Talking with Mom of 10-Year-old Son's Girlfriend

I just have to add- you are the parent and he is only 10! If I had been the girl's mom, I would be very grateful for you telling me, and then I would have a long talk with my daughter. IMO- 10 is way to young to be kissing! And I can't believe they get away with this at school! There is a no kissing policy at our elementary and both kids would be suspended. I would sit my son down and tell him that if he is doing something he has to hide to do- it's a pretty good indication that it's something he should not be doing. You will have to set your own rules on this one- good luck!
~C.

I only want to comment on the fact that I am so worried about when my sons get older and I have to deal with this....here's why: Its all well and good until the girl decides that she doesn't 'like' it anymore and tells the teacher, her parents or whomever. And then the BOY is the bad guy, the sex offender, the perv. When oftentimes the girls are the aggressors. You might try telling your son this-if he is responsible enough to be in a 'kissing' relationship with a girl he should be responsible enough to hear about the possible repurcussions of his actions. You can approach him like that and say the reason I told her mom was because there sometimes ARE serious and life damaging repurcussions to little boys because of how they act with little girls. And in order to protect you I thought I should tell her. Say that you can now see that you should have told him as well about this and that you now realize that he is man enought to handle this discussion and be told the truth.

You did the right thing and did not screw up. Have a calm, quiet talk with your son about how it's your responsibility to see that he's safe. If you haven't had "the talk" yet, now is the time to do so.

Let him know that you understand that he wouldn't want to tell you anything again but you hope that he realizes that not talking with you is not helpful to him. Talk about the complicated decisions ahead of him (not just in relationships) and how you rely on talking with others to sort out good alternatives. Emphasize for him how much you love him and how important it is for him to have reliable adult guidance as he matures. Perhaps read up on and talk with him about the way in which our body and brain matures. There are some good books on this subject that you can buy or check out from the library.

Then I'd get him interested in some high energy activities, such as playing games at a rec center. Perhaps he already has some interests you could encourage so that he has less time to focus on a girl. Enlarge his social experience by getting him involved in group activities. Church groups, if you're religious at all are good for keeping kids occupied and learning. He could join a Boys' Club, Cub Scouts, or other boy's club. He's at an age that is usually more interested in boys' activities than girls.

I might make an appointment with a child psychologist for an evaluation. My granddaughter is 10 and the boys are still being goofy to get girls attentions. And my granddaughter and her friends still think kissing is gross. This seems a bit young for this serious of kissing.

I also suggest that it's possible that your son told you about it because he wanted to be stopped. I'm guessing the girl is more mature than he is and even tho a part of him likes it he also knows that this is not appropriate.

My daughter would tell me she wasn't telling me anything again but she always did. What I found to be important is to rarely agree that I wouldn't talk with someone else. I told her, during a couple of general conversations and not when she was confiding, that as her mother I would sometimes need to talk with another adult about what she had said. She still confided in me. It helps when we are honest with our child so that they don't expect that their confidence will automatically be kept. I did agree to not tell during specific conversations. And sometimes I felt I needed to go back on that agreement and so I would tell her before I actually talked with anyone else.

Sometimes, I would give her a choice of talking with the other person or I would do so. For example; in this situation you could tell him and the girl that you felt it was necessary to talk with the girl's mother. Did they want to talk with her before you did.

Later: I know that kissing goes on in elementary school. In the specific instances I've been told about the kids watched movies and TV programs that included sexual behavior. I suggest you monitor what he's watching and see if he's trying out what he's seen. Many TV shows that are geared to teens seem innocent and often younger kids watch them causing them to think kissing is appropriate.

I think that I would have handled this exactly as you did. I understand that your son is upset with you but you need to tell him that HE is your main interest...keeping him safe and happy and sometimes it is necessary to take a matter into your own hands, when it is something that your son should not be expected to handle it himself. Of COURSE he is upset with you, he is 10 years old....believe me...he will get over this upset and there will be ANOTHER reason next week that he is unhappy with you about!!!
I would look into expanding his activities...get him involved in organized sports, boy scouts, boys and girls clubs, something to give him an interest other than "girls". It is probably also time to have "the talk" with him...if you haven't already...please, as the mother of 3 girls I beg you to emphasize the need to be respectful of girls...treating them with honor and kindness.

You did the right thing. The only thing I might have done differently is ask the other Mom if she would be comfortable not telling her daughter where the information came from. But that your son knows is just fine. You can explain to him why you are concerned and that you hope he will talk to you, but bottom line.....tell him your job is to protect him. You're the Mom!

No, you did the right thing. I have a daughter who is only 3 but if she were 10 and she was kissing with a boy already and talking about making out, I would want to know about it. I would have a talk with your son and explain that you did what you did because he could really get into a lot of trouble and you don't want that to happen. The last thing you need is some girl's parents or the school accusing your son of sexual harrassment at 10 yeas old.

As they become pre-teens and teens, they will want their privacy and it should be respected but as we have told my stepsons, if we suspect that anything is going on that shouldn't be, we have every right to investigate. Sounds like it is time to have a conversation about the "the birds and the bees" and what is appropriate behavior and what is not (especially at school). And he might be really upset now, but he will get over it. This is only the beginning, there will be plenty more reasons for him to be upset with you over the next 8 years but you're the mom - period.

