Need Advice About Eight-year-olds Who Want to Kiss

My daughter is 8 and she knows that kissing, holding hands, closed doors and any other grown up activity is off limits. And at 8 years old I would never give her a chance to be in any of those situations. I don't think being a tomboy has anything to do with her behavior.

I could go on a rant about how messed up or society is and what they are teaching little kids in the public schools about sex and yada yada yada, but that would take all day.

Why are you worried about shamming her? If you think it's OK that she was kissing a boy at 8 then why are you asking about it? Since it's not OK then she should be ashamed of her actions and maybe you should be paying more attention to her and explaining what's appropriate and what's not.

I think asking her some questions would be in order. Asking (very gently) sweetie I am glad you and x are friends and I know you like him a lot. I was wondering why you wanted to be alone with him? Listen to her explanation and then take it from there. She probably sees you kissing your love and you kiss her to show her you love her. I don't think it's a far reach for her to connect I really care about my friend so I want to kiss him. You also don't know if the other kids were daring them to do it or what. I think establishing the no closed door policy and making sure she understands that is important as well.

I would explain very simply that kisses are reserved for family right now. I think, given their ages, it doesn't require a whole lot of explaining or action. Not making it a huge deal is probably what I would strive for. Also having the conversation about if this happened at school there could be more severe consequences so developing a hands off habit is a good thing to start understanding.

Blessings!
L.

I like Lori H's approach-- cool, calm and collected. This isn't an emergency, this is just redefining the boundaries, reiterating expectations, and being vigilant on the part of the adults.

Wanting to kiss someone, and that curiosity, is natural and happens at different ages and stages for kids. So, keep that as your 'given', that nothing unhealthy, weird or abnormal happened--- if you think about it, historically, this isn't outlying behavior. How many generations of parents have caught their kids playing 'doctor' long before our age? Kids sexuality is usually in a stage of latency and this is more about natural curiosity about the opposite sex than about kids wanting to *do* something sexual.

So, restate the expectations. Knowledge is power-- now you know you'll need to help your daughter by making sure all playtimes are out in the common areas as well. Treat this as just one more informative opportunity to help your girl understand the expectations of her world and her peers.

Heck - at that age my son firmly believed girls had cooties.
The girls he knew believed the boys had cooties.
As an adult - I'm REALLY FOND of kids believing in cooties.
If they are young enough for play dates, they are too young for kissing.
If they are old enough for kissing, they are too old for play dates.

Bedrooms are for sleeping and are off limits for everyone during play/company time.
In fact - designated play areas - living room, back yard, play room, etc - are the only places the kids should be playing in - and parents should have an eye on them.
I would not be worrying about acknowledging anyone s warm feelings.
I'd be informing them everyone keeps themselves to themselves - lips, hands, legs, feet, body parts what ever until they are at least 16 - and at THAT point they can THINK about MAYBE holding hands.
Anyone sneaking off to be unobserved will be grounded.
This is their one and only warning.

You need to draw a line here.
It's a boundary they are going to test especially as they become teens.
8 yrs old is way too early for this - nip it in the bud now.

i LOVE that you are not freaking out over this. you are awesome.
'sorry, honey, kissing is for your family members like daddy and me, and for grownups. you're way too young. you and ethan can be sweet on each other and hang out all you like, but no kissing and no closed doors. we'll revisit this when you're a teenager.'
short and sweet.
khairete
S.
ETA i'm giggling that the ad surrounding this post on MP right now on my computer is 'almost naked action boxer'. :D

I may be naive but I tend to think of 8 year old desire as puppy love, and an 8 year old kiss as harmless.

I would probably say something light like, "No kissing till you're 35," (I used to say something similar to my kids about sex, and they got the point), and then continue to monitor my 8 year old. At 8, they aren't usually out of your sight for very long.

I would just keep it light. This kissing desire was probably a momentary thing and has probably already passed. Hormones aren't in play -- yet.

Try as I might to patrol environments somewhat, kissing is everywhere and my kids see it all the time.

My 6yo son told me my 5yo daughter had a "boyfriend" in her kindergarten class, and she was kissing him and holding his hand when no one was looking (funny how they know it's not ok on some level :). I explained to her, "Honey, kissing and handholding and boyfriend-girlfriend stuff is for people much older, please don't do that, OK, you're too young." And she understood. But she had no idea before that.

I also have an 8yo daughter. She's much less bold and brave, and more "embarrassed" about her crushes, and she shows no signs of trying to act physically like that, but I can totally understand it. I had crushes when I was 8. After Taekwondo day camp this summer the troop mom came up and said, "Your daughter has a boyfriend, she was glued to ____all day the whole week, it was sooo cute." !!! So we've had that talk that it's not OK to kiss and hold hands and stuff. And she was like, "MOM I WOULDN'T!!!!!" all embarrassed. Because that's her personality for now. But we needed to have the talk anyway.

So just explain it to her. Kids don't know the boundaries of ages when they see people kissing everywhere they look.

'Dear kiddo, you may not hold hands with a boy until you are XX years old. You may not kiss a boy until you are XX years old. You may not go anywhere with a boy without me being there until you are XX years old.

You may date one on one with a person you have in interest in at age 16 if they pass my basic questions. Such as do they go to school with you. Do they have a police record. Such things as this are important.

Kissing a boy is not allowed and since you and he went into a non-supervised area to do this kissing business I am taking away your privileges to go to mixed parties for a while. Do NOT ask me how long because if you do it's going to be 2 years. If I think you have learned and are not going to go off away from supervised areas then I might take off a year.

