Talking Back 12 Year Old

I understand the concern for being disrespectful and if he is...then there definitely needs to be a consequence.

My first thought would be if the games are lasting this long into dinner-time, then maybe you should prepare a cooler the night before and have a couple little snacks in there so that they can nibble before you get home or get them something more substantial to eat (for dinner). However, being hungry should not be an excuse for being disrespectful. Being twelve years old is an awkward age, be patient and provide him options of how he should behave if he is in uncomfortable positions.

I have a 12 year old boy, too---- and I HATE this age!!! hahahaha!
We had a big family meeting about privilages and responsibilities. He wants to get a cell phone eventually (he is the only one of his friends who still doesn't have one) and he wants things like time on the computer..... so he has more responsibilities (chores) around the house now. He has a sister close to his age who has chores, too, and he gets it that his 3 year old brother doesn't have to do things like dishes,just as he didn't have to either at that age-- but his 3 year old brother also doesn't get the privilages he gets, like computer time, playing outside with friends, staying up late, etc..... He has also joined the Red Cross Teen Corps, which has been amazing. It's given him an opportunity to meet some great new teenagers who are very responsible kids, and by doing community service he sees that the world does NOT revolve around him.

Disrespectfulness is not tolerated in my house any more than cussing. I will NOT get into an arguement nor exaplin myself or my actions to my son if he is acting like a brat. I would have pulled the car over and let him know it was NOT acceptable to speak to me that way or speak about his sister that way, and I'd let him know that he was to sit quietly in the car and think about what he had said because when we got home we'd be having a family meeting about it. My husband works crazy hours so sometimes he is in on "family meetings" and sometimes it's just me and my son. But LATER, after he had time to cool down, I would discuss what he had said. Be sure to validate his feelings. Yes, he said what he said to get a rise out of you (and it worked!!) but he also said what he was feeling at that moment. Discuss with him why he said that about his sister. You may be able to get to the bottom of an issue he is having that is completely unrelated to his sister or the snack. (My son tends to pick on his little brother when he needs some attention from me)There is NO way to get to the bottom of anything without at least trying to communicate with him. Since I've never been a 12 year old boy myself, I defer to my husband whenever I can for advice on how to proceed. He warned me that there IS a point of no return, so you have to be careful that you don't push too hard so that he shuts down and won'topen up to you again. You have to do your best to leave the lines of communication open and make sure you LISTEN to him.

Just curious if there is a Dad in the picture. You need some backing up from a male figure when you are dealing with a pre-teen / teenage boy. Dad or male role model needs to explain to him the concept of respecting his parents / siblings, and also being thankful for what he has. Sounds like he has it pretty good if you are shuttling him around to sports practice, has a grandma that loves him and helps out, has the blessings of siblings, you have a car to drive them in, food to eat, money to buy snacks, etc. There are a lot of kids who live in So Cal (not just 3rd world countries) that don't have those privledges!
If there is not a Dad in the picture, perhaps an uncle, pastor, friend's Dad, etc. can help you out in rebuking him in love.

First would be to stop explaining things to him when he is in that kind of mood. He's not wanting an explanation, he wants an argument, don't give it to him. When you try to smooth things over by rewarding that kind of behavior with fixing the problem "Get more cookies" is telling him that the more he has a bad attitude the more you will try to fix things for him. I understand that at that age alot of changes in his life are being made. Puberty, if he goes to school maybe changes in social statue or dealing with a bully. But he has to be made accountable for his own attitude. It may only be talking back now, but he is only 12. If it's not taken care of now, it may lead to other things.
Try to build up the bond with him and as a whole family. If he does get in that kind of mood, sweet mommy shuts off and comanding officer takes over.
I would srongly suggest not to just send him to bed for the night. I know that if he's in a real bad mood that he may need some time to cool down. But sending him to bed for the rest of the night does not resolve the issue, it just delays it. Also, what do you think was going through his mind the whole time he was crying? There maybe a small chance that it was resentment, not wanting to get sent to bed again and realizing that his behavior was wrong. But most likely, to him, it only proved what he was saying, and his anger and rebelion was only built up during that time.
I would strongly suggest to get the books called "To Train Up a Child" by Michael and Debbie Pearl. you can find them on the web. It will also be great since you have small children as well.
Also, "Raising Up Boys" by Dr. Dobson and "Have a New Kid by Friday" it mostly deals with older kids. Sorry it was long, but hope this helps.

