Finding Someone Who Actually Understands and Doesn't Judge

Just yesterday I talked to a mom who said her oldest son displayed that kind of behavior at 3 1/2. They later found out that he was super sensative to artifitial adatives and preservatives in foods. He is 7 now and is doing great, but she said a single M&M makes that behavior come back. I would look into food sensativity.

I'm sorry you have so much on your plate. Your 3y attitude and actions sound exactly how mine son was at 3y. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I cried all the time. Every hour was a literal struggle and screaming match. I thought 'this isn't how its supposed to be!'

Four things helped me rewire my relationship with my son.
1. Food. My son's attitude was like a dimmer light switch. One second sweet angel, the next second he would build up to a blow up! I began to notice the signs. As he would start a blowup, I would say one time loudly 'Stop!'. When I had his attention I would invite him to the kitchen for a healthy snack and juice with me. We would sit there eating our snack, no talking. Then when he was about done I would ask him about his blowup or what-have-you. Keeping his sugar level in check was key during the day.

2. Picking battles. If you know that you can't take them out to eat, order in. Keep your table manner expectations the same at home as you would in a restaurant.

3. Post the punishments. The school uses the stoplight system. Every day the child starts on green. If they misbehave 2x they move to yellow. Listed on yellow is the punishment - no tv, no treats, etc. If they keep acting out they move to red - early bedtime, etc.

4. Ignore. When he would act out, I would stop what we were doing and walk away. When he'd ask 'why?' I'd tell him that he wasn't being nice and I wasn't going to play with him until he could be nice. That went a long way too.

As for the babysitters, you need to be upfront with them so that they are not caught off guard. Let them know what is allowed/not allowed in dealing with his outbursts.

Hugs.
M.

You sound like you have given up and are resigned to the fact that your child is out of control due to all the many reasons that "caused it".

Your child is 3, and he is not a medical oddity. He has a bright future and he will respond to tons of love, a routine and firm discipline, like any other child. He is not permanently a child that no sitter can handle, but it sounds like right now you need to fix things.

You are correct. The moving and grandparents and working and not having 2 parents as a united front and having the weak father who doesn't discipline consistently has put things in a tailspin, but you have to stop the downward spiral and be a tough single mom. Stay away from moms with perfect kids who rub your face in it (I don't know any moms with perfect kids).
You are a good mom to realize the sitter with the dog and dangerous home were not good. You have the right idea about discipline and are willing to be firm, but it sounds like you admit it hasn't been consistent especially while butting heads with dad. It almost sounds like you need to move away or stay away from him for a bit, or at least be firm about how you handle your kids. Most moms I know are in charge of child discipline and the dads are just following orders or sort of clueless. Don't let him hold your kids back since he's your ex.
I take care of 3 under 5 usually by myself, and the key is 1)putting their needs first 2) being very firm with discipline BUT 3)Being calm and loving and positive as well as never letting them get away with bad behavior. They can always count on me to be logical, loving, but FIRM, and I'm not afraid to enforce consequences on the second warning, never have been, so now I hardly ever need to.

I would get involved with a church group or Sunday school even if you are not religious. Those parents are usually more strict, and since moving my daughter to a Christian school I see a night and day difference between the firmness of the parents and the behavior of the kids vs the last uppety child psych spoilers at her last school. You need some support from people who are kind who understand you need to climb out of a hole.
If it is at all possible, cut back work to focus on your sons, it sounds like they are too much for sitters right now. I had a friend with 3 kids before I had kids and they were WAY out of control, and since I couldn't discipline them fully since they weren' mine, it really was impossible to watch them.

Regardless, you have to work with the schedule you have and clean up, firm up and make their environment more predictable and positive. Your son probably senses you've given up on him at 3 and knows he is in control of terrorizing everyone. Even if you learn in the future he has some sort of ADHD situation he still needs this structure-even moreso.

You may want to google BILY, (Because I Love You) a parenting support group for troubled kids, focused on reforming parents not blaming kids, they have parent group meetings, a little less strict than Toughlove, and see if they have a chapter near you or some online resources for working moms. Hopefully other moms will have some recommendations for help. Blessings to you.