I completely get your concern and his. What I would say is something along the lines of this: ask him if he knows what sexual harrassment is and what he thinks would happen to him if that went on at school. Tell him that if she ever tried to say he was pushing her up against the wall that both you and her mother both knew what was going on in order to protect him. That may help with gaining some of his trust back.

I would have asked the young girl if her mother knew they were kissing, that may have embarrassed her enough to lay low. 5th grade seems pretty normal for kids to start sneaking kisses...what happen to holding hands? lol

That is a tough one. You did the right thing...he is 10! You definately have your hands full.

Talk to your son and explain that you are sorry that he is hurt by you disclosing his shared confidence; however, you had to do the right thing for the sake of both him and his girlfriend. Tell him you are thrilled that he is honest with you and hope he continues to be. My guess is he is a bit embarassed.

I don't want to make any assumptions but from your post it sounds like you didn't discuss with YOUR child the repercussions of HIS behavior before you took those actions. (I apologize if I'm wrong). It is my belief that my child is responsible for herself, so I would have tried to deal with it from her end first before I involved the other Mom. If the behavior continued then I would have explained to my daughter that since she chose to act irresponsibly, I have to talk to the other Mom. It is really important that your children trust you so if I were you, I would apologize to him for breaking that trust.

no you didnt screw up if it was your daughter you would want to know. he will forgive you he is 10 and you just kept him and her from getting suspended or worse he will get over it in time.

I would want to know so I could talk with my daughter about HER behaviors.

Just remind your son what he learned in kindergarten, "Hands to ourselves.". that includes all other body parts.. especially at school.

Do let him know you are sorry he is upset and maybe embarrassed, but that parent of girls can be very touchy about their little girls being kissed.

You did what was right so that they did not become angry at him..
I am sending you strength. He will get over this, especially when he understands about how parents feel about this behavior..

You are correct in talking to the girl's Mom and it sounds to me like you need to really make sure your son knows what your expectations are in this area, burt it sounds like you are aware of that. Good Luck

wow! At 10 I thought certain boys were cute but the thought of kissing one was still GROSS! I would have spoke with the girl's mom but I would have asked to keep my name out of it. She could have said that someone at the school saw them kissing she did not need to give your name. You need to sit down and have a chat with your son and explain to him your reasons for talking to the girl's mom.

are they in the same class? Why is their teacher allowing them to have so much time alone together? that seems strange to me. When we were that age, we were always supervised, teachers in the classrooms, the hallways during any passing period, and only one at a time to the bathroom unless it was a scheduled class bathroom break.

I can see why he's upset, you forgot to let him know that you were going to do so, and explain why, prior to taking action...
I guess both kids need a talk about how its not in their best interest to 'date' until they have matured into adults, but it seems cute and innocent at the same time, right?
I'm surprised he had the courage to tell you the situation in the first place, and that's fantastic you have that closeness for him to be willing to talk - Reassure him how FUTURE TALKS will include which parts can be kept secret between you both, --- and that you will be open with your plans on possibly telling others, and respecting his wishes for some 'secrets'

Tough one..but I think you went about it the wrong way. You screwed up the trust your son had in you and at this age....you want your kids to be able to talk to you about anything! Your post never mentioned whether you had asked your son to stop this behavior at school. Did you explain to him how much trouble they would get into at school if they were caught in the act? I think you should have told him that if this continued, then you would have to speak with his girlfriend's mom..that as a mom, you are concerned.

Well..what's done is done right? To repair the damage, talk with your son. Apologize and say you probably handled this in the wrong way but you felt that it was the only way to protect them both. Parents make mistakes too but you don't ever want him to feel like he can't come and talk to you...and that if something should come up again in the future..you would be sure to discuss it with him first. Good luck!

Wow! First off, it sounds like you did the right thing. He is ten and breaking a school rule with strong consequences. Perhaps you are on the right path with setting tougher boundaries. Maybe it is time to tell him that he isn't allowed to "date" even based on the 10-year old version of dating. I know that my parents were old fashioned but we weren't allowed to date (in any form) until we turned 16. I feel that 10 is too young to be kissing and talking about making out. It seems like all of this physical interaction can lead to kids engaging in intimate activity that is far beyond their age.
Best of luck with your son and keep up the great parenting!
M. P

Did you tell your son not to kiss at school? This is a hard one I am all about honesty with my kids. I am not sure what I would have done in regards to telling the other mom. I am leaning towards I wouldnt. For a few reasons the girl isnt my kid one and kissing isnt a major thing in my opinion. I dont think they should be doing it at school at all but its not a horrible thing either. I do think the school needs to be notified because it is inappropriate behavior for school. I hope that doesnt sound to much of a contradiction lol. Oh and I have worked at a school on the playground it really doesnt matter how many adults are out there things will be missed with a large group of kids no matter how diligent you are.

I think you are right to be all over this. I would definately set clear expectations on this and even be more strict. It sounds like the girl is forward and starving for male attention but this is a very formative time for him and if he is already doing this at 10... it could be troublesome. I hope this isn't offensive but you did the right thing and I think you should even put more restrictions on him as he is so young.