Hello, It sounds like all of you were tired and some were hungry. The talking back is right on for the age, but you do have to nip it. If you allow it, he will only continue to do this more. I would try to talk to him when he isn't so angry and try to explore his feelings of being ignored. It also comes with the age. They are very me orientated at this age. He'll be okay with some patience.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

Sounds like he needs a great big Hug from Mom, and apologize that because of todays world, we tend to get so rushed that we forget the finer things in life- our kids, ask what is on his mind, and that he is getting older and new things are coming his way, good and bad. But that you are always here for him, even if I seem to busy... and that you were his first born and love him no matter what!!! Just sit and talk to him, after things quiet down in te house, have a little night time snack together and bond a little...
Good Luck!!! Its hard these days!!

Something may have happened in school that day that bothered him (and he is becoming a teenager). It may have just been a bad day for him. But I also suspect he wants your attention and he may just need some one on one time with you, I know you're busy with all the kids but he could probably use your undivided attention for a little while. I just read a book called How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. It had a lot of great methods for speaking to kids in a way that will make them feel like their feelings are respected and motivate them to listen to you

I think if you have a good talk with him and give him some alone time you can get to the bottom of what is bothering him and hopefully his behavior will improve. Good luck!

sounds like you go over and beyond to make your kids happy.......they are so selfish at his age. Just tell him to stop complaining and that he's lucky he has clothes on his back!!!!. But, as he gets older he will mature. It also sounds like he needs to have a little more repect for you. You don't have to explain anything to him, your the mom. And maybe you need to spend a little one on one time with your children alone (outside of the house). That's really important. Don't forget to always follow through with your threats, and be consistant.
Good luck!

I think he is trying to find himself as a young man and he is not sure if he is 12 or 21. Be patient and set the rules and consistency as you did with him earlier on.

Suggestions? Sure! Ignore and conquer. Otherwise you will be visiting the liquor store too often : ) Welcome to adolescence... the more independent the young soul, the bigger the mouth!

Not sure if he is too old (the book recommends ages 2 - 12 I think), but it can't hurt to try...
It's called "1-2-3 Magic", and it was a miracle in our house. I haven't used it in 3 years, but when I remember to, THEY still remember and it works.

You can pick up a copy online cheap, not sure how available it is in brick/mortar stores. You can read it in a couple of hours.

Essentially, what you do is "count" the behavior you want to stop. Talking back is a PRIME one. And one that we, as parents, inadvertently feed into. Because we RESPOND when they do it. Instead, you would just look at him and say "That's one." If he keeps up the muttering/mumbling/complaining/talking back then you count "That's two." If he STILL keeps it up you say "That's three. Take 5 (or 10 or 15 or whatever you feel is appropriate)." You send him to his room, to the car, to wherever he is away from you and not having fun... sort of like a little more mature "time out"... but without the childish title. You SKIP the arguing over the finer points of who's snack it was and why it was more appropriate for the little tike, and focus on HIS behavior. Which sounds like it pretty much sucks. Normal for a 12 year old, however. :) But YOU are the parent, and you don't have to explain every motive or reason that you make the decisions you do. Sure, we feel like we should... and so they use that to manipulate us. Nix that. The book is full of common "mistakes" we parents make when it comes to "arguing" with our kids. Arguing them elevates them to an equal with you - they shouldn't be. They are the child, you are the parent. It's not equal.
I hope you will give it a try and that you have success. I love being around my kids when they aren't bickering with each other (or me).

Good luck.

I have an 11 yr old myself, and the muttering has def. picked up a bit. I'll have to remember to count my kids more often myself!

Sounds to me like he's trying to get your attention. At 12 he is being pushed into the grownup world and while he's excited it's a bit unnerving, he wants a safe place to come back to and be a kid (usually a two year old). A friend of mine told me that 2 yr olds and 12 yr olds only differ in size. It is a big adjustment and it sounds like he wants some "mommy" or "daddy" time.
I know that's hard with crazy schedules but each kid needs one on one time each day, and a longer period each week.