Do you blame the kiddos for acting out? This is your problem. I'm not judging you, but the fact is that you and your X did this to your kids. Time to back up and change your focus to being a problem solver. NOBODY can fix your boys but YOU. The last thing you need to do is test them. Simplify your life and break things down to the simple/stupid routine with your boys as the focus. Go to the library and get some books on raising boys (Dobson has a great one). YOU are the parent, YOU are in charge, and those boys better learn it NOW. Get those boys outside and let them run around and be boys. Set boundaries, and follow through with your dicipline. Your diciplline plan needs to be your babysitters plan too. You need to change your job where you are the primary caregiver at all times. When they are napping or sleeping is when the babysitter comes into play.
They need routine. They need to know what to expect when the rules are broken. Dicipline doesn't change when you move.
The boys father is doing them a diservice by not being involved with the structure. HE will cause even greater issues for these boys by just being a passive spineless dad. Time to man up!
The boys are just kids. You can do this.

If you dont give your babysitter a set of tools to handle your child while in her care what is she supposed to do when he acts out? If you have nothing that works and you cant control him yourself it will be very hard to find that special person that is willing to take on the task. I think all sitters should be warned if your child is spirited, and let her know what punishments she's allowed.
Can you go back to where you used to live now that you and hubby are divorced.... maybe you would feel better.
If I was your sitter and watching your 3 yr old in your home, I'm pretty certain I would time him out to his bedroom with door closed for about 5 minutes each time I was unable to get control of things via redirection. He's probably one of the types that needs his room empty of fun things until you get him to start minding. I wouldnt automatically try to label him with add/hd or any of that.... he's had some trauma and parents that were so tangled in their own emotional mess he probably felt the disconnect in a big way and is now confused. You need to pretend like he's 2 again and start over, he's probably lost a year of emotional development due to stress in the household.
It also might be a good time to get closer to the kids grandparents, they might be good, loving sitters for you and a good place for your ex to do visitation.

The good thing about being in Plano is that are tons of resources available.
Would a center work better? Our church was known as one who would take children who needed behavior help. They had an extra worker available to answer the door and sit with kids who got upset. Plus, there would be more structure, he would be in a new setting with new expectations, and they can't quit on you without notice(unless he bites three times).
Have you considered DivorceCare for you? My friend went through a hard, nasty divorce and needed people who were in the same boat. She swears it saved her sanity and gave her hope that she could get over the hurt.

If you are hunting for work and not having a regular income check with your state offices about getting child care paid while you look for work. Even if you are working you may qualify for some child care assistance. Nearly everyone in child care has it. In all my years I think I only had 1 parent who paid full cash. Some of my parents had jobs and made in the thousands each month. It just depends on your needs. A child care center may also be classified as Special Needs.They will have teachers that are trained to work with difficult children who may or may not have a diagnosis of ADD/ADHD or any other need.

Also, it sounds like your little guy is having some real issues. I think he needs to be seen by the doc and by an evaluator to see if he qualify's for some help with Sooner Start,well, that's what it's called in Oklahoma. They come into your home from birth through 3 years of age. They work in the home with you and help get the proper evaluations done and get a plan in place and get them started on behavior stuff. It was wonderful for them to evaluate J,he was behind in speech but right after they did the evaluation he started talking in complete paragraphs...go figure.

Call the local health department and ask if they offer any parenting classes, we did one called PCIT, Parent Child Interaction Training. Call your local mental health facility and ask about Love and Logic classes. These options should be low cost. They were free to us but if you have insurance that should cover it too.

We are dealing with an aggressive 3-4 year old too and he is currently in Head Start and it really helps for him to have that structure. he has only been sent home twice this past Fall.

Find a new pediatrician, and make an appointment with a Developmental Pediatrician tomorrow morning. Call the nearest children's hospital, it will take many months to get in, you can always cancel if you find your answer in food or dicipline, but you probably won't. He is not too young, far from it, and when good dicipline, applied consistently fails, and the child is smart enough to understand right from wrong, but lacks the ability to apply what he knows to himself or suppress impulses, it is time to seek out therapeutic help for him.

