Struggling with Jealousy About My Infant Daughter's Preference for Her Daddy

Hi Heidi

I'm sort of in your situation, but I"m on the other end of the spectrum. I have a son and (as I was warned) he is closer to me than to daddy. I have been working VERY hard with my son so that he learns to go to his daddy too. I will leave the house and set up special things for our son to do with Daddy. It's not uncommon for a child to choose one parent over another and eventually it will come back to you and Daddy will be rejected. It's natural.
Instead of focusing on how close you wish your daughter was to you, but grateful that she is close to her daddy... that she has a good daddy in her life as so many young girls don't and we see that in our society and how it plays out. My suggestion would be to get out of the house when it really starts to bother you... either that or set up things that you can do together as a family.
You know that she wants you and loves you and relies on you, no matter how independent she might seem.. she still can't get a job and pay her own bills yet! :) But she probably doesn't get to see her Daddy much during the week.
Does your husband not want anything to do with you as well? The reason I ask is because you stated that yo ufeel like you birthed your replacement... does he treat you poorly as well or are you simply projecting your feelings on to him?

Hello Heidi,
I feel for you, because my son does the same thing to me. He is 22 months old, and most of the time, he seems to only see his daddy in his eyes. But don't worry sweetie, this will change. Being that this is my 5th child I know more or less that kids tend to go through stages in their lives, and in the blink of an eye your daughters attitude toward you will change. She will go through a stage in her life were only "Mommy" can help her. Trust me, I promise! I have an 18 year old daughter. Keep doing what you are doing and don't allow this to take your joy of being a mother. You will soon see that this time will pass and you will have such a close relationship with your baby girl Nobody will be able to take that from you.

What I do when my kids or even husband act like that with me, is I back off and allow them to miss me, or need me. That's when they come around. Keep seeking the Lord and you will be in my prayers. Be blessed =.)

Gosh, I really feel for you. And its great you can admit these feelings... I know it's not easy... and I can understand you venting to your Husband and what you said out of frustration.

Now= what DOES your Husband do, when you told him all your feelings? He shouldn't just leave you crying, for 15 hours! I would HOPE, that he is understanding of your feelings...

Next, yes, babies/toddlers go through phases of Parental preferences. Its part of development.
But You said your daughter has been this way since over the course of a year...and you feel its getting worse. Well... that is/can bee a long time, especially when you are feeling unloved, by both your Husband and daughter.

Just sharing: when my kids have gone through "phases" of preferring my Husband over me.... what my Husband does is: he will verbally and demonstratively SHOW my children... that it is "not nice" to treat Mommy that way... that Mommy is SPECIAL... and then my Husband will come over to me, hug/kiss me nicely, and then 'teach/coach' them about "respect" and what a Family is, and HOW IMPORTANT Mommy is etc. THEREFORE, the child, gains understanding that their DADDY ALSO LOVES HIS "WIFE" and not just the child. A child... NEEDS to learn/understand that there is a "relationship" between both parents, AND the child etc.

Also, it could be that your daughter is SO secure in her attachment to you... that it may 'seem' like she does not need you. That can also be the situation. AND at this age.... toddlers to get quirky and have strong opinions anyway.

And, yes, some kids are just "Daddy's Girl's"... BUT, BUT,... instead of just "letting it" develop at the expense of Mommy's well-being... I think, it is important to teach a toddler respect, and that the "roles" of the Parents and the importance of it is taught. When my kids prefer me over their Daddy for instance (and it goes too far)... I immediately "correct" that attitude... and I verbally say "It hurts Daddy's feelings... its not nice to ignore Daddy and be sassy to him.... lets go and say sorry to him..." for example. AND... my Husband does that TOO, when they "choose" him over me, for instance.
In other words... we don't let them get away with certain behaviors at the expense of the other's feelings.... for example: I would have NEVER let my child get away with hitting my face when I tried to kiss her and then she leaned over to kiss my Husband instead. THAT to me, is just plain not acceptable... and regardless if it is a "phase" or not... I would have quickly corrected that, AND MY HUSBAND WOULD HAVE TOO. THAT is the key.

