I too, didn't like my daughter sometimes. But if you continue to work on being calm and stating the consequences as if it doesn't even affect you, it will become easier. When you feel the "temperature" rising in your mind, shift gears. Walk away, put on some headphones and good music, pick up a book or magazine, etc. Plan ahead for those really stressful moments. Visualize yourself maintaining control. Then feel good about your success. I had to learn to keep my volume down. Once I did, it got easier and easier.

Instead of asking her outright to do something (it's really hard for her to hear that), ask when she could do it. It's frustrating to not get it done immediately, but I learned it was better than battling. e.g. "Our friends are coming over this Saturday. When can you clean your room?" Then when she cleans it, take her out for an ice cream or something. (Don't tell her ahead of time.) Just find a reward - anything from a hug to a little date. Talk about how much you appreciate her cleaning when you know she hates having to do it. Don't bring up anything about her stubbornness or rudeness, etc. She has to learn there are better consequences for good behavior.

If something needs to be done right away, give her a choice. "Just wondering, do you want to unload the dishwasher first or put your clothes in the laundry room?" Would you rather do it right now or wait 5 minutes? She just NEEDS to have some control. It's how she is wired.

Be sure to add some fun things to do with her from time to time. Laugh. It helps to remind you how much fun it is to have a daughter. She desperately needs to know that you still love her. Find things about her in which to compliment her.

When she really acts out as a teenager - yells, screams, slams doors, etc. you can gut her room and make her earn back her stuff. Worked like a charm! My daughter finally quit the nasty behavior. She was 16.

Hang in there. I now have a friend in my 25-year-old.

I think you need to spend time with her away from the daily grind when you are telling her to do homework, pick up your stuff etc. I suggest every night when it is her bed time to go in her room, turn out the lights and just talk. Ask her about her day, tell her about your day. I have such fond memories of doing this with my now 14 yo daughter. I think you will be amazed how much you learn about your daughter when you actually have the time to get to know her on a different level. I am still amazed of the things my girls tell me when there is no pressure or distractions from everyday life.

My son is almost 10 and I'm seeing the beginning of the wild mood swings.
I think you just hang tough, make sure she knows what's expected of her (rules, chores, etc) and follow through consistently.

Have you heard the expression you spend the first year trying to get them to talk, then the next 17 years trying to get them to shut up!?

I've always encouraged my son to think independently, then it kind if bites ya in the butt for a few years!

First of all, limit the things you ask her to do, to things that are necessary. Much of what we yak at our kids about isn't worth the battle.

Second, have a talk with your husband, and make sure he's on board with you. Having a husband who will sternly back you up, "Do what your mother asked you to do!" is hugely effective. Where is your husband at bedtime? Why are you doing this all alone?

From my experience, I can tell you that if you ARE doing it all alone at bedtime, it is worth getting husband on board with helping you now, so that you don't resent him later on. Men have a lot of power, if and when they choose to use it. Most kids give mom a harder time than they do to dad, probably because they are sure of our love.

Also, get some consequences in place, and be CONSISTENT. If she gives you grief over something instead of doing it, give her the consequence. FIRST TIME. She will stop playing devil's advocate then.

Look on the bright side... You are in normal city for a tween!! Remember... To her , you can do nothing correctly and if you say the sky is blue she will debate you.

It's HARD going through this stage. They hate mom, they hate dad, friends are not what they want, etc.

It all balances out.... In the end all she wants is to know you love her, you have her back ( no matter what) and you are there for her.

This is a critical time to make sure all communication lines are wide open. She will need you, especially your listening ear soon enough. You can't listen enough!!!

Best wishes

Most of what is bothering you is that she's 10 and starting to come into those tween years. They're generally a pain in the behind around that time anyway. I admire your honesty with this post. It's okay, we all feel this way from time to time They can be draining at this age. As my dad used to say, "this too shall pass". That one phrase has carried me...

I suggest two reasons for this conflict. First, and maybe the most important one is that you've become emotionally involved in getting her to mind. Try to find a way to emotionally disconnect from the way she responds. The second reason is that she's able to push your buttons because you were once a girl like her. You have unresolved issues from your childhood and these are the buttons she's pushing.

Men often have an easier time with girls because they were never girls with girl issues and because they have an easier time remaining more neutral in expecting results. They state what they want and they give a consequence when it's not done in a calm and unemotional manner. When they do get upset, they express anger in a direct and masculine way. The feel confident that their child will behave. Mothers tend to feel guilty, as you suggested, perhaps become angry so that they won't cry, and their emotional way of issuing the consequence is anger combined with other emotions.

I adopted a special needs foster daughter after fostering her. She was a high needs child and would've been difficult even without her early experiences. Now I'm a grandmother to her 3 children. I can do much better with the grandchildren because I've spent years in counseling learning how to deal with my own issues that gave me hot buttons. My daughter and I are getting along well in part because I learned how to relate with her in a less emotional manner. As I became less emotionally involved she became less angry. I had less buttons for her to push. I also learned how to recognize and set healthy boundaries. As she was growing up my boundaries were not so firm.