I have been where you are. I could have written your post about 15 years ago, and I wish someone had pointed me in this direction as early as you have the chance to be. It took me 5 more years of where you are to get appropriate help. Early is better. No shame.

Until you see a developmental pediatrician, try some play therapy, and get some care for you too...most of us who have kids this difficult will need psychiatric care at some point, and there is no shame in that either.

M.

You and your children have all been through some very hard times lately. This is hard on you, and this trickles down to the children in a big way. I am NOT judging you, in fact I have been there. Children take their cues from the adults in their lives, and sadly we can't always put on a happy face, so it is up to us to learn how to discipline properly. Don't feel bad - this is not something that is innately born in us, though it does seem many Moms know exactly what they are doing at all times! My daughter went through a heart transplant when she was 2 - this led to a LOT of stress within our family - emotionally, finacially, you name it. She could feel it and started acting out a lot about the same age as your son. Some of the things you described sound so familiar! To start with, read up on some good discipline strategies - I highly recommend the "Love and Logic" series, and also "Parenting the Strong Willed Child" - I found info from both helpful. Love and Logic also has seminars and a website that will email you advice. http://www.loveandlogic.com - their methods are so simple but they work.
Next, I would get to know some people for a support system. Join a playgroup or preschool PTA. If you go to http://meetup.com you are sure to find a playgroup in your area full of Moms your age and kids their age. Their are also MOPS groups (Mothers of Preschoolers) you can go to http://www.mops.org to find a local group. This is good for both of you to make friends. Aside from playdates, many of the groups have Moms nights out too, so you can also get a much needed break! Getting him into an organized group like a Mothers Day out a couple of days a week would be great too - it would give him a taste of some structure and a way to make some friends. I don't know how far you are, but my daughter want to Little Saints for 2 days at weeks when she was 3, then 3 days a week when she was 4, and it was the most wonderful program! It was so enriching, the Moms get really involved, so you meet some great people too, and get the feeling of community. It is in North Dallas at All Saints Church on Meadowcreak near Arapaho & Hillcrest. http://www.AllSaintsDallas.org. There are many others too, I just happen to know that one is superior and isn't that expensive. :) Another great way for you to meet people is also on meetup.com - think about just about any hobby or interest you have and they have a group for that! They also have networking groups if you are jobhunting! You really should check it out. I don't know if you are religious or not, but joining a church is a definate way to meet people and get involved and have an instant support system. If you do, go further than just joining, really get involved - volunteer for things and join groups, that is how you will get close to people.
For Babbysitting, I haven't used it yet myself (I am fortunate enough to have lots of willing family around to babysit), but I've always looked at this Sittercity.com as an alternative if I needed something and was left high and dry by my family. I know my sister has used it and just loved it. It looks great - you can specify exactly what you want in a sitter and even specify that your child has special needs and it matches you with sitters in your area that you can then interview before you offer them a job. You should check it out! http://www.sittercity.com - I think I see coupons or something at the bottom of the page here sometimes.

I hope something here helped you. If nothing else, just remember you aren't the only parent that has gone through this. Do remember though that it is up to us to watch how we model ourselves in front of our kids. Again, I am in no way judging you - I did the same thing and learned the hard way. The bright side is that this isn't irreversable :)

If you try all the tips everyone gives you and your child is still acting out after a really good long hard try of everything, I would have a talk with the pediatrician - he might need some kind of therapy.

.

Be honest with the sitters. They need to know how you would like for him to be handled when situations occur. I would try to empty his room
except for his bed and when he acts up send him to his room for a few minutes or until he can be pleasant. Don't let him get a rise out of you (I know they do but just hide it) With my own kids it is very important for them to get outside everyday and do a physical activity to get their energy out. Fresh air does wonders. How is his diet? I would eliminate dyes from
his diet, some kids can't tolerate them and get so wired. Is he eating healthy balanced meals with little sugar (cookies, fruit punch etc), enough protein, very little white food (white bread, bagels). The rise and crash in his blood sugar could be making him act up too. My last thought is if he is getting enough sleep, sometimes kids act more hyper the more tired they are. Hang in there, I am sorry your going through a hard time.