Now, the thing to me is- WHERE IS YOUR HUSBAND IN ALL THIS???? I'm sure he loves the attention... BUT, as you said, it is affecting your well being, and you feel as though your Husband replaced his heart with your daughter and you are resenting your Husband, AND motherhood is a disappointment to you etc. THIS IS NOT GOOD. Sure, they all say "oh its a child's phase, don't take it personally etc." ... but you ARE feeling great jealousy and angst over this. I WOULD recommend, that your Husband STEP-UP... and support YOU.... and it would thereby SHOW YOUR DAUGHTER a life lesson. Sure, a Toddler has phases like this... BUT, they ALSO HAVE TO BE CORRECTED WHEN IT GOES TOO FAR.

Your Daughter seems to know perhaps, that is upsets you... and she is pushing your buttons.

I know how this makes you sad... but, you AND your Husband have to work on it TOGETHER. My Husband would never have let my kids get away with "hitting" my face if I kissed them or for whatever reason. I would not have let them get away with it either...my kids know better than that.

**Kids have to be taught... what is proper loving and what is not, AND that it is NOT a "competition."

A "Man" and "Daddy" also has a lot of impact on a girl & her development... so your Husband HAS TO BE COGNIZANT of that.... and how he "teaches" your daughter to treat their Mom.

But what strikes me is.... your Husband does not seem to do anything, to correct your daughter... nor to support you in improving the situation? Is the problem really your daughter or is it ALSO YOUR HUSBAND? Or both? But the bottom line is ALSO your feelings.... toward them, now. Because of your Daughter's animosity toward you, it is creating a LOT of bad feelings between all of you. This is not healthy... your Husband also has to step-up.... or at least talk about it WITH you, and JOINTLY work on it. Your daughter is still so young, to completely understand ALL realms of emotions and actions.

All the best,
Susan

I haven't dealt with exactly the same thing, if anything it is the opposite in our house. We have 2 boys (ages 4 and 3) and they will both ocassionally reject Daddy for me and their Daddy is extremely hurt by it. I am always trying to tell my husband not to take it personally. They love him and I don't think they really know what they are doing, but it is hard for him not to be hurt by it. There are times that they prefer their Daddy over me, and for those times I am really grateful. I actually feel TOO needed and it is exhausting, so when they want him over me, their dependency is a little less oppressive. (I think I may be an odd one that way, though).

I have a friend who has had a similar relationship with her first daughter. She and her husband have 3 girls, expecting a boy any day now, and with her oldest daughter, since she was an infant, my friend felt as though the baby didn't really need her and preferred her Daddy. That daughter is now 7 years old and is still a bit independent from Mom, and will have a preference to Dad. But the younger girls are very attached to Mom and my friend has not felt that with the younger girls. It may simply be something in her personality.

Regardless, I think it is important that your daughter is taught to be sensitive to your feelings. She should never be allowed hit you or reject you so openly. When my boys have done that to their Daddy, I am very firm with them that they are not allowed to be mean to Daddy or hurt his feelings (not that they really understand that yet, but I think this is part of the learning). You will definitely need your husband's support and involvement in this, too.

I would try to think of a loving and respectful way to bring it up with your husband and ask for his support in this. Since you are struggling with jealousy, maybe you are feeling like you need more attention from your husband. If you do not already have a regular "date night" try to do whatever you can to establish that tradition. It is tough, but it is important for your relationship with your husband, and it is important for your daughter to see that Mommy and Daddy love each other and are important to each other. We also try to have "couch time" where Mommy and Daddy sit together on the couch (or wherever you like in a common area of the house where your daughter can see you) for 5-15 minutes and are focused on each other while the kids play. The kids are not allowed to interrupt during that time. This is a real tough one with young kids, but the more regularly we do it and work on training them with it, it does get a little easier.

I hope this helps. God bless you and your family.