With my son I make it clear that "I don't understand whining" or "bad mouthing". When he walks away muttering something under his breath I make him come back and tell me, even if it's hard to hear. He has to speak in a calm voice (that means I have to be calm too, if I'm all worked up he responds the same way)
I explained to him that I would rather he tell me to my face than behind my back (a good life lesson). If he doesn't tell me, I can't deal with it or fix it. Good communication will be key to getting through the teenage years.
Good Luck

There is some frustration on his part because he he starting to be hormonal. Girls are not the only ones who go through changes. Also, he seems to sound like he isn't being "heard". He is going to really start having some opinions, feelings, and will really need to be talked to, not talked at. Some of it could be a growing spurt, some could be emotional, something could be going on at school, then he comes home to take it out on siblings. Maybe a mom/son date night is needed. Just one on one time with him. There are many ways to help the growing up process, but there will come a time when he will not need to be treated like he is still young. He will need to make decisions for himself, whether there will be a consequence or not for his choices, but it is all about growing up and testing the waters. Keep yourself in check, ask him about his day and what may or may not be going on, spend one on one time with him and remember this too shall pass.
~~D.

Hi J.,

You need to have a heart-to-heart with Rudy (at a time when he is NOT talking back). The purpose of the talk is twofold: 1) You need to the opportunity to express, without anger, how difficult it is for you when he speaks to you that way. 2) You need to find out, understand and validate the reasons for his behavior.

I always tell parents to welcome disruptive behavior. It's your kids way of telling you that they are not OK. You need to find out why he is feeling bad these days. (You mentioned that he used the words "I don't get anything" a few times. He might be feeling left out or jealous. It might be something else entirely.)

See if you can find out what he needs from you so that you can help provide that for him. Also, during your conversation, try to come up with ways for him to identify and express his feelings to you in more direct ways so that you can get to the source of the problem more quickly and move on.

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown,com

Parenting the child who talks back

You are right, you are the parent, you set the guidelines. Parenting your child is far more effective then disciplining the term discipline really means - a system of rules of conduct or method of practice - so PRACTICE being the parent you want around your child.

If he is doing something you don't like tell him what you DO like. You are the guide, the role model, the final decision.

You must keep repeating...we don't talk like that in this family, are you part of this family? (he will answer yes) then you repeat it, we don't talk like that in this family. Then redirect the situation. There is no punishment, there is only fact. This family is respectful. This family is kind. This family honors everyone. If you let the behaviour go once (and punishing it is letting it go), he will decide when and where he can use that behaviour again. Be prepared that he may answer no as well, can keep the same answer. “Well when you want to be a part of this family here is how it works…”

Kids are brilliant. They remember everything!

As for "time out", kids learn to weigh the time away with what the "crime" is. They often feel that a couple of minutes in "the chair" is worth it. It obviously is not working with him.

For the last 13 years in my house, in my classroom and with the families I coach, I have a guideline of acceptability. I say it, I expect it and guess what, it happens.

J., be the mom you want to be and he will be the son you want him to be. GUARANTEED!

You are the parent, you get to decide how your child will act.

As for tonight, bring dinner, pack a picnic so that everyone’s needs are taken care of.

PS: What are you feeding him for breakfast...that will definitely make or break his day. If you think his behaviour might be related to the foods he eats, that is my specialty. I can work with you on that.

B.
Family Wellness Coach

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There is a one day event happening THIS weekend in Los Angeles that you can attend for FREE (Ok, so I see you have to buy one little book there -GREAT DEAL!) that will give you the tools you need to keep your son's heart close to you. Really good information for us as parents of children we love but are sometimes really frustrated with. Very helpful for parenting any child ~ If you go you'll thank me ;)

http://www.beyondconsequences.com/bcilive/index.html

Sounds like he has a problem with the little one getting babied so much. Was that HIS snack that he got at the ballgame? If so, he shoudn't have had to give it up. I would have said, Rudy, would you please share one with your sister. If he said no then I would have explained to the little girl (4) that was his snack and you will get her something as soon as you get home. If she cried, so be it. But I wouldn't have made him give up his snack for anyone. All that is gonna do, is cause hard feelings and resentment toward her and they will grow up to hate each other. Next time maybe you can prepare to bring a few snacks for the baby and then when Rudy is hungry, you can teach her to share with Rudy. I would just be very causious about how I treated him with the little girl. If I read your post correctly, all you are gonna do by making them give into her all the time is make them very jealous kids and they will grow to resent her and you for it. My mom is a very partial mom to my little sister and to this day, she has nothing to do with her other 2 children nor the other grandchildren.... only the little sister and her children. To this day my mother and I don't talk and I secretly pray my little sister will die. My mother has brought it all on herself because she use to do the same thing with my little sister that you are doing to your daughter (so it sounds).
Don't be a partial mom..... love the boys as well and the smart talking will soon clear up when they feel you have their back and their best interest also. Right now I think what they are feeling is defense.. they feel they have to defend themselves because you are too busy defending the baby.
Good luck and I hope it all changed to your liking.