P., I think you've gotten some REALLY good advice. I suggest you go back through all of the responses and re-read the posts where "other moms found this helpful".
I found it interesting that some assumed that your current Pediatrician is mistaken about your child. Consider, first, that your Pediatrician OBSERVED you and your child and concluded that "testing" your child was inappropriate. Testing such a young child can be tricky, and the last thing you want is to have your child unnecessarily "labeled". Also, keep in mind that institutions receive government funding for children with special needs (generally), so it's easy to be "labeled".
I won't recount all of the great advice you've received, but starting with the basics sounds like the answer. You sound like a very loving and courageous mother who is doing the best she can to lead her family "out of the woods"! I'll be rooting for you!

i would put him down for anap as soon as this behavior occurs. if my2 yr old acts up he goes to the corner and as soon as corner timeis over he has to lay down. and he usually takes a nap. he also may be acting out because he is hungry boys tend to do this not just at a young age either. when you figure out if hes doing it cause he is tired or just hungry tell your babysitters what you have discovered and give them a heads up. if it persists talk to the doc

P., I work with a great Nutritional Supplement Company that has supplements for children with brain food for the growing mind and helps with all kinds of issues. This is not medcine, just supplement that provides the daily needs. I have seen kids with ADD/ADHD and Autism get great result. I am sure it will help your son and give you a peace of mind.

Let me know if interested and I will give you details.

All the best in the New Year.

I have 2 boys about the same age as yours (3 in September and 20 months). I work full time (past month has been 10-12 hours per day and weekend overtime as well) I have a job that allows me to work online from home, so I have a babysitter come to my home. I spend as much of my break times as I can with my boys. And as much time as possible when I am off since I know they need my attention. I hate working full time, but I don't have much choice right now. I am married to their dad and don't have the best relationship right now. I don't have much support with family and friends. So I can understand some of what you are dealing with. My oldest is a handful, very smart and busy child. His dad had ADHD, and the grandparents say he is a lot like him as a child. I agree with consistency to the best of your ability and discipline. It is extremely challenging with a spouse and babysitters not on the same page, but do what you can when you are with them. Try lots of praise and positive re-inforcement when he is behaving well. Try to remain calm. If I lose it, things only escalate. I read a tip in a magazine to tickle them when you start getting angry, and it helps sometimes. Or sometimes I have to step away and regroup. Remove the toy they are fighting about or whatever the issue, separate the kids. Spankings make mine more aggressive. I set boundaries and always try to give a warning before discipline. Try to set aside some alone time without the sibling. Mine acts out much worse when he does not have a few minutes with me without his brother each day. They are extremely competitive right now, sometimes I can use that to my advantage by pointing out what the brother is doing good. Going out is difficult and a lot of work most days. I bring snacks, a book, distractions that sometimes help. Some days they are just crazy and destructive. I try to keep to a nap routine and make sure I am at home during those times. If not, things are much more difficult. Don't let them get too hungry. Mine are the most difficult when they are hungry and tired. Outdoor time is really good for my boys. If they are cooped up inside, we have a lot more trouble. I hope things get better for you this year as they get older and you settle into a new routine. I know it is tough for me and must be tougher in your situation. Just remember they are only little once and try to find joy in the giggles and grins. There is nothing sweeter sometimes than to watch them play together. Some day we will look back and miss them being this age.

Hi,

I am sorry you are going through this! A few suggestions:

Get some support for you! Join a church, play group, special interest group etc.

Write all the positive qualities that you see in your child-- if you keep viewing him as problematic or hard-to handle etc., he will continue to live up to your expectations. IF you see him as a wonderful human being who has some behavioral issues but is a great child, he will start seeing himself as that too and try to live up to it. Start giving him praise-tons of praise for all of the good deeds he is doing-even if it is the littlest thing like picking up his fork after dropping it on the floor etc. or eating nicely at the table, using his napkin, being nice to his brother etc. Whatever it is, make a big deal of it--he will be so proud that you are proud that he will want to continue. Stop the spanking-its ineffective for you. Tell him what you expect of him and show him the right ways. Model good behavior yourself. As for babysitters, look on sittersplace.com. They have some great ones and yes, honesty is the best policy. I would show them what you expect and don't set them up to fail. Also, show your kids a trial run with the sitter while you are there so they can get aquainted. Hope this helps and hang in there!

Ps. As for friends, you will find them in time--- start hanging out with your kids at places you would like to meet people-library, playdates, movies, park etc.

GL!

Molly

hang in there......kids can be a handful sometimes, the only thing i'd like to say iis, your kids are dealing with a lot.....try a childrens counselor, maybe just talking to someone who knows what to say could help. Prayers and best wishes to you and your family!

I know the difficulty you are going through. My oldest son had major behavioral problems that seemed to get worse as he got older until he hit his teens. He finally started mellowing out at that point and now I rarely have any problems with him (he's 17). I didn't have the problems you are facing with babysitters because I was a stay at home mom. However, I do know the feeling of being judged as a parent over the way my son behaved (even though I have 5 other children who didn't act that way at all). I recommend reading "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It's not a "cure" book, but it helped me in how I handled my son and choosing which battles to fight over. Temperamental children are extremely challenging and can wear a parent out! The biggest thing I had to learn in dealing with my son is to not get emotional when I dealt with him. I needed to be firm and not show much emotion on the negative side. He was highly sensitive and even a slight look of irritation or anger in my face and he would melt down. In order to be effective, I had to be in control of my own emotions. It wasn't easy at times, but the ramifications if I wasn't were much worse.

As far as what to say to babysitters, I would be honest about what they could expect. Ask them if they have had any experience in handling a difficult child. I know my girls (my two oldest) certainly know all about that growing up with their younger brother. They're busy with college now and don't babysit much, but I imagine there are others out there who have had experience handling challenging children.

Dr. Elliot Stendig in Garland, Texas treats with 100% success rate ADD, ADHD, Dyslexia (lazy eye), and a ton of other supposedly mental disorders. He treats very young children. Unlike what we are told by doctors, most "mental" or "personality" disorders of young children have nothing to do with the mind or emotions and everything to do with vision and the mixed signals they are causing in the brain. Young children can't tell you he is confused, he can only act up. Dr. Stendig is a Therapeutic Optometrist (one of the best in the country) and he cured me as an adult of the dyslexia and ADD I had had since childhood. I always thought I could see perfect because Opthamologists had told me so all my life. Dr. Stendig's examination revealed a different story. Lets be realistic. I had a lazy eye and there no way one can compute "perfect" from that but they did.
It took several months for my corrected eyes to retrain my brain but the Dyslexia finally went away as well as my eyestrain headaches and my frustration at not being able to repeat a phone number without getting the numbers reversed. Not having the proper diagnosis when I was a child caused me much emotional pain and derailed any highly paid career I could have had requiring me to pass a college math course. Please don't brush this off. I know it sounds simple but don't knock it until you have tried it. Every child should have their eyes examined each year as a precaution just like you go to any other doctor for physicals. Unfortunately, Dr. Stendig is the only Therapeutic Optometrist in the N. Texas area so I can't recommend any one closer to you.

When your son is stating to act up, how are you? I've found when my daughter is pushing my buttons if I stay calm (really hard sometimes) that it helps keep things from escalating.

I wouldn't do timeouts in his room. The bedroom is supposed to be a place of safety and comfort. And the timeout should be one min for each year of life. My ex step daughter was a handful. She had ADHD and ODD (oppositional and defiance disorder). We went to therapy for her. You may want to do that w/ your son. Even at 3 he can be in therapy (play therapy) and you don't need an alphabet diagnosis.

Honestly, I would stop spanking. You can discipline w/out spanking. He hits, you hit him, he hits you back. Not a good cycle.

I also thinking putting him in a center daycare may work better for you. I know it's expensive but what about getting state aid?