I don't know how to describe my process in such a small space. What I do know is that counseling can help you feel better about yourself and your daughter as well as help you to learn how to separate yourself from your daughter's behavior so that you'll be less emotionally involved with giving directions and consequences.

I know just how you feel!! My daughter is 13 and the last 6 - 8 months have been hell. She is a wonderful student, friend, and extended family member, but when it comes to me she could not be meaner. 90% of the time she argues, does nothing I ask, talks meanly to me when she does bother to speak to me, and is so frustrating!!!!!!!!!!

It has been a roller coaster for me. I have tried being nice no matter how she behaves, I have tried being hard core and strict, we went to a counselor, I even left her with my parents for part of the summer to get away from the hostility. Nothing has worked well. I wish I had the answer!!

I have come to the conclusion that we all make choices. I am choosing to try and be happy, firm, and calm. She can choose her attitude, but the consequences may not be to her liking. Some kids have to learn the hard way I guess.

I wish there was an easy answer, I will check the future posts and see if anyone has advice I can use!

I'm glad I'm not the only one :)

I suggest you get that kid some good hard exercise. Then I suggest that you sit her down and tell her how very much you love her. Tell her about the day she was born. Tell her how she took your breath away when you first saw that beautiful baby. Tell her how very much it hurts your feelings when she constantly disagrees. Tell her you want to enjoy her not to argue with her all the time. Then tell her that if this continues you will have to think up some heavier consequences.

There has come a time in nearly every one of my kids' lives when I have had to do the good old black out. I begin by taking something simple and just continue to take until the behavior changes. I don't give it back right away. I keep the stuff for at least a month and sometimes longer. Sometimes they never get it back. My oldest got herself in such trouble with her mouth that she lost iPod, internet, TV, favorite blanket, had to eat just peanut butter sandwiches for lunch and supper, lost favorite books, and the straw the broke the camel........ she was about to loose her mattress. Finally she stopped being lippy. Some of those items weren't returned to her for months. I don't do lippy in my house. I want to enjoy being around them.

She need a good ole fashion spanking and you wont have this problem anymore.

**Big Hugs**

My 7 yr old is a "the glass is half empty" kid, my other 3 kids are "the glass is half full".

Consistency is HUGE. My daughter also responds to her Teacher. If I'm having a tough time, I call her Teacher or just threaten and she shapes up. The Teacher will have a talk with her about respect if I ask her too.

I try to be as positive and joke a lot when my daughter gets in her mood. She does get sent to her room a lot or I go to a different room.

There is nothing wrong with telling your daughter that you love her but don't like when she does abc. Sometimes I will just grab her and hug her and give her lots of kisses, that seems to not make her mood last as long.

At my daughters 7 yr checkup, I told the Dr that when she is a tween, either I or she will need to be medicated, lol.

My daughter is very respectful and kind to everyone outside the home at least. So that gives me hope that one day things will be better at home.

Hang in there and know that you are not alone.

Best wishes to you! I have a 12 year old. We are going through the same thing together!

You are bringing back some memories!! :o LOL However, and this is a big one, my DD is 5 yrs old, yet shows these same issues.. her are not pre-pubescent, which your DD may be. That said:

There is something called "Parent-Child Interaction Therapy", PCIT, that helped us to break the cycle of daily downward spiral.. Perfect angelic attitude and actions at church or school, but man, when DD got home, all heck broke loose - up to and including she, at 5, hitting me, threatening to hit me, destroying things in her room when she is in time out,etc, etc.

PCIT and therapy helped us break the cycle. Short synopsis: 10-20 mins/day child directed play, every single day, parent stays silent or echos back what the child is saying, but, and this is the money action: the parents are FORBIDDEN from directing. That means no "wouldn't you like to do blah?", "what about blah?", "I like the blah colored one". Nothing that even HINTS at direction. All child directed. All of it. Period.. Get it? :)

The child gets to be the sole power holder for those minutes that are his/hers. Anything, that is, except video games, no tv, no electronics of any sort. Only parent child INTERACTION, board games, crafts, coloring, etc. The child is dying to be heard, to be the leader (hence the power struggle - I am paraphrasing the technique.. not exactly sure that is the reason, but it was presented as such).

And, when the child does have the hissy fit, attend the child WITHOUT ANY EMOTION. This is key. The child (my child :) just knoooooows how to push my buttons. We had to work on getting us on the same page, both working together as a team, get soem cooperation. Our DD has weeks, sometimes a month where we are all golden... we are currently working thru a regression.. But, this is MY FAULT, Im sure.. I forget to help her help herself, and fall back into my ingrained pattern of being the 'dominant' mom (which worked w/ me and my parents, and has worked w/ our older daughter, but not with our youngest). *I* need to revisit the program to remember to attend her power struggles, not with more power but with a 'how can I help you help yourself?' attitude.

Good luck and let me know how it goes! Look up PCIT therapy on the internet... ;)

Jude