I am upset you did this. You went into a bedroom and shut the door so you could KISS! Not allowed and you know this so you broke many many rules tonight. If you get an invitation to another party such as this and you have been good and done well in school I might attend the party with you and that is the ONLY way in heck you'd be going."

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Shaming her!!!! She looked to see where you were. She looked to see where the other adults were. She walked to that bedroom on her own 2 legs.

She chose to go and do this. If she has been told this is not allowed then she willingly chose to go with a boy into a closed room to do necking. Get that? At age 8.

She chose to break the rules and did it of her own free will. Not time to be nice. Make an impression that she'll remember for the rest of her dating years.

This is a call to mamma and daddy to access what is in the environment and who is in the environment. Get rid of movies and any screen time and clean up the act. Go back to keeping it simple. Where did she get this idea and why wasn't it spotted before the kids went up stairs? There were enough women there that someone should have noticed. Understand she doesn't realize anything sexual, she's a child but yet she thought, they thought that was the thing to do. Why?

To bring this to her attention is to bring these kind of things to the forefront and this would not be a good idea because you don't want the innocence/dreaminess that is within your child to be taken and or changed before it's time. I'm not saying to ignore it. Take this as a huge sign for your own self and how things are presented in your home and what is going on with you. Why does she think this is a way to express her like and friendship for this boy? What's with the boy? What's happening in his home?

I wouldn't say anything about the kissing right now and maybe not at all for now. I'd ask her if she knows she is not suppose to leave the party and she is not suppose to go into someone else's room? Would she like it if someone went in her personal space? I'd talk about this aspect and such. Respect is what is called for here.

This is really more about you and father as parents and what you are allowing in your environment. You are the protector of her sensibilities. There is still time to draw her closer to you. Watch what she is exposed to as should the boys parents. Who's idea was this anyway. This is not about morality in a grown up way, this is about what's happening in her and about her thinking it's okay to let herself be drawn into doing that.

Because eight year olds are learning about right and wrong, good and bad, light and dark - She needs stories about heroes and heroines and lots of them, and she needs trickster stories (Aesop's Fables) and lots of them too, but not at the same time. Take a few months to do the one type and then the other. Have her draw pictures of these and do little projects like making little peg dolls to match the character. Stories are everything in life especially for children. This will make a world of difference. (this is just the gist of this)

You live in Ann Arbor, there is a big Waldorf community there, you might want to check it out. Even if your child doesn't go to a Waldorf school you can still incorporate these precious ideas in her/your life. It's very healing, magical and empowering.

I would just tell her its great that she cares about her friend, but tell her that a hug when she sees him is what kids do. I would say, kissing is for grown ups and family. I think its sweet in that they obviously care about each other and kids just mix up friendship and romance. My 4 year old told us she is planning to marry one of her grandmas when she grows up. Thats after we established that she couldn't marry either of us.

There are so many angles to start with this...let's start with TV. Kissing is displayed from time to time on the Disney channel. We don't overreact, but sometimes treat them like a commercial break. I am mixed about exposing her to it, as it does give them the idea, however, in another couple of years, they will be kissing each other, face it. And, they will do it even if we say it is not okay.

When you mention shame her, well, it is not necessary. It is natural, just not the right time. Our school (Parochial) has a not touching policy. So while my daughter loved to give hugs back in preschool, she had to learn not to touch when she got to school. There wasn't any shame in it, it was simply the policy.

It is likely the two snuck off to the room, not stopping to think that the others even noticed their disappearance, but they did. When "we moms" came upstairs and said no closed doors, that probably shamed them enough right there.

My daughter has played hockey with a boy since they were 5 or 6. They like each other and EVERYONE knows it. He is a sweetheart and doesn't let anyone hurt her, yet he will knock her down playfully. Last week, we gave up his time on the ice so she could try to get a hat trick. Any way, knowing that they do like each other, I like to keep my eye on them even though from a distance. The good thing is, it's too hard to kiss with those helmets and cages on!!! But, there are plenty of times to hang out at the rink when they aren't wearing them and the rink is where I see a lot of first crushes going on in the older kids.

Plain and simple - there is no going into bedrooms with boys EVER; when you are at a party, you STAY with the party - no sneaking off anywhere especially with boys - that's how you get a reputation; there is no kissing until she is 16 and old enough to date. I don't think you need to be so gentle - you need to tell her like you mean it - not all lovey dovey - just very plain and matter of fact and so she understands that this is not up for debate and it is something that she will suffer consequences for if it happens again. Let's face it, if they didn't think it was wrong, they wouldn't have tried to hide to do it. Take off the rose colored glasses!

I have two daughters, both of whom preferred boyish activities because of their father and I encouraging those activities.

It was fairly easy for me because we're a Mormon family and so we teach them at home and they are taught at church that those sort of activities are not appropriate for young children.

I always told my children that when they're young, its more important to get to know people as friends and that kissing etc is for when they are much older, and if they wait until they are older, it will be more special.

I would be honest with my daughter. That kisses are like hugs, there's a proper time and place and not everyone likes them and even if the little boy was willing, his mommy may not be okay with it. I would remind her that kisses are very, very special, that mommy and daddy kiss each other and that mommy and daddy don't kiss anyone outside of the family. Partly because it's so special and because of germs. I would help her with other ways for her to express her feelings. Pictures and small crafts made for just him. Special play dates with just the two of them. No hiding and no kissing, hugs only if he AND his mommy are